Back From CA

Well I had a pretty good trip to California. It was interesting that the threads of Mental Illness and Addiction were woven through the family reunion, with two cousins being in treatment, one for addiction and one for mental health issues, and another cousin telling me that her son suffers from severe depression. There was a vibe coming from the whole family like, let’s lift the veil of secrecy regarding these issues and talk about some of what is definitely our family legacy, genetically. We do have a rich history of mental illness, ranging from Depression to Bipolar to Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as a ton of drug and alcohol dependency. No judgments, that’s just the way it is. With the few relatives that I told what’s really going on with me, that being serious Bipolar Depression and being on Disability since December 2013, I felt very loved, supported, and absolutely not judged. It was a revelation.

One of my dearest cousins, who is so short and petite that I have always referred to her as The Pixie, strongly encouraged me to begin both a yoga practice and a daily meditation practice. She pointed out that there are several credible studies that show a decrease in Depression among those who practice daily meditation and yoga. So, I started today. I did a short guided meditation on You Tube (I will seek out deeper meditation support at the Boulder Shambala Center) and then did a twenty-minute yoga class that I found on my cable’s On Demand selection.

I have emailed a request to the Boulder YWCA for career counseling services, as I am very keen to take the Strong Interest Inventory to see what else I might be suited for since I do NOT want to go back to IT, when I do go back to work. The YWCA is closed this week so I’ll have to be patient and wait for a response.

I had a phone call from the private disability company just checking my status and this stresses me out to no end, as I am terrified of them withholding that monthly check. I could not function in a job right now, with my mood so up and down. Mostly down. I am going to have to use my DBT skills to manage the stress, I suppose. I just scheduled a session with a new DBT therapist, I have to wait a couple of weeks to see her. I am still trying to come up with a reason to live and something to feel excited about. Survival just isn’t that appealing to me, I hate to say. But I will keep trying.

If you’ve read this all the way to the end, thank you. I am not my bright sparkly self right now. Hope your week is going well. Peaches! BPOF

5 thoughts on “Back From CA

  1. My sweet friend! Isn’t it amazing what the divine shows when we are ready? Just being among your family, now in this stage of your life, and seeing that others suffer from similar experiences, makes you realize you are not alone. You have never been alone. And, you are going to be fine. Fear is such a bitch. It conjures up these insecurities and self-doubt that become real in our waking moments. Ego has a way of torturing us, doesn’t it. I promise that in some short amount of time you will not have to have this feeling of “surviving” and you will begin to “live.” I love you, sweetness. I am here for you. You aren’t alone in this journey. You have so many who care for you. Stretch your arms out and you will be caught. Until then…have a blessed morning.

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