I did a couple of things that were monumental for me today. First, a little background. I’ve been feeling like shit. I’m tapering off the Clozaril, in fact, I took my last dose last night. I REALLY really really really don’t want to have to take it any more so I REALLY need to pull my shit together. I’ve been doing a lot of self-sabotaging behavior, like 1) Using marijuana, which I know makes me more depressed and 2) Isolating and 3) Watching shit tv. I got together with a friend today and confessed to her what I’ve been doing. It seemed like a logical first step might be to burn the ol’ Medical Marijuana card, so we went ahead and did that. We ripped it up, then burned it in an abalone shell, then burned some cleansing sage. It felt like a good and meaningful first step. When I got home I got out my stash of pipes and pot and threw them in the dumpster.
The final thing to go was a bag of charcoal that I had bought back in January when I was suicidal. At the time I wasn’t allowed to drive and didn’t even have my car at home. I had walked down to the grocery store and bought the charcoal with the intention of lighting it in the garage, thinking it’d probably create enough carbon monoxide to kill me. Holding on to that bag of charcoal all this time was like holding on to the idea of suicide as an option. I need to take it off the table. I need to stop considering suicide as an option. I can’t do that to my dear family and my beloved nieces and nephews. I need to value my life and do whatever it takes to make it worth living.
So, bye-bye charcoal. Good-bye, marijuana. Hello again, twelve-step meetings! I do not have the ability to use substances in a controlled or low-key manner. I need to embrace sobriety. I am beginning a new chapter to the saga. Wish me luck!