An Open Letter to Amazon


This is an incredibly thoughtful and powerful piece that I just had to share!

Originally posted on Mental Health, the Media, and Me:

Dear Amazon,

Over the last couple of Halloweens, social media websites have had people commenting more and more on inappropriate and offensive attractions and costumes that are seen to be demonizing those with a mental health condition, and linking mental illness with violence and psychopathy.  Despite these issues having been raised, Amazon continues to sell such items.  While the UK website appears to limit itself to a strait-jacket costume when it comes to such costumes, goes a lot further.  Various costumes on refer to them representing people from a “psycho ward.”  Another is a “skitzo” costume.  There is also a “mental patient” costume.  It’s thought that around 50 million people in the world are “skitzo” (your term, not mine), is the following the way they should be represented and portrayed?


One has to wonder why, in 2014, Amazon (or any other retailer) believes it is OK to represent such illnesses…

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T Minus Eleven Days


I don’t really know where that T-Minus shit comes from, but this is my way of saying that I am leaving for Florida in eleven days! GodDAMN the time has flown this Fall!! I am such a baby about my family, I am quite apprehensive about leaving them! However, there is a lot to look forward to in Florida, including the BEACH, warmer days, longer days, and I even heard about the Salvador Dali museum in St. Petersburg! Oh fuck yeah you know I’m there!! My ECT psychiatrist told me about it and said, I shit you not, “You wanna get a little baked before going there.”

Speaking of getting baked, I don’t DARE travel with marijuana, as I’ve heard so many stories of “pot profiling”, i.e. people with Colorado or Washington license plates being pulled over in other states just because of their license plates, and having their cars searched. I will have to use my crafty criminal mind to figure out a way to get some of this wonderful Colorado pot to Florida, independent of my car. Should be fun.

I’ve done some responsible things, like having my car checked out for the 2,000 mile trip. Eight hundred dollars later, I feel confident that it will make the trip safely. I’ve made an appointment with a psychiatrist in St. Petersburg in November. I have yet to find a therapist, though, and I haven’t made an ECT appointment. I reserve Tuesdays and Wednesday mornings for high-functioning activities such as these.

I also looked on Meetup, and sadly there is no Denver Broncos meetup in St. Petersburg. I think I will start one. By the way, have I told you lately that Peyton Manning is the shittiest-shit-shit that’s ever been shit? What a game yesterday!! We screamed ourselves hoarse. Peyton Manning accounts for at least 72% of my will to live. GOD I wish football went year-round! I think in Heaven it does.

Well I better keep this short, as I need to get back to my useless surfing of the web, and I need to drink maybe two more Diet Cokes so that I can get up and do SOMETHING by 2pm (my deadline to stop fucking around). Enjoy your Monday my friends!! Peach out!

Lookin’ For New Providers, Yee Haw!!

I am in the joyous process of looking for new health care providers in Florida. WOW! Is this a fun process! Calls, calls, calls, messages, messages, messages. I finally got through to one psychiatrist’s office and was about to have the appointment made in the shade when I happened to mention that I am on Clozaril and need bloodwork and monitoring. The woman on the line said “Oh I don’t think we “do” Clozaril. I will have to speak to the doctor before I schedule the appointment.” You don’t DO Clozaril? What the hell???? Is looking at a lab report every two weeks such a hardship? I mean really….I didn’t know I was so special. Fuck.

So I am waiting for sixty-hundred calls back. I left messages for both psychiatrists and psychotherapists. My current psychiatrist, Dr. Drugs, said he thinks I need to get both right away, in fact, he only gave me one refill on my meds so that I would haul ass and find a new doctor before I run out. What a stone cold sucka Dr. Drugs is!! Making me get off my ass and all . . .

I am taking my car tomorrow to have a serious once-over at a “reputable” car shop. I am so deeply suspicious and paranoid when it comes to this stuff. If they tell me I need a new this or that, how do I know if I really do or if they’re just taking my credit card out for a test drive? I am stressed big-time by this. I am betting (I’ll let you know tomorrow) that they will come up with a thousand dollars’ worth of work that needs to be done. At which time I will have a burst of insta-diarrhea right there in their front office. No joke. But I can’t see taking a two thousand mile trip without having the car looked over. Oh! Such a conflict. I seriously think my blood pressure is high today. Maybe I’ll take half a Klonipin. Such coping skills, you say? I KNOW! Sometimes drugs really ARE the answer.

Well I am off to get a flu shot. This day just keeps getting better and BETTER!! Maybe I can get a suppository while I’m there too. Happy Thursday, my friends!! Peach out, homies!   BPOF! Fire!

Shit . . .

This has been a down week. Fuck! I don’t really know why. I had a treatment (ECT) last Friday and ever since I’ve felt like shit. I don’t know if it’s the treatment or if I am just mad at myself for not doing the “No Sugar” thing perfectly (yes I’ve fallen off the wagon and had some binges). I am still pursuing clean eating, but GODDAMN it’s hard!! I’m still thinking in terms of a new life plan for eating, this is not a diet!! But oh how it’s hard.

The days here in Colorado have become markedly shorter and that certainly fucks with my brain. The sun is also lower in the sky, even that bothers me. I feel like a fucking whiner. I think I AM! Is whining a symptom of Depression? I think I’ll google it. Google asks me “Did you mean to ask if yawning is a symptom of Depression?” No motherfucker I didn’t!! So I found an article, more like a Q&A, Ask A Therapist, where someone says they tried to cut off their arms because they thought they were plastic, and they’re asking if there’s anything wrong with them? Oh my.

Ohhhh YEAH my ECT psychiatrist told me to get a new therapy light. Maybe I should actually do that. Is anyone else feeling the effects of less light? It’d be a comfort to know I’m not the only one. Don’t make me cut my arms off, people . . .

Still Sugar-Free

And the cravings are a real bitch!!! I am still off the sugar (not just sugary foods but sugar in any food, and most processed foods) and it is still a bitch! I am focusing on eating WAYYYYY more fruits and vegetables than I was. I keep reminding myself that I’m working on developing healthier habits that will benefit me for a lifetime. Also, a lot of the time when I’m craving crap (sugar, carbs, junkfood in general) I just have to remind myself that I am fine, I am not hungry, I’ve eaten plenty of food. Sometimes I will have a piece of fruit. This is a major addictive process that I am trying to overcome. Food, carbs, sugar, I have used to medicate so much!!! And I so want to just let go and binge on a big container of ice cream. With gobs of caramel sauce. Somehow, I am managing to keep my decision to change my relationship to food. Mood-wise, I am doing really well. I am feeling positive, empowered and hopeful. I want to continue on this path.

Just a reminder, if you’re interested in going down this path with me (PLEASE, I NEED SOME SUGAR-FREE BUDDIES!!) watch the movie Fed Up. It will motivate you like you wouldn’t believe!!

Hope your week is going well, my friends!! Peaches to your Mama!!

Good Bye, Sugar!

I have had a rocky relationship with sugar all my life. I LOVE sugar!! I have used it and abused it since I was a young child. When I was a kid, I would eat all of my Halloween candy in one day. And I’ve continued the same kind of behavior as an adult. Buy something sugary, like a box of Good and Plenty, and it’s gone by the end of the day. Lately, over the past few months, I’ve been bingeing on sugar, sometimes to the point of being sick in the night. I’ve been scaring myself. Being on Clozaril makes it really hard to resist sugar and carbs in general.

A few days ago, I watched the documentary Fed Up, which is all about sugar and obesity and the food industry and how crappy food is marketed to us and to children. It was incredibly revealing. One of the points that they made is that the place in our brains that is activated when we ingest cocaine, is the same place that’s activated when we consume sugar!!! There was also a study done with lab rats where they were given a choice between cocaine and sugar water, and four out of five rats chose the sugar water. This documentary was VERY revealing and educational, and I highly recommend it.

I have been so worried about my health since I started the Clozaril and have been really abusing food like an addict. My weight has been climbing and I get a terrible shock when I see myself in photographs with this terrible fat belly! Belly fat is the most dangerous, they say, because it’s attached to your internal organs and can cause heart disease. With the help of this documentary, I came up with the will to quit sugar and processed food. It’s a HUGE step and a HUGE commitment, but I feel like I am fighting for my life here.

It’s only been since Wednesday, but I’ve not ingested any sugar at all (to my knowledge). In the middle of the night when I get the monster food cravings, I’ve been able to eat a banana and fall back asleep. I’ve been eating a TON of organic vegetables (I wasn’t really eating vegetables before) and organic fruit when I feel like I need something sweet. I feel very encouraged that I’ve been able to do this at all. My hope is to make a permanent lifestyle change that includes unprocessed, organic food and NO SUGAR.

I’ll keep you posted as I go along. Maybe some of you would like to join me on this venture? Go watch the documentary Fed Up (you can get it on iTunes or go to Let me know what you think! With love to you all, BPOF!

Git Outta Town!!

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Sometimes a little day trip out of town is just what the doctor ordered! My friend Mike and I hit the road yesterday for Central City, CO. It was a beautiful drive through several forests and mountain towns. The fall foliage was spectacular, the sky was bluer than sky blue, and the temperature was deliciously warm.

Central City is an old mining town wayyyy up high in the mountains at 8,510 feet and it’s full of beautiful Victorian architecture. The streets are incredibly steep and it’s a hell of a workout for the butt and thighs to just walk around and look at this beautiful place.

In addition to the gorgeous Victorian architecture, the city is also home to several casino/restaurants, so Mike and I enjoyed a wonderful lunch and then wasted some money playing video poker. I know I have the potential to be a gamblaholic because I become completely convinced that I am going to WIN BIG! Forty dollars later, I felt a little hung over and we hit the road for the drive back to Boulder.

Overall it was such a beautiful day and so wonderful to get out of town and see some beautiful scenery. Of course, we asked ourselves, why don’t we do this more often? It was so fun and uplifting.

On Monday we will head up to Estes Park to see the elk bugling! This of course is their mating call that the male elk make in the fall, trying to entice the females to do a little elk-boots-knocking. Check back on Monday night, you may find a little elk porn on this page.

Hope you all enjoy a spectacular weekend! Peach out!

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This Is My Life Now

I am slowly adjusting to being homeless. Let me just say that it SUCKS not to have my own home anymore, DAMN that fucking landlord who wouldn’t let me continue my lease on a month-to-month basis until I’m ready to go to Florida in November!!! BUT this is my life now. Fortunately for me I can stay with family, and I am a nomad, staying three days with one sister, one day with another and then three days with my Mom and Dad. It is hard dragging all my shit from one place to another. But I feel like I need to focus on the positives. Like, thank GOD I have all this family who welcome me into their homes!!! And thank GOD I don’t have to stay with my Mom and Dad all the time, because it’s a bit stressful, being that there’s no alone time there.

I have a little sewing project I am working on, refurbishing cloth diapers for my brother and his wife. It’s super-time-consuming, to replace the elastic in them, it takes FOREVER, then I sew new Velcro tabs on them. I am enjoying having a project, even if it’s slow-going. It’s good to have a purpose.

We are having ridiculously cool weather in Colorado right now, and do I need to say that I don’t love it? Yeah. Sucks. Hopefully in a couple of days it will warm back up. It’s just not time to get cold, dammit!!

Hope you have a bitchin’ weekend, y’all! GO BRONCOS!!!! Peach out.

The Pot Pain Patch is Purdy Nice

In my last post I mentioned my awesome bingeing capacity thanks to the Clozaril I take every night.  So I got a CBN Pain Patch from the dispensary to try to force myself to fall asleep faster and miss the food cravings that Clozaril induces.  So far, after three nights, I think the pain patch is doing its job, as far as helping with pain and helping me to fall asleep quickly.

I tried an Indica lozenge last night as well, and I woke up in the middle of the night hungry as hell.  So I think that’s a “No” on the Indica lozenges.

I had ECT yesterday, feeling kind of flat today.  Hope all is well in your world!

Pain, Pain Go Away!

I have been having a terrible time with bingeing on food, either carbs or just plain sugar. Some of it feels like an addiction, like I’m medicating my feelings. Definitely some of it is due to the Clozaril I take for mood stabilization. It gives me pot-like munchies and makes me hungry as hell. Sometimes I wake up at 5 in the morning so hungry that I have to go eat something before I can go back to sleep until around 9 am. This has been torture for me. I feel like I’m watching a train wreck and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve gained more than twenty pounds since I started the Clozaril in February. UNACCEPTABLE!!!

I’ve also had lots & lots of pain thanks to over-taxing my back during the move I just had. I’m icing my back a lot but all in all it makes me very achy and I just feel impaired.

So after therapy today I went to my local marijuana dispensary and just told them: I take a medication that makes me want to eat and I need something that will knock me on my ass and make me fall asleep. If I fall asleep I can’t eat, right? They offered me a bunch of different options, all edibles (I hate to smoke it). One of them that I’m going to try tonight is a patch, and it has specific compounds that are supposed to help with pain (Yay!). And it should make me really sleepy. I’m so achy even after taking two Tramadols that I want to put the patch on right now but I need to wait until closer to bedtime. I REALLY hope this sucker works. It was $20 but you cut the patch into eight pieces. So that’s $2.50 per night if it works. That’s expensive but if it gets me off the porkin’ out rollercoaster it’s worth it. I will report back tomorrow!

Hope all is well in your world. Peaches!

What Next?

OMG. I really really really finished cleaning the FUCK out of my house. I guess I can’t call it my house any more since I just moved out of it. So I cleaned it so hard, it looks better than it did when I moved in! I hope like hell that the property manager guy does the right thing and sends me back ALL of my money!!

So I have a very “What Now?” feeling going on. I was so focused on packing, moving, and cleaning for the last few weeks and now it’s . . . Done! What next?

I am reading the latest issue of Vogue, it is like seven or eight hundred pages and weighs a TON and I think it’s injuring my arms to hold it up to read. Well not really read. It’s mostly advertisements. Mostly I look at it and go “What the FUCK? Who thought THAT was a good idea?” You know how they try to make really ugly shit look like it’s THE SHIT? Yeah. No. I don’t care what you say, Vogue, ugly is still ugly. But some of it is entertaining my brain. And then I think about how I used to sew and make my own clothes and have a sexy body and it’s like, Damn! What happened? I need to turn this shit AROUND!!! Maybe my “What next” is that I need to plot a COMEBACK to where I look and feel more like myself again. Maybe I will make myself my own little project.

Did you ever do that? I mean, with someone else? I used to date guys who were several rungs below me on the socioeconomic ladder (sue me, but I was wayyyyy better than them) and I would make the guy my improvement project. Clean him up, cut his hair, put him in some better clothes….but then he’d still be talking dirty out loud in the middle of a nice restaurant…or thinking someone was looking at him wrong and calling out across the fine, classy restaurant “What’s YOUR problem, BITCH?” Yeah that shit never worked out like I thought it should. Lots of attempts at putting lipstick on a pig. Mixed results.

Maybe I’ll have better luck at improving myself. Then again, I have been known to bust right through the appropriateness barrier at the most inopportune of times . . . Well fuck I can try anyway can’t I? We’ll see.

Moving. Done.

Yes I fucking did it!! I moved!! My shit is all stacked in storage about 77 feet high. If there is ever an earthquake I’m fucked!! Right now I am sitting on my Mom’s couch writing this. Her poodle Beau is on the loveseat. He only comes in for random snuggles. My Mom is in the next room, speaking French on the phone. She must have called a relative in Canada. I am going to stay Friday-Saturday-Sunday with my Mom and Dad, Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday with my oldest sister and her girlfriend, and Thursdays with my second sister. Until October 31. The day I hitch up the wagon and set off for Florida. A mere TWO THOUSAND MILES AWAY. This should be an interesting ride.

So I’m off to finish the cleaning of my place. The movers who were supposed to come yesterday between 8 and 9 am came at 1:30 pm so that gave me plenty of time to clean like a Ninja!! I have a hella long list of cleaning tasks to do to make the place perfect. You KNOW I’m going to get that deposit back, bitch! So that fucker will be perfect. $1350 ain’t nothin’ to sneeze at. I have a really bad back so I go in and work work work and then I have to stop and ice the back. And then..more. And more. But I made a significant dent in my perfectionist monster list of shit to do yesterday. Ooooh wouldn’t it be GREAT if I finished it all today? Now that’s a sexy fantasy. I’ll keep ya posted.

I’m going to buy some of those naughty high sugar high caffeine feels like cocaine energy drinks to try and muscle through the day. I also have bananas over there (for some reason I find bananas to be very energizing) and POP TARTS, pure junk. Oh well I guess I better start my day… I wish I had real cocaine. Just for today. Or adderrall. Ahh the drug addict in me salutes the drug addict in you. Have a groovy day.

Moving Sads

Oh my am I SAD about moving out of my place!!! I am having a hard time working through the sadness. Part of me thinks I’m almost ready to move, and part of me is panicking about how much I have to do before Thursday to be ready to move. And all of me is sad, sad, sad about giving up my home. Jeeeesus this better be a good decision!!! I am filled with apprehension. Ok, back to packing and purging . . .

Celebrity Gossip Obsessions

I have a confession to make. I am super-addicted to celebrity gossip. I read TMZ, People, Us, and the E! page several times per day. And I have to tell you what I think are the most useless and idiotic celebrity obsessions:

  1. The Kardashians. Total trash that began with a total trash sex tape. Documenting every moment of their lives with cameras. Guess what? They’re still trash.
  2. Celebrity women’s asses: What is this obsession with asses? It all started with Kim Kardashian’s mutant bulbous disproportionate double-bubble ass. Now Nicki Minaj is milking her ass for all it’s worth in a new song. All kinds of stars are photographing their asses in bikinis. WE DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR ASSES!! FUCK YOUR ASSES!! COVER YOUR ASSES!! HAVE SOME SHAME!!!
  3. TMZ uses the most disrespectful and misogynistic language with regard to celebrity couplings. They are constantly speculating about who is “Banging”. SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THE BANGING TALK, TMZ!!!

OMG. This little rant has made me feel a lot better. This shit has been on my mind for a long time. Maybe I need to take a little break from the celeb gossip. Yeah. I do. Ok. I may and I may not. Peach out homies. And fuck you, Kardashians!