Life Continues

There’s something about living in the stream of life – it can get pretty busy.  I don’t like being busy!  Yet, I don’t like sitting around the house.  At least, I don’t now.  Something has changed.  A switch has been flipped.  Where before, I was just sitting and thinking about what I could be doing, or should be doing, I am now doing.  What is it?  Is it the magic little pills?  Lamictal?  Oxcarbazapine?  Is it Spring?  Can I save it for Winter?  Or better, what I really want to know, can I control it?  It is such a relief to be back in the participating level of life, I don’t want to move away from it.  Every year, I look back on the Winter, and say “That was the worst winter, ever!”  Well, they can’t ALL be the worst winters, can they?  Is it just a loss of perspective?  Maybe it’s the massive loss of functioning.  And the loss of outdoor life!  I depend on living my life outdoors!  That is why I need to move somewhere where I can live outdoors year-round.  Oh Lordy I need to make that happen!!

This weekend is my mom & dad’s 50th Wedding Anniversary.  Wow talk about rising to an occasion.  I have to summon up a whole lot of functioning to read at their Anniversary Mass, then there’s this great big party, and all six of us kids have to be in a receiving line for the guests and introduce ourselves.  Can I be stoned for this?  I wonder if I’ll forget my name.  It’s a lot for me.  I will have to go minute by minute or I will get totally overwhelmed.  At least this is a long weekend, so I’ll get a break after Saturday to putz in the garden, which is finally planted (!!) including flowers in the pots and drip system functioning.  Now I just wait for things to grow.  And pull weeds

I am curious to hear from others how you manage your high and low functioning times, and how you manage social situations.  I’ve been out of the social scene for so long, I almost forget how to small-talk.  I was never good at it to begin with.  Now I am just plain tongue-tied.  Oh, and it’s already Hump Day!!  Hump On, people!!

Hello, world!

There’s something about feeling better and living in the current of life.  It’s tempting not to write about it.  I just want to be out in life!  But it’s important to write about everything that goes on in the Bipolar cycle, not just the down.  At the moment, the mood is up and it feels great.  I finally feel like I’m living instead of sitting on the couch.  Too much of my life has been spent separated from life.  It feels so great to jump back into the stream.

Today I went to a guitar jam down in Boulder at an Irish bar and it was just so “there” and “Boulder” and YEAH.  Can I describe it better?  Fuck yeah that was a poor description but that’s all I’ve got right now.  It just felt like I was living life in the town where I’m planted, if you know what I mean.  I felt like an inhabitant, instead of a spectator.  The music was just a bunch of guitars, banjo’s, harmonica and a guy with a washboard (!!) and they’d go around in a circle and someone would choose a song and they’d play it and the chooser would sing.  And it was great!!  And everyone, even the audience, would chime in on the singing.  Goddamn it, if that’s not Hometown America, I don’t know what is!!  Wow it just lifted me up.

So I floated on home, took an energizing walk, and here I am.  It feels good to reconnect.  How are you?  Sorry I’ve been AWOL.  It’s this Life thing!  It grabbed me for a second.  Feels good.

Yes. I Fell Off The Edge Of The Earth

Yep, I disappeared!!  This springtime thingie has me all out and about!  Are you feeling better?  ME TOO!!  Are you out living your life more?  ME TOO!!!  It’s amazing how a little delicious sunshine, singing birds, and warm breezes can change the outlook.  So, I’m still alive, and someday I’ll come up with another topic to write about, but right now I’m just out and about, flitting like a butterfly, planting flowers here, kicking dirt clods there, planning & scheming as to what I’ll put in the garden.  WHOA HEY life is good!!!  I hope it’s good for you too!!!  Maybe I’ll even have more dates!!  I am open.  Let’s talk soon, ok?  Keep in touch.  Word to yer Mama!  Peaches!

Let’s Hear it For Moms!

Let’s hear it for the mommies this weekend!  I know I was fortunate enough to have a real mommy-mom who stayed home with us and did all the mom-things like taking us to story hour at the library (do they do that any more?),  making us playdough, letting us experiment in the kitchen, holding our birthday parties and making millions of cakes, and putting dinner on the table, from scratch, every single night for years and years and years.  In fact, she’s STILL doing that!!  And she’s still making the cakes.  She is a darling, sweet and outstanding human being with a core of steel.  I think this country is held together by a network of mommies and their love for their children.  I know it has been my foundation and it has given me my own core from which everything good in me flows.  I am beyond grateful for my mom and all she has given me and even continues to give me!  She is love and wisdom and strength and she is my Mom.  Thank you, Mom!

Yep, Went On A Date

It might seem ridiculous that I’m writing about this but for me it’s a big deal, especially because I have been so stuck at home inside my head.  This depression has turned me into a hardcore introvert!  I’d go so far to say it’s turned me into a depressovert, much worse than an introvert.  It’s something less functional than an introvert.  Maybe I’m starting to come out of it.  I feel like I’m slowly coming out of it and all I can say is YAY!!  So I went on a date with a very nice man.  Fortunately for me he seemed comfortable with doing most of the talking, peppering the conversation with some questions from time to time, which got me to talk too.  And, my therapist gave me some good advice:  when you can’t think of anything to say, just be curious and ask lots of questions!  It makes the other person feel good and it looks like you’re interested.  So, I was curious.

This dude will have to be told, sooner rather than later, that I’d like to go slower than molasses in terms of getting to know each other.  I get the feeling that he will be ok with this.  I think he’s pretty nice.  If he’s not ok with it I’ve got #2 guy to go out with.  Hey!  I’ve got one waiting in the wings.  Yeah!  This is snappy!  This really has been a banner week.  What’s next, I win the lottery?  Get a promotion at work?  Hmmm what other ridiculous things can I suggest….meet Jennifer Garner one of my favorite actresses?  Sell all my shit on etsy?  Fun thoughts….

Well it’s time to go to “work” now.  Not much work going on, they are not giving me any, so I am reading a book at work called “Should I do what I love?”.  Good book.  Have a good day, friends!  Peaches!

Giant Leap

I took a gigantor leap last night and went to a meetup, all by myself, for people new in town.  Whoa-eee was I nervous!!  Well thank Jeezee there were other nervous people there and they were super-nice!!!  Yeah!  I need to establish a circle of friends.  Right now I just have a very small amoeba and it’s just not cutting it.  You know how it is in a new town!  I want it to be commonplace that I go somewhere in Boulder and I run into someone I know.  Right now that’s a rarity.  That’s not really the point of it all but it’s part of me feeling like I really live here and belong here.

Super-extra-bonus:  Two of the men asked me out!  Yeah!  I have  been SO “out of the game” and these were both nice men and I’d like to go out with both of them!  Way to ease back in, Bpof!  Oh yeahhhhh.

All right, outta sight, off to start the day.  Peach out, homies!

Oh Goodie, Therapy!

Well I had therapy  today.  I’ve been seeing this therapist since the beginning of December.  I’m thinking it’s about damn time I stopped crying.  That’s what I think.  It’s not what I do.  I pretty much walk in there, sit down, and start crying.  She doesn’t even get to say “How are you?”.  Sorry Dr. Awesome.

Today’s tears came courtesy of some shitty-ass quiz I took online called “Are you bipolar?” and it asked all sorts of questions like “Do you have mystical experiences” and “Do you find yourself singing?” and “Do you see synchronicities?”, all kinds of shit like that.  Basically, things that I really treasure in myself and in life, this quiz was chalking it all up to the disease of bipolar.  It really kind of devastated me!  Well I talked it over with Dr. Awesome and she called major bullshit on that fucking quiz.  THAT made me feel better!

I’ve really had a lot of shit rattling around in my head, like, am I delusional when it comes to money?  I want to believe that something will happen that will relieve me of the need to work.  I just can’t stomach the idea of doing the same shit for another twenty years!  So, I make up stories in my head about how my circumstances might dramatically change.  Dr. Awesome says that she thinks a lot of people do this, and that my circumstances might in fact actually improve, so this isn’t a total load of crap.  I don’t know.  The truth is in there somewhere!

I forgot to talk about my newly minted stress-surfing theory, oh well.  Dang!  I wish I could hire Dr. Awesome just to have some interesting conversations with.  I like to analyze the fuck out of everything.  She could help.

Well that’s about all the news that’s not fit to print, I guess I will wrap up the Bipolar On Fire news hour with a firm PEACH OUT and WORD TO YER MAMA!

Nominated . . . moi?

liebster-award-e1366505987305

Now just how in the hell could it be that this sorry excuse for a blog could be nominated for an award?  Huh?  Can you tell me??  I didn’t think so.  Well I can’t tell you either!  Some VERY generous person (http://writingforfoodinindy.wordpress.com/2013/05/05/the-liebster-lives-on/) has nominated this blog for the Liebster award, but it’s for up-and-coming bloggers with less than 200 followers (I have more but don’t tell anyone) and I am humbled.  BUT!  Not too humbled to blather on for awhile!  Apparently I’m supposed to write eleven (11!) facts about myself.  Well, that’s a lot.  Let’s see . . .

1.  I am at this moment sucking on a Dazee.  No that’s not a fancy word for a male appendage, it’s a marijuana candy, you lech!

2.  I am wearing a t-shirt (you always ask me what I’m wearing!) with the self-portrait of my niece.  It’s awe-inspiring.

3.  I am working on several pieces of outstanding jewelry that you will soon be invited to purchase at my etsy store.  Exciting, exciting.

4.  I have sparkly blue fingernails.  I love fancy fingernails and toenails.  That and lipgloss.  Three for the price of one on #4!!

5.  I am seriously in love with photography, especially photographing little things, like bugs.  I know!!  They’re so cool.

6.  I am the third of six children.  BIG Catholic family.  I call myself a recovering Catholic.  I used to say Catholic Lite, half the guilt and shame.  But now I totally disavow the Catholic church and all of its teachings.  Which leaves me conflicted because my Mom and Dad are having this big 50th wedding anniversary and you KNOW they’re having a damn mass and guess who is doing a damn reading?  THIS big fat hypocrite.

7.  I looooooove me some purple.  Purple, purple purple.  I love purple.  I love grape koolaid.  I love purple nail polish.  If I could drive a purple car, I would.  If I could wear purple contact lenses, I would.  If there was a purple skin tan, I’d do it.

8.  I am a Spring/Summer girl.  I could do entirely without Fall and Winter.  In fact, I’m trying to figure out a way to do just that, by moving to Florida.  I’m trying to figure out if I can live without my family.  I am quite attached to them though.  Such a quandary!  DAMN it!

9.  I live in Boulder, Colorado.  If you’re gonna live in Colorado, Boulder is the hippest spot in the joint.  It’s pretty good.  Full of bicyclists.  I run over at least one per day.  Those fuckers think they OWN the road!

10.  I have a ragin- cajun daddy and a french canadian mommy.  That accounts for a lot of my crazy.  It also accounts for the fact that je parle francais!  Oui!  Merci pour les drugs!  That is what I say to Dr. Drugs.

11.  I started my blog because I always wanted to write.  Not sure if I ever will or even if I can but my little burps and farts of words on the screen are awfully fun and your responses are even funner!  Thanks for the love!

Answers to 11 questions:

1) Why do you blog?

See #11

2) Are you paper published?

What’s that?  Uh…no.

3) Why does the Easter Bunny deliver chocolate eggs and is the chocolate hen ok with that?

The Easter Bunny is a straight-up mind-fucker and is also in a union-busting fight with the chickens and so refuses to carry their products.

4) Are you comfortable working to a genre?

Not really.  My genre is whatever I want it to be.  Really, this is a blog about being bipolar, which gives me license to go all over the damn place.

5) Skirt or trousers?

Oh don’t you try to put me in a box like that.  HELL NAH!!!  I wear whatever the fuck moves me.  Today it’s a pretty, girly dress, tomorrow, sweatpants.  I’m BIPOLAR!!!!!  I am all over the place.  And that is ok.  I’m ok, you’re ok.  And that’s ok.  OK?  You better say ok.  That’s all I’m saying.  Ok?

(6) Favourite children’s book?

Good Horsekeeping!  Oh I loved horses so much growing up.  This was the best book ever for a girl growing up dreaming of having a horse.

7) First record bought?

Ben by Michael Jackson.  I remember kissing the album cover.  OOH I LOVED HIM!!!

8) Tony the Tiger or The Milky Bar Kid to win a Rap battle and why?

Who the FUCK is the Milky Bar Kid???

9) Place where your soul is forever kept?

My soul is stuck out in the ocean.  I need to go visit it.

10) Ever seen a ghost?

No!  But some ghostly fucker threw a pebble at me in St. Augustine, Florida during a ghost tour of a cemetery.  I yelled at him and called him a “sucker”.  Why I held back on the language I’ll never know.  I must have been scared.

11) which super power would you like?

I would like to do like Superman and erase the world or make time go backwards.  Oh there’s so many times where I wish I could make time go backwards and erase something I’ve done.  Sound familiar?

Oh there’s another set of 11 questions but it’s just too damn much, I need to call it a night.  Forget about giving me the award.  I give up!!!  Writing all this shit is its own reward!  Award!  Whatever!   Peace out!  Peaches!  To your homies!!!!

Bipolar Auntie

I had the great pleasure of having my eleven year old nephew over to spend the night.  My poor sister, his mother, took my niece to a sleepover with the Brownies at the Zoo!  Bunk with the Beast, I guess it’s called.  They were to sleep in a Zoo classroom.  It didn’t sound fun.  But!  That’s what left me with my precious nephew overnight.  Eleven is such a fun age.  They’re still pretty innocent but they’re getting smart and they’re fun to talk to.  My nephew, I’ll call him Redfin (because I like to make up pretendey names for everyone in my family, Redfin is the son of Snickerdoodle) is more innocent than most.

I live across the way from a fun park that has batting cages, go-karts and miniature golf, you know, fun stuff like that.  I took Redfin’s sister there about a month ago and figured that Redfin would be all hot under the collar to go ride the go-karts there.  Well, no.  Sweet little Redfin brought his jar of fancy rocks.  He thought that maybe we could make some jewelry out of them?  So up the stairs we went to my studio and I pulled out my sterling silver molding wire, which worked quite well for wrapping around rocks!  Well Redfin got down to work wrapping wire around his rocks, you should have seen him with those tools!!  It was like he was taking after me, just a little, with his jewelry sense and dexterity with the tools.  I was the proud aunt just sitting there, watching and talking with the dear boy.  I gave him some elastic string to turn his creations into necklaces.  He even turned a special purple rock into a necklace for Aunt Bipolaronfire!!!  Ah I was touched.

Later on we went to his favorite restaurant for dinner, the gourmet bistro Wendy’s.  Damn girl they have good salads!!!  Redfin likes to go through the drive through and eat his on the way home.  Fine with me!  The sound of his lips smacking as he ate his meal was just heaven to my ears.

In the morning Redfin wanted to play video games so we hooked up this little joystick doohickie to my tv that has old-timey games in it like Galaga, Mappy and Ms. PacMan.  I tell you, we had that noise turned up!  Just the mere presence of this boy and all that he did made me happy.  I just soaked up his presence in my home and it made me happy.  When it was time to take him home I was reluctant to do so, but I am happy to say I had a wonderful dose of nephew and I feel like a new and renewed person.  I don’t know what it is about the little ones, but they just make me happy.  I’m sad not to have had my own, but happy to be able to enjoy my nieces and nephews, and I’ll just be grateful for my time with them.

Now it’s time to start planning my garden, more like way past time.  I got out and pulled the weeds yesterday, and now it’s time to get planting.  A new cycle of life is on its way.  A time of year that’s all about life and renewal and I’m ready for the same kind of renewal in my life too.  Maybe life will imitate garden.  One can only hope!

Commercials

We have this yearly meeting at work.  Our home office is in North Carolina.  We are like a satellite office.  One of the things we do for this big yearly meeting is we do these “commercials” for all the offices – just something funny, meant to entertain mostly.  Well, our site head has come up with the idea that we’ll do a commercial where we’re all STONED and have the munchies!!!  Oh my GOD I didn’t bother saying that I can play it perfectly!!  My idea is that we should start every sentence in the commercial with “Dude!”  Everyone is so excited and wants to go shopping for tie-dyed t-shirts at the head shop this morning.  Hopefully no one at the head shop recognizes me and asks how I am enjoying my new bong (it’s ok, I still cough when I smoke, so I am sticking with edibles).  I am going to film it with my fancy-dancy camera.  Should be a funner than normal day.  Yay!

Update on Surfing the Stress

Well last night’s realization on how I was surfing my stress was quite an eye-opener and naming it actually served to propel me.  I had been worrying for over a month, maybe longer about my vacation (actually let’s be honest I have TWO trips that I have planned and paid for this summer that I didn’t know if I’d be able to take).  I bit the bullet and put in for the time today.  Then I had my regular bi-weekly skype meeting with my boss this afternoon and I just brought up the whole mess.  I really had to face some fear because I was so afraid that I’d be told I couldn’t take the time off, and I knew I’d be facing some pretty negative feelings on the job, were that to happen.  Well, none of that happened!  The boss just said that I could take the time off, unpaid, if I had no vacation time.  Well!  What a great weight has lifted off me.

Secondly, I placed a call to the accountant regarding my outstanding tax returns.  This is a stressor I’ve been surfing for over a year and the time has come to put an end to it!  I hope to have the taxes filed by next week.

As I expected, I did have a bit of a mood crash when I got home.  I felt a bit lost and sad, for no specific reason, and I just let myself cry.  There, there.  Now I feel like I have rebounded and can go on to my daily exercise.  I am just so gol-durn excited at this breakthrough I just had to report back!  BPOF, over and out!  Go to the country!!  Eat some peaches!!!

The Abundant Om

Good morning and om!  I am doing a 21-day meditation here, in case you’re interested, it is called 21-Day Mantra Meditation Journey with Deva Premal and Miten.  I love to do these 21-day meditations because they’re such a good shot in the arm.  Then I heard on NPR last night that meditating can actually enhance frontal lobe activity and for someone with ADD tendencies or just plain ADD, anything that can increase my frontal lobe stimulation is a WIN!  When I used to be sober and a member of AA I was a pretty steady daily meditater and I’m wondering if that’s part of why my life used to look better than it does now.  Some of you may be experiencing a big DUH on that last sentence, like, DUH maybe you should just be sober again, and maybe I will be someday, but not today.  Still, I will go for the meditation.  This one includes chanting, which I like, because it occupies me, rather than sitting passively trying to clear my mind.  The flapping of the mouth serves to clear the mind for me better than sitting quietly.  Today’s meditation was on abundance.  After yesterday’s abundance of devil dust, today we are seeing blue skies, yeahhhh boy!  Hope everyone enjoys an abundant day, in the best way.

Devil Dust Status and Creative Clonks

The Devil Dust continues to fall.  At this rate, we might see Spring by the beginning of Summer.  I mean, gol dang!  This is ridonculous.

I am in a creative clonk.  The gears are grinding.  It’s because I’m trying to come up with something to sell on etsy and I want it to be unique.  This is going to be the end of me if all of my creativity revolves around etsy and what I can sell.  I am so invested right now in getting out of my corporate job and I have my hopes pinned on etsy, having no idea if it’s even a viable idea.  I need to get my etsy show on the road so I can see what it can do, if anything.  I am working on creating stock for the store right now.

I am surfing on a little bit of stress:  I haven’t yet requested time off for a family vacation on the first of June, because I know I won’t have the vacation time for it, but I’ve already paid for the vacation and am very highly invested in going on the vacation, as is the rest of the family.  It is a visit to the family’s ancestral home roots in New Orleans and Lafayette, Louisiana.

I am also surfing on top of the stress of the fact that I haven’t filed my taxes, for the second year in a row.

I think that surfing stress is an avoidance behavior that is characteristic of ADD, but it is also a behavior I associate with not having enough positives on my horizon.  I don’t have positive things to look forward to, so I put these things in that spot where the positives would go in that forward vision.  Take those out of the forward vision, what goes there?  A big giant crash.

Wow, big insights as I write this.  I don’t know if it will help anyone else or if I just sound like I’m ranting but to me there is some value to actually speaking, or writing, these words down and making them real and acknowledging them in front of others.  I am a bit overwhelmed by what I’ve just discovered here, I think I’ll go take a bath.  Bipolar on Fire over and out!  Peaches to yer Papa!!