Moving Sads

Oh my am I SAD about moving out of my place!!! I am having a hard time working through the sadness. Part of me thinks I’m almost ready to move, and part of me is panicking about how much I have to do before Thursday to be ready to move. And all of me is sad, sad, sad about giving up my home. Jeeeesus this better be a good decision!!! I am filled with apprehension. Ok, back to packing and purging . . .

Celebrity Gossip Obsessions

I have a confession to make. I am super-addicted to celebrity gossip. I read TMZ, People, Us, and the E! page several times per day. And I have to tell you what I think are the most useless and idiotic celebrity obsessions:

  1. The Kardashians. Total trash that began with a total trash sex tape. Documenting every moment of their lives with cameras. Guess what? They’re still trash.
  2. Celebrity women’s asses: What is this obsession with asses? It all started with Kim Kardashian’s mutant bulbous disproportionate double-bubble ass. Now Nicki Minaj is milking her ass for all it’s worth in a new song. All kinds of stars are photographing their asses in bikinis. WE DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR ASSES!! FUCK YOUR ASSES!! COVER YOUR ASSES!! HAVE SOME SHAME!!!
  3. TMZ uses the most disrespectful and misogynistic language with regard to celebrity couplings. They are constantly speculating about who is “Banging”. SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THE BANGING TALK, TMZ!!!

OMG. This little rant has made me feel a lot better. This shit has been on my mind for a long time. Maybe I need to take a little break from the celeb gossip. Yeah. I do. Ok. I may and I may not. Peach out homies. And fuck you, Kardashians!

This Bitch Called Change

I am in the process of packing up my house and moving everything into storage. I have the movers coming on Thursday the 28th. In the meantime I have been packing like mad and moving as much as I can to storage myself, to try to minimize how much the movers have to do. I’m a little ahead of the game here and I already packed all the dishes and moved them to storage. I forgot to leave out a coffee cup which kind of bums me out. I am drinking my morning coffee out of one of those big plastic cups with a lid and a straw that you get when you’re in the hospital. Somehow it’s just not as satisfying as drinking out of a favorite coffee cup.

This may sound shallow or idiotic but I really am attached to my “things”. Practically everything I own has a story attached to it. I was telling my sister yesterday as we packed, this coffee cup was our Aunt Joann’s (who died tragically immediately following a lung transplant), and this coffee cup was a gift from another Aunt, and this paring knife was actually my sister’s in COLLEGE over twenty years ago!! I still have a nightshirt that my Aunt Mary (now deceased) gave me about 25 years ago and I still wear it. I still have a long-sleeved t-shirt my brother gave me for my birthday about twenty years ago. Still wear it. I’m a sentimental fool. So, my point is, I’m going to miss all my crap when I put it in storage for God knows how long. When will I have my own home again? That thought scares the shit out of me.

I’m planning on couch-surfing with different family members until around November, at which time I will run away to Florida. I’m trying this novel idea called “Let’s Skip Winter And Not End Up In The Looney Bin”. I really really hope that being away from the Colorado winter allows me to hold my shit together and stay out of the hospital. The last two winters I had several stays in the bin. There are just so many unknowns attached to this plan. Although I believe it’s a good idea, I’m afraid. I’m trying to look at it as an adventure. Fortunately I will have you, my lovely readers, to go along with me. I’ll keep you posted as to my progress.

Have a wonderful weekend and GO BRONCOS!!!

RIP Robin Williams

I am so sad that Robin Williams lost the battle with this illness. Whether he had depression or bipolar disorder (to me all signs point to bipolar) is immaterial. What IS relevant here is that the illness took his life. For such a bright light to be snuffed out just breaks my heart. I am so sad for him, and where he must have been emotionally, to be able to put a noose around his neck and leave this world. I also feel like when one person loses the fight, we all lose a little bit. I am so sad. I have cried today. How many people have cried? How many lives did Robin Williams touch? Not just with his bright, sparkling humor but with his deep, loving compassion?

When my sister worked at UCSF in San Francisco, there was a high school wrestling star who had a catastrophic injury to one of his legs that cut off circulation to the limb, and they had to amputate below the knee. This was an athlete who was on his way to a scholarship in college. The doctors told his parents that they could provide him with an average, run of the mill prosthetic so that he could walk, but he would never wrestle again. Or, for fifty thousand dollars, they could provide him with the Cadillac of prosthetics, which would enable him to return to his sport. Needless to say, the boy’s insurance company would not cover the Cadillac of prosthetics. Somehow, word of this young man’s plight got to Robin Williams, and he contributed the fifty thousand dollars that gave this boy a second chance at life.

This is just one of many examples of what a huge heart this man had. Such love, and kindness, killed by this damn disease. I am overwhelmed by the tragedy of it. I want to re-commit to doing everything in my power to NEVER GO THERE. I am dedicating this blog entry to the memory of the great Robin Williams. Rest in peace.

In Case You Ever Wanted To Try Meditation . . .

There is a FREE three-week meditation program, starting today, that I am doing and I wanted to share it in case anyone else had an interest in meditation.  You can sign up for it here:  https://chopracentermeditation.com/experience  and get started!  This is a great way to start, or return to meditation if you haven’t done it in awhile.  I like the idea of doing something collectively, like people all over the world are doing this at the same time!  If you’re interested, give it a try!  Meditation has been shown to help with depression and definitely has beneficial effects on the brain.  Have a great day!

I Am Grateful!

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I am grateful. What a powerful, life-giving force gratitude is!! Yes I went to the Denver Broncos game last night and yes they beat the Seattle Seahawks! Yes! Yes! Yes!! I just had to post this picture because that’s ME, experiencing JOY, being in the MOMENT, loving every minute of that game, even as we got rained on! Today I feel like I have a “glowover” from last night, still feeling the happy effects of my favorite team winning, and how much fun I had with my sister being there to see it happen. This is why DBT says that one of the skills you have to practice is “Cultivating positive experiences”!! My heart is full and I’m feeling better than I have in a long, long time. Thank you, Universe!!

I Choose Love

My favorite meditation on my Deepak Chopra Living in Love app on my iphone is called “I Choose Love.” That is the mantra that is repeated throughout the meditation. Most of the time when I’m meditating, my mind is just wandering around the universe, wondering if I have any yogurt in the refrigerator? Did I forget to pick up a prescription at Walgreens? Is it time to get a new pedicure? If so, what color?

For the first time today when I was meditating, I was actually able to focus on and experience the mantra “I Choose Love.” A chill went through my body as I realized that when it comes to Love, my cup runneth over. I am so incredibly blessed with this huge, and hugely supportive family of parents, brothers, sisters, brother and sister-in-laws, and dearly precious nieces and nephews, not to mention cousins, aunts, uncles, and some very rockin’ friends. I am blessed and I am grateful.

In my last post I mentioned that my ECT doc suggested that I may need to do ECT once a week for life. In talking to my therapist about it, she thought that notion was completely ridiculous (thank you therapist!!) and she also pointed out that there is a BOATLOAD of evidence showing that meditation, yoga and exercise help create new neural pathways in the brain, and they all strongly aid in the reduction of depressive symptoms. So, I’ve decided to keep up with the daily meditation, yoga, exercise, and supplement taking (as well as psychiatric meds) and I called and cancelled Friday’s ECT appointment.

I choose LOVE, including self-love (no I’m not talking about masturbating) as my primary treatment for depression. I believe!! Click here for my favorite most uplifting song regarding believing. I’m no bible thumper (you may have noticed my fantastically foul mouth) but one thing I really DO love is gospel music. I love to sing it too!! It can really spank my mood into submission.

On a totally unrelated note (hold on, I’m hitting the brakes so I can flip a bitch!) I am going to the Broncos game tomorrow!!! I am SO EXCITED and I pray that we smash Seattle into the ground!! GO BRONCOS!!!!! I’ll see ya on the flipside. PEACHES!!

Rethinking ECT

I had an unfortunate meeting with Dr. BigHeart last week. So much so that I am rethinking his name, thinking that maybe “Dr. Ka-ching!” may be more appropriate. Whereas I used to believe he had my best interests in mind, I am now questioning if it’s all about keeping me coming back for more and more ECT. He actually said that it was a feasible and rational idea that I might have to do ECT every week for the rest of my life!!!!!! This about made me fall out of the bed, then he continued to tell me that I will NEVER go back to my “Professional” life and that this is as good as it gets. If I accepted what he said, I would have been devastated. However, I believe that he is one hundred percent full of shit, and I don’t believe I want to be receiving care from someone who holds out so little hope for me. It HAS to get better than this!!! The depression HAS to lift!!! I MUST have hope of going back to work some day!!! Granted, I do not want to go back to work in the IT field, I am totally burned out on it. But there has to be SOMETHING I can do!! I have a fucking college degree! I’m trainable!! I’m not ready for lifetime disability!!! That just sounds too much like giving up. And I REFUSE to give up! I am going to keep doing this fucking meditation and keep doing this goddamn yoga and keep doing this daily exercise and I’M GOING TO GET BETTER!!!!!! Just watch me.

Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my 48th birthday. I know that many, including myself, thought that I wouldn’t make it to this day. It has been a long and hard year marked by deep depression, two hospitalizations, and countless ECT treatments. At this point I still don’t know what I’m living for, other than the fact that I can’t allow myself to hurt the ones that I love by killing myself. I have started a Novena (Catholic Voodoo), I’ve been meditating, and doing yoga daily, and I’ve been tapping. All in the hopes of lifting the depression. I do believe that all of it is helping. I believe that acting in Faith, believing in something, trying to change, gives me hope. I have to have hope that I can do better, that I can be better, that I can function as a human being in this world. The key word there being function.

It’s a beautiful day for a birthday and my oldest sister will be hosting a party for me this afternoon. I’m looking forward to being with my family and having delicious burgers cooked on the grill – my sister makes kickass burgers! I don’t know what she puts in them but they’re damn good :). Maybe heroin. I know this is kind of assholian, but I asked my family for Amazon.com gift cards as presents for my birthday. Where do I get off asking for anything? I know. Asshole. But I’m really watching my pennies since I’m on Disability and I’d really like to buy myself some shit off of Amazon! I hope my diabolical scheme nets me some Amazon coin.

It’s hard to believe that July is pretty much half over. I just want to slowwww this summer down. Summer is my season! I’m alive! Sun, blue sky, minimal clothing….that’s the shit! I think I’ll go sit outside and smoke. One of my last vices. Yeah yeah I know. Fuck me. Oh well it’s my birthday! Taking a day off from beating up on myself. I think I’ll go get a Slurpee. Doesn’t that sound good? Hope your Sunday is outstanding. Peach out, WordPress homies!

Moose Tracks And Memories

What did I have for dinner?  Extreme Moose Tracks ice cream with caramel sauce.  TWO BOWLS!!  I am not the model of balance, ladies and gentlemen.  But GODDAMN is it good!!!!  I’ve been doing daily yoga and meditation because my little Pixie cousin sold me on it, saying it’s proven to help with depression.  Well I have to confess I didn’t do the yoga today :(  I hate going off my rhythm because I’m afraid I won’t gain it back.  Looks like I’ll either have to do it now, at 8:30pm, or I’ll have to forgive myself for missing a day.  I’ll need to think about that for a second.

Self-forgiveness is high on my list of things to do.  I have so many regrets about my life and how it has turned out and I really need to practice compassion and forgiveness with myself.  I think flogging myself for my past wrongs has become a bad habit that I need to let go of.  I have been tapping with the phrase “I deeply and completely forgive myself for all of my past wrongs.”  I need to clean the slate and allow myself to go forward with life.

I woke up the other morning thinking about these kids I used to take care of probably twenty years ago.  I know I took good care of them but I also know that sometimes my temper flared and that that was scary for them.  I went and looked them up on Facebook and was shocked to see that they’re all grown up.  I didn’t friend them, though, because I don’t know what kind of memories they have of me.  Again, I need to forgive myself.  I wasn’t perfect, but I really did love those kids.

These days I get to spend my Wednesdays with my niece and nephew and the time is golden to me.  I love them to pieces and recall explaining to them while we were in California what it was like to love someone so much that you knew you’d lay down your life for them.  That is how I feel about them.  I’m grateful to be able to experience such love.

Well my lease is up on my apartment at the end of August and I won’t be renewing it.  I HATE the idea of moving again, and really what I’m contemplating is putting my stuff in storage and going South for the winter.  Seeing as the last two winters I’ve ended up in the looney bin, I’d like to try a new approach for my Seasonal Affective Disorder (just a little enhancement to go on top of the Bipolar Depression that puts me completely over the edge).  Would the slightly longer days, coupled with warmer weather and the chance to spend time at the beach keep me sane?  I think I’m willing to experiment.  Something’s gotta give here.

I think I’ll go watch some more Cops (another guilty pleasure).  There’s something about watching these dumb fucks getting in trouble, and thinking “That could be me!” – but it’s not.  And I’m glad.  I guess that’s my cheap thrill for the day.  Hope your Hump Day includes a good hump, if you’re into that sort of thing :D  Peach out!

What A Night!

Well.  This has been a shit of a night.  Those fuckers at Boulder Community never got my bloodwork to the pharmacy.  THIRD REQUEST!!!  My solution has been a six-pack of beer, which I’ve drunk as quickly as possible, as well as a super-delicious box of Good & Plenty.  You know, when they’re fresh & soft?  Ohhh it’s so good.  That’s been my dinner.  And, watching the Sex & The City movie.  TWICE!!!  Excellent evening.  How has your night been?

Happy 4th of July!

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Happy 4th of July, my fellow American fuckers!  These are just a few of the pics that I took last night, yes, one night early, at my Mom & Dad’s house.  They live next to a  golf course and they have a HUGE to-do for the Fourth.

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I had ECT yesterday and spent the day sleeping off the anesthetic.  BUT!  I was awake for this!  Pretty gorge, huh?

DSC_0046Hope you’re enjoying an outstanding holiday weekend.  I am chasing after my bloodwork I had done on Wednesday so that I could get my damned Clozaril.  If the lab doesn’t fax it to the pharmacy, I am shit outta luck and no doubt looking at a relapse if I have to go three days without.  Crossing my fingers that it gets faxed.  Have I mentioned what a ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS it is to be on Clozaril???

Best wishes, BPOF

Back From CA

Well I had a pretty good trip to California. It was interesting that the threads of Mental Illness and Addiction were woven through the family reunion, with two cousins being in treatment, one for addiction and one for mental health issues, and another cousin telling me that her son suffers from severe depression. There was a vibe coming from the whole family like, let’s lift the veil of secrecy regarding these issues and talk about some of what is definitely our family legacy, genetically. We do have a rich history of mental illness, ranging from Depression to Bipolar to Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as a ton of drug and alcohol dependency. No judgments, that’s just the way it is. With the few relatives that I told what’s really going on with me, that being serious Bipolar Depression and being on Disability since December 2013, I felt very loved, supported, and absolutely not judged. It was a revelation.

One of my dearest cousins, who is so short and petite that I have always referred to her as The Pixie, strongly encouraged me to begin both a yoga practice and a daily meditation practice. She pointed out that there are several credible studies that show a decrease in Depression among those who practice daily meditation and yoga. So, I started today. I did a short guided meditation on You Tube (I will seek out deeper meditation support at the Boulder Shambala Center) and then did a twenty-minute yoga class that I found on my cable’s On Demand selection.

I have emailed a request to the Boulder YWCA for career counseling services, as I am very keen to take the Strong Interest Inventory to see what else I might be suited for since I do NOT want to go back to IT, when I do go back to work. The YWCA is closed this week so I’ll have to be patient and wait for a response.

I had a phone call from the private disability company just checking my status and this stresses me out to no end, as I am terrified of them withholding that monthly check. I could not function in a job right now, with my mood so up and down. Mostly down. I am going to have to use my DBT skills to manage the stress, I suppose. I just scheduled a session with a new DBT therapist, I have to wait a couple of weeks to see her. I am still trying to come up with a reason to live and something to feel excited about. Survival just isn’t that appealing to me, I hate to say. But I will keep trying.

If you’ve read this all the way to the end, thank you. I am not my bright sparkly self right now. Hope your week is going well. Peaches! BPOF

Change Your Hair, Change Your Life

I’ve had some variation of shoulder-length blonde hair for, oh, probably the past ten years.  And you know what?  I hated it!!  I never styled it, never did anything with it, was always wearing it in either a ponytail or one of those stupid clippies.  What’s the point?  So today, the day before my trip to Cali-for-ni-ay for the family reunion, I was going to get a mani/pedi, and I thought, “I need a haircut too,” and I get to the place and start looking through the books, and this really short hairstyle really appealed to me and I thought What the fuck?  Why not?  I want to go back to wash & wear hair.  Nothing blowing in my face, no hair going in my mouth, it just SITS there.  And I DID it!  OMG it looks CUTE!  I guarantee my family will all have spontaneous bouts of diarrhea when they see it, but dammit it looks good!  And it’s so easy.  It’s going to take about zero point five seconds to style it with the blow dryer.  I am so glad I chose the “shit” option in “shit or get off the pot”.  Sometimes you just gotta go for it.  I am psyched.

So, off to California at the break of dawn tomorrow, I have to leave my house at 5:30 am for the airport (already crying inside).  I will be back on Sunday but then I have ECT on Monday so look for me on Tuesday (if the planes don’t crash).  Getting in airplanes always makes me morbid.  I’ll be seein’ ya!  Peaches.

Monday Bloody Monday

I had ECT today. The guy who puts in the IV, let’s just call him Lefty, well, Lefty is quite the hunk of a man! Nice big guy, I love the big, tall, stocky guys, brown hair & beard and blue-sky eyes. He has a soft, gentle voice and let’s face it: Lefty turns me on. Hey! We’re all human! Right? So I’m sitting there like a good little patient waiting for him to stick me (with a needle! GOD you have a dirty mind!) and he stands up to get a tourniquet because the first one broke and his crotch is RIGHT at face level. And all I can think is “Don’t look at his crotch. DO NOT look at his crotch!!” Somehow I averted my eyes. But I wanted to look. So bad.

So Lefty is putting the IV on the inside of my left elbow and somehow he accidentally touched my left breast. “You touched my boob, Lefty!” I said casually. “Don’t talk to me like that when I’m trying to concentrate!” he replied, “I promise you it was entirely accidental.” The devil on my right shoulder wanted to taunt him further but the angel on my left convinced me that the appropriate thing to do would be to shut the fuck up. Ah, appropriateness.

So, another day, another zap. Came home, slept off the anesthesia, and then fired up the ol’ laptop. I went over to Lumosity to do my little brain games, and shockety-shock-shock of the century, on four games out of five I got top scores!! This is after having been in quite a slump lately and wondering what the major malfunction was with my brain. I found this very encouraging. Apparently having electricity run through your brain and a ketamine anesthetic is BRAIN GAME GOLD!!

Later on this week I will be heading to California for a family reunion, and I’ve been dreading the question “So, what are you doing these days?” “Oh, I dunno. No work. No fun. I have lots of ECT. Take lots of drugs. Stress about money. You?” It just sounds so…AWESOME! I’m thinking of some alternative responses, like “I’m going back to school to learn to be a Rodeo Clown” or “I just put up a profile on SugarDaddy.com and I’m getting amazing responses!” I’m open to suggestions.

Hope your Monday was as good as mine, people. Keep fighting the good fight! BPOF over and out!