…And here’s a challenge for me to accept, just like that.
We just had a staff meeting and in it they were talking about switching around people’s duties and responsibilities and sending different duties/responsibilities to different teams. Some of the only tasks that I take solace in (and that I’m good at) that don’t involve working with people (I am extremely burned out on working with people and the people here are not that pleasant to work with) are going to be farmed out to another, more advanced group. Presumably someone on our team will be promoted up to that group to take on those tasks. Now I, having gotten an extremely mediocre, bordering on crap performance evaluation, am certainly not in line to get a promotion up to that position to do those duties. Thinking about not having those tasks to do, and being left with just the shit work as I call it, leaves me feeling a bit bereft. I want to go drink real Coke, eat a bunch of sugar or carbs, or smoke a bunch of pot. In other words, it’s activating my addict. I think after lo these many years, I still am not good at coping with my angst. I know people want to know why I don’t just look for another job, and the answer is that I am so burned out and hating what I do, I don’t think I can work up enough bullshit to act like I’m enthused to even interview for other jobs. Is this just the depression talking? Is this me? Am I fucked? At this moment, yes. Ah well, it’s just a day. I may do every addictive thing I’m moved to do. I may go mad. I may spray the place with bullets. No just kidding. Not a gun owner, me. Not trying to be. Don’t call the FBI on me. I’m just gonna go eat pizza. And accept that my job is crap. And that I have to do it to pay the rent. I need to make myself a new situation. It won’t happen today, but it needs to happen. No silver bullets. No rainbows. No lottery wins. It just comes down to me. Dammit!