Well, things are moving slow on this end. I got hired by a new doctor to help her with this electronic medical record software conversion, and then she promptly went on vacation (FUCK!). She left me about an hour’s worth of work, which I promptly completed. Meanwhile, Dr. Flaky and I met, and she gave me about three hours’ worth of work (FUCK, FUCK!). This is NOT going to pay the bills. The OTHER psychiatrist I interviewed with who said he wanted help with a software conversion has not gotten back to me. So here I sit, thumb up my butt, panicking about money like nobody’s business. I guess it’s back to the old drawing board for me. Need to find something with substance to keep me busy and pay the bills. Something I can count on.
ALSO, my poor dear Uncle Peppy is in the last stages of life, dying of lung cancer. He is in the hospital, and has been told that he will never return home. I have been so sad and grieving what he and my Aunt are going through. I also have overcome my own hypocrisy and guilt of STILL SMOKING and have quit as of yesterday. I know, it’s just one day, but I really, really, REALLY want to be done with smoking, feeling guilty, being a “secret smoker”, dousing myself with fabric softener solution so I don’t stink, multiple car fresheners, and all my miscellaneous bullshit around smoking. I just want to be done! I also can really feel the dent in my mood due to the grief of my Uncle passing (even though he hasn’t passed yet, the grief has already started).
FINALLY, because I know this post isn’t Debbie Downer-ish enough, I can feel the seasons beginning to change. While on a walk with my crazy Aunt (different Aunt), I saw some trees whose leaves were starting to turn red (God DAMN it!) and I can feel the days shortening. Also, the kids start school next week. I just am NOT ready for summer to end!!! Summer is my easy time for my mood, I just don’t have to work at it. Now I can feel myself beginning to sink. Granted, some of it is grief, but some of it is this. So fuckety-fuck, I have to start getting proactive plans in place to bolster things up. Being Bipolar ain’t for wimps, that’s for sure.
The one constant joy in my life is the honeybirds. I posted a sweet picture from my backyard. Expect to keep seeing them ’till I run out of good pictures. There’s at least five more🙂 Hope you all are holding up better than me . . . Let me know how you are! And eat a peach in my honor, if you will. Peaches, BPOF!
***UPDATE*** I just got an email from my mostly useless lawyer saying that he’s appealing my Disability decision (which was a “No”) to U.S. District Court so it appears that this is not over yet!! I thought that I was fucked when it came to disability but maybe there’s one more chance! Oh Lord please let it be so!!! I was just telling my therapist yesterday that I have no idea how I’ll manage to function once the Winter Doldrums hit me and I’m really scared that I won’t be able to function at all. So please Universe, let the U.S. District Court rule in my favor!!!!! Improbable but maybe there is still hope!