I’m Gonna Do It!

I am now 96.5% convinced that I am going to do ECT treatments.  It sounds so scientific doesn’t it?  I chose that number out of my head just to mess with you :).  I’ve just been thinking about the person I used to be, someone who had vitality and a genuine interest in life and someone who embraced life and I am so, so far from that.  Even though I am a lot better than I was over the summer, I am still so socially isolated and I don’t want to socialize (part of me wants to very badly yet there is a broken part of me that resists and the broken part wins).  I don’t know if anyone can relate to this, I would really love to hear from you if you do.  This goddamn disease called Bipolar Depression is a real bitch and it really gets me down but I am ready to go to the ends of the earth to fight it and try to get back to some piece of me which means I will try ECT.  I am so scared for my job security, what would I do without my job and healthcare but I will have to take it one step at a time.  I just feel like I have a long life ahead of me and I need to try to go for quality of life instead of feeling like I’m just existing which is how I feel now.  Right now I struggle struggle struggle to do everything that is good for me and frankly I don’t have it in me every day to fight the good fight!  It can’t be this hard every day!  Do you know what I mean?  There’s got to be more to life than work and tv and reading books.  Right?  Right.   I want to get back to that wacko who sold everything and ran off to Paris and made more friends in a few weeks than she had in years.  And got a job singing and waitressing in a bar and said “How do you say fork in French?”  Ok well that’s a little manic but I want to find my life-force again and somehow I think maybe scrambling my brains might do it.  I’ve heard great things about ECT.  I will keep you posted as I buck up and call HR and get my road on the show.

 

Just as an aside, I texted my best friend and told him of my total-carbs-diet today and asked him if he’d still love me when I weighed 450 lbs.  He responded that he would gladly roll me around.  Now is that the true love of a friend, or what???  Something to be grateful for….

8 thoughts on “I’m Gonna Do It!

  1. “This goddamn disease called Bipolar Depression is a real bitch and it really gets me down but I am ready to go to the ends of the earth to fight it” keep fighting

    “take it one step at a time” never forget this.

    “I just feel like I have a long life ahead of me and I need to try to go for quality of life instead of feeling like I’m just existing which is how I feel now. ” you do have a long life ahead of you! You will make it.

    I know and understand the fight.

  2. I just recently got over a long 6 month slide into a deep depression, at the height I slept all day and barely managed the everydays of ife. My concession to just make it end was to go back onto Lithium despite it making me physically ill. Maybe ECT will work for you. I hope it works for you if you decide to do it. You can do it. And I wish you the best.

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