HOLY FUCK THE MAGIC IS REAL!!!

It's Magic

Uh, wasn’t it just YESTERDAY that I wrote about wanting to believe in magic and doing this hocus-pocus Catholic novena?  How I just wanted work that I like?  (Ideally more of the same work I’d been doing at home, no people, just work).  Well holeeee shit I just got an email from the software company that makes this doctor software saying they have a new client in Boulder that they want to hook me up with!!!  KABAM!!!  And I’m not even done with the novena yet!!!  Yeah yeah yeah I am having a gratitude attack I am SO EXCITED!!!!  Just to be able to work, doing something I like.  What a privilege.  Thank you, Universe!!!!!

Do You Believe In Magic?

LOTUS

This is my latest purchase from the Nepalese store in Boulder.  The owner told me it would bring me good luck and sound sleep.  I didn’t need to hear anything else, I was sold!  It’s a pretty piece of glass, isn’t it?  I love to believe in magic.  And to tell you the truth, I have been sleeping better!  Don’t know about the luck thing yet.  I applied for three jobs last week, I guess I had good luck because I immediately was called for an interview for one of them.  I am on the fence as to whether or not I want the job, but it is part-time and would supplement what I do for Dr. Flaky nicely, since I can’t count on her at all.  I’m also practicing what I call Catholic Magic, which is a Novena to St. Joseph.  Catholicism is so damn magical and they have a patron saint for just about everything, and you make a novena to St. Joseph for work.  This demonstrates the level of my despair, that I would dust off my completely renounced Catholic beliefs in a desperate attempt to get some work that I don’t hate.  My sister did the novena for me before I got the job with Dr. Flaky, and I really liked the work.  So!  All I can say is, willingness is key when you want to achieve something.  If you all know of any witch doctors or voodoo practitioners I should contact, please let me know in the Comments section.

After two years of not working, and many years before that of absolutely hating the work I did, I find it so interesting that I really do want to work!  I enjoy the feeling of productivity and I enjoy being busy.  It’s the human interaction and having to “play nice” that hangs me up and makes me want to take a big dump in the middle of the room.  Me oh my, why oh why was I given such a difficult personality???  I wish there was some “higher purpose” and that it was for some “greater good” and I could go “Ohhhhh YEAHHHH THIS is why I’m such a jerkoff!!!”  It’s all beautiful now!  I’m going to pray to my beautiful glass lotus flower for that to magically happen.  ‘Cause I don’t see a future of me shutting my mouth meekly or saying “Yes, Sir, No, Sir” in my future.  Anyone with any wisdom on the subject, please DO share!

Well I’m off to do my favorite activity, pick up prescriptions!  Those suckers at Walgreens must be wondering when my liver is gonna blow up already, with all the shit I take.  It takes a mountain of pills to keep this person going, I say!  Hope you all have a wondrous Sunday full of butterflies and rainbows.  Peach out!

Therapy Day, YAY!!

This is the first blog I’m writing on my Mac.  I’ve always been a pc person, but I have a Mac now too, and I’m trying to learn and adjust and not be so damn rigid and set in my ways.  Ya see?  You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!!  The old dog just needs to have a little willingness…

So here are the highlights of my life that I will regale my therapist with:  1.  Spider Trauma.  See my last post.  I’m still in hyper-alert mode and taking too much clonazepam to sleep.  2.  Dad trauma.  Do you fucking hate when you wake up in the morning to a group text saying “Dad is in the hospital emergency room . . .” — never happened to you?  Oh you just WAIT!  It has happened one too many times, and I’m sure it will happen some more, because Dad is old and weak and getting older and weaker.  This is a reality that is hard to deal with.  3.  Waking up to a text that my AUNT is in the hospital with chest pains (she has a heart condition).  Aunt is very narcissistic and, it turns out, has a very low threshold for pain.  ‘Twas not anything to do with her heart, but merely gastritis.  I kind of got a clue as to what a wimp she was to pain when they ripped the tape off to take her IV out, and she made horror-story faces like she was being stabbed.  AND she wouldn’t let the nurses discharge her until they looked at some pictures of her cats.  AND THEN she asked for the nurse’s phone number so she could call her and let her know how she was (I put the kibosh on that so the nurse didn’t have to say “Fuck no, lady!”)  4.  Work has wound down to sporadic calling in of prescriptions.  I can’t even pay my phone bill on this much work.  I took a long walk the other night and talked to God (not sure that God exists, but on the chance that s/he does, we had a chat).  What in the FUCK is going on?  Do you WANT me to go back to the work that I hate??  Do I have to hate life in order to live?  Can’t I have more work that I like?  SHOW ME A SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I’m sure God gets a lot of this “show me a sign” business and is probably fed up with it.  No signs thus far, and no work either.

Anyhoo, this fucking machine keeps autocorrecting my strange words, which is annoying. I won’t turn it off, though, because my many-times-fried brain gets stuck spelling long words and needs help.  Oh!  One more random fact, I got THREE HUNDRED BUCKS in Amazon gift cards for my birthday and am happily shopping away.  A bright spot!!!  Hope there’s a bright spot in your week too.  Toodles for now (almost autocorrected to Noodles, that would be stupid).  Hope you are well, friends!!!

**Trigger Warning** SPIDERS!!

Oh fuck do I hate spiders!  I mean REALLY hate spiders.  So it is a little bit hard to be living in my sister’s basement.  Albeit a very nice, finished basement, but still, a basement.  And in basements, there are spiders.  All over the place, I have sticky cardboard on the floor to catch spiders.  I spray spider spray (organic shit I made up from some recipe I found on the Interwebs) but STILL!  There are spiders.  Last week, as I was laying in bed, waking up, reading shit on my phone as I do most mornings, I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye.  What was it?  A FUCKING SPIDER ON MY BED!!!!!  I flew out of the bed, throwing off the covers, screaming like a murder was taking place.  Motherfucking spider!!!!!  I *think* I found the culprit, crawling up my wall, and summarily vacuumed it up with little hand vac (also known as a “spider vac”) but I have to tell you, sleeping hasn’t been the same since.  Also, I’ve had a spider in my shower, and a spider in my sink.  Uh, I’m more than a little obsessed about spiders now.  Is a spider crawling on me?  Going to bed is a trial.  I’m afraid to get in bed.  Then I’m afraid to be in bed.  Then I’m afraid to fall asleep.  Then some SHITHEAD posts on twitter about how many spiders we swallow while we’re asleep, and my head unscrews from my body and falls on the floor.  PEOPLE I THINK I MAY BE GOING CRAZY!!!  I have therapy on Wednesday the 20th (couldn’t have it yesterday because I was busy turning fifty fucking years old) and I think I’m going to ask for the big hocus-pocus:  EMDR.  I need some big magic to erase the Spider Mania that has possessed me.  If I have in turn possessed you, I apologize.  This is bad.  REAL BAD.

In other developments, I have quit using pot.  I know, I know.  I’m off, I’m on, I’m off, and then, I’m on.  I love my fucking pot.  But I don’t love the associated eating and piling on of fat!!!  And I can’t seem to do it on a casual basis.  It quickly becomes a daily habit, every day at 4pm, gotta eat the pot.  Gotta be stoned every night.  I was really worried about quitting, but thank Godwina, once I was off for a day, it was easy.  Pot is wayyyyyyy easier to quit than other stuff.  Like smoking.  Still smoking cigarettes.  Three to five a day.  Guilty as HELL!!!  Being a secret smoker, hiding it from my family, spritzing myself with a fabric softener/water mixture after smoking, oh it’s a bunch of bullshit and it’s really getting me down.  I even have a favorite uncle dying of lung cancer, and I’m smoking my cig’s.  Guilty, guilty, guilty.  I know NO ONE can relate to the self-defeating, addictive behaviors, right?  Ok.  I’m Bipolar.  We do this shit.

Even though I turned FIFTY!!!!!!!, it was a good birthday yesterday.  I had a great day with my sister, going to Mount Evans (elevation 14,265, temperature 45 degrees while it was 91 in Boulder) and seeing the big horn sheep and mountain goats.  It was super-fun and wayyyyy beautiful.  I’m grateful.  Hope all of you out there in blog-land are doing well!

Well I’ve Been Up, And I’ve Been Down…

Seems like I should be strummin’ a banjo, huh.  Yoooooodelayheehoo!!!  Welllll I been up, I been down.  Ok…end of bad country song.  Beginning of story.

It’s been good, a good summer, overall, the weather is lovely, I’m working (or at least I was…) and feeling happy and productive.  Isn’t it amazing how a little output can make a person happy?  Well, judge it if you will but it fuckin’ made me feel good to do something.  And then?  Well we pretty much finished up the work.  There was only so much, importing these psychiatric files into this new system, and then, dunzo!  I still act like the doctor’s assistant and call in prescriptions for her (DID YOU KNOW that you can just call in to the pharmacy and say you work for so-and-so doctor, and you can authorize refills?!?!  What awesome power I have!!!  And what a lax system is in place!!!  But I digress..)  So I am left with my fantastic new color laser printer/scanner, my desk all setup, and not much to do.  HELP!

And then….I got the letter in the mail yesterday from SSI Disability that basically said, verbatim, “Fuck Off, Stop Appealing Our Decisions, You’re All Out of Appeals, Go The Fuck Away.”  IT SAID THAT!!!  It is all over and done with.  Someone with severe Bipolar Depression, over 45 ECT Treatments, multiple hospitalizations, off “real” work for 2 ½ years….doesn’t qualify for Disability.  So NOW I have to revise my life plan rather drastically and rather quickly to determine how in the hell I can support myself, and still like my life.  Because the past options resulted in me hating my life.  Oh lawdy my therapist is going to be earning that money tomorrow!!  She’s gonna BLEED!!!

Meanwhile, back at your ranch, what’s been shakin’?  Any new meat to report?

I Live Below Frankenstein

I live below Frankenstein, or as he may also be known, my fourteen-year-old nephew, and I spend a lot of my day and most of my night listening to him CLOMP-CLOMP-CLOMP around.  He is in some sort of training to be a great big oaf, I swear!  CLOMP-CLOMP-CLOMP goes the boy, oh and did I mention that he PACES because he’s on FUCKING ABILIFY (I curse thy name!) and FUCKING ABILIFY can give you hyperkinesia, or excessive movement for you dummies!  CLOMP-CLOMP-CLOMP is the background narration of my LIFE!  And it’s not like I can SAY anything to him, right?  Because I can’t ask the poor kid to censor his very movements so the Ol’ Broad Downstairs can have a little peace, can I?  No.  The answer is No.  Any other answer is assholian.  So can I just say that I’m a little bit happy that he’s going on a trip to see his Deadbeat Daddy tomorrow for eleven days?  Can I say that I will relish the peace every moment of every day?  Fuck yeah I can!

I can work in peace.  (See how I worked that little detail in?  I’M WORKING.)  I can read in peace.  I can make jewelry in peace.  Theoretically, I could masturbate in peace.  Theoretically.  Best of all, I can BE in peace.  And quiet.  DAMN when did I become such an Introvert?

An Appointment With Dr. Flaky and FLOWERS!!

News Flash!  I am meeting with Dr. Flaky at 9:30 am tomorrow, Wednesday.  Not sure if she’s actually going to give me more work to do, as she says, or if she’s going to fire me.  She said she wants to pay me for what I’ve done so far,  and then give me more files.  I guess it could go either way.  In the meantime, I have nothinggggg to dooooooo.  Yesterday I planted flowers and herbs in my pots outside (YEAH!), one of my favorite things to do.  I keep going outside to look at them, they’re so fucking cute!!!  I made myself exercise first, then going to Home Depot for plants was my reward.  Today I will exercise, then go to Costco as my reward.   Not much of a reward but fuck!  I have to do something to make myself exercise!  I have gained back some of the weight I’d lost, which makes me mad as hell.  It’s due to being back on the sugar addiction, and yes it’s a fucking addiction to me, and not exercising every single day as I was.  I don’t know how I’m going to get off the sugar.  My sister said something interesting the other day, she is a PE and Health teacher and just went to a conference for the top PE Teachers in the country.  There was a talk on Eating Disorders, and she said that one of the overlooked Eating Disorders is Overeating.  Well goddamn.  I have an Eating Disorder.  It’s just that simple!  I have a terrible time controlling what I put in my mouth.  (Shush with your dirty minds!).  So I’m like, wondering, do I need to go to Overeaters Anonymous?  I think I should look into it.  Oh goodie.  Another 12-Step Program.  Well, I need to do SOMETHING because I fucking HATE being fat!!!!  When I look at pictures of myself over the years, my weight is all over the place.  Huge, svelte, and everything in between.  I sure am tired of struggling with this.  But I imagine that I will have to keep struggling if I want to achieve an ideal weight.

Well as usual this post is all over the place, as is my mind.  What the fuck, Adderall?  You’re not organizing my thoughts at all.  At least it enables me to work.  When I work, I seem to be able to concentrate and get things done.  When I have nothing to do…well I’m all over the place.  As you can see.

Whelp, it’s time to get back to my games!  Must! Achieve! 10,000 points!  Fuck, I gotta achieve SOMETHING today!!  Hope your week is going exceedingly well.  Peach out, homies!!

What A Week!

Well I’ve had a productive week.  If you call playing lots & lots of Words With Friends and What’s The Phrase productive.  Then I’ve been productive as HELL!!!  I haven’t heard from Dr. Flaky and frankly I’m getting kind of obsessed about it.  I don’t know what her major malfunction is but I’ve called her a “Fucking Bitch” more than once this week.  I was just so happy for those few days when I had work to do!!  I am really a productive kind of person.  At least, now, I am.  I don’t think I could have done anything like this during the winter.  Well, I could have played my games.  Yes, this week has been spent obsessively checking my email (DAMN YOU, EMAIL!), playing games, reading twitter, reading a few blogs, and playing games.  If I could get paid for playing games or checking Twitter, damn, I’d be in good shape.  Because I’m DEDICATED!!  I will contact Dr. Flaky tomorrow, as it will have been a week since I heard from her tomorrow.  Maybe I’ll get an answer.  Even one I don’t like, but maybe I’ll get an answer.  Maybe my next blog post will just be sobs and a lot of cussing.  I’m not making any promises.  Today we’ll celebrate Mother’s Day.  Already my crazy little sister has cancelled (YAY!) and my Aunt who always starts shit with my Dad has cancelled (Somewhat Yay).  So hopefully it will be a peaceful celebration.  Hope everyone’s week has been as productive as mine!  Peach out!

Work Worries

Well I finished inputting the first five files for Dr. Flaky and asked her if I could come get more files.  She wanted to look at my work and get back to me and at long last, she did.  Unfortunately for me, she had nothing but criticism.  This is missing, that is missing, and I’m like, I can only enter data that is actually in the file!  Said much more nicely than that.  Nothing about how thorough I was, how consistent, how I scanned every single page of the damn file and uploaded it . . . Oh dear, work anxieties, like always, are coming out of the woodwork!  The wish for approval and positive affirmation are overwhelming.  And I’m not getting any of it!  Is this going to be the job for me?  Is she going to want to keep me?  Fear, fear, fear.  And after I invested (probably unwisely) FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS in my beautiful laser printer!!!  I haven’t even made that much back yet!!  I am not the happiest of campers today.  I don’t like having my insecurities brought out.  I like thinking that I’m the greatest worker that ever lived!  What if I’m not up to the job???  Well I guess that will just be more data to tell me the level of my disability.  Which scares me.  Part of me wants to think that I can go back to work at 100% functioning any time I want.  Maybe that’s just not the case.  Maybe I can’t.  I guess time will tell.  I will do my best.

It’s May 1st and in Boulder, Colorado it’s snowing, goddamnit!!  This is NOT how it’s supposed to be on May 1st!!!  It has snowed for the past three days, including today.  I am over it.  Looking forward, the temperatures are supposed to increase and then we’re supposed to have some rain.  I don’t care about rain, as long as we don’t have any more snow.  DAMMIT!  Nothing is going my way.  I hope to have a less pitiful post for you soon.  Hope you all are enjoying a stellar Sunday.  Peaches!

The Job Is A GO!!

Well I haven’t been around much lately.  I’d say that I have nothing to say, but really I have SO MUCH to say.  I’ve been doing lots of projects, which really revs my motor.  Sewing, needlepoint, and some upholstery.  And . . . yes!  Flaky doctor came through with a job!!!!  I started Monday with watching some training videos, and I’m meeting with her today to sign a business agreement and pick up a load of files.  Basically, I’ll be working at home (perfect for me, I hate working with people) entering her paper files into an electronic system.  Some data entry, some scanning of files.  I needed a scanner, so I took the opportunity to buy the printer I always wanted, a color laser printer (with a sheet-feeder scanner).  It prints so beautifully!!!  It was a little pricey but hopefully I’ll make the money back.  Actually, I better make the money back or I’m a total loser!  I feel like posting a picture of the printer, I love it so much.  Ah, geekhood.

So, I’m so excited to start working, on my own, at home.  I’m such a project girl.  It’s like I told the psychiatrist, just set me loose on a pile of work, and I’m good to go!  I will be very happy doing this.  Just turn on the music and plug away.  I hope I don’t do it too fast.  Every time I finish a project I’m so sad.  This doctor is very technically challenged, though, so I think I’ll be providing her some IT Support, too.  We’ll see how it evolves.

Things are working much better in my head now that Spring has sprung, even though we still have some rain and even fucking SNOW is forecast for the weekend.  The extra light is doing wonders for me.  It’s just like a switch is tripped, saying “extra light, I am ok now”.  I still wake up a little depressed, but I don’t feel like I’m constantly on the verge of hospitalization like I did in the winter.  HOLY HALLELUJAH!!  With that, I’ll close and say “Peach out” and hope you’re all doing well!  Let me know!!

P.S. —  I forgot to say, I updated to Windows 10 after much resistance,  because even though I am a former serious IT Geek, I resist change.  And believe it or not, it’s not even killing me!  Thank you, Microsoft!  It’s not all fucked up like Windows 8.  Everything looks almost the same.  I can find my files.  The shortcut keys still work.  I am ok.  You will be too:)

It’s All Good

We are “supposed” to be having an epic snowstorm right now. Fourteen inches was forecast.  Oh, the hype!  Hide yo’ kids!  Lock up your pets!!  Your tree branches are going to break off!!  Don’t drive!!  Stock up on groceries!!  Jesus Christ, it’s like Snowpocalypse was coming.  Instead, what we have are gently falling flakes that melt when they hit the ground.  This is a bullshit storm!  It’s just like what I do in my head!  I create these great big giant stressful scenarios that rev up my motor and make me think that life as I know it is going to end, and then *blip* nothing or close to nothing happens.  THAT’S why it’s good to be in the moment.  I’m preaching to myself here.  Because the present moment is pretty damn good.  I’m home, I’m warm, I’m safe, I have this uber-comfy environment, I can watch tv, read, do a creative project, text someone, tweet, even write a goddamn blog!  It’s all good!  I am thankful for the “all good” times.  I’m fine. It’s fine.  Let the snow fall.  Nobody’s getting hurt.  I’m just going to sit here and say “Thank you”.

My Poor Murdered Bike

My sister ran over my bike. It had fallen over in the garage and she didn’t see it.  “I think I ran over the back tire,” she says.  I go to look at it.  I don’t think the back tire should be curly.  Dammit!  I’m not happy.  But then again, the tires were already flat and the chain was off and jammed.  Already, the bike was a useless fixture in the garage.  How mad can I be?  I’m mad at myself because I hadn’t repaired it before now, and I’m  mad that I didn’t buy the hardware to hang it up when we first moved in here.  Now I went to look at my bike again, and it looks even WORSE!  The seat is all wonky and has smudge marks like maybe that got run over too!  Part of me wants to get really mad at my sister, and part of me wants to get really mad at me.  This is the perfect opportunity to have a ragefest!  Maybe the Abilify is smoothing me out, because I just can’t work myself into a rage.  All I can do is think “I have to take this fucker into the shop and evaluate my options.” Is it fixable?  If so, how much?  Can I afford it?

Although I’m not grateful for two flat tires, a curly wheel, a jammed chain and a wonky seat, I guess I am grateful for an even mood that just says “Deal with it.” This is new!  This is different!  Maybe I’m ready to make my own Abilify commercial!  I don’t know.  This is my Saturday wisdom. Take the good where you can find it. This is my good.  I’m not having a cow.  I’m dealing.  It’s ok.  And now I’m gonna go eat pizza.  Peach out!

That One Time I Tried To Kill Someone

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the time I tried to poison someone. I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was five years old.  There was a girl in our cul-de-sac, her name was Jennifer Joslin.  Jennifer was a bully and was always mean to me.  I didn’t like her and I was afraid of her.  Well I had some little-girl perfume, and I remember my parents’ stern warnings not to DRINK the perfume, as it was POISON!  Hmmmm…. My little mind wondered…poison?  I tried mixing some of my perfume with water, and what a lovely milky color it turned! Problem solved.  The next afternoon when Jennifer was out in the cul-de-sac, I mixed up my little potion of perfume and water in a drinking glass and walked out to Jennifer.  “Hi Jennifer, ya want some milk?” I offered innocently.  Jennifer took a swig and then spat it out angrily.  “What IS this, POISON?” she shouted.  I grabbed the glass and scurried home, certain I was in trouble.  So much for murdering my nemesis.  I was in for a spanking with Dad’s fraternity paddle!

I’m not sure what attempted murder at the age of five says about my character, but that’s honestly the last time I tried to kill someone. I think it’s kinda cute, though, how solution-oriented I was at five years old!  See a problem, solve a problem.  Very linear!  Who knows, if I’d been successful, maybe I would have grown up to be a hit (wo)man!  Oh well, what could have been.  Instead, I went into IT.  Go figure.

Done Playing Mommy And Other Miscellaneous Shit

Dad handkerchiefs

Well my sister has returned and my Playing Mommy has come to an end. Being with the kids, nurturing them, just sitting with them as they went about their free time has been a joy.  What I am truly grateful for is that my mood held up – I didn’t lose my patience with them or get angry as I feared I might.  I was a loving and tolerant Aunt.  Oh how I hope that this is how they remember me when they grow up!  Only time will tell.

Another thing that has brought me great joy lately is the return of my creativity. I have always been a creative person, but I lost the creative spark for about a year and a half to two years.  I attribute this to both depression and Clozaril.  As soon as I went off the Clozaril and switched to Abilify, *poof* the creativity came back.  About fifteen years ago, I embroidered some handkerchiefs for my Dad, which he loved and was very proud of.  For the past few years, I’ve wanted to do it again, but couldn’t quite pull it together.  Finally, last week, I bought some handkerchiefs and embroidery thread and let ‘er rip and it has been so damn fun to do this for Dad’s upcoming 83rd birthday.  Granted, they’re not perfect.  I had to trace the designs from my computer screen onto the handkerchief with a pencil.  But, I still love them and I made them with love (and lots of very anal stitching) and I hope my Dad loves them.  You only see five here, I am working on the final sixth.  I will be so sad when it’s all over!!!  What will I do next???  It has been SO GREAT to have a project!  This just reinforces to me how nurturing the creative process is to my spirit.

If you’ve been reading for a few posts then you know that I had applied for a part-time job with a psychiatrist and wondered if I got the job. I got one call from her which I returned, then never heard back again.  Well, I heard from her over the weekend, apparently she never got my phone message.  Strange!  She does want to work with me (Yay!) but not for a couple of weeks (Boo!).  We’ll see how it all shakes out.  She is not striking me as the most dependable person but hopefully I am wrong about that.

Well, that’s about all the new from the Bipolar On Fire Ranch in Boulder, Colorado. Yee Haw!!  What’s going on in your neck of the woods?