My dear uncle who has been ill, definitely has cancer, oh, I hate this! Life can be such a fucking bitch!! I HATE how life marches on sometimes!!! I just want to crawl back into my memories of childhood, all of its’ sweetness, I want to think of this uncle, the Marlboro Man, I want to think of him riding my horse, I want to think of him and my other uncle pouring beer on their fingers and then touching our electric fence, the electric fence we had to erect to keep the horse and the cow in the pasture, because the cow escaped and ate all of the apricots off the tree. I want to go back to childhood where everything was innocent and sweet and fun. I want to stay away from hospitals and wires and needles and shunts and copays and chemotherapy. I want to go back to childhood where there is no mortality and no fear and no pain, where there is just newness and innocence. I want to go back. Can’t I go back?