Acceptance is a thin, dry, hard crust of bread that I must somehow strive to swallow with a beaming smile on my face. Today I go back to work after a week off due to Influenza A. My perfect sister tells me to “radiate positive energy for the new year.” My response is that I can radiate positive energy for the next century, but putting lipstick on this pig of a job won’t turn it into Cover Girl, and me into Jennifer Garner, smiling serenely for the camera. I’ll still be Scrappy Sue, and the people at the job will still be shitheads no matter how hard I try to be kind, fair, positive, good, or helpful. The point is that I need to get out of this bad, bad situation. Am I too far gone to find another job? I’m feeling so beaten to death, I don’t know if I can summon the will, the GOODwill, to find another job and the enthusiasm to say “Yes! I WANT this job! I will do a GREAT job for you!”
Acceptance is updating my damn resume anyway, moving forward anyway, acting as if I can do all of these things anyway, whether I believe I can do it or not. Acceptance is taking the damn action, the next right action for me, whether I want to or not, because I want to keep living in this house. Because I want to keep living. Because there’s enough of the “sane” me left that says “keep going”! Oh dear. Better go take a shower. Right now, THAT is my next right action.
Happy New Year.