This Is My Life Now

I am slowly adjusting to being homeless. Let me just say that it SUCKS not to have my own home anymore, DAMN that fucking landlord who wouldn’t let me continue my lease on a month-to-month basis until I’m ready to go to Florida in November!!! BUT this is my life now. Fortunately for me I can stay with family, and I am a nomad, staying three days with one sister, one day with another and then three days with my Mom and Dad. It is hard dragging all my shit from one place to another. But I feel like I need to focus on the positives. Like, thank GOD I have all this family who welcome me into their homes!!! And thank GOD I don’t have to stay with my Mom and Dad all the time, because it’s a bit stressful, being that there’s no alone time there.

I have a little sewing project I am working on, refurbishing cloth diapers for my brother and his wife. It’s super-time-consuming, to replace the elastic in them, it takes FOREVER, then I sew new Velcro tabs on them. I am enjoying having a project, even if it’s slow-going. It’s good to have a purpose.

We are having ridiculously cool weather in Colorado right now, and do I need to say that I don’t love it? Yeah. Sucks. Hopefully in a couple of days it will warm back up. It’s just not time to get cold, dammit!!

Hope you have a bitchin’ weekend, y’all! GO BRONCOS!!!! Peach out.

The Pot Pain Patch is Purdy Nice

In my last post I mentioned my awesome bingeing capacity thanks to the Clozaril I take every night.  So I got a CBN Pain Patch from the dispensary to try to force myself to fall asleep faster and miss the food cravings that Clozaril induces.  So far, after three nights, I think the pain patch is doing its job, as far as helping with pain and helping me to fall asleep quickly.

I tried an Indica lozenge last night as well, and I woke up in the middle of the night hungry as hell.  So I think that’s a “No” on the Indica lozenges.

I had ECT yesterday, feeling kind of flat today.  Hope all is well in your world!

Pain, Pain Go Away!

I have been having a terrible time with bingeing on food, either carbs or just plain sugar. Some of it feels like an addiction, like I’m medicating my feelings. Definitely some of it is due to the Clozaril I take for mood stabilization. It gives me pot-like munchies and makes me hungry as hell. Sometimes I wake up at 5 in the morning so hungry that I have to go eat something before I can go back to sleep until around 9 am. This has been torture for me. I feel like I’m watching a train wreck and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve gained more than twenty pounds since I started the Clozaril in February. UNACCEPTABLE!!!

I’ve also had lots & lots of pain thanks to over-taxing my back during the move I just had. I’m icing my back a lot but all in all it makes me very achy and I just feel impaired.

So after therapy today I went to my local marijuana dispensary and just told them: I take a medication that makes me want to eat and I need something that will knock me on my ass and make me fall asleep. If I fall asleep I can’t eat, right? They offered me a bunch of different options, all edibles (I hate to smoke it). One of them that I’m going to try tonight is a patch, and it has specific compounds that are supposed to help with pain (Yay!). And it should make me really sleepy. I’m so achy even after taking two Tramadols that I want to put the patch on right now but I need to wait until closer to bedtime. I REALLY hope this sucker works. It was $20 but you cut the patch into eight pieces. So that’s $2.50 per night if it works. That’s expensive but if it gets me off the porkin’ out rollercoaster it’s worth it. I will report back tomorrow!

Hope all is well in your world. Peaches!

What Next?

OMG. I really really really finished cleaning the FUCK out of my house. I guess I can’t call it my house any more since I just moved out of it. So I cleaned it so hard, it looks better than it did when I moved in! I hope like hell that the property manager guy does the right thing and sends me back ALL of my money!!

So I have a very “What Now?” feeling going on. I was so focused on packing, moving, and cleaning for the last few weeks and now it’s . . . Done! What next?

I am reading the latest issue of Vogue, it is like seven or eight hundred pages and weighs a TON and I think it’s injuring my arms to hold it up to read. Well not really read. It’s mostly advertisements. Mostly I look at it and go “What the FUCK? Who thought THAT was a good idea?” You know how they try to make really ugly shit look like it’s THE SHIT? Yeah. No. I don’t care what you say, Vogue, ugly is still ugly. But some of it is entertaining my brain. And then I think about how I used to sew and make my own clothes and have a sexy body and it’s like, Damn! What happened? I need to turn this shit AROUND!!! Maybe my “What next” is that I need to plot a COMEBACK to where I look and feel more like myself again. Maybe I will make myself my own little project.

Did you ever do that? I mean, with someone else? I used to date guys who were several rungs below me on the socioeconomic ladder (sue me, but I was wayyyyy better than them) and I would make the guy my improvement project. Clean him up, cut his hair, put him in some better clothes….but then he’d still be talking dirty out loud in the middle of a nice restaurant…or thinking someone was looking at him wrong and calling out across the fine, classy restaurant “What’s YOUR problem, BITCH?” Yeah that shit never worked out like I thought it should. Lots of attempts at putting lipstick on a pig. Mixed results.

Maybe I’ll have better luck at improving myself. Then again, I have been known to bust right through the appropriateness barrier at the most inopportune of times . . . Well fuck I can try anyway can’t I? We’ll see.

Moving. Done.

Yes I fucking did it!! I moved!! My shit is all stacked in storage about 77 feet high. If there is ever an earthquake I’m fucked!! Right now I am sitting on my Mom’s couch writing this. Her poodle Beau is on the loveseat. He only comes in for random snuggles. My Mom is in the next room, speaking French on the phone. She must have called a relative in Canada. I am going to stay Friday-Saturday-Sunday with my Mom and Dad, Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday with my oldest sister and her girlfriend, and Thursdays with my second sister. Until October 31. The day I hitch up the wagon and set off for Florida. A mere TWO THOUSAND MILES AWAY. This should be an interesting ride.

So I’m off to finish the cleaning of my place. The movers who were supposed to come yesterday between 8 and 9 am came at 1:30 pm so that gave me plenty of time to clean like a Ninja!! I have a hella long list of cleaning tasks to do to make the place perfect. You KNOW I’m going to get that deposit back, bitch! So that fucker will be perfect. $1350 ain’t nothin’ to sneeze at. I have a really bad back so I go in and work work work and then I have to stop and ice the back. And then..more. And more. But I made a significant dent in my perfectionist monster list of shit to do yesterday. Ooooh wouldn’t it be GREAT if I finished it all today? Now that’s a sexy fantasy. I’ll keep ya posted.

I’m going to buy some of those naughty high sugar high caffeine feels like cocaine energy drinks to try and muscle through the day. I also have bananas over there (for some reason I find bananas to be very energizing) and POP TARTS, pure junk. Oh well I guess I better start my day… I wish I had real cocaine. Just for today. Or adderrall. Ahh the drug addict in me salutes the drug addict in you. Have a groovy day.

Moving Sads

Oh my am I SAD about moving out of my place!!! I am having a hard time working through the sadness. Part of me thinks I’m almost ready to move, and part of me is panicking about how much I have to do before Thursday to be ready to move. And all of me is sad, sad, sad about giving up my home. Jeeeesus this better be a good decision!!! I am filled with apprehension. Ok, back to packing and purging . . .

Celebrity Gossip Obsessions

I have a confession to make. I am super-addicted to celebrity gossip. I read TMZ, People, Us, and the E! page several times per day. And I have to tell you what I think are the most useless and idiotic celebrity obsessions:

  1. The Kardashians. Total trash that began with a total trash sex tape. Documenting every moment of their lives with cameras. Guess what? They’re still trash.
  2. Celebrity women’s asses: What is this obsession with asses? It all started with Kim Kardashian’s mutant bulbous disproportionate double-bubble ass. Now Nicki Minaj is milking her ass for all it’s worth in a new song. All kinds of stars are photographing their asses in bikinis. WE DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR ASSES!! FUCK YOUR ASSES!! COVER YOUR ASSES!! HAVE SOME SHAME!!!
  3. TMZ uses the most disrespectful and misogynistic language with regard to celebrity couplings. They are constantly speculating about who is “Banging”. SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THE BANGING TALK, TMZ!!!

OMG. This little rant has made me feel a lot better. This shit has been on my mind for a long time. Maybe I need to take a little break from the celeb gossip. Yeah. I do. Ok. I may and I may not. Peach out homies. And fuck you, Kardashians!

This Bitch Called Change

I am in the process of packing up my house and moving everything into storage. I have the movers coming on Thursday the 28th. In the meantime I have been packing like mad and moving as much as I can to storage myself, to try to minimize how much the movers have to do. I’m a little ahead of the game here and I already packed all the dishes and moved them to storage. I forgot to leave out a coffee cup which kind of bums me out. I am drinking my morning coffee out of one of those big plastic cups with a lid and a straw that you get when you’re in the hospital. Somehow it’s just not as satisfying as drinking out of a favorite coffee cup.

This may sound shallow or idiotic but I really am attached to my “things”. Practically everything I own has a story attached to it. I was telling my sister yesterday as we packed, this coffee cup was our Aunt Joann’s (who died tragically immediately following a lung transplant), and this coffee cup was a gift from another Aunt, and this paring knife was actually my sister’s in COLLEGE over twenty years ago!! I still have a nightshirt that my Aunt Mary (now deceased) gave me about 25 years ago and I still wear it. I still have a long-sleeved t-shirt my brother gave me for my birthday about twenty years ago. Still wear it. I’m a sentimental fool. So, my point is, I’m going to miss all my crap when I put it in storage for God knows how long. When will I have my own home again? That thought scares the shit out of me.

I’m planning on couch-surfing with different family members until around November, at which time I will run away to Florida. I’m trying this novel idea called “Let’s Skip Winter And Not End Up In The Looney Bin”. I really really hope that being away from the Colorado winter allows me to hold my shit together and stay out of the hospital. The last two winters I had several stays in the bin. There are just so many unknowns attached to this plan. Although I believe it’s a good idea, I’m afraid. I’m trying to look at it as an adventure. Fortunately I will have you, my lovely readers, to go along with me. I’ll keep you posted as to my progress.

Have a wonderful weekend and GO BRONCOS!!!

RIP Robin Williams

I am so sad that Robin Williams lost the battle with this illness. Whether he had depression or bipolar disorder (to me all signs point to bipolar) is immaterial. What IS relevant here is that the illness took his life. For such a bright light to be snuffed out just breaks my heart. I am so sad for him, and where he must have been emotionally, to be able to put a noose around his neck and leave this world. I also feel like when one person loses the fight, we all lose a little bit. I am so sad. I have cried today. How many people have cried? How many lives did Robin Williams touch? Not just with his bright, sparkling humor but with his deep, loving compassion?

When my sister worked at UCSF in San Francisco, there was a high school wrestling star who had a catastrophic injury to one of his legs that cut off circulation to the limb, and they had to amputate below the knee. This was an athlete who was on his way to a scholarship in college. The doctors told his parents that they could provide him with an average, run of the mill prosthetic so that he could walk, but he would never wrestle again. Or, for fifty thousand dollars, they could provide him with the Cadillac of prosthetics, which would enable him to return to his sport. Needless to say, the boy’s insurance company would not cover the Cadillac of prosthetics. Somehow, word of this young man’s plight got to Robin Williams, and he contributed the fifty thousand dollars that gave this boy a second chance at life.

This is just one of many examples of what a huge heart this man had. Such love, and kindness, killed by this damn disease. I am overwhelmed by the tragedy of it. I want to re-commit to doing everything in my power to NEVER GO THERE. I am dedicating this blog entry to the memory of the great Robin Williams. Rest in peace.

In Case You Ever Wanted To Try Meditation . . .

There is a FREE three-week meditation program, starting today, that I am doing and I wanted to share it in case anyone else had an interest in meditation.  You can sign up for it here:  https://chopracentermeditation.com/experience  and get started!  This is a great way to start, or return to meditation if you haven’t done it in awhile.  I like the idea of doing something collectively, like people all over the world are doing this at the same time!  If you’re interested, give it a try!  Meditation has been shown to help with depression and definitely has beneficial effects on the brain.  Have a great day!

I Am Grateful!

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I am grateful. What a powerful, life-giving force gratitude is!! Yes I went to the Denver Broncos game last night and yes they beat the Seattle Seahawks! Yes! Yes! Yes!! I just had to post this picture because that’s ME, experiencing JOY, being in the MOMENT, loving every minute of that game, even as we got rained on! Today I feel like I have a “glowover” from last night, still feeling the happy effects of my favorite team winning, and how much fun I had with my sister being there to see it happen. This is why DBT says that one of the skills you have to practice is “Cultivating positive experiences”!! My heart is full and I’m feeling better than I have in a long, long time. Thank you, Universe!!

I Choose Love

My favorite meditation on my Deepak Chopra Living in Love app on my iphone is called “I Choose Love.” That is the mantra that is repeated throughout the meditation. Most of the time when I’m meditating, my mind is just wandering around the universe, wondering if I have any yogurt in the refrigerator? Did I forget to pick up a prescription at Walgreens? Is it time to get a new pedicure? If so, what color?

For the first time today when I was meditating, I was actually able to focus on and experience the mantra “I Choose Love.” A chill went through my body as I realized that when it comes to Love, my cup runneth over. I am so incredibly blessed with this huge, and hugely supportive family of parents, brothers, sisters, brother and sister-in-laws, and dearly precious nieces and nephews, not to mention cousins, aunts, uncles, and some very rockin’ friends. I am blessed and I am grateful.

In my last post I mentioned that my ECT doc suggested that I may need to do ECT once a week for life. In talking to my therapist about it, she thought that notion was completely ridiculous (thank you therapist!!) and she also pointed out that there is a BOATLOAD of evidence showing that meditation, yoga and exercise help create new neural pathways in the brain, and they all strongly aid in the reduction of depressive symptoms. So, I’ve decided to keep up with the daily meditation, yoga, exercise, and supplement taking (as well as psychiatric meds) and I called and cancelled Friday’s ECT appointment.

I choose LOVE, including self-love (no I’m not talking about masturbating) as my primary treatment for depression. I believe!! Click here for my favorite most uplifting song regarding believing. I’m no bible thumper (you may have noticed my fantastically foul mouth) but one thing I really DO love is gospel music. I love to sing it too!! It can really spank my mood into submission.

On a totally unrelated note (hold on, I’m hitting the brakes so I can flip a bitch!) I am going to the Broncos game tomorrow!!! I am SO EXCITED and I pray that we smash Seattle into the ground!! GO BRONCOS!!!!! I’ll see ya on the flipside. PEACHES!!

Rethinking ECT

I had an unfortunate meeting with Dr. BigHeart last week. So much so that I am rethinking his name, thinking that maybe “Dr. Ka-ching!” may be more appropriate. Whereas I used to believe he had my best interests in mind, I am now questioning if it’s all about keeping me coming back for more and more ECT. He actually said that it was a feasible and rational idea that I might have to do ECT every week for the rest of my life!!!!!! This about made me fall out of the bed, then he continued to tell me that I will NEVER go back to my “Professional” life and that this is as good as it gets. If I accepted what he said, I would have been devastated. However, I believe that he is one hundred percent full of shit, and I don’t believe I want to be receiving care from someone who holds out so little hope for me. It HAS to get better than this!!! The depression HAS to lift!!! I MUST have hope of going back to work some day!!! Granted, I do not want to go back to work in the IT field, I am totally burned out on it. But there has to be SOMETHING I can do!! I have a fucking college degree! I’m trainable!! I’m not ready for lifetime disability!!! That just sounds too much like giving up. And I REFUSE to give up! I am going to keep doing this fucking meditation and keep doing this goddamn yoga and keep doing this daily exercise and I’M GOING TO GET BETTER!!!!!! Just watch me.

Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my 48th birthday. I know that many, including myself, thought that I wouldn’t make it to this day. It has been a long and hard year marked by deep depression, two hospitalizations, and countless ECT treatments. At this point I still don’t know what I’m living for, other than the fact that I can’t allow myself to hurt the ones that I love by killing myself. I have started a Novena (Catholic Voodoo), I’ve been meditating, and doing yoga daily, and I’ve been tapping. All in the hopes of lifting the depression. I do believe that all of it is helping. I believe that acting in Faith, believing in something, trying to change, gives me hope. I have to have hope that I can do better, that I can be better, that I can function as a human being in this world. The key word there being function.

It’s a beautiful day for a birthday and my oldest sister will be hosting a party for me this afternoon. I’m looking forward to being with my family and having delicious burgers cooked on the grill – my sister makes kickass burgers! I don’t know what she puts in them but they’re damn good :). Maybe heroin. I know this is kind of assholian, but I asked my family for Amazon.com gift cards as presents for my birthday. Where do I get off asking for anything? I know. Asshole. But I’m really watching my pennies since I’m on Disability and I’d really like to buy myself some shit off of Amazon! I hope my diabolical scheme nets me some Amazon coin.

It’s hard to believe that July is pretty much half over. I just want to slowwww this summer down. Summer is my season! I’m alive! Sun, blue sky, minimal clothing….that’s the shit! I think I’ll go sit outside and smoke. One of my last vices. Yeah yeah I know. Fuck me. Oh well it’s my birthday! Taking a day off from beating up on myself. I think I’ll go get a Slurpee. Doesn’t that sound good? Hope your Sunday is outstanding. Peach out, WordPress homies!