Life Is Turned Upside Down

Well, it just takes one little conversation to turn life upside down sometimes.  In this particular instance, it was my dear sister whom I live with, who came down to “check in” with me, and informed me that she “needs her space” and needs me to move out of her house.  Boy I did not see that one coming.  While it’s true that there’s been times I’ve felt unwelcome here, I thought that overall she saw my being here as a benefit when it comes to her two kids, and having an extra adult in the home.  I guess not.

 So, a little bit of turmoil.  No, lots of turmoil.  Because the money I’m making right now isn’t enough to support me in my own place.  And the last time I had a full-time job, I was so stressed out, and wanted to die, on the regular.  And now, I’m looking at having to get another full-time job.  Ready or not.  Well or not.  Able or not.  So, with a gag in my throat, I have applied for three IT jobs today.  Really, they’ll probably all laugh me out of the room.  I haven’t worked in the field in 2 ½ years.  Fuck me!  But, what am I supposed to do?  This is an expensive-as-hell town and I need to make some money.  Oh God, this is so not me…..

 Have I mentioned that I basically hate my sister for putting me in this situation?  I know, I know, she has a right to her space.  It’s her house, if she wants me to move out, she has a right to ask.  But Jesus Christ!  Does she realize what a fucking crisis this is creating for me?????

Well enough of this Debbie Downer post.  I don’t know what to tell you, or ME, for that matter.  Life has to go on.  I think.  I HAVE thought about just killing myself to get out of this difficult situation.  But once again I think about all the people I’d hurt, and I’m like, fuck, I better live.  DAMMIT!!

The Temperature Is Falling, And So Is My Mood

Well, goddamn.  Didja think it wouldn’t happen this year?  Well, yeah, I kinda forgot.  Here came the shorter days, the light changed and *BAM*, Superman, my mood took a dump.  GOD DAMN IT!!!  Why Lord WHY???  It’s like fucking magic!!!  The days get shorter, and I get fatter.  It’s just amazing.  Yet, it’s not.  It sucks.  And I had totally forgotten about THIS thought process while driving, and you see a stupid oncoming car, and you think “What if it hits me?” and then your next thought is “I don’t care, let me die.”  It’s such a bitter disappointment to be back to that.  SHIT!  It’s like all Spring and Summer, I didn’t even have to try.  And now, just as the light leaves, my mood dips, I get fat and lazy, and it’s time to go into overdrive with trying.  Trying to live.  Trying to be healthy.  Trying to exercise.  Trying to eat something besides sugar.  Trying to regulate my mood.  TRYING!!!  Oh fuck me I don’t know if I have the energy for all this trying.  And yet.  The looming threat of hospitalization can motivate even the laziest person, like me.  Thinking about being in the hospital, and having my phone taken away, and having these bitchy bitches waking me up at 5am for bloodwork, and having to go to Group Therapy to earn the right to go outside and smoke (I’m still not smoking but if I got hospitalized I would have to smoke)….well all these thoughts make me a little less lazy.  So!  I think I’ll drink a little more caffeine, and I’ll force myself to do a little work, before I force myself to take a shower, and then force myself to go to a meeting with Dr. Flaky, and then after that I’ll force myself to go to Costco.  And somewhere along the line I’ll forget that I’m forcing myself, and it’ll just feel like life again.  At least, that’s what I hope.

Coloring Keeps Away The Crazy


One of the better things I took away from my last visit to the looney bin was a set of coloring sheets.  I thought coloring was a distant memory from childhood, but I picked it up as an adult, and then I got serious about it and got myself some Gelly Roll metallic pens, which ROCK THE HOUSE, Y’ALL!!  The colors are electric and the pens make a wonderful deposit with each swish to the page.  These pens ain’t for wimps, y’all!  Through all of my stress lately, I’ve found myself sneaking down to my apartment to surreptitiously color.  No tv, no music, just coloring.  It takes me away!  I highly recommend it.  Here is a great page you can go to to print out mandalas to color, that’s where I got this one.  If you haven’t colored since you were a child, I highly encourage you to try it again!  Don’t worry about how you look, or who might bust you.  Just try it!  It soothes the soul, I promise.

Hope you all have a great day.  Peach out homies!

The New Normal

The New Normal for me is STRESS.  Stress, stress, and more stress.  Dad came out of the hospital and home to 24-hour nursing care and Hospice.  It was either that, or a nursing home, and none of us could tolerate the idea of a nursing home.  Medicare pays for Hospice, but the parents have to pay out of pocket for the 24-hour nursing ($22/hour!!!).  THANK GOD they have the means to do that.

It is SO STRESSFUL and SAD to see my Dad so ill and incapacitated!!!  He is also in so much denial!!  There he is in his hospital bed, telling me that he can get up and walk across the room, when he can’t even stand up, or wipe his own butt.  It makes me unbelievably sad to see him so humbled by life.  I hardly know what to do with my emotions.  Fortunately, I have had loads of work from Dr. HasHerShitTogether, so I’ve been keeping busy, and that helps A LOT.  Also, I’m broke as a joke and I need the damn money!  I just submitted my first invoice, so I should see a check soon.

I also did un-fire Dr. Flaky and I’m going to meet with her on Wednesday.  This should be a good source of some steady work for awhile, getting her caught up on everything, IF she behaves and keeps to her commitments.  I’m hopeful, but realistic.  It might work, but if it doesn’t, I’ll have to cut my losses.  We’ll see.  She IS a good person, she’s just very, very scattered.  If I can do some work to help her pull it together, so much the better.

Other than working and going to my parents, I haven’t had a life!  Today is the first chance I’ve even had to do my laundry.  My apartment is a total mess and I don’t know if I have the energy to clean it, even though it would make me feel better to have a more clean environment.  Where the hell are the little pixies and elves when you need them???

Well my friends, that’s my sorry update.  Oh, still not smoking, miracle of miracles!!  Mood still steady, second miracle.  I believe I am being visited by Grace.  I am grateful for that.  I hope you all are well.  Peace!

Dr. Flaky Is Trying To Un-Fire Herself

Well Dr. Flaky played the “I’m sorry and I own EVERYTHING card” with me, as well as the “Please will you reconsider” card.  TWO CARDS THAT I AM A TOTAL SUCKER FOR.  The thing is, Dr. Flaky “might” get her shit together and do all the things I said need to be done in order for me to be able to be an effective assistant for her.  Or, she might just charm me back and keep with her chaotic ways.  It’s a total crapshoot.  But, since I need the money and the work, I’m probably going to take the chance.

In my own personal chaos news, my Dad is in the hospital AGAIN.  This time might REALLY be IT.  He is a long-time sufferer of Pulmonary Fibrosis, a progressive disease which causes scarring on the lungs to the point that you just can’t breathe, and die.  Secondly, he has c-diff, a terrible toxin in the colin that causes your insides to liquidate and seep out in diarrhea.  Poor old guy has already lost ten pounds he couldn’t afford to lose.  Third, he has sepsis (a bacterial infection of the blood) from the c-diff.  FOURTH, he has an injured left shoulder that is so bad, you can’t even touch it and is on cancer-level painkillers for that.  In short, Dad is a mess, and he is so weak, I don’t know if he can come back from this.  We initially called 911 yesterday because he couldn’t stand up off the couch, so we couldn’t even take him to the hospital ourselves, because we couldn’t help him up with all his aches and pains.  (INAPPROPRIATE SIDE NOTE:  You should have SEEN the hot hunky firefighters!!  GodDAMN my clothes nearly FELL OFF!!!)

This is very, very painful to see my Dad so weak and in pain and I’ve gone into Supergirl Cope Mode (the crash will come) and am spending the nights at the hospital so that my poor fragile mother won’t sleep there, and subsequently fall apart herself.

On top of this, my dear Uncle Preston died last Monday.  We were making preparations to go to Montana for the funeral this Thursday, driving straight through with my crazy aunt in tow, which I was dreading because she is not so much crazy as she is self-absorbed to the most severe extent (called my Mom while we were in the emergency room to tell her all about her physical therapy and how well it’s going, couldn’t give a fuck that Mom was IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM WITH MY DAD!), etc.  She is more a crazy-making aunt.  Everyone around her goes bonkers trying to tolerate her.  And I was going to have to share a hotel room with her.  Also, I was asked to sing at the funeral and I have terrible stage fright.  So, mixed feelings about probably not going to Uncle Peppy’s funeral.

So, in summary, my life has slid into chaos.  Send spoons!!!  I will deal with this on an hour-by-hour basis.  I will not blow up at anyone.  I will not start smoking again.  I will not end up in the psych hospital.  I hope my Dad lives.  I guess that is all.  Hope you are having a much better weekend than I.



I Fired Dr. Flaky

Well, it happened.  I reached the end of my rope with Dr. Flaky.  I just realized as I was walking to the store last night that I was full of chaos, and it was HER chaos, and I DON’T NEED THAT!!!  She has assigned me tasks over & over & over and then not provided me with the information I need to complete said tasks.  I have emailed her over & over & over asking her for more information and received no response.  The same goes for texting.  No response.  This is a crazy-making situation.  The straw that broke the camel’s back was when she gave one of her patients my phone number yesterday and said “call my assistant” for statements on his account – and I had to send him an email, looking like a total idiot, reflecting the chaos that is Dr. Flaky’s practice – and telling him what information I had, and asking if it was correct and complete (knowing it was not).  This just is no way to run a business!!!!!  And I can’t be a part of this.  If she would allow me to run the business, I would have it in tip-top shape.  But for some reason she is holding on to the information and not using the new system I helped her build.  Garbage in —> Garbage out.  So, I sent her a very respectful letter of resignation.  She replied that she was very sad to receive it and wished that I had communicated my frustration.  I communicated like crazy with her, she just ignored me.  Hence the frustration.  She asked me to reconsider, and I sent her a second letter with my list of conditions, which I’m sure makes me come across as a control freak.  But I don’t care.  If she wants help running her business, she can take me up on my offer.  Otherwise, she can say b’bye and pay me what she owes me, which isn’t much.  She wasn’t even giving me five hours of work per week, so it’s no great loss financially.  It just came down to too much frustration for too little payoff.  I have to hope that more opportunities like Dr. HasHerShitTogether (my new client) will come my way.  Or, that I finally get Disability.  God knows I can’t work too much without my body erupting in fits of fibromyalgia pain.  Fuck, I don’t know what the answer is for me.  Only time will tell.  I think I’ll go look for work.  Have a good day, friends.

Living With Discomfort

Well today is Day 3 of not smoking (cigarettes, still off the pot too) and I have to tell you, it’s only hard when I have the feels!  Which is . . . much of the time.  I think I might be what you would call a “feeling stuffer” and no that is not a good thing.  I find that I have anxiety, sadness, and just plain boredom that I am used to smoking away.  In and out, that smoke does something with my feelings.  It’s fucking magic!  And no, it’s not just the nicotine.  I’m sitting here wearing an XL-Loaded-For-Bear-Strong-As-You-Can-Get nicotine patch.  It helps some.  But I still want that magical smoke going in and out of my lungs.  Somehow THAT is the hard part of the addiction to break.

This post isn’t meant to be all about smoking, however.  It’s about discomfort.  I seem to have a low tolerance for it.  I am trying to coach myself to sit with my discomfort.  To tell myself, it’s ok to be uncomfortable.  I can feel sad.  I can feel lonely.  I can feel bored.  I can deal.  What a novel idea!

With my work, Dr. Flaky brings out my inherent anxiety that I have had with every job.  Because I don’t hear from her for long stretches of time, I start to wonder if I’m fired.  When I email her and she doesn’t respond, I wonder if I’ve done something wrong.  She told me once that she trusts me, but once the trust is lost, it’s lost.  So I wonder, does she think I’ve done something untrustworthy?  I haven’t, but it’s all in her perceptions.  So, not hearing from her leaves my imagination to run wild.  Working for ANYONE brings out my insecurities, which leads to anxiety.  I’d rather not go through any of it, frankly.

I don’t know where to go with this, except to take my own advice:  treat yourself like you would your best friend.  Be kind.  Be compassionate.  Offer help.  Offer advice, which in the case of Dr. Flaky would be to detach from the situation, understand she earned her name, and she is who she is.  If you want to work for her you have to understand that things go on  her unstable timetable.  For right now, some work is better than no work, because some money is better than no money.  Keep looking for other opportunities.  Keep being professional.

With that, I think I’ll go troll the want ads.  I saw something on Twitter that said “If the door doesn’t open, it’s not your door.”  That is somewhat comforting to me.  If the opportunity is right for me, it will open up.  I hope all of you have wonderful, restful weekends!  Thanks for reading❤

Hurry Up And Wait!


Well, things are moving slow on this end.  I got hired by a new doctor to help her with this electronic medical record software conversion, and then she promptly went on vacation (FUCK!).  She left me about an hour’s worth of work, which I promptly completed.  Meanwhile, Dr. Flaky and I met, and she gave me about three hours’ worth of work (FUCK, FUCK!).  This is NOT going to pay the bills.  The OTHER psychiatrist I interviewed with who said he wanted help with a software conversion has not gotten back to me.  So here I sit, thumb up my butt, panicking about money like nobody’s business.  I guess it’s back to the old drawing board for me.  Need to find something with substance to keep me busy and pay the bills.  Something I can count on.

ALSO, my poor dear Uncle Peppy is in the last stages of life, dying of lung cancer.  He is in the hospital, and has been told that he will never return home.  I have been so sad and grieving what he and my Aunt are going through.  I also have overcome my own hypocrisy and guilt of STILL SMOKING and have quit as of yesterday.  I know, it’s just one day, but I really, really, REALLY want to be done with smoking, feeling guilty, being a “secret smoker”, dousing myself with fabric softener solution so I don’t stink, multiple car fresheners, and all my miscellaneous bullshit around smoking.  I just want to be done!  I also can really feel the dent in my mood due to the grief of my Uncle passing (even though he hasn’t passed yet, the grief has already started).

FINALLY, because I know this post isn’t Debbie Downer-ish enough, I can feel the seasons beginning to change.  While on a walk with my crazy Aunt (different Aunt), I saw some trees whose leaves were starting to turn red (God DAMN it!) and I can feel the days shortening.  Also, the kids start school next week.  I just am NOT ready for summer to end!!!  Summer is my easy time for my mood, I just don’t have to work at it.  Now I can feel myself beginning to sink.  Granted, some of it is grief, but some of it is this.  So fuckety-fuck, I have to start getting proactive plans in place to bolster things up.  Being Bipolar ain’t for wimps, that’s for sure.

The one constant joy in my life is the honeybirds.  I posted a sweet picture from my backyard.  Expect to keep seeing them ’till I run out of good pictures.  There’s at least five more🙂  Hope you all are holding up better than me . . . Let me know how you are!  And eat a peach in my honor, if you will.  Peaches, BPOF!

***UPDATE*** I just got an email from my mostly useless lawyer saying that he’s appealing my Disability decision (which was a “No”) to U.S. District Court so it appears that this is not over yet!!  I thought that I was fucked when it came to disability but maybe there’s one more chance!  Oh Lord please let it be so!!!  I was just telling my therapist yesterday that I have no idea how I’ll manage to function once the Winter Doldrums hit me and I’m really scared that I won’t be able to function at all.  So please Universe, let the U.S. District Court rule in my favor!!!!!  Improbable but maybe there is still hope!






It's Magic

Uh, wasn’t it just YESTERDAY that I wrote about wanting to believe in magic and doing this hocus-pocus Catholic novena?  How I just wanted work that I like?  (Ideally more of the same work I’d been doing at home, no people, just work).  Well holeeee shit I just got an email from the software company that makes this doctor software saying they have a new client in Boulder that they want to hook me up with!!!  KABAM!!!  And I’m not even done with the novena yet!!!  Yeah yeah yeah I am having a gratitude attack I am SO EXCITED!!!!  Just to be able to work, doing something I like.  What a privilege.  Thank you, Universe!!!!!

Do You Believe In Magic?


This is my latest purchase from the Nepalese store in Boulder.  The owner told me it would bring me good luck and sound sleep.  I didn’t need to hear anything else, I was sold!  It’s a pretty piece of glass, isn’t it?  I love to believe in magic.  And to tell you the truth, I have been sleeping better!  Don’t know about the luck thing yet.  I applied for three jobs last week, I guess I had good luck because I immediately was called for an interview for one of them.  I am on the fence as to whether or not I want the job, but it is part-time and would supplement what I do for Dr. Flaky nicely, since I can’t count on her at all.  I’m also practicing what I call Catholic Magic, which is a Novena to St. Joseph.  Catholicism is so damn magical and they have a patron saint for just about everything, and you make a novena to St. Joseph for work.  This demonstrates the level of my despair, that I would dust off my completely renounced Catholic beliefs in a desperate attempt to get some work that I don’t hate.  My sister did the novena for me before I got the job with Dr. Flaky, and I really liked the work.  So!  All I can say is, willingness is key when you want to achieve something.  If you all know of any witch doctors or voodoo practitioners I should contact, please let me know in the Comments section.

After two years of not working, and many years before that of absolutely hating the work I did, I find it so interesting that I really do want to work!  I enjoy the feeling of productivity and I enjoy being busy.  It’s the human interaction and having to “play nice” that hangs me up and makes me want to take a big dump in the middle of the room.  Me oh my, why oh why was I given such a difficult personality???  I wish there was some “higher purpose” and that it was for some “greater good” and I could go “Ohhhhh YEAHHHH THIS is why I’m such a jerkoff!!!”  It’s all beautiful now!  I’m going to pray to my beautiful glass lotus flower for that to magically happen.  ‘Cause I don’t see a future of me shutting my mouth meekly or saying “Yes, Sir, No, Sir” in my future.  Anyone with any wisdom on the subject, please DO share!

Well I’m off to do my favorite activity, pick up prescriptions!  Those suckers at Walgreens must be wondering when my liver is gonna blow up already, with all the shit I take.  It takes a mountain of pills to keep this person going, I say!  Hope you all have a wondrous Sunday full of butterflies and rainbows.  Peach out!

Therapy Day, YAY!!

This is the first blog I’m writing on my Mac.  I’ve always been a pc person, but I have a Mac now too, and I’m trying to learn and adjust and not be so damn rigid and set in my ways.  Ya see?  You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!!  The old dog just needs to have a little willingness…

So here are the highlights of my life that I will regale my therapist with:  1.  Spider Trauma.  See my last post.  I’m still in hyper-alert mode and taking too much clonazepam to sleep.  2.  Dad trauma.  Do you fucking hate when you wake up in the morning to a group text saying “Dad is in the hospital emergency room . . .” — never happened to you?  Oh you just WAIT!  It has happened one too many times, and I’m sure it will happen some more, because Dad is old and weak and getting older and weaker.  This is a reality that is hard to deal with.  3.  Waking up to a text that my AUNT is in the hospital with chest pains (she has a heart condition).  Aunt is very narcissistic and, it turns out, has a very low threshold for pain.  ‘Twas not anything to do with her heart, but merely gastritis.  I kind of got a clue as to what a wimp she was to pain when they ripped the tape off to take her IV out, and she made horror-story faces like she was being stabbed.  AND she wouldn’t let the nurses discharge her until they looked at some pictures of her cats.  AND THEN she asked for the nurse’s phone number so she could call her and let her know how she was (I put the kibosh on that so the nurse didn’t have to say “Fuck no, lady!”)  4.  Work has wound down to sporadic calling in of prescriptions.  I can’t even pay my phone bill on this much work.  I took a long walk the other night and talked to God (not sure that God exists, but on the chance that s/he does, we had a chat).  What in the FUCK is going on?  Do you WANT me to go back to the work that I hate??  Do I have to hate life in order to live?  Can’t I have more work that I like?  SHOW ME A SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I’m sure God gets a lot of this “show me a sign” business and is probably fed up with it.  No signs thus far, and no work either.

Anyhoo, this fucking machine keeps autocorrecting my strange words, which is annoying. I won’t turn it off, though, because my many-times-fried brain gets stuck spelling long words and needs help.  Oh!  One more random fact, I got THREE HUNDRED BUCKS in Amazon gift cards for my birthday and am happily shopping away.  A bright spot!!!  Hope there’s a bright spot in your week too.  Toodles for now (almost autocorrected to Noodles, that would be stupid).  Hope you are well, friends!!!

**Trigger Warning** SPIDERS!!

Oh fuck do I hate spiders!  I mean REALLY hate spiders.  So it is a little bit hard to be living in my sister’s basement.  Albeit a very nice, finished basement, but still, a basement.  And in basements, there are spiders.  All over the place, I have sticky cardboard on the floor to catch spiders.  I spray spider spray (organic shit I made up from some recipe I found on the Interwebs) but STILL!  There are spiders.  Last week, as I was laying in bed, waking up, reading shit on my phone as I do most mornings, I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye.  What was it?  A FUCKING SPIDER ON MY BED!!!!!  I flew out of the bed, throwing off the covers, screaming like a murder was taking place.  Motherfucking spider!!!!!  I *think* I found the culprit, crawling up my wall, and summarily vacuumed it up with little hand vac (also known as a “spider vac”) but I have to tell you, sleeping hasn’t been the same since.  Also, I’ve had a spider in my shower, and a spider in my sink.  Uh, I’m more than a little obsessed about spiders now.  Is a spider crawling on me?  Going to bed is a trial.  I’m afraid to get in bed.  Then I’m afraid to be in bed.  Then I’m afraid to fall asleep.  Then some SHITHEAD posts on twitter about how many spiders we swallow while we’re asleep, and my head unscrews from my body and falls on the floor.  PEOPLE I THINK I MAY BE GOING CRAZY!!!  I have therapy on Wednesday the 20th (couldn’t have it yesterday because I was busy turning fifty fucking years old) and I think I’m going to ask for the big hocus-pocus:  EMDR.  I need some big magic to erase the Spider Mania that has possessed me.  If I have in turn possessed you, I apologize.  This is bad.  REAL BAD.

In other developments, I have quit using pot.  I know, I know.  I’m off, I’m on, I’m off, and then, I’m on.  I love my fucking pot.  But I don’t love the associated eating and piling on of fat!!!  And I can’t seem to do it on a casual basis.  It quickly becomes a daily habit, every day at 4pm, gotta eat the pot.  Gotta be stoned every night.  I was really worried about quitting, but thank Godwina, once I was off for a day, it was easy.  Pot is wayyyyyyy easier to quit than other stuff.  Like smoking.  Still smoking cigarettes.  Three to five a day.  Guilty as HELL!!!  Being a secret smoker, hiding it from my family, spritzing myself with a fabric softener/water mixture after smoking, oh it’s a bunch of bullshit and it’s really getting me down.  I even have a favorite uncle dying of lung cancer, and I’m smoking my cig’s.  Guilty, guilty, guilty.  I know NO ONE can relate to the self-defeating, addictive behaviors, right?  Ok.  I’m Bipolar.  We do this shit.

Even though I turned FIFTY!!!!!!!, it was a good birthday yesterday.  I had a great day with my sister, going to Mount Evans (elevation 14,265, temperature 45 degrees while it was 91 in Boulder) and seeing the big horn sheep and mountain goats.  It was super-fun and wayyyyy beautiful.  I’m grateful.  Hope all of you out there in blog-land are doing well!

Well I’ve Been Up, And I’ve Been Down…

Seems like I should be strummin’ a banjo, huh.  Yoooooodelayheehoo!!!  Welllll I been up, I been down.  Ok…end of bad country song.  Beginning of story.

It’s been good, a good summer, overall, the weather is lovely, I’m working (or at least I was…) and feeling happy and productive.  Isn’t it amazing how a little output can make a person happy?  Well, judge it if you will but it fuckin’ made me feel good to do something.  And then?  Well we pretty much finished up the work.  There was only so much, importing these psychiatric files into this new system, and then, dunzo!  I still act like the doctor’s assistant and call in prescriptions for her (DID YOU KNOW that you can just call in to the pharmacy and say you work for so-and-so doctor, and you can authorize refills?!?!  What awesome power I have!!!  And what a lax system is in place!!!  But I digress..)  So I am left with my fantastic new color laser printer/scanner, my desk all setup, and not much to do.  HELP!

And then….I got the letter in the mail yesterday from SSI Disability that basically said, verbatim, “Fuck Off, Stop Appealing Our Decisions, You’re All Out of Appeals, Go The Fuck Away.”  IT SAID THAT!!!  It is all over and done with.  Someone with severe Bipolar Depression, over 45 ECT Treatments, multiple hospitalizations, off “real” work for 2 ½ years….doesn’t qualify for Disability.  So NOW I have to revise my life plan rather drastically and rather quickly to determine how in the hell I can support myself, and still like my life.  Because the past options resulted in me hating my life.  Oh lawdy my therapist is going to be earning that money tomorrow!!  She’s gonna BLEED!!!

Meanwhile, back at your ranch, what’s been shakin’?  Any new meat to report?

I Live Below Frankenstein

I live below Frankenstein, or as he may also be known, my fourteen-year-old nephew, and I spend a lot of my day and most of my night listening to him CLOMP-CLOMP-CLOMP around.  He is in some sort of training to be a great big oaf, I swear!  CLOMP-CLOMP-CLOMP goes the boy, oh and did I mention that he PACES because he’s on FUCKING ABILIFY (I curse thy name!) and FUCKING ABILIFY can give you hyperkinesia, or excessive movement for you dummies!  CLOMP-CLOMP-CLOMP is the background narration of my LIFE!  And it’s not like I can SAY anything to him, right?  Because I can’t ask the poor kid to censor his very movements so the Ol’ Broad Downstairs can have a little peace, can I?  No.  The answer is No.  Any other answer is assholian.  So can I just say that I’m a little bit happy that he’s going on a trip to see his Deadbeat Daddy tomorrow for eleven days?  Can I say that I will relish the peace every moment of every day?  Fuck yeah I can!

I can work in peace.  (See how I worked that little detail in?  I’M WORKING.)  I can read in peace.  I can make jewelry in peace.  Theoretically, I could masturbate in peace.  Theoretically.  Best of all, I can BE in peace.  And quiet.  DAMN when did I become such an Introvert?

An Appointment With Dr. Flaky and FLOWERS!!

News Flash!  I am meeting with Dr. Flaky at 9:30 am tomorrow, Wednesday.  Not sure if she’s actually going to give me more work to do, as she says, or if she’s going to fire me.  She said she wants to pay me for what I’ve done so far,  and then give me more files.  I guess it could go either way.  In the meantime, I have nothinggggg to dooooooo.  Yesterday I planted flowers and herbs in my pots outside (YEAH!), one of my favorite things to do.  I keep going outside to look at them, they’re so fucking cute!!!  I made myself exercise first, then going to Home Depot for plants was my reward.  Today I will exercise, then go to Costco as my reward.   Not much of a reward but fuck!  I have to do something to make myself exercise!  I have gained back some of the weight I’d lost, which makes me mad as hell.  It’s due to being back on the sugar addiction, and yes it’s a fucking addiction to me, and not exercising every single day as I was.  I don’t know how I’m going to get off the sugar.  My sister said something interesting the other day, she is a PE and Health teacher and just went to a conference for the top PE Teachers in the country.  There was a talk on Eating Disorders, and she said that one of the overlooked Eating Disorders is Overeating.  Well goddamn.  I have an Eating Disorder.  It’s just that simple!  I have a terrible time controlling what I put in my mouth.  (Shush with your dirty minds!).  So I’m like, wondering, do I need to go to Overeaters Anonymous?  I think I should look into it.  Oh goodie.  Another 12-Step Program.  Well, I need to do SOMETHING because I fucking HATE being fat!!!!  When I look at pictures of myself over the years, my weight is all over the place.  Huge, svelte, and everything in between.  I sure am tired of struggling with this.  But I imagine that I will have to keep struggling if I want to achieve an ideal weight.

Well as usual this post is all over the place, as is my mind.  What the fuck, Adderall?  You’re not organizing my thoughts at all.  At least it enables me to work.  When I work, I seem to be able to concentrate and get things done.  When I have nothing to do…well I’m all over the place.  As you can see.

Whelp, it’s time to get back to my games!  Must! Achieve! 10,000 points!  Fuck, I gotta achieve SOMETHING today!!  Hope your week is going exceedingly well.  Peach out, homies!!