The Sun Has Come Out

Well the rain has stopped.  Now all I hear are big helicopters going by.  I have to say, this has been an interesting week.  In addition to non-stop rain, and non-stop news coverage of said rain and consequent flooding, I’ve got my own news to share.  I think I might be coming out of Le Grand Funk!!!  I was having daily crying spells and feelings of wanting to hurt myself for weeks, but I haven’t had an episode since two weekends ago!!!  This is a great relief.  I think the thing that may have made the crucial difference is that I started hormone replacement therapy.  I went through very early menopause and it seems like ever since then, my Bipolar has been hard to control, so I went to a HRT specialist about a week and a half ago and she agreed to to start me on hormones.  She said it’d take a couple of weeks to feel a difference, but after a week I feel markedly different.  All I can say is THANK GOD!!!  I have been on the edge for a couple of months, but now I feel like I’m getting my head above water.  I don’t wake up with such a feeling of dread.  I have more energy and I want to DO things!!!  I feel like a human being again.  I still don’t know if I’ll do ECT or not, since I really do slip down under the waves during Fall and Winter, but for right now I’m OK, and OK is pretty fuckin’ slammin’ when I’ve been in a shitstorm for months.  I am grateful like you wouldn’t believe.

Also, I did find a place to live!!  It’s not the palace that this place is but it’s nice and I think it will be a good home for me.  I get the keys this Friday and I will start moving some boxes this weekend, and hire movers for everything else next weekend.  Then it’s clean clean clean the holy HELL out of this place and hope to get my gigantor deposit back, because I cleaned out my savings on the new place and I need that money back, sucka!  Thank GOD for the energy I have now.  Thank you thank you thank you.  I wouldn’t be able to go through this without it.  This has been the most methodical and well thought-out move I have ever done.  I’ve taken about six weeks to purge and pack and I’m really not taking any crap with me!  This is a first for me.  Somehow at 47 years of age I have turned over a new leaf (I didn’t think that was possible) and it feels good.  I’ve always dragged crap from house to house, unopened boxes from place to place, things that I couldn’t face that somehow had some kind of hold on me.  Well I faced all the demons in the boxes.  I know this will only make sense to some of you.  Somehow I bestow a lot of emotional power on “things” and then I can’t face those things.  Well I went through, box by box, over the past few months, and there’s nothing unopened, or un-gone through now.  It’s all gone!  I’m all current in my life.  No old baggage.  Wow.  I feel like a new person.  New person, new home, lots less crap, which means it can all be put away in its proper place!  No unnamed monsters hanging out waiting for me.  Feels fantastico!!!  I’m ready to get on to the next chapter in my life and curious to see what it holds.  As I write I can’t believe how much has changed in a few weeks.  All I can say is I’m glad I didn’t give up, because I was very, very, VERY close.  When I was in that dark place I couldn’t imagine for a second that the sun would come back out and shine in my brain, that the lightness would come back.  I guess that’s the point.  You can’t see it when you’re there.  That’s the darkness.  The only thing that got me through was thinking that I didn’t want to sentence my family to this darkness by killing myself.  That is absolutely the only thing that kept me from doing it.

And now, in Boulder Colorado, there is a beautiful blue sky and the sun is shining, the birds are singing and I’m looking at the beautiful community garden full of flowers and growing things.  I’m going to enjoy my last few days here and look forward to what my new home will have to offer.  Life is good.  Peace!

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