I am going to require 24-hour care when I start the ECT (much to my shame and chagrin), and my caregiver, MY MOTHER (how can this be? My Mom will be MOMMING me again?), has asked me to wait until after Thanksgiving to start my ECT treatments. This is quite a blow to me. I feel like I am just “hanging on” until the treatments. Now I have to wait three more long weeks. Three more long weeks of work, three more long weeks of cringe-worthy mistakes at work, three more long weeks of darkness and rage-fueled sleep. My sleep is so angry! It is not the vacation from reality that it used to be. I am just hanging on by my fingernails for this treatment. Will it be what I hope? At the very least I think the sedation by Ketamine might provide me some relief from the dark cloud that follows over my head. I wish I could have a shot now. I am still off the evil weed, as much as I’d like to use and abuse. The company I work for got bought out and the new company required us to take a drug test. Luckyyyyy me that I had stopped the weed. I’m scared to start again, what if they ask me to repeat my drug test? If so I’d be out the door, baby. They don’t care that cannabis is legal in Colorado. So, I am trying to be drug and alcohol free, and I’m miserable. No relief in sight! Why is my reality so hard….really I am fine. It’s just this damn cloud! I feel like the Abilify commercial, it’s following me. I need something to shoot it with. Oh well…lunch break is over! Back to work, will try not to fuck up majorly again until tomorrow. 🙂
Oh by the way I want to give a medication update, I am OFF the Lamotrigine totally, which was fucking up my creativity and making me flat as a pancake, and I am off the Latuda which was not doing shit for me. I have had it with these Bipolar Designer Drugs. I think my doctor had me on wayyyyyy too fucking many drugs and it pisses me off. Not happy with Dr. Drugs at all. I am still on a shitload, Topamax, Wellbutrin, Oxcarbazepine and Perphenazine. So you see I am not one of those crazy Bipolars who want to go off all their medications. But I don’t want to take shit that either harms me, or does nothing for me. Anyhoo…that’s the news for now. I hope to get off more meds with the ECT. Ta! TA!