How I Achieved My Lifelong Dream of Becoming Bipolar-Part IV


I cashed in all of my saved retirement money and began livin’ the life.  I was still very emotionally scarred from the domestic violence incident and I was isolating with my two Great Danes, Snoop and Beauty, a lot.  I had recently bought a house, which had long been a lifelong dream of mine, and I was landscaping both the front and backyard.  This was a great joy for me.

The front yard was done in a style of xeriscaping, or low-water use plants and trees.  I studied books and magazines on xeriscaping and chose carefully, then made my purchases and went to work.  Being on amphetamines, and absolutely loving what I was doing, I would have a hard time stopping at the end of the day.  Darkness?  What’s that?  I setup some huge halogen work lights so that I could keep going.  I can’t imagine what my neighbors must have thought, as I sat working in my yard, planting feverishly at 11pm.  Whatever!  I was in heaven.

Every day revealed a new opportunity to spend money, whether on the yard, the house, a tool, an art supply, a gift for a friend, or a gift for myself.  When I wanted something, somehow in my brain it translated from a want, to a great need, and I couldn’t get over the obsession for the item until I bought it.  This led to a lot of useless items in my home, such as exercise machines, George Foreman grills, compost tumblers, and more.  My home was a surrogate for the Home Shopping Network.  Hell I even bought a 1966 Ford F250.  Now THAT was a fun purchase.  I claimed it was for my landscaping ventures, but really I always loved driving trucks.  This one was so fun.

I also lived a robust tv life, in that, I had a long tv routine for every day.  I had morning tv shows, afternoon tv shows, evening tv shows, tv movies to watch, and late-night tv.  TV was my friend!  TV kept me company.  TV was all I needed.

Eventually my funds began to dwindle and I began to look for another job.  What I didn’t anticipate and had never experienced before was that the job market for my field (and basically for all fields) at that time was not good and I had a terrible time trying to find anything, any job anywhere.  My house slipped into foreclosure.  I was panicking.  My family, in particular my parents, could see I was slipping.  They tried to reach out to me but I pushed them away angrily.  I was just as angry that I had to go back to work.  My heart was at home, creating, working at my own pace, with my own energy, and doing my own thing.  Unfortunately this wan’t an available choice for me anymore.

I did eventually find a job, and thought I was on my way back up, but within a few months I was fired from it.  My drinking and drug-taking was really affecting my ability to function.

2 thoughts on “How I Achieved My Lifelong Dream of Becoming Bipolar-Part IV

  1. I love your honesty. The whole gardening at night, yea, dig that. I remember gardening at midnight in rainstorms in my slip. My neighbors thought I was MAAAAD, too. I’m hooked on your story…. More, please.

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