Well I looked on my calendar and I don’t see Dr. Drugs for two more Fridays. I just feel so out of sorts and so bored with life and something different and worse – such a total lack of interest in life. Is this depression? There’s not a chance that mood stabilizers just stabilize you into nothingness is there? I just don’t know. I am in such a state of funk – and fear of not coming out of it – that I left Dr. Drugs a voicemail because I feel like I can’t keep going like this. I’m thinking severe disinterest in life is probably depression but it’s so different from how I usually feel – I’m usually just down, like a bad blues song. I’m usually over-identifying with every sad country song you ever heard. Not just deeply, deeply uninterested in anything, including music. And reading. And art. I’m feeling afraid that I’m going to get to the point that I won’t be able to force myself to keep to the status quo: Get up, go to work, feed myself, shower, exercise, pay bills. The necessities. I’m afraid I’ll just give up and stop. So, I left Dr. Drugs a message and asked him if I could go up on my Lamotrigine by 50 mg. I’m only on 150 mg now and from what I understand, that’s not even a therapeutic dose. I feel like this process has been dragging on too long and I need to get to something good, STAT!! I can’t stand the blah’s any longer. I feel like I might be self-destructing by apathy.
I’d really appreciate hearing other’s experiences with mood stabilizers and whether I’m over-mood-stabilized (I’m on Topamax and Oxcarbazepine too) or if I just sound depressed. Don’t forget! Every opinion counts!! You’re all doctors to me! 🙂