I am drinking a delicious morning cup of coffee, my second, and pondering my Sunday without Broncos football. I really do not know what I am going to do without the Broncos. I know I have them next weekend but then that’s it! Oh Lord. I think by next weekend I will be driving again so at least I’ll be able to venture out into the world, that will make a HUGE difference. I just hope that my cognitive functioning will be sufficient to support the operation of a motor vehicle by that time. If not I will occupy myself with some low-speed automobile accidents. I should be able to create some that don’t involve injuries, I think. I will choose good-looking male victims, or maybe even a FIRE TRUCK! Oh fuck yeah running into some firemen could really make the day enjoyable. I would come up with a reason to lie down for sure. Lie down in a provocative pose, have a little chat……. Hmmmmmm what to wear. I better study air-bag deployment. At this rate I may never go back to work. And that is ok with me. WOW a new reason to live, it’s amazing how one can find one from basically anywhere! I’m going to my closet now to put some outfits together…you just don’t KNOW how excited this idea has made me! Firemen! Firemen! Firemen! Bipolaronfire newly obsessed…sweet!
I’m so embarrassed to say that my obsession for Dr. Sweetie continues. I think I could have stalker tendencies. It’s a good thing that a) I don’t know where he lives and b) I’m not permitted to drive right now anyway due to having had ECT. I wonder if I am not on the right drugs regimen, and that makes me obsessional? I am going to see Dr. Drugs on Monday, and I fully plan to address this. Holy GOD I hope he doesn’t think I’m so crazy that he hospitalizes me!! I would be so humiliated. If you don’t hear from me after Monday afternoon, you can make a safe bet that I’ve been thrown in the Looney Bin.
It’s a beautiful day today and I’m going to force myself to go outside for a walk, even though I don’t “feel” like it. It’s so hard to do the good things when you don’t feel like it! Damn it! I’m going to do it.
I love all of you for writing about how crazy you are when you are, it gives me such great comfort, and it gives me courage to tell the God’s Awful Truth here too. So, this is mine. I’m obsessed. Trying not to be with some forceful self-talk. Trying to read some books. Trying not to think too hard about my situation with being off work & having to go back soon, wondering how I’m going to do that, then freaking out. I’ve put the tv on a couple of times but it bores me to tears. Oh GOD how I miss the marijuana-abusing days!! I miss the comfort of oblivion, I miss it bad. Staying awake for life is mighty hard.
Oh!! I went and saw the movie “Ride Along” last night. I laughed and laughed. Kevin Hart is a kick in the ass!! This movie kept the action and the laughs coming throughout. Definitely worth seeing.
Hope you all enjoy a lovely day.
Well I’m not having any more ECT, but I really love Dr. Sweetie, so I did the unthinkable and ridiculous. I called and asked him to be my regular psychiatrist. I had to leave him a message. He’s probably going to throw up a little in his mouth when he gets my message. I used my sweetest voice. Well god damn it I can ask, can’t I? What’s the worst that can happen? When he calls me back to say No I’m going to cry. Hey, he’s a psychiatrist, that’s part of the job to deal with mentally unbalanced people. I’m sure I’m not the first client to love him, and I won’t be the last. It’s a treacherous field to work in. Poor guy. Don’t be so hunky, Dr. Sweetie!
Well it’s time for me to go do my Lumosity training, after that I need to find something to do today. My sister bought me a book called The Bliss List, it’s all about doing what you love for work. I’m going to work on that today. I stopped reading yesterday at the point where you had to make a list of something. At the point where it called for action. I will do it today.
I’ll be back with an update once I hear from Dr. Sweetie, be ready for tears. Until then, ta-ta…
Update: Heard back from Dr. Sweetie, no surprises, just a very kind “No”. Looks like I need to get over my crush. Oh POOP is all I have to say right now.
Another Update: I am feeling very rejected. Very sad. Yeah I know I set myself up for this. I KNEW what the answer was going to be. He said he’s just an ECT Doctor and I KNEW that but I just didn’t want to let go of him but I am still feeling sad and rejected. I need to get a life don’t I? Yes I do.
I am working hard on my Lumosity games and slowly improving a little bit every day. I have been severely cognitively impaired by the sixteen (yes sixteen!!) ECT treatments I have had for my bipolar depression, treatments which have not really had any positive effect. What a fucking disappointment. I’ve basically rearranged my whole life to do this, and to no avail. Now I’m just trying to recover from the ECT. I am questioning whether I should have another treatment this coming Monday (I have one scheduled). I have a call in to my sister to discuss this. I am making slow progress in cognitive functioning (speed, memory, attention, flexibility, problem solving) and I don’t want to go backwards on this. I feel like I have a hell of a long way to go to be ready to drive, and an even longer way to go to be ready to go back to work, and not much time to get there. I’m pretty sure Dr. Sweetie would recommend that I have that treatment, but I don’t know think that he would agree that they’re not helping. Kind of a big point to not agree on. I am mighty scared about my prognosis, I don’t think it looks good for me. I think it’s time to start considering a brain transplant. I mean, what are my other options?
Update: I spoke with my sister and she agrees that there’s no reason to do any more ECT since I don’t feel that it has helped at all. The idea of not seeing Dr. Sweetie again is sooooooo sad to me. Seriously, you don’t realize what a delicious hunk of man he is! HE was the only therapy I was getting from going to that hospital. God damn it! I am down. Oh Dr. Sweetie! You are working a serious hotness!!!!!! Fuck. How am I going to get through this day? My sister suggested that I call my OTHER psychiatrist, Dr. Drugs, so we can rework my medication regimen. I am having a hard time finding the willingness to do this right now. DAMN it! Ok I’m gonna do it. I have to do something. Consider the call made.
Today was one of those days where I woke up at 4:30 in the morning. This is one of the by-products of the ECT or the stress of being off work, I don’t know which. I was in a rage from a dream I’d had about my ex-brother-in-law taking advantage of me, it was so real! It wasn’t anything sexual or anything, it was a dream that he borrowed my car and loaded it up with crap, something that he would really do. Oh I was SO MAD I didn’t know what to do with myself and it’s 4:30 in the morning and I’m thinking, how am I gonna go back to sleep? It was a terrible time to get up. So I went and took some melatonin, my doctor who I am crushing on (let’s just call him Dr. Sweetie) prescribed this for sleep and it works o.k. Of course I would prefer something nice and strong and narcotic but Dr. Sweetie knows that I have addictive tendencies so he’s being all responsible with me, dammit, so I’m left with wimpie little melatonin. GOD I miss the days when doctors would whip out that pad and just write write write those prescriptions for shit!
It took over an hour but I got back to sleep. The second time I woke up wondering if I had paid two bills. You know that anxious feeling? I just don’t trust my brain right now. So I had to go get the checkbook out and look….and the two bills were just paid, yeah! What a relief! I’m gonna surf on top of that “oh yeah” feeling all day.
Oh yeah I had my first session with a new therapist yesterday. It went really well. We covered a lot of ground. I think I will see her again, but not every week due to the cost. I am on short-term disability right now which is 60% of my pay, which means I need to be very careful about my expenses.
Today I’m going out to lunch with my parents, to a French restaurant. I am very excited to try this place, I have never been before. It is in the next town over, in Longmont. Should be fun.
Well it’s time to go do my brain games, need to try to wake up this tired brain and remind it how to work correctly. Hope you all have a smashing day. See you tomorrow. PEACE!
Since I’m so worried about my cognitive functioning, I joined this website called lumosity.com. It’s got all kinds of brain-teasing games designed to stimulate your brain’s functioning. The games are in all kinds of different categories – flexibility, memory, addition, subtraction, problem solving, you name it, they’ve got a category for it and a game for it. I’m not gonna tell you how I measure up against other people my age except to say it’s not good. If I wanted to get very overwhelmed by what the ECT has done to my brain, I could. I’m going to stick with the positive and focus on trying to stimulate my brain. I have plenty of time on my hands, I’m going to spend it at this website. That, and a little walk to the grocery store. It’s a beautiful day. Hope you’re enjoying your day too. Peach out, homies!!
Oh and I have a new therapist tonight at 5pm, wish me luck!
There’s mixed emotions saying there’s no treatment today. I haven’t verified that there’s not a treatment today but I “think” the treatment is cancelled. My sister is cancelling it. My family has noticed that I am not functioning on all cylinders lately, I have really been negatively affected by the ECT. It has really affected me cognitively. Walking around my house, I have a hard time finding things. I don’t know where things go. I don’t know where things are found. I have a hard time with spelling. I am very, VERY worried about going back to work – how am I going to do it? How am I going to function? Yes. Very many minuses. Now you know I have a terrible crush on my doctor. TERRIBLE!!! Oh! I love him!!!!!! So no treatment means I don’t get to see my doctor! Jesus don’t let my family be reading these blog posts!!! I will really miss my doctor. If I don’t have a treatment today, I won’t have one for a long time. So I won’t see my precious doctor for a long time. This is a sacrifice. Why do I have to love him? Why why why????
UPDATE: Treatment cancelled. Oh I will miss my dear doctor!! Sadness sadness. It’s probably a good thing he doesn’t know how I feel about him.
Double Update: I am seeing a new therapist tomorrow. Woo! Scary. Soul-baring time, goodie.
I looooooove me some Wes Welker and I looooooove the Broncos and I am so excited for the game today!!!!!! It has been such a wonderful Broncos season and I have loved loved loved every bit of it. These sexy hunking men just keep the season going and going and going and I know they’re going to KEEP going after today!!
I’m ready for 1pm at Sports Authority field, the magic begins then. Until that time we will just occupy ourselves….have a nice Sunday, Denver Broncos and Wes Welker Sunday.
THE BRONCOS ARE SUPERBOWL-BOUND YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!! MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!!!!!
I am home sweet home. It is so good to be home!! I am still not myself. This ECT is really taking it out of me. When you think about doing ECT….think once, think twice, think three times…..and then wait some more before you do anything…..this is some serious shit and I am not coming back…..oh mama this is such serious shit!
I went in for that sixteenth treatment and I told my psychiatrist how crappy I’m feeling (should I be hospitalized? I don’t know). I am feeling weird in ways I’ve never felt before. I’m feeling all kinds of things I’ve never felt before. None of them good. My psychiatrist proceeded to give me another treatment, then go consult with my mom and my sister on whether or not he should hospitalize me. Ultimately he decided not to do it. He sent me home with Mom. I really hate having to stay with my parents. I hate the loss of independence I am experiencing due to ECT. I hope that I start to reap the rewards of this treatment soon.
I believe I have my 16th (!!!) ECT treatment today. I am in the maintenance phase of ECT and going less than once a week now. This means that technichally, I’m eligibible to drive. I’m going to ask my doctor about this. When I asked him last week things didn’t go well. He called my sister, and she took my car over to her house. This has been an incredible infantilizing experience, I can’t even tell you. People have no confidence in anything I say or do. It’s like being five again. I tell you, if I had it to do over, I don’t think I would have done ECT. If you are considering it, think long and hard. Then think again. It hasn’t lived up to its promise, that’s for sure.
A made an appointment with a therapist….yes! And I told her that I’m in love with my doctor…yes! She must think she has a real crazy to deal with. Good for her 🙂
I’m not doing well. I miss my doctor. This is ridiculous. I want to be closer to him. I think I’m getting crazier! Oh lordy. The thing is, I can’t tell him! He will fire me for sure. Sitting at home is making me crazier. He recommended a therapist, maybe I should make an appointment with her. I am feeling very resistant. OK I have called the therapist and left a message. I feel a tish less crazy.
I called my hunka hunka burnin’ love psychiatriast because I think I’m ready to start driving. Unfortunately he doesn’t agree, and he SO doesn’t agree, he called my sister to talk to her about it! I hate it when that happens!!!!!! Yeah Mr. Sexy Hunk Man really fucked my day. Now my sister is coming over to get my car keys. Damn it all.
My doctor is so damn good!!!!! I just love him. I may have stated this already. Oh I love my doctor. He is beautiful. He’s just a gorgeous human being. It was a luscious family appointment. I could have kept going for hours. Oh I love the way he takes his time. He is very protective of me and so willing to go to bat for me when it comes to my workplace. I am very worried about going back to work and it is his wish that I go back on a part-time basis to start. He will have those FMLA papers over to my work quicker than I can say “pretty-please” which is very reassuring. I am just so worried that my workplace is going to say “to hell with her” and can me. I am on my way to a treatment this morning. Wish me luck.