Time For Change

I visited with my Mom & Dad on Sunday.  Mom had a lot of questions about my mental illness, and about why I crashed so hard this winter.  She wanted to know what precipitated my crash.  She doesn’t know that I went into the mental hospital, but when I crashed, I went into the hospital for four days.  I could have stayed longer, but my boss had come in from out of town to see me and I felt the need to go to work (stupid decision but I make a lot of those when it comes to my job).  What’s so scary to me is that there really was nothing big that precipitated my crash.  There are a lot of factors that led to it, but nothing big.  I was being bullied and harassed by a manager at work.  The seasons were changing and the switch to Daylight Savings had just begun.  I broke my therapy light.  Still, my inability to cope effectively scares me.  This is why I feel the need to make some big changes in my life.

I know that most of the country does this 9-5 thing, but it REALLY doesn’t work for me.  I need to find a way to support myself that doesn’t involve working in an office, because I REALLY hate it.  Also, dark cold winters don’t work for me.  I need to change the climate I live in, and I need to be able to get out during the days, not be shut up in some building all day, every day.  I feel like such a little rebel to challenge the status quo in these ways.  Can I somehow make life for me, rather than me working for The Man?

13 thoughts on “Time For Change

  1. I’m not sure I’m the right person to comment on this, being somewhat chaotic myself, and someone who tries to change everything all at once and then ends up in a huge state, usually in hospital and often on a Section under the Mental Health Act…. but also being someone who’s great at giving at advice and not great at taking it…. it sounds like you’re trying to change a lot all at once.
    Maybe start by changing one thing at once? You’ve mentioned moving to Florida? Perhaps investigate that, and staying in a similar role until you get settled and then look for something that’s not a 9-5 role that would suit you, so you can sort out feeling like you can get out and about all year?
    Or maybe try the other way round and change your role so you change to a non 9-5 role to suit your Bipolar before you find somewhere you can be out in the warmth all year round?
    Or at the very least look for a different job where you don’t feel intimidated by someone who is clearly a bully (and as such a coward) and making you question your worth and value?
    The first step is to make your decision, and then start putting the steps in place. Easier said than done, I know when you’ve got this damn Bipolar thing on top, but know that you have the thoughts and good wishes of everyone here for you.
    Take good care of yourself

  2. Can I ask you about the light therapy? How long have you been using it, and has it been effective for you? Do you also have SAD? I don’t have SAD but was wondering if it might be something to think about for bipolar depression. Thanks!

    • I have SAD really really bad and the light box makes a HUGE difference. I don’t know if it helps just bipolar depression though. You can get a light (at least 10,000 lux) for pretty cheap any more.

  3. I have been following your blog and I really think its awesome. I have been experiencing more manic moments lately so I think its time to raise my ability as I truly think I’m on a very low dose as it is. But I had a revelation today and I didn’t realize how long my true manic episode last and how they actually affect my family. Anywhoo..great blog was wondering if you had any advice on the best bipolar/depression meds as I am on ability but the doc is taking me off effexor n putting me cymbulta n lamicta(sp). Any ideas would be great..thanks.. My blog is http://nevercryoverspilledmilk.com

    • Thank you so much for liking my blog!!! I don’t have any advice on the medication side, I can tell you that I just started on lamictal but I’m waiting to get to a therapeutic dose. In the meantime the dr put me on oxcarbazepine to stabilize my mood. I DO know that I have been suffering, probably needlessly, because according to this psychiatrist a lot of the traditional antidepressants just make bipolars cycle. I have been on wellbutrin for YEARS. That sucker has been hurting not helping it turns out. As soon as we get to a therapeutic dose with the lamictal it’s byebye wellbutrin. A heck of a long response but I hope that helps 🙂 Thanks for reading.

  4. hey browneyedgirl – I’ve had good results with lamictal myself. I didn’t do well on cymbalta, it just didn’t take away the depression. I know there’s a fear that antidepressants will increase mania, but of course your doc knows best. I’m also on Saphris, an antipsychotic, and that’s pairing nice with lamictal. Here are my experiences, I hope this helps! best of luck. http://kepttheflowers.com/2013/04/10/bipolar-ii-meds-that-are-working-for-me/

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