Shadow Boxing

Oh Lordy.  Hating the job again.  Being made to seem incompetent w/the boss.    Like they say in the AA Big Book, “We step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.”  Motherfuckers are retaliating.  And what have I done?  What do I keep creating over & over & over that I need to get?  What is the message?  I just got it in this very moment.  That FUCK YOU to Dad.  Here it is.  The fucking southern gentlemen.  HOW DARE I be a woman in IT and even act like I am their contemporary?  HOW DARE I speak to them as if I might be right and they, wrong?  HOW DARE I get frustrated with THEM, the Infallible Ma(e)n???

Pema Chodron says (not a direct quote but my interpretation, if I’m way off then fuck me and I apologise) that we will keep recreating the same situation until we get the lesson.  I was like, what’s the lesson?  That I’m bad?  Done.  That I’m incompetent?  No chance.  What the fuck is the message?????

The message is that the fight is with the eternal DAD.  And you’re NEVER gonna conform.  That’s not what you were put on this earth to do!!!!  You will never, ever make it by trying to fit your amoeba-ish shape into a rigid squaare!!!  STOP TRYING!!!!!!!!!  Stop judging yourself for not fitting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amen.

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