Today I am dys- and mis- and all kind of “off” words. It started with having an argument with my sister – she asked me to do something, I said no, and all kinds of shit ensued. I got very sad and I guess that is what has stuck with me all day. I’d like to think that I am more than what I can do for people, or that I am more than what I can give to people. The truth is that I have chronic low self-esteem, and in feeling less-than, I over-give and over-do and I have created a set of expectations that I am no longer willing to live up to. I will need to deal with these expectations. I will also need to be ok with saying no to people – whether it’s because I need to or even just because I want to. I have that right. These are revolutionary words for me. The most powerful words are actions, they say, so watch me show myself how much I am worth!
Random confession time: I gotta say it, then maybe I won’t do it, but I have this obsession about going to Mexico, because I need sun. Now I’ve gone from needing sun to I’m gonna buy speed (ritalin, phentermine) while I’m there. See, I hate how I can’t concentrate very well. Or lose weight. Now I know for a fucking fact that if I do this I will go into a major manic episode. Hello? Hello. Thank you. Helps to say it out loud. Crazy fucking idea.