I Hate My Anger

Update:  My mood is actually less stable, if that is possible.  I spent Friday night watching my niece and nephew, which makes me happier than a pig in slop to be with them.  We did quite a lot of jumping on the trampoline and my twelve year old nephew kept throwing a half-inflated exercise ball at his eight year old sister’s head.  I must have asked him ten times not to throw it at her head, because he was really smacking her.  The eleventh time, he smacked her in the face and hurt her, and I really lost it and yelled at him.  I cannot get the injured look on his face out of my mind.  He was scared and hurt and on the verge of tears.  I am just so sad and devastated that I hurt him like that.  I just pop off, zero to one hundred without a thought process in between.  It kills me.  It makes me want to hurt myself so bad, to think of hurting or scaring him with my loud yelling in his face.  I love my niece and nephew so much.  Of course I apologized and asked him if he would forgive me.  He said “I don’t know.”  He seemed to recover quickly and we went on to have more fun but I worry, what will he remember about me when it comes to his childhood?  Will he remember good times?  Or will he remember when I scared and hurt him?  Sometimes I really hate myself.  I can’t stop crying when I think about that look on his face.  So, unstable to unstable-er.  Signed, Debbie Downer

6 thoughts on “I Hate My Anger

  1. I think you are much too hard on yourself. As a stepmom, I too have had these feelings, but kids are kids and kids PUSH boundaries until you sometimes have to SCREAM at them to stop. It’s never pretty and we don’t feel good about it, but if you said not to do something 10 times and he chose to do it the 11th time- well, then, the consequences are his. You also needed to protect his sister and you did. He will remember how much you cared and loved him and how you are the coolest aunt ever to be on the trampoline with him.

    • Thank you for saying that. Thank you thank you thank you. I guess all I could see is that I lost it. I was so afraid to do this post but it’s been killing me and I try so hard to be real….so thank you.

  2. in my opinion you did exactly what you should have done. You were very patieht. Kids are kids and sometimes you have to yell at them. My guess is he’ll eventually forget it, or he’ll look back and laugh at the memory. Don’t be so hard on yourself. (I know, easier said than done)

    • Thank you Bradley. I appreciate it. It was just that look on his face. I wish I was one of those calm people who would just say that’s it, go to time out (although he’s old for time out) – but I’m NOT that calm person! I lose it sometimes. Thanks for your support. You’re always so awesome.

  3. Though I’m a few days late of posting a comment, I feel the need to comment on this particular post. My therapist told me something today that made a lot of sense. She told me, “My mind is what you would consider ‘normal,’ so it’s easier for me to stay on the guilt for a second and let it go. Your mind chemistry is not letting you do that. While the other person (my kid in particular) is already over it, your brain chemistry is not letting you move forward.” Really hit home to me since I’ve been feeling the guilt lately. Maybe this will help you; I hope it does.
    And PS. If my kid did something like that to her sister, I would’ve done the same exact thing! Kids can really play on heartstrings – just ask my three-year-old!

    • Wow that makes a ton of sense!! My mind does get stuck I think, often on guilt/shame/I’m not worthy thoughts. I didn’t equate it with brain chemistry but today I’m feeling a tich better and I can see that’s true. Thanks so much for sharing that with me.

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