Signs of Life

I have a confession to make.  Two days ago when I called Dr. Drugs and asked him if I could go up 50 mg on the Lamotrigine, I went ahead and went up on the Lamotrigine.  I know, people, it’s called DESPERATION!  Well he called back today and said that that was fine.  Two doses later, and I’m actually feeling a bit better!  I’m not sewing or making jewelry, but I’m less blah!  Yes!  I’ll take it!  Any improvement is an improvement.  Also, yesterday during my nothing-to-do workday, I watched The Secret and that’s kind of like a shot in the arm.  It didn’t make me feel like I could conquer the world but I think it squelched some of my negative thinking.  I think when I’m in a funk it’s really hard to overcome the negative thoughts.

Also, I am really appreciating the hot weather we are having.  I love summer!  Love!  Let me sweat!!  Open up those car windows and let the hot air blow in!  I have my short hair in a ghetto ponytail that looks like a goonytail and I don’t care!  Wave your hair like you just don’t care!  Yeah that’s me.  I had to get the hair outta my face.  It’s the little things that give me pleasure right now.

To my next hurdle:  Renewing my red card.  This is the magical little card that allows me to walk into a store and buy mary-juana.  I walked in today and realized that it expired on June 8th!  Denied!  Oh Jesus Mary and Joseph (all three) this could be a crisis but I just came home and ate a frozen brownie.  I made some shitty-ass brownies that weren’t up to snuff so I froze them.  I am so glad I froze them now.  Foresight.  Sometimes I have a little bit of it.

Well I also decided today that I am gonna stop stressing about being fat.  I’m going to eat what I want (within reason and this is NOT a license to binge) and I’m going to exercise but I’m not going to be on this constant pressure cooker to lose weight, because I’m driving myself CRAZY!!!  Somehow I think that I only deserve love at a certain weight and I need to re-write that.  I see people at all kinds of weights and shapes who have love in their lives and I need to allow myself to have that too.  So I am re-thinking some of my old, shitty thinking patterns that do not serve me.

Well dear diary excuse me blog I am going to walk.  And then pick strawberries.  I have a veritable SHITLOAD of strawberries, wish you were here to pick some too.  They are OSS!!  OSS is short for awesome, add it to your BPOF vocab.  Amen and thank you.

10 thoughts on “Signs of Life

  1. It’s all about the little things, I love driving in my car with the wind in my face when there’s a blue sky, something feels liberating about it. And hell, so long as you get some exercise and don’t binge, be happy with who you are! It’s inside that’s important 🙂

    • That’s what I’M thinkin’ Sister!! Be healthy. And I think I will drive with the wind in my hair right now! To the library! To return a book!! My live is so riveting!!!!!

  2. I have problems thinking I only deserve love at a certain weight too. My fiance says he likes to “dress me up like a doll,” wearing fancy dresses and clothes he buys for me. He panics if I start to gain weight. I feel trapped. But I know God loves me no matter what weight I’m at.

      • Yes, I’ve felt pretty crazy at times and it has caused me to purge when I’ve felt panicked about how much I’ve eaten. I broke up with him last night. He doesn’t believe I really will stay broken up, though, since I’ve come back to him a number of times.

      • I’m sorry the relationship had had that kind of destructive effect on your body and psyche. I am envisioning better things for you, luv.

        Sent from my iPhone

  3. So glad you are on an upswing my dear. I miss your wild ways, though, I haven’t been too full of zeal myself as of late. The past few days have rocked though, and I find I am having more energy and drive to take care of all the mundane things I let slide when I’m funking (dishes, clothes, etc…) To the top of the Bipolar Mountain! Let’s climb….

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