Clozaril Is Turning Me Into A Fat Pig

This damn medicine!  It is turning me into a fat pig, but it’s also doing a little thing called “Keeping Me Alive“.   I saw Dr. Drugs yesterday and he was so happy with my progress, he’s switched me from every-other-week to monthly appointments!!  Yeah!  I think I have lost some impulse control by stopping the Topamax, I really never experienced impulse control (especially when it comes to money) until I took Topamax.  If I ever stop ECT, (Jesus it has to end sometime, right?) I may ask to go back on the Topamax.  The other thing that Topamax really helped with was my urge to abuse substances.  It really cut it down.  Now I am really craving the marijuana.  Dammit they just legalized it in this state!!  I want to go to the mary store and see what they got.  Resisting.   Just for today, I will eat Butterfingers like a pig, and not abuse alcohol or marijuana.  Just for today.

So friends…how are you?

Taking Action

Well my new behavior that I am working on as I take this DBT intensive is taking action.  I have been so stuck lately, stuck in my Comfort Zone which equates to staying home alone and isolating.  This is really harmful to my mental health.  Although I resist it with every fiber of my being, I am forcing myself to take action, as in, going out and doing something with other people.  I have to say, I hate pushing myself.  I really love my Comfort Zone!  That doesn’t make sense I know but I am really a creature of habit.  The other thing I have historically done while sitting at home isolating is I’ve abused substances quite extensively, mostly marijuana but some alcohol too.  At some point towards the end of last year I came to the conclusion that being stoned all the time was worsening my depression and I stopped using weed.  Right now I am really missing it.  I miss the oblivion!  I have committed to staying sober throughout the nine week DBT intensive that I’m taking, so today I went to an AA meeting.  (That was my “getting out of my Comfort Zone” behavior).  It was just as it’s always been, except when I used to go twenty years ago, everyone wasn’t messing with a cell phone.  Remember when we just had home phones?  Land lines?  Yeah that brought me back.  I used to sit in the bathtub and talk on the phone for hours.  Those were the days….

I had to go to the hospital where Dr. Sweetie works today.  This Clozaril is such a pain in the ass!!  I have to have weekly blood tests so they can make sure it’s not killing me.  Today I went to the lab and signed a release so that they can fax my lab results to the pharmacy.  It’s hard-core!!  I was so worried that I would see Dr. Sweetie (I didn’t).  I am very sad about the complaint my sister filed against Dr. Sweetie.  Even though I know the complaint has merit, it just makes me sad to picture Dr. Sweetie having to deal with the consequences of the complaint.  Dammit.  Why does life have to be so difficult?

Tomorrow I have absolutely zero plans.  Well I guess that’s a bit of a lie because I will have DBT homework to do.  What am I going to do for the rest of the day?  Hopefully I will find something productive to do.

Well my nighttime medicine is kicking in and my head is full of clouds.   Please forgive me for writing the world’s most boring blog this evening, I really just wanted to check in and say “Hi”.   Soooooo……how are you?

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures

Today was interesting.  I’m not what you’d call a Christian, although sometimes I believe in God.  My parents are hard-core Catholics and they’ve had all their Catholic friends praying for me through this huge depression and round of ECT.  Some of their friends offered to have us over for a prayer session and to lay hands on me.  My feeling was, what the fuck!  It can’t hurt and maybe it will help!  So today we drove up to Fort Collins and participated in the little prayer/healing ceremony.  I was so overwhelmed by all of the energy there and I was REALLY uncomfortable being the center of attention, but somehow I managed not to jump out of my skin and I just tried to accept and absorb all of the healing energy in the room.  Aside from my high anxiety, it was a really special, kind and loving experience.  I don’t feel any different but I’m open to any healing vibes that are out there.

Tonight I went with my friend Crispy Fries to see the movie Nebraska.  It was pretty good.  Bruce Dern was outstanding, and Will Forte was a pleasure to look at.  What a babe!

My depression must be improving if I have any hint of sexual attraction.  Of course you know that I had a whopper of an attraction to Dr. Sweetie, and now with Will Forte, I just about flung myself at the movie screen.  Maybe someday I’ll focus my attraction on someone who feels the same way about me.  That would be nice to get back into the dating game.  Being an island gets old :).

Well my early morning wake-up is catching up with me, I think I will hop into my bed sweet bed.  Doesn’t it feel GREAT to get into bed at the end of the day?  I love it 🙂 🙂 :).  Nighty-night!!

A Complaint Has Been Filed

Oh dear.  I am so stressed and distressed about this.  My sister has called the Patient Rep at Hospital #1 and filed a complaint against Dr. Sweetie.  She’s saying that:  a) Dr. Sweetie should not have been giving me ECT treatments while I was still on Topamax and Trileptal, and b) Dr. Sweetie should not have continued to give me ECT treatments when I was showing no progress (He gave me 16 treatments and had #17 scheduled when my family intervened and cut off the ECT).

I’m sure my sister is correct in her assertions, but you KNOW how I feel about Dr. Sweetie so this is just agonizing to me!  I keep trying to picture him getting notified that a complaint has been filed.  It can’t be good.  Will he know who filed the complaint?  I don’t know.  Probably.  He’ll need to be able to respond to the complaint.

The whole mess has left me with a scared stomach.  Add to that the fact that I need to go to Hospital #1 for bloodwork today.  What are the chances that I will run in to Dr. Sweetie?  Very low I hope.

So I’m off for my bloodwork and an appointment with Dr. Drugs.  Happy VD!  BPOF over and OUT!

No Return To Work On Monday, YAY!!

Well I was planning on returning to work this coming Monday, but if I were to go to part-time so I can attend the DBT IOP, my employer said I’d be ineligible for health care benefits.  So dumb.  So, in order to attend the DBT and retain my benefits, I have to extend my Leave of Absence for another nine weeks.  Unreal, huh?  I don’t get their rules but I have to say I am ecstatic to prolong my LOA – you know how I feel about that damn job!

My sister brought up an interesting issue today that I don’t necessarily love.  Since my suicide plan involves taking an overdose and then sitting in my running car in the garage, Sister wants me to give up all of my old medication stockpiles.  I know it makes perfect sense to get rid of the old unused meds,  but I feel strangely resistant.  I’m going to suck it up and do the right thing.  Let Sister dispose of my old pills 🙂

On that note, hey everybody, Happy VD!!!

My DBT Intake, Or Dammit To Hell!

Well, hell.  I went for my intake appointment for the DBT IOP.  Took a couple of hours and I had to sign roughly six hundred forms.  THEN I found out that the damn group isn’t at night MWF, it’s from 9am to Noon MWF!!  How fuckin’ stupid is that?  I mean really.  SO I have to ask for another accommodation from my job to be able to attend this damn treatment.  Dr. BigHeart really wants me to do it, and from the little bit I’ve learned so far, it sounds like a good fit for me.  I really have some things about myself that I want to change and I think DBT could be just the ticket.  So, I left a voicemail for my HR person asking if I could work a reduced schedule so that I can take this treatment.  Dr. BigHeart says that my employer doesn’t have the option to can me, since I’m covered under the ADA (Americans with Disabilites Act).  I hate like hell to ask for all this special treatment, but really what can I do?  I don’t want to take nine more weeks off of work, the other option.  I don’t think they’d go for that.

For the duration of the treatment, I am required to be sober.  I have been booze and pot-free for a few months, but it really doesn’t suit me.  I think I might have to go to some damn AA meetings to help me stay on the straight and narrow.  Sobriety is so boring!!  Sorry I am a terrible influence.

I have ECT tomorrow, the one thing I like about ECT is the feeling of going “comfortably numb” as the anesthesia kicks in.  Yeah.  Pitiful.  But I speak the truth!  I’ll see you all post-zap….have a GREAT evening!  Peaches!

Today Was A Good Day

Today was a good day.  I went to see Dr. BigHeart for a check-in.  I was fasting because I didn’t know if I would get an ECT treatment or not.  Ultimately Dr. BigHeart determined that I didn’t need a treatment, which was a big vote of  confidence for me and my current mental health.  I will go have a treatment on Wednesday, then next week on Friday.

Dr. BigHeart also wrote a letter clearing me for a return to work next week.  I will only be able to work Monday through Thursday, because I will have treatments on Fridays for at least the next couple of weeks.  I am very apprehensive about the return to work.

Now I have a gripe regarding the Olympics.  I’m just watching the speedskating and the Americans have these black uniforms on and I’m like, what the shit?  They should be red, white and blue!  There are a lot of strange-colored uniforms for the Americans.  Who is responsible for this????   I do NOT approve.

Tomorrow I have an intake appointment for this DBT Intensive Outpatient program I’m going to do.  Has anyone done DBT before?  I don’t know what I’m in for exactly but DBT was strongly recommended for me and since I’m desperate to get better, I said OK.  I’ll report back what I find 🙂

Going Home Today

I have been staying with one of my sisters since I got out of the hospital on Thursday, but today I’m going to try going home.  Not sure how it’ll feel to be alone again . . . I hope hope hope that my suicidal ideation does not return.  The isolation is a trigger, I think.  I have to push myself to get out.

Tomorrow I go for a check-in appointment with Dr. BigHeart.  I will fast because we may or may not do a treatment tomorrow, depending on how he thinks I’m doing.  Do I need another treatment?  I don’t know.  I feel like I’m in a state of suspended animation.  I don’t really know how I’m doing.  I know I need to pay my bills today, that can be taxing on my psyche, since I don’t really know how much more money I will get from Short Term Disability, and I’m not sure that I have a job to go back to.  Maybe I’ll find out tomorrow after Dr. BigHeart writes a letter clearing me to return to work.

I have the Olympics on the tv…pretty inspiring!  How is your Sunday going?


UPDATE:  I’M HOME!!!!!!  What a feeling to come home.  I’m going to keep busy with unpacking all of my crap I have (lots & lots) and maybe do some laundry.  That feels like home, doing laundry 🙂   I also have the Olympics on the tv to keep me company, Comcast has an Olympics channel.  Sweet!!!


I just reached the magic number of 400 followers this evening and I have to say a huge THANK YOU to each and every one of you!!!  A big jelly doughnut for each of you, I say!  Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

And now…for a little update….one of my sisters is determined to file a complaint against Dr. Sweetie for giving me so many ECT treatments when I wasn’t showing any signs of improvement.  The bilateral ECT really fucked my brains, to say the least.  I didn’t know my way around my own kitchen!!!  So.  Needless to say the idea of lodging a complaint against Dr. Sweetie leaves me feeling very sad…but this sister of mine is a medical social worker, at another hospital, and she insists that there should be some corrective action taken against a doctor that zapped me sixteen times (and intended to continue zapping me on a regular basis).    Oh conflict!  My sister says that I need to think about the next patient.  Hmmmm what to do?

Well the Clozaril is kicking in, I think it’s time to sleep.  See you tomorrow!  BPOF

On The Road Again

For the first time in two and a half months, I am DRIVING!!!!!   Yeah!!!  Oh it feels so good to be back behind the wheel!!  I did what any woman would do on a Saturday, I went and got my nails done :).  Yes that felt great too.  Gorgeous pink tips and matching pink toenails.  I’m alive again!!!  Just to be out driving in Boulder, running my little errands, made me feel like a new person!!  Thanks to Dr. BigHeart who said I could drive starting this weekend!!  Dr. Sweetie had a different rule, I had to wait until the ECT treatments were two weeks apart.  Dr. BigHeart was able to see that I have my head on straight now, and said I could go ahead and drive.

I went and checked my mail yesterday, and there was a bill from Boulder Community  Hospital, which is where I was for my first two weeks of ECT with Dr. Sweetie.  I about fell over at the total cost of my hospitalization, $55,000!!!!!!!!!!  Of that I have to pay about $500.  Thank God for insurance.

There was also a FedEx from my employer, letting me know that I’d used up my FMLA.  They say they’re accommodating me with an extended leave of absence until February 17, my return to work date.  AND there was a strange sentence in there saying “We will talk a week before your return date and determine if there is still a position for you.”  Ugh.  Sounds ominous.

I have been staying with my sister since I got sprung from the bin, but tomorrow I’m going to my own home to stay.  My family is very worried about me being alone and isolated, since that contributed to my suicidal depression.  I am going to have to find some activities to fill my time.  There are tons of activities in Boulder for sober people, in fact there’s a whole club that does recreational activities.  The club is called Phoenix Multisport and I figure since I’m technically sober and need to stay that way, this might be a good club for me.  I will check it out this week.  It’s going to be hard to “get out there”, but I need to force myself.  Putting it out here makes me accountable, I promise to report back.

Hope you’re all having a smashing weekend, be good to yourselves!!!  BPOF over and out!

My First Free Day

Well my first day of freedom has involved a whole lotta nothin’.  I feel grogged out from the Clozaril, and I’m having a hard time motivating myself to do anything besides sit here with my laptop and fuck around.  I don’t know if I can handle this medicine!  The pharmacist only gave me one weeks’ worth of it, since a blood test is required EVERY WEEK to take this medicine.  The pharmacist also had to register me with the company that makes Clozaril, so they can monitor me.  That’s heavy-duty.

My sister just called, she will be home soon and we will walk over to my house together.  I really need to catch up on mail and bills.  Feeling a little overwhelmed.  All in all it’s a great feeling to be out of the looney bin, though.  Just easing back to life….slowly.  Good to see you all 🙂 🙂 🙂

Back From The Bin

Oh, hello there!  How are you?  It’s just me, Bipolaronfire, back from the looney bin!!  Damn my damn  honesty with Dr. Drugs!!!   A week and a half ago I walked into his office and admitted to some serious suicidal ideation, and doncha know he cut the appointment short and said I had to report to the nearest Emergency Room for a 72-hour hold.

I know I’m a dumbass but fuck it!  I told the truth.  I was feeling pretty damn low.  Yes I had a plan.  Yes I had written a suicide note.  Yes I thought I was going to go through with it.  Once they committed me, it got worse.  WORSE!!  Off to the psychiatric hospital for me, and in comes Dr. BigHeart.  At first he wanted to send me back to Dr. Sweetie’s hospital (I believe Dr. Sweetie has washed his hands of me, damn it all).  Once it became clear that he couldn’t send me back to the original hospital, Dr. BigHeart got serious and recommended his biggest gun for treatment, Clozaril and ECT.

Dr. BigHeart says my initial sixteeen (Yes, sixteen) treatments didn’t help because I was still on Trileptal and Topamax, which he promptly discontinued.  Dr. BigHeart (this is where he gets his name) gave out his cell phone number to my family and actually spent 45 minutes on the phone with my sister, discussing the recommended treatment.  Ultimately I said “what the fuck” and accepted his recommended treatment.  I’ve had three unilateral ECT treatments and together with the Clozaril I am a new person!  For reals!!

I will be getting weekly ECT for at least the next four weeks, then hopefully we’ll go to monthly treatments.  I am so troubled by the knowledge that I had sixteen wasted ECT treatments, I’m tempted to publish Dr. Sweetie’s name!  But ultimately I am a wuss and fear the consequences.    Dr. Sweetie is a young hunk of doctor-man, very qualified ultimately.  He just should have discontinued the Trileptal and Topamax, and I also think he should have stuck to unilateral treatments, since I was SO!  DAMN!!  MUDDLED!!! by the bilateral treatments, it was almost like I’d had a stroke!!  I was dumber than dumb, that’s for sure.  Maybe I could email Dr. Sweetie a link to this post, what do you think?

I am SO looking forward to sleeping in and not being woken up by some turd mental health worker, demanding a blood sample (at 6 am) or my vital signs at 7 am.  The Clozaril makes me groggy and I am going to sleep in tomorrow, HELL YES!!  So….how are you?  How’ve you been?  Sorry I was gone so long, they actually committed me to that damn hospital because I wouldn’t sign in voluntarily.  More of my awesome decision-making.   I believe….for the moment….it’s bpof over and out!  Peaches!!