Miss Take

IMG_1407Today I am dys- and mis- and all kind of “off” words.  It started with having an argument with my sister – she asked me to do something, I said no, and all kinds of shit ensued.  I got very sad and I guess that is what has stuck with me all day.  I’d like to think that I am more than what I can do for people, or that I am more than what I can give to people.  The truth is that I have chronic low self-esteem, and in feeling less-than, I over-give and over-do and I have created a set of expectations that I am no longer willing to live up to.  I will need to deal with these expectations.  I will also need to be ok with saying no to people – whether it’s because I need to or even just because I want to. I have that right.  These are revolutionary words for me.  The most powerful words are actions, they say, so watch me show myself how much I am worth!

Random confession time:  I gotta say it, then maybe I won’t do it, but I have this obsession about going to Mexico, because I need sun.  Now I’ve gone from needing sun to I’m gonna buy speed (ritalin, phentermine) while I’m there.  See, I hate how I can’t concentrate very well.  Or lose weight.  Now I know for a fucking fact that if I do this I will go into a major manic episode.  Hello?  Hello.  Thank you.  Helps to say it out loud.  Crazy fucking idea.

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