I am now 96.5% convinced that I am going to do ECT treatments. It sounds so scientific doesn’t it? I chose that number out of my head just to mess with you :). I’ve just been thinking about the person I used to be, someone who had vitality and a genuine interest in life and someone who embraced life and I am so, so far from that. Even though I am a lot better than I was over the summer, I am still so socially isolated and I don’t want to socialize (part of me wants to very badly yet there is a broken part of me that resists and the broken part wins). I don’t know if anyone can relate to this, I would really love to hear from you if you do. This goddamn disease called Bipolar Depression is a real bitch and it really gets me down but I am ready to go to the ends of the earth to fight it and try to get back to some piece of me which means I will try ECT. I am so scared for my job security, what would I do without my job and healthcare but I will have to take it one step at a time. I just feel like I have a long life ahead of me and I need to try to go for quality of life instead of feeling like I’m just existing which is how I feel now. Right now I struggle struggle struggle to do everything that is good for me and frankly I don’t have it in me every day to fight the good fight! It can’t be this hard every day! Do you know what I mean? There’s got to be more to life than work and tv and reading books. Right? Right. I want to get back to that wacko who sold everything and ran off to Paris and made more friends in a few weeks than she had in years. And got a job singing and waitressing in a bar and said “How do you say fork in French?” Ok well that’s a little manic but I want to find my life-force again and somehow I think maybe scrambling my brains might do it. I’ve heard great things about ECT. I will keep you posted as I buck up and call HR and get my road on the show.
Just as an aside, I texted my best friend and told him of my total-carbs-diet today and asked him if he’d still love me when I weighed 450 lbs. He responded that he would gladly roll me around. Now is that the true love of a friend, or what??? Something to be grateful for….