Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my 48th birthday. I know that many, including myself, thought that I wouldn’t make it to this day. It has been a long and hard year marked by deep depression, two hospitalizations, and countless ECT treatments. At this point I still don’t know what I’m living for, other than the fact that I can’t allow myself to hurt the ones that I love by killing myself. I have started a Novena (Catholic Voodoo), I’ve been meditating, and doing yoga daily, and I’ve been tapping. All in the hopes of lifting the depression. I do believe that all of it is helping. I believe that acting in Faith, believing in something, trying to change, gives me hope. I have to have hope that I can do better, that I can be better, that I can function as a human being in this world. The key word there being function.

It’s a beautiful day for a birthday and my oldest sister will be hosting a party for me this afternoon. I’m looking forward to being with my family and having delicious burgers cooked on the grill – my sister makes kickass burgers! I don’t know what she puts in them but they’re damn good :). Maybe heroin. I know this is kind of assholian, but I asked my family for Amazon.com gift cards as presents for my birthday. Where do I get off asking for anything? I know. Asshole. But I’m really watching my pennies since I’m on Disability and I’d really like to buy myself some shit off of Amazon! I hope my diabolical scheme nets me some Amazon coin.

It’s hard to believe that July is pretty much half over. I just want to slowwww this summer down. Summer is my season! I’m alive! Sun, blue sky, minimal clothing….that’s the shit! I think I’ll go sit outside and smoke. One of my last vices. Yeah yeah I know. Fuck me. Oh well it’s my birthday! Taking a day off from beating up on myself. I think I’ll go get a Slurpee. Doesn’t that sound good? Hope your Sunday is outstanding. Peach out, WordPress homies!

Moose Tracks And Memories

What did I have for dinner?  Extreme Moose Tracks ice cream with caramel sauce.  TWO BOWLS!!  I am not the model of balance, ladies and gentlemen.  But GODDAMN is it good!!!!  I’ve been doing daily yoga and meditation because my little Pixie cousin sold me on it, saying it’s proven to help with depression.  Well I have to confess I didn’t do the yoga today :(  I hate going off my rhythm because I’m afraid I won’t gain it back.  Looks like I’ll either have to do it now, at 8:30pm, or I’ll have to forgive myself for missing a day.  I’ll need to think about that for a second.

Self-forgiveness is high on my list of things to do.  I have so many regrets about my life and how it has turned out and I really need to practice compassion and forgiveness with myself.  I think flogging myself for my past wrongs has become a bad habit that I need to let go of.  I have been tapping with the phrase “I deeply and completely forgive myself for all of my past wrongs.”  I need to clean the slate and allow myself to go forward with life.

I woke up the other morning thinking about these kids I used to take care of probably twenty years ago.  I know I took good care of them but I also know that sometimes my temper flared and that that was scary for them.  I went and looked them up on Facebook and was shocked to see that they’re all grown up.  I didn’t friend them, though, because I don’t know what kind of memories they have of me.  Again, I need to forgive myself.  I wasn’t perfect, but I really did love those kids.

These days I get to spend my Wednesdays with my niece and nephew and the time is golden to me.  I love them to pieces and recall explaining to them while we were in California what it was like to love someone so much that you knew you’d lay down your life for them.  That is how I feel about them.  I’m grateful to be able to experience such love.

Well my lease is up on my apartment at the end of August and I won’t be renewing it.  I HATE the idea of moving again, and really what I’m contemplating is putting my stuff in storage and going South for the winter.  Seeing as the last two winters I’ve ended up in the looney bin, I’d like to try a new approach for my Seasonal Affective Disorder (just a little enhancement to go on top of the Bipolar Depression that puts me completely over the edge).  Would the slightly longer days, coupled with warmer weather and the chance to spend time at the beach keep me sane?  I think I’m willing to experiment.  Something’s gotta give here.

I think I’ll go watch some more Cops (another guilty pleasure).  There’s something about watching these dumb fucks getting in trouble, and thinking “That could be me!” – but it’s not.  And I’m glad.  I guess that’s my cheap thrill for the day.  Hope your Hump Day includes a good hump, if you’re into that sort of thing :D  Peach out!

What A Night!

Well.  This has been a shit of a night.  Those fuckers at Boulder Community never got my bloodwork to the pharmacy.  THIRD REQUEST!!!  My solution has been a six-pack of beer, which I’ve drunk as quickly as possible, as well as a super-delicious box of Good & Plenty.  You know, when they’re fresh & soft?  Ohhh it’s so good.  That’s been my dinner.  And, watching the Sex & The City movie.  TWICE!!!  Excellent evening.  How has your night been?

Happy 4th of July!

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Happy 4th of July, my fellow American fuckers!  These are just a few of the pics that I took last night, yes, one night early, at my Mom & Dad’s house.  They live next to a  golf course and they have a HUGE to-do for the Fourth.

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I had ECT yesterday and spent the day sleeping off the anesthetic.  BUT!  I was awake for this!  Pretty gorge, huh?

DSC_0046Hope you’re enjoying an outstanding holiday weekend.  I am chasing after my bloodwork I had done on Wednesday so that I could get my damned Clozaril.  If the lab doesn’t fax it to the pharmacy, I am shit outta luck and no doubt looking at a relapse if I have to go three days without.  Crossing my fingers that it gets faxed.  Have I mentioned what a ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS it is to be on Clozaril???

Best wishes, BPOF

Back From CA

Well I had a pretty good trip to California. It was interesting that the threads of Mental Illness and Addiction were woven through the family reunion, with two cousins being in treatment, one for addiction and one for mental health issues, and another cousin telling me that her son suffers from severe depression. There was a vibe coming from the whole family like, let’s lift the veil of secrecy regarding these issues and talk about some of what is definitely our family legacy, genetically. We do have a rich history of mental illness, ranging from Depression to Bipolar to Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as a ton of drug and alcohol dependency. No judgments, that’s just the way it is. With the few relatives that I told what’s really going on with me, that being serious Bipolar Depression and being on Disability since December 2013, I felt very loved, supported, and absolutely not judged. It was a revelation.

One of my dearest cousins, who is so short and petite that I have always referred to her as The Pixie, strongly encouraged me to begin both a yoga practice and a daily meditation practice. She pointed out that there are several credible studies that show a decrease in Depression among those who practice daily meditation and yoga. So, I started today. I did a short guided meditation on You Tube (I will seek out deeper meditation support at the Boulder Shambala Center) and then did a twenty-minute yoga class that I found on my cable’s On Demand selection.

I have emailed a request to the Boulder YWCA for career counseling services, as I am very keen to take the Strong Interest Inventory to see what else I might be suited for since I do NOT want to go back to IT, when I do go back to work. The YWCA is closed this week so I’ll have to be patient and wait for a response.

I had a phone call from the private disability company just checking my status and this stresses me out to no end, as I am terrified of them withholding that monthly check. I could not function in a job right now, with my mood so up and down. Mostly down. I am going to have to use my DBT skills to manage the stress, I suppose. I just scheduled a session with a new DBT therapist, I have to wait a couple of weeks to see her. I am still trying to come up with a reason to live and something to feel excited about. Survival just isn’t that appealing to me, I hate to say. But I will keep trying.

If you’ve read this all the way to the end, thank you. I am not my bright sparkly self right now. Hope your week is going well. Peaches! BPOF

Change Your Hair, Change Your Life

I’ve had some variation of shoulder-length blonde hair for, oh, probably the past ten years.  And you know what?  I hated it!!  I never styled it, never did anything with it, was always wearing it in either a ponytail or one of those stupid clippies.  What’s the point?  So today, the day before my trip to Cali-for-ni-ay for the family reunion, I was going to get a mani/pedi, and I thought, “I need a haircut too,” and I get to the place and start looking through the books, and this really short hairstyle really appealed to me and I thought What the fuck?  Why not?  I want to go back to wash & wear hair.  Nothing blowing in my face, no hair going in my mouth, it just SITS there.  And I DID it!  OMG it looks CUTE!  I guarantee my family will all have spontaneous bouts of diarrhea when they see it, but dammit it looks good!  And it’s so easy.  It’s going to take about zero point five seconds to style it with the blow dryer.  I am so glad I chose the “shit” option in “shit or get off the pot”.  Sometimes you just gotta go for it.  I am psyched.

So, off to California at the break of dawn tomorrow, I have to leave my house at 5:30 am for the airport (already crying inside).  I will be back on Sunday but then I have ECT on Monday so look for me on Tuesday (if the planes don’t crash).  Getting in airplanes always makes me morbid.  I’ll be seein’ ya!  Peaches.

Monday Bloody Monday

I had ECT today. The guy who puts in the IV, let’s just call him Lefty, well, Lefty is quite the hunk of a man! Nice big guy, I love the big, tall, stocky guys, brown hair & beard and blue-sky eyes. He has a soft, gentle voice and let’s face it: Lefty turns me on. Hey! We’re all human! Right? So I’m sitting there like a good little patient waiting for him to stick me (with a needle! GOD you have a dirty mind!) and he stands up to get a tourniquet because the first one broke and his crotch is RIGHT at face level. And all I can think is “Don’t look at his crotch. DO NOT look at his crotch!!” Somehow I averted my eyes. But I wanted to look. So bad.

So Lefty is putting the IV on the inside of my left elbow and somehow he accidentally touched my left breast. “You touched my boob, Lefty!” I said casually. “Don’t talk to me like that when I’m trying to concentrate!” he replied, “I promise you it was entirely accidental.” The devil on my right shoulder wanted to taunt him further but the angel on my left convinced me that the appropriate thing to do would be to shut the fuck up. Ah, appropriateness.

So, another day, another zap. Came home, slept off the anesthesia, and then fired up the ol’ laptop. I went over to Lumosity to do my little brain games, and shockety-shock-shock of the century, on four games out of five I got top scores!! This is after having been in quite a slump lately and wondering what the major malfunction was with my brain. I found this very encouraging. Apparently having electricity run through your brain and a ketamine anesthetic is BRAIN GAME GOLD!!

Later on this week I will be heading to California for a family reunion, and I’ve been dreading the question “So, what are you doing these days?” “Oh, I dunno. No work. No fun. I have lots of ECT. Take lots of drugs. Stress about money. You?” It just sounds so…AWESOME! I’m thinking of some alternative responses, like “I’m going back to school to learn to be a Rodeo Clown” or “I just put up a profile on SugarDaddy.com and I’m getting amazing responses!” I’m open to suggestions.

Hope your Monday was as good as mine, people. Keep fighting the good fight! BPOF over and out!

Post-Disability Interview

Well I was a good girl and I got on the Disability website and filled out their little questionnaire in order to save time with the in-person interview. Turns out though that the whole process farted in the middle due to a comma being entered in a dollar amount over a thousand dollars (I just cut and pasted a number from Excel). Apparently that was enough to derail the whole process, so while I thought I was done, I was nowhere near done with the disability application. So when I saw someone in person, she gave me the option of going home and completing the application, or doing it there with her, taking two hours. Ummm duh. I chose to go home and finish it, which I did (goodie points for me, I hate this kind of shit!).

Now to reward myself I’m going to go play my new favorite game on Lumosity, Route to Sprout. Never heard of it? Well I highly recommend it! I am using Lumosity to try to recover my ECT-addled brain back to its’ normal functioning. It’s both frustrating and fun. If you’re anal like me and keep track of your scores from Day One, you can see both your progress and where you’ve backpedaled (and wonder why). The brain is a wondrous and wacko thing. I think those neuroscientists at Lumosity could have a field day studying my brain. Ah well, another day in Paradise. Peaches!

Disability Interview

Sooooo I have the dreaded Disability Interview with the Social Security Administration tomorrow.  Yee-haw this is exciting!  I have to provide them with every drip-drop-bit-bot of information about me, so they can reject my application, and then I’ll have to appeal it.  Good times.  I’m limbering up now for all the cartwheels I’ll have to do.  They say they don’t care if your doctor says you’re disabled and can’t work.  Ummmm…..really?  Well what IS the criteria?  I am incredibly overwhelmed at the amount of paperwork that needs to be filled out.  By tomorrow.  That I’ve left until now.  POOP!!!  I am desperately missing the marijuana right about now.

On a totally different and unrelated note, I saw a former co-worker on LinkedIn today and he had changed his last name and is trying to market himself as a motivational speaker, therapist, life coach, and author.  I found it so incredibly interesting.  Considering that we used to work in IT together, he came off as somewhat of a fraud.  Also, what’s with the last name change?  Where do people get the balls to do something like this?  I wanted to send him a message and ask him what the hell happened to his last name, but then I was like, what’s the point?  Maybe I should see if I can take a seminar with Jack Canfield and then reinvent myself.  Write a book called Chicken and Corn Chowder for the Soul.  Guaranteed to give you corn poopie.  Anyhooooo I just had to rant on that.  It blew my mind.  Better get my ass to the kitchen table and start filling out some forms if I’m going to reinvent myself as a Disabled Person.  Peach out.

Hello And Fuck You, Clozaril!

Well my mood has crashed and burned BIG TIME!!!!!  Low, low, low, can barely stop crying….it sucks.  I texted Dr. BigHeart and he said I have to go back on the fucking Clozaril and if it doesn’t perk me back up I might have to check in to the hospital for a few days.  My response?  “Fuck!!!!!”  I only had half a tablet of Clozaril on hand and I can’t get more without bloodwork so I texted Dr. BigHeart again and he asked me to come to the hospital at 7:30 am on Monday for a zap, they’ll draw the blood for me so I can get the prescription and get back on the Weight Gain Highway.  This is all so disheartening, I can’t even tell you.

Today I am driving my parents out of town for my niece’s 8th birthday party, so that will be a good distraction.  Hopefully I can hold my shit together.  I’ll stay with my parents tonight and they’ll drive me to the hospital tomorrow morning for ECT.  Ah, the life of a Bipolar.  It just keeps getting BETTER and BETTER!

WTH? Pigs Are Flying

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One of my most favorite people in the blogosphere, DYANE, nominated me for the Very Inspiring Blogger award.  THANK YOU, DYANE!!!  You can check her out here:  http://proudlybipolar.wordpress.com/

 

The rules in accepting this award are as follows:

  • Thank and link the amazing person who nominated you.
  • List the rules and display the award.
  • Share seven facts about yourself.
  • Nominate 15 other amazing blogs (or any number that you choose, says Bipolaronfire) and comment on their posts to let them know they have been nominated.
  • Optional: Proudly display the award logo on your blog and follow the blogger who nominated you.

Seven facts about me:

1. I looooove lip gloss.  LOVE IT!!  Especially sparkly lip gloss.  Bonus fact:  I don’t shoplift it any more.  Thank you, Topamax.

2. Well I love sparkly things a lot.  Like, sparkly fingernails and toenails.  I’ve got it goin’ on when it comes to sparkling.

3. I love purple.  LOVE!  Like, I’m thinking about spray-painting my car purple.  Would that ruin it?  Or make it the best ever?

4. I love to cuss.  I think it’s because I was brought up strict Catholic.  I can barely get out a sentence without a stray “Fuck” bursting through.

5. I am a ragin’ Cajun.  My great-great-grandfather was Governor of Louisiana.  THAT’S my excuse!

6. I am one of six kids.  And my mom didn’t even strangle ANY of us!

7. I speak a good amount of French and a teensy bit of Spanish.  I’m contemplating becoming an ESL teacher.

And now for the blogs I’d like to nominate for this award, in no particular order:

http://rosiesmrtiepants.wordpress.com/

http://madmargaret.wordpress.com/

http://lazymoan.com

http://www.digitalglitch.org/

http://runthrubipolar.wordpress.com/

http://momentswithmillie.wordpress.com/

http://www.depressionandbipolardisorder.com/

Enjoy these brilliant blogs!!

 

 

 

 

 

Some Change Is A’Comin’

I did a couple of things that were monumental for me today.  First, a little background.  I’ve been feeling like shit.  I’m tapering off the Clozaril, in fact, I took my last dose last night.  I REALLY really really really don’t want to have to take it any more so I REALLY need to pull my shit together.  I’ve been doing a lot of self-sabotaging behavior, like 1) Using marijuana, which I know makes me more depressed and 2) Isolating and 3) Watching shit tv.  I got together with a friend today and confessed to her what I’ve been doing.  It seemed like a logical first step might be to burn the ol’ Medical Marijuana card, so we went ahead and did that.  We ripped it up, then burned it in an abalone shell, then burned some cleansing sage.  It felt like a good and meaningful first step.  When I got home I got out my stash of pipes and pot and threw them in the dumpster.

The final thing to go was a bag of charcoal that I had bought back in January when I was suicidal.  At the time I wasn’t allowed to drive and didn’t even have my car at home.  I had walked down to the grocery store and bought the charcoal with the intention of lighting it in the garage, thinking it’d probably create enough carbon monoxide to kill me.  Holding on to that bag of charcoal all this time was like holding on to the idea of suicide as an option.  I need to take it off the table.  I need to stop considering suicide as an option.  I can’t do that to my dear family and my beloved nieces and nephews.  I need to value my life and do whatever it takes to make it worth living.

So, bye-bye charcoal.  Good-bye, marijuana.  Hello again, twelve-step meetings!  I do not have the ability to use substances in a controlled or low-key manner.  I need to embrace sobriety.  I am beginning a new chapter to the saga.  Wish me luck!

Good Bye and Fuck You, Clozaril!

Haystack

Well I had a Sizzle (ECT) last Friday and I told Dr. BigHeart that I absolutely had to go off the Clozaril.  In addition to it being the world’s biggest pain in the ass to be on, (having to get blood drawn every single week, chasing after the lab to fax it to the pharmacy, picking up one week’s worth of pills every week), I also couldn’t stop gaining weight due to the pot-like munchies.  Dr. BigHeart agreed to let me taper off.  So I’m on a half-dose this week, then after that, finito!  I’ve been a bit stuck in the mud this week, watching kind of a lot of shit tv and beating myself up for it.  But tonight I have a DBT Group get-together at my house again (I think, I’ve been texting everyone and haven’t heard back except for one sorry) so I have to move around and spruce up the house today, and go to Trader Joe’s and pick up some snickety-snacks, because I AM the Hostess with the Mostest!  I also need to get to the Library because I am out of reading material.  So yeah, I have to leave the house and do things.

I went to Grill Night at this beautiful country nine-hole golf course last night called Haystack.  Grill Night means they cook up a bunch of yummy shit on the grill and have live music, it’s a really fun summery thing to do.  This is a picture, that’s Haystack Mountain.  Isn’t it beautiful?  You could smell the flowers from inside, it’s pure heaven.  Hey, here’s an idea!  ENJOY THE DAY.  Yeah.

 

I Am A TV Addict

Oh I hate to admit it but I am sooooo addicted to TV!!  I have sat on my ass for two days in a row watching true crime reality shows!  They have absolutely nothing to offer me, it’s been a beautiful day outside both days, and I. Cannot. Move.  From.  The.  Couch!!!  Help me Lawdy I’m hooked!!!   Oh me oh my I can’t remove myself from this!!!   I haven’t even gotten dressed today!  Holy shit.  What is going to happen to me?

Oh Yeah, DBT!

After my last stint in the looney bin in late January/early February, I was “encouraged” to join a DBT Intensive Outpatient Program that lasted nine weeks, which I did.  It was for three hours, three times a week.  It was a very beneficial class, in that it teaches skills to use to defuse the emotionally-laden situations that Bipolars are known for.  It’s especially beneficial (so they say) for those who suffer intense suicidal ideation, which is a motherfucker of an obsession that comes and goes for me.

Once the DBT IOP ended, I gave everyone in the class my phone number and we said “let’s get together and continue studying these skills” and that promise finally came to fruition tonight!  I have to say, I am SO PROUD of the four of us who showed up!  It was so productive, and supportive to talk about where we’ve been since we finished the IOP, what’s working for us, and where we’re struggling.  I am just super-pleased with how it turned out.

Granted, we went on a lot of tangents, talking about drugs, illicit and otherwise, and other various experiences, like jail, suicide attempts, and being committed, but we managed to focus back in on what we wanted to work on without being too intense or nazi-ish.  I am glad!

After spending all day turning my home into a super-deluxe showplace, it felt really good to relax and enjoy these people.  And now I get to enjoy this shining clean house!

Tomorrow I will go for the old snap crackle & pop, my first ECT treatment in three weeks (the longest I’ve gone without a treatment since last December).  Although I think I could have used one around Monday, I’m still happy that we’re successfully spacing them out further and further.  It will be good to see Dr. BigHeart and all the staff there at the looney bin, the ECT Staff are pretty cool.  I think I’ve done ok in the last three weeks, I’ve increased my social contacts (a struggle for me) and I’ve managed not to gain any more weight, YAY!  Now if I could just go in the other direction.

See you all on the other side of the Zap!  Yeahhhhhhh!!!