I don’t know if the increased Lamotrigine is helping me step out or if I’m just sick & tired of being sick & tired, but I had the first good weekend in a long time. I texted my sister-in-law and asked her if I could come up and visit her, my brother and their two kids and she said sure, fine so I went and I enjoyed every second. I had to get over an enormous resistance hurdle, mind you, (or the urge to inertia, if that makes any sense) but I kept telling myself “You’re going and that’s final!” and I’m so damn glad I went. I just enjoyed every damn second!! I love my niece and nephew to distraction and at 5 (nephew) and 7 (niece) they are so cute and fun, it was just a joy. There was no time for me to ruminate and sulk in my downtrodden juices of despair. It was just great. I also had great visits with my brother and his wife. I am so grateful to them for their open hearts and home.
On the way home I stopped by my parents’ house and had a nice visit there too. Since I came home it’s been pretty good, doing some putzing around and taking a good walk. Now I am savoring the effects of a magical brownie and enjoying a cool evening that whispers promises of rain, we’ll see if the evening is just teasing or if it comes to fruition but the cool is lovely in the middle of a hot summer. Oh. Did I mention that I love summer? I so do.
Someone wrote a comment on my blog (Rose maybe?) about doing the exact opposite of what you want to do when you’re in the doldrums, the idea being to force yourself to do what’s good for you even if you don’t feel like it, and I have to say, that helped me a lot. This is how this weekend came about and this is how these blogs work in such a supportive way. So, thank you!
Over and out, peaches to yer Mama, Bipolar on Fire say HEY! Keep the faith and as they say in the 12-Step Programs, KEEP COMING BACK!!
I have a confession to make. Two days ago when I called Dr. Drugs and asked him if I could go up 50 mg on the Lamotrigine, I went ahead and went up on the Lamotrigine. I know, people, it’s called DESPERATION! Well he called back today and said that that was fine. Two doses later, and I’m actually feeling a bit better! I’m not sewing or making jewelry, but I’m less blah! Yes! I’ll take it! Any improvement is an improvement. Also, yesterday during my nothing-to-do workday, I watched The Secret and that’s kind of like a shot in the arm. It didn’t make me feel like I could conquer the world but I think it squelched some of my negative thinking. I think when I’m in a funk it’s really hard to overcome the negative thoughts.
Also, I am really appreciating the hot weather we are having. I love summer! Love! Let me sweat!! Open up those car windows and let the hot air blow in! I have my short hair in a ghetto ponytail that looks like a goonytail and I don’t care! Wave your hair like you just don’t care! Yeah that’s me. I had to get the hair outta my face. It’s the little things that give me pleasure right now.
To my next hurdle: Renewing my red card. This is the magical little card that allows me to walk into a store and buy mary-juana. I walked in today and realized that it expired on June 8th! Denied! Oh Jesus Mary and Joseph (all three) this could be a crisis but I just came home and ate a frozen brownie. I made some shitty-ass brownies that weren’t up to snuff so I froze them. I am so glad I froze them now. Foresight. Sometimes I have a little bit of it.
Well I also decided today that I am gonna stop stressing about being fat. I’m going to eat what I want (within reason and this is NOT a license to binge) and I’m going to exercise but I’m not going to be on this constant pressure cooker to lose weight, because I’m driving myself CRAZY!!! Somehow I think that I only deserve love at a certain weight and I need to re-write that. I see people at all kinds of weights and shapes who have love in their lives and I need to allow myself to have that too. So I am re-thinking some of my old, shitty thinking patterns that do not serve me.
Well dear diary excuse me blog I am going to walk. And then pick strawberries. I have a veritable SHITLOAD of strawberries, wish you were here to pick some too. They are OSS!! OSS is short for awesome, add it to your BPOF vocab. Amen and thank you.
Well I looked on my calendar and I don’t see Dr. Drugs for two more Fridays. I just feel so out of sorts and so bored with life and something different and worse – such a total lack of interest in life. Is this depression? There’s not a chance that mood stabilizers just stabilize you into nothingness is there? I just don’t know. I am in such a state of funk – and fear of not coming out of it – that I left Dr. Drugs a voicemail because I feel like I can’t keep going like this. I’m thinking severe disinterest in life is probably depression but it’s so different from how I usually feel – I’m usually just down, like a bad blues song. I’m usually over-identifying with every sad country song you ever heard. Not just deeply, deeply uninterested in anything, including music. And reading. And art. I’m feeling afraid that I’m going to get to the point that I won’t be able to force myself to keep to the status quo: Get up, go to work, feed myself, shower, exercise, pay bills. The necessities. I’m afraid I’ll just give up and stop. So, I left Dr. Drugs a message and asked him if I could go up on my Lamotrigine by 50 mg. I’m only on 150 mg now and from what I understand, that’s not even a therapeutic dose. I feel like this process has been dragging on too long and I need to get to something good, STAT!! I can’t stand the blah’s any longer. I feel like I might be self-destructing by apathy.
I’d really appreciate hearing other’s experiences with mood stabilizers and whether I’m over-mood-stabilized (I’m on Topamax and Oxcarbazepine too) or if I just sound depressed. Don’t forget! Every opinion counts!! You’re all doctors to me! 🙂
To say good Saturday evening.
When do I see Dr. Drugs again? I think I’m still depressed. Yesterday I was thinking about the inevitability of suicide. Not good! I was thinking I need to try to hold out until my parents have passed. Oh lordy me. I have Dr. Awesome today, I will have to talk to her about this. I just am still in my shell and don’t want to come out. In one way I want to get out and get more friends, and date, and in another way, I want to stay right here. What a conundrum. Is that the correct use of the word? I think so. Look, I don’t even feel like I’m in a particularly bad place, but this is what I’ve been thinking. Maybe I just have too much time alone to think. Ok gotta get to work, y’all have a good day. Peaches!
I am home from trip #2 which was the stupidest trip EVER because I was SICK the whole time!! It seems like I just told one of my sister-in-laws that I needed to examine my people-pleasing because it really wasn’t serving me and then ka-foom I go and do it again!!! I’m scared of pissing someone off by cancelling this trip, so I go. WRONG answer!! I should have done what was right for ME and stayed home. Instead I was the world’s biggest dipshit at the big picnic, laying around in the hammock, falling asleep, coughing, in general a big fat drag of a person. I tell you what. I felt shittier than shit. I have learned my lesson!! I will listen to myself!!!
I had an awful lot of fun observing people at the airport and I have come to the conclusion that Americans are big fat slobs. You wouldn’t believe what they were wearing!! To travel in!!! I wouldn’t leave the house in this shit!!! Sweats, pulled up to the knees. No. This is not the look. Faded basketball shorts. On a chunky woman. With those toeless Adidas sandals. This is not a look!!! Coochie cutters on ANYONE over forty is just not cool, ok? Get over it ladies, you can’t pull it off. I should have taken pictures but I had a damn medicine-head and wasn’t thinking.
I am still sick, but working today. From home, yesssss. Not sure how long this arrangement will last but it pretty much rocks the house, y’all. Get me outta that crypt!!!
Well the mood is up and down, I forgot the Trileptal on the short trip so I was out of it for a couple of days and I got suicidal on the flight home (boo) but I knew it was because I was off that medicine (yay) and I quickly remedied it. I still feel like I have no direction in life but my horoscope says things are supposed to turn way up. Let’s just see it it’s all bullshit or not, shall we? I will report back. Peaches and Pears, BPOF
Well my Dad had a chance to show us everything he wanted us to see in New Orleans and Lafayette, Louisiana. I think I can safely say that we laughed, we cried and we ate. Yes all three. I’m not going to tell you about the “we cried” because it’s wayyyyy too tender and it has to do with Dad. Suffice to say that it’s HELL watching your parents get old and frail and I’ve done my share of grieving over this trip. More than my share. As far as laughed, all these little kids I call “nieces” and “nephews” were a kick and a half, so cute and at times so BAD and I loved it all. And we ate the house down, let me tell you. Cajun, Cajun Cajun. It was a glory to behold. I need to get back on my exercise program STAT. Except there’s little thing called a GODDAMN TRIP TO NORTH CAROLINA that I have to go on today for work, very unhappy girl here!!!! I just want to stay home and be home. But I am back, off to the airport in a couple of hours, just time to do my laundry and go off again. Fuck!! Why did I agree to this trip? I have really turned into a fucking People Pleaser over the last few years and I need to examine that because it’s pissing me the hell off.
On that note, I guess I will say Hello! Goodbye! Bipolaronfire over and out! Peaches!
Hello from the far reaches of the universe aka Boulder, Colorado. I know I have been suspiciously silent. I don’t have a good explanation. No one cut my fingers off. I don’t have a head injury. My laptop was not stolen. I just seem to have lost the gift of gab! Holy shit yes! Me, the blabbermouth!!
Well I had a wonderful visit from my friend Krispetykrunchety from Florida. That is her REAL name. She is a wonderful friend and I love her and it felt like home to have her around. We just sat and talked (and drank, and ate dazees, the best marijuana candy in the universe!) and ate! It was super-good to catch up with her and I miss her already.
I have also been exercising my pudgy ass off for months, about three months, and finally at last I am seeing some progress and weight loss! It takes FOREVER for my body to kick in and notice that I have been torturing it. Now it is finally responding by letting go of some of its fat and by reshaping a bit. I am THIS CLOSE to fitting in to my jeans and it makes me want to jump up and down. Vereeeeeee motivatinggggggggg people!!! Yessss it’s about time body!! I almost gave up.
Tomorrow I am off to New Orleans with the whole damn family for a trip to our roots. Our great-great Grandfather was the Governor of Louisiana and a secessionist and a Civil War General and all kinds of shit that my Dad is very into and very proud of. He wanted to take all of us kids to show us our ROOTS and where we come from. It’s sort of his late-in-life wish and we are honoring it. I think it will be hectic but fun.
So I promise I will write when I get back with a trip report! Maybe even on the trip if I can borrow a laptop! Who knows, maybe my nerdy brother Tinkle will bring his laptop. He probably will. Hope all is well with you. See you soon! Bipolaronfire is OUT!