Oh my GORSH I just realized today that Daylight Savings ends this coming weekend and what does that mean? EXTREME LIGHT DEPRIVATION SURVIVAL SKILLS IN FULL EFFECT!! Starting…NOW!! Yes it hit me today. Today was a grey day full of heavy dramatic sighs and cries of “How am I gonna get through this” and the clock hasn’t even changed yet! So tonight I had to go all hard-core on myself and start the extreme exercise regimen: The Ballet Workout! Yeah I know it sounds like a tinkerbell workout but gol-dang it, it’s HARD!! And although I’m sure I looked like a rhino in fleece pajamas doing it, for my very health I prefer, no DEMAND to think that I looked like a pretty pretty princess! All the plies and demi-plies and releves, hop-hop-poof! I am skinny! This daily exercise and staring into bright lights is going to get me through the next four months, mark my words. And as of now I am giving myself full license to fantasize that I look like a million bucks while doing it! No being hard on myself! I am a goddess, god damn it!! I am going to survive and maybe even thrive through this winter! Just watch me!
Well I got my camera out for the first time in probably six months and took a fall photo walk. It was pretty joyful! I think there’s something to this “Lamotrigine sucks creativity”. I am on just one tablet and I’m going to go off that sucker too. I am feeling much better without it. I am still on the Latuda for my bipolar attituda, I *think* it helps. I’m on a whole lotta other stuff too, perphenazine for paranoia (definitely helps), oxcarbazepine for mood stabilization (yes, yes), Seroquel for sleep (gotcha) and Wellbutrin for depression. I just need to banish the damn Lamotrigine. AND let me tell you. I need a therapy light. I broke mine last year and this getting up in the dark is sucking my will to live!!!! I was yelling at the damn world this morning. 7am and still dark. That is bullshit!! What can you do…. Well I’m supposed to be at work in twenty minutes, this is funny! Must. Go. Dress!! Lazy bones over and out!!
I really don’t know about Dr. Drugs. Or about the drugs that Dr. Drugs drugs me with. One of those drugs is Lamotrigine. For a time during the summer, Dr. Drugs had me on so much of this drug, I had no personality at all. I mean seriously. I was so flat, people thought I was on drugs! FUN drugs! And for another thing, from what I can tell, I lost my creative urge at about the time that I started taking Lamotrigine. Lamotrigine, you are Le Sucker of Le Muse! You Muse Rapist! It’s time to say Sayonara to you! So, as much as this is gonna hurt the good doctor, I’m gonna havta say to HELL with Dr. Drugs’ hard-on for Lamotrigine, and taper offa this sucker! Hopefully in the next month or two you will see a significant uptick in both the quantity and quality of my posts. If not I will a) Feel like an asshole; and b) Probably fire Dr. Drugs and find a new psychiatrist to experiment on me. Stay with me for more exciting posts on how my brain explodes with these changes, YEAH BABY!!
I was hospitalized last year, nearly a year ago. It was the tail end of November and the beginning of December. My roommate in the looney bin has turned into a great friend. She was in there because of suicidal feelings due to the loss of her husband to suicide. I am going to Florida this weekend to be with her on the anniversary of her husband’s death. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last year, it’s how suicide is the gift that keeps on giving. My friend has had to fight and claw through the last year to stay alive. Her son has been hospitalized several times. They have lived under such a cloud of grief and trauma. I’m hoping to support and love her through this anniversary however she needs me to. She is a courageous lady and is rebuilding her life. She inspires me. It’s amazing how far we’ve both come from last year to now. A friendship has grown from two crumbled lives. It’s good to look at ourselves then, and now, and say Yes, things DO get better, even with the two steps forward, one step back rough road of life that is mental illness. We are alive.
I took a walk yesterday in my new neighborhood. What’s normal and natural for me is to find a route, and stick with it. What I’m pushing myself to do instead of that is to explore the whole neighborhood, and go down different streets and paths on each walk. I’m tired of always taking the “safe” road. I need to explore life, and my little walks are a metaphor for that. As I was walking I was thinking about Spirit, The Other Side, whatever you want to call it. Being in touch with That Which Guides You. I have been so out of touch! I haven’t felt very guided at all. I’ve been in so many bad places over the past year, and I’ve blamed God. I know that’s not very highly evolved, but that’s the truth.
So here I am on my walk, and I’m just experimenting with listening to Spirit. Here’s an unexplored path. Do you want to go this way? Or how about this way? My instinct is resistance. I am allowing myself to be gently led down the path of exploration. I have asked the Universe to take me places. I have asked the Universe to help me evolve. Now I have to do my part, which is to say, I have to be willing to stretch. I have to try new things. So I walk. I take the new path. I turn left, instead of the familiar right. It may sound trite, or simple, but for me, it’s a step out of my comfort zone. One step leads to another, which hopefully leads me down the road to the person I want to be. It’s a practice in listening, and being receptive to new ideas. It’s an opening of the mind. For the first time in a long time, I don’t know what the future holds, because I am receptive to change in me and my life. For the first time in a long time, I am becoming. I am not done.
Oh man change my name to Grandma Moses! I’m getting OLD!! I threw my back out in this move. I feel like a creakety crunchety old lady. No, it doesn’t have ANYTHING to do with trying to unpack everything in a week. NOTHING! Well I am almost unpacked. But now the office is going to have to wait because I am a big ol’ mess of aches and pains and I’m taking pain pills like they’re Good n’ Plenty. I love that damn candy. Mmm candy. Maybe I’ll go get some. I haven’t had Good n’ Plenty in forever. Yeahhhhh. Oh so easily distracted…but as I was saying….I wasted my back. It’s part of my effort to be an island and do everything myself without asking for help. What in the HELL is so hard about asking for help? I have plenty of people who would be more than willing to help. I just get in my groove and I wanna go-go-go. On my own-own –own. It’s dumb. Well the office won’t get done unless I ask for help, that’s all there is to it! The heaviest boxes of all are in there and I just plain can’t move them around now. So…I gotta do it. Poo.
So YEAH the move went pretty well. This place is NOT light like the other place so my light BILL is going to be high as hell, my brotha. I keep the lights on all day when I’m home. I don’t care! I need the fuckin’ light! I need it. My eyes scream for it. It’s a part of my makeup. Gotta honor it. And my poor plants!! They are threatening to curl up and go to plant heaven. I have to buy some plant lights. What the hell makes a plant light a plant light, anyway? They DO seem to be better for the plants. Maybe they’ll be better for me too!
It’s starting to get cold here, and it’s getting light later and later in the morning, and darker earlier in the evening. All of this shit sucks the big one. It’s like the world is getting ready to go to sleep. And somehow I have to try to stay awake. I’m still exercising, that’s my biggest challenge this time of year. If I can keep working at home I think I can maybe exercise at lunchtime. I don’t usually feel like eating at lunchtime. The challenge will be to get out of my pajamas. I usually keep them on all day. I really am a comfort hog. I haven’t fallen so far down the well that I’ll go out and walk in pajamas, though. Maybe next month, we’ll see. Do you ever see those girls at the store in pajamas and slippers? I want to ask them, “You realize that you look like a fucking fool, right?” but I don’t. I still might someday. Don’t put it past me. At any given moment in time, I might say anything. I shock even myself. That’s Bipolar, I guess. Bipolar = Big Mouth. I think? Or maybe it’s just me.
Well that’s all the news that’s fit to print. And quite a bit that’s not. You know me. Let’s talk again soon! Keep on fighting, people! Cha cha, BPOF!