Embracing Change

Tomorrow the moving truck will roll up and all of my worldly possessions will be packed up and moved from Point A to Point B.  I am really, really sad.  I love this place where I live!!  It has been such a gift.  I called it the Cathedral of Light.  I am so incredibly light-dependent, and this place is absolutely full of light.  It’s an outstanding little house and it’s been great for me.  After two years here my landlord decided he wanted to move his mother in.  It’s been really hard for me to accept.  I found another place, but it really does not compare.  I’m grateful that I signed a lease before the Boulder floods though, because since the floods, everyone and their grandma is looking for a place to live, and I would have really been screwed.

The challenge for me is to just roll with the punches.  I’m not a victim here!  I had two good years in this house.  I need to accept the fact that life is full of change.  I am moving on.  Let’s see what the next chapter holds.  I am letting go of this house.  It’s tough.  I will be sad now, but then I’ll be done.  I’ll make the next place a palace too.  I am embracing the change.

What A Difference A Little Estrogen Can Make

Well I think it’s safe to say that Hormone Replacement Therapy is saving my life.  I was really on the knife’s edge there for a couple of months and I was planning on doing ECT after I finishing moving houses at the end of this month, and as a last-ditch effort I went to the doctor and got on these hormones.  What a difference!!!  I am a new person.  I’m back to my old self!!  New, old, you get what I mean!  I’m functioning!  No more dread when I wake up in the morning.  No suicidal thoughts or ideations.  No wishing the other cars would crash into me on the road.  No crying jags.  It’s a revelation!!!!  I have energy and I’m able to go-go-go (not in a manic way but I am able to work on this move in a functional way).  I am so grateful to my sister, who found the doctor and pushed me to make the appointment right away.

I just can’t believe that HORMONES pushed me to the edge like this.  Well in a way I can, because before menopause I used to have PMS that would make me suicidal about every other month.  This is some really extraordinary shit.  I wonder if doctors are studying the effect of hormones on mental health?  I mean REALLY?  Because I *almost* went there!  Oh Lordy Jeezy I am just glad to be back.  Thank you to so many supportive people!  Peach out homies!

The Sun Has Come Out

Well the rain has stopped.  Now all I hear are big helicopters going by.  I have to say, this has been an interesting week.  In addition to non-stop rain, and non-stop news coverage of said rain and consequent flooding, I’ve got my own news to share.  I think I might be coming out of Le Grand Funk!!!  I was having daily crying spells and feelings of wanting to hurt myself for weeks, but I haven’t had an episode since two weekends ago!!!  This is a great relief.  I think the thing that may have made the crucial difference is that I started hormone replacement therapy.  I went through very early menopause and it seems like ever since then, my Bipolar has been hard to control, so I went to a HRT specialist about a week and a half ago and she agreed to to start me on hormones.  She said it’d take a couple of weeks to feel a difference, but after a week I feel markedly different.  All I can say is THANK GOD!!!  I have been on the edge for a couple of months, but now I feel like I’m getting my head above water.  I don’t wake up with such a feeling of dread.  I have more energy and I want to DO things!!!  I feel like a human being again.  I still don’t know if I’ll do ECT or not, since I really do slip down under the waves during Fall and Winter, but for right now I’m OK, and OK is pretty fuckin’ slammin’ when I’ve been in a shitstorm for months.  I am grateful like you wouldn’t believe.

Also, I did find a place to live!!  It’s not the palace that this place is but it’s nice and I think it will be a good home for me.  I get the keys this Friday and I will start moving some boxes this weekend, and hire movers for everything else next weekend.  Then it’s clean clean clean the holy HELL out of this place and hope to get my gigantor deposit back, because I cleaned out my savings on the new place and I need that money back, sucka!  Thank GOD for the energy I have now.  Thank you thank you thank you.  I wouldn’t be able to go through this without it.  This has been the most methodical and well thought-out move I have ever done.  I’ve taken about six weeks to purge and pack and I’m really not taking any crap with me!  This is a first for me.  Somehow at 47 years of age I have turned over a new leaf (I didn’t think that was possible) and it feels good.  I’ve always dragged crap from house to house, unopened boxes from place to place, things that I couldn’t face that somehow had some kind of hold on me.  Well I faced all the demons in the boxes.  I know this will only make sense to some of you.  Somehow I bestow a lot of emotional power on “things” and then I can’t face those things.  Well I went through, box by box, over the past few months, and there’s nothing unopened, or un-gone through now.  It’s all gone!  I’m all current in my life.  No old baggage.  Wow.  I feel like a new person.  New person, new home, lots less crap, which means it can all be put away in its proper place!  No unnamed monsters hanging out waiting for me.  Feels fantastico!!!  I’m ready to get on to the next chapter in my life and curious to see what it holds.  As I write I can’t believe how much has changed in a few weeks.  All I can say is I’m glad I didn’t give up, because I was very, very, VERY close.  When I was in that dark place I couldn’t imagine for a second that the sun would come back out and shine in my brain, that the lightness would come back.  I guess that’s the point.  You can’t see it when you’re there.  That’s the darkness.  The only thing that got me through was thinking that I didn’t want to sentence my family to this darkness by killing myself.  That is absolutely the only thing that kept me from doing it.

And now, in Boulder Colorado, there is a beautiful blue sky and the sun is shining, the birds are singing and I’m looking at the beautiful community garden full of flowers and growing things.  I’m going to enjoy my last few days here and look forward to what my new home will have to offer.  Life is good.  Peace!

Greetings from Boulder, Colorado

Blue Skies

Today for the first time in three days, it stopped raining and we saw blue skies.  This has been a biblical storm the likes of which I have never seen and probably will never see again.  Colorado is not known for long-lasting storms.  We are known for snow in the morning and sun in the afternoon melting it away.  This was just such an anomaly!  I live in a high spot and it didn’t flood here so I really wasn’t prepared for what I would see when I ventured out, but I tried to go see Dr. Drugs today.  I got about two blocks away, and the road to Dr. Drugs’ office was closed.  It was covered in mud and debris.  It looked like a natural disaster had hit!  And then…I realized…it had!  I circled around and tried to take another route…and hit another set of closed roads.  I thought of another route, but I was too worried about getting stranded somewhere, so I just turned around and came home.

The biggest concern I have now are these loud cracking noises coming from the ceiling.  What the hell is that?  I’m kind of afraid that the roof is going to fall in on me.  But, rationally, I think I would have more of a warning, like water damage, and cracks.  You just don’t know what twelve inches of rain does to a building.

Anyhoo, i guess I will spend another quiet evening at home.  Fortunately my mood has brightened up a bit, the crying jags have let up and I’m beginning to feel like a human being again.  I think it’s hormones.  I started taking hormone replacement therapy about a week ago and I think it’s kicking in.  Fucking crazy mysterious brains.  I guess I will just be grateful for the break in the storm (both inward and outward).  Peaches!

P.S… just in case you haven’t gotten enough disaster-footage, here is a pic taken about a 1/4 mile from my house.  This is normally a busy road with cars buzzing along.  It’s completely impassible now.  The rushing river on the right was previously an open field.

Flood

Morning After The Rain

Today is the first day where I can feel Fall coming.  It rained all last night, and this morning there’s a fragrance in the air that smells of rain, and growing things, and the smell of fall leaves (although there are no fall leaves, it smells of it.  Maybe it’s the beginning of decay in the garden).  There are clouds lining the tops of the mountains like icing on the top of a cake.  Only a few morning glories are blooming.  The riotious blooms of color have passed.  But it’s the smell I want to memorize.  I wish I could soak it up in an old cloth and put it in a jar so I could take it out this winter when I need to come back to this morning.  I want to sit out on my porch in my shortie pajamas and my robe with my creamy coffee forever.

I Hate My Anger

Update:  My mood is actually less stable, if that is possible.  I spent Friday night watching my niece and nephew, which makes me happier than a pig in slop to be with them.  We did quite a lot of jumping on the trampoline and my twelve year old nephew kept throwing a half-inflated exercise ball at his eight year old sister’s head.  I must have asked him ten times not to throw it at her head, because he was really smacking her.  The eleventh time, he smacked her in the face and hurt her, and I really lost it and yelled at him.  I cannot get the injured look on his face out of my mind.  He was scared and hurt and on the verge of tears.  I am just so sad and devastated that I hurt him like that.  I just pop off, zero to one hundred without a thought process in between.  It kills me.  It makes me want to hurt myself so bad, to think of hurting or scaring him with my loud yelling in his face.  I love my niece and nephew so much.  Of course I apologized and asked him if he would forgive me.  He said “I don’t know.”  He seemed to recover quickly and we went on to have more fun but I worry, what will he remember about me when it comes to his childhood?  Will he remember good times?  Or will he remember when I scared and hurt him?  Sometimes I really hate myself.  I can’t stop crying when I think about that look on his face.  So, unstable to unstable-er.  Signed, Debbie Downer

To Fry Or Not To Fry

Well I had my ECT consult today.  It was…interesting.  The doctor sort of pointed out that I’ve been on *most* of the bipolar drugs that are out there.  He said that the remission rate (recovery from depression/mood disorder symptoms) for medication is a lousy 30%, whereas for ECT the remission rate is 70%!!!!  If someone were to take just one medication, and it failed, and then they had ECT, their remission rate would be 90-95%.  YOWSA!!  There’s also a Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation Therapy that can be used for less severe depression, it’s like ECT-Lite.  I’m not a candidate for that.  The doctor said that the results with ECT are almost immediate, and dramatic.  The most important thing is that the patient remain committed to the three treatments per week for three weeks, and not stop after a few treatments because they feel better, because the symptoms might come back even worse.  It’s a HUGE commitment to make, basically a month off of work, and no driving for that time, and someone needs to stay with you, or you need to stay with someone.

One of my best friends, who was actually my roommate in the loony bin last year, said she would come from Florida to stay with me.  Now is that a DAMN GOOD FRIEND or what????  So that variable has been worked out.  Now I just have to deal with finding a place to live and moving.  Otherwise I would probably just start right now.  I do have huge concerns about the time off work, and really, how much is my work going to put up with before they say “The HELL with her!” and give me the boot?  I don’t know.  I’ve been on reduced hours, now I’m working three days per week at home which is VERY much against their wishes…..they don’t see me at all like a cancer patient who needs treatment.  I think they see me like a spoiled brat who’s trying to see how much she can get away with.  The only thing I can counter with is that somehow through all my shit and shinola I am still performing at work.  I am tapdancing and doing little balletic plies and then spinning on my head….and then kaboom!!  I jump down into the splits and a fart bursts out.

I guess for now I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other, investigating other options, talking to Dr. Drugs again tomorrow, and go from there.  I’ll keep y’all posted on the ECT question.  It’s funny, for all of the severe bipolar out there and all the blogs I read, there’s not much brain frying going on.  Why is that?  I know there’s plenty of suffering.  Maybe getting my bacon sizzled will help someone else, I don’t know.  BPOF over and out!

Thank you, 302!!!

Wowwwwwwwwwwwww I just hit my 300th follower and shot right up to 302!!!  Thank you to all 302 of you!!  You all are awesome!  Thanks for hanging in there with me through thick and thin.  Right now it’s pretty fuckin’ thin.  I hope to get some magic moonbeams shot through me that will *poof* make me better.  ECT appeals because it’s a short-term treatment that promises long-term results.  There are all sorts of danger bells going off though.  I will go check it out today.  I hope I don’t get a dog and pony sales pitch though.  Am I jaded?  Do they just check your insurance and if it’s good, talk the shit up?  Oh dear.  That’s so unethical.  But do they do that?  Oh shish.  We’ll see.  Paranoia kicking in . . .  Bipolaronfire over and out until tonight!  Yeah!