I was just thinking, if my blog name wasn’t Bipolaronfire, I think I’d like it to be VaJayJay. It has such a nice ring to it!! I know, totally random but there you go. This is a stream of consciousness blog, for better or for worse, mostly for worse.
Happy Day Before Thanksgiving, Americans! Or should I say Merry Christmas? Because that shit is EVERYWHERE!!! Man I went to Target yesterday and there was about SIX HUNDRED aisles of Christmas shit!! Wow!! Gotta get that money!
Oh, oh, I bought a pair of jeans! That FIT! I don’t have this great big muffin-top from the waist being too tight. SO EXCITING!! It’s the little things . . . I needed a decent pair of jeans (black) to go with my black and blue Tampa Bay Lightning shirt because I’m going to the hockey game tonight with my Meetup group!! My only other option was a pair of those nylon swishy sweatpants, you know? I would have looked like a fucking BUM! These jeans look good. And I hope those players beat the SHIT out of each other!! That is the funnest part of hockey.
Well I am not too worried about Thanksgiving. I will be here with my friend who I’m staying with, her boyfriend and her son. Friend is going to make the traditional Thanksgiving shit. I plan on stuffing myself to the verge of vomiting, and then falling asleep. Happy Thanksgiving!!
It’s rainy today, and I’m tempted to just stay in and binge on Netflix. But, there’s also this place I heard of, Apollo Beach, where the manatees just chill. I’ve never seen a manatee in real life so I’m very tempted to hop in the car and drive over there with my camera. The thing is, it’s over an hour’s drive. And driving in Florida SUCKS!! The stoplights take forever and drivers are rude, rude, RUDE!! Not sure if I can rouse myself, I’m going to think about it for a little bit. In the meantime, I’m going to say Hi to my friend Orange Is The New Black. Hopefully I’ll get bored and the boredom will propel me to ACTION! Have a happy day, people.
UPDATE: I got through the Meals on Wheels delivery relatively painlessly. I only really got lost once. Picked up my prescriptions from Walgreens, first time I didn’t have to wait!!! I took a long walk on the beach which helped my mood immensely. By the end of the walk I was feeling the gratitude. Holy crap is exercise my Lord and Savior lately!! Peace!
I’m sinking. I should be having an ECT treatment today. It’s been four weeks. I have an appointment for an ECT consult on December 8th. That’s kind of a long way away, because that’s not even the ECT appointment. Just the consult. I’ve called the provider and asked if they could get me in sooner. I was told I’d get a call back, but I never did. Sadface. You know, when someone is fighting depression, it’s very hard for them to advocate for themselves. Why are these fuckers making it so hard?
Also, this fucking Walgreens. I have four prescriptions to pick up. I went to the drive through yesterday and sat there for five minutes with no movement. So I said “Fuck it” and took off. I don’t want to go sit there and wait! And wait! And wait! And I don’t even know if they’ll give me the damn scripts because I haven’t gotten a Florida ID yet. Oh fuck my life.
Yesterday’s sermon at Unity Church was on Radical Gratitude. I know I have a lot to be grateful for. A wonderfully supportive family, getting this hefty private disability check every month, living at the beach . . . yeah. It’s just so hard to feel it. I don’t do well when I have so much insecurity in my life. Part of me just wants to hop in the car and head back to Colorado, where I know I can get the care and medicine I need, without any obstacles. It’s just so hard to fight. I don’t have a lot of fight in me.
Today I’m delivering for Meals on Wheels and I started worrying about it at 4 am. Dreaming about it, wondering if I’d be able to find people’s houses. Part of the reason I decided to do it was that I thought it would help familiarize me with the area. And I think it will! It’s just so hard, being outside of my comfort zone. Practically everything I do here is outside of my comfort zone. Driving, trying to find my way. Going to Meetups, where I know no one. Well, I have met some people at one of the Meetups. I’m just feeling so vulnerable!!!
Ok I just called the ECT provider and they’re going to send me the orders for labs and a release form to fill out and send to Colorado so they can get my records. Hopefully this speeds up the process. Hold a good thought for me, blogosphere!! I’m off to deliver meals!
Thank you Broken Light, for sharing my pic! ❤ ❤ ❤
Photo taken by contributor Bipolar On Fire, a woman in her forties from Boulder, Colorado, who suffers from severe depression, bipolar disorder, and fibromyalgia. She passionately loves photography, writing, music, and her many other creative artistic endeavors. Her aim in life is to create beauty and bring joy to the lives of others through her creations and words.
About this photo: “I’ve come to Florida for the winter to try to stave off the winter blues. Although I am very lonely without my family and friends around me, I am trying to adjust. Going to the beach and walking in the water barefoot is a special kind of therapy for me. I try to do it every day.”
Find more from Bipolar On Fire at her blog.
I have been collecting shells at the beach. I am going to make my sister and her girlfriend a Shell Jar (buy a glass jar, fill it with shells, voila! A Shell Jar). I only want the most perfect shells for the shell jar. Two of the most perfect, gorgeous shells I found had something living in them. Rather than flinging them back into the ocean and admonishing them to “LIVE!”, I picked them up, thinking sorry little suckers, you gotta die. And now I’ve been waiting . . . and waiting . . . for them to die and leave their shell-homes. My guilt over killing these little shell-beings is proportionate to the stink they are causing. It’s disgusting! Little gushy things are starting to come out of the shells. Ohhhhh it’s gross. One thing I can tell you is that I have learned from this experience. Never again will I bring a live thing home. I feel guilty! I feel like a murderer. What is this doing to my karma? I’m probably going to step on something sharp and infectious at the beach. I’m sorry, little shell gushies! Never again, ok?
Oh Walgreens! You motherfucker!! You know what a pain in the ass it is to get Clozaril. You have to get bloodwork every two weeks (every week for the first six months). The bloodwork gets sent to your doctor and to the pharmacy. Then the pharmacy refills the prescription. Two weeks’ worth of medicine. Right? Wrong! It doesn’t work that way in Florida! In Florida, the doctor has to fax a specific Clozaril Access Form to the pharmacy. Did anyone tell me this? NO! When I called the pharmacy yesterday to see if they’d received my labwork, they said Yes, they had, and my prescription was ready. Then I got an email from Walgreens saying my prescription for Clozaril was ready. TWO CONFIRMATIONS that my prescription was ready. So, I go to pick it up. Is it ready? NO! Because they didn’t get that fucking form from my doctor. Why in God’s name did Walgreens tell me TWICE that the prescription was ready? It’s one of life’s great mysteries. So here I sit, two doses of Clozaril left, phone message left for my doctor in Colorado, panicking because if I miss a dose of Clozaril it’s curtains, people!! My mood will crash! And being out in Florida, away from my support system, this just CANNOT HAPPEN!!! Jesus Christ why oh WHY is it such a fucking pain in the ass to be on Clozaril???? And Walgreens (Walgreens in Florida, specifically), I fucking hate you.
I went to Unity Church in Clearwater, Florida for the first time yesterday, and the topic of the sermon was Radical Forgiveness. It was very thought-provoking and I thought about the people in my life whom I considered unforgiveable. The pastor, who was incredible, likened withholding forgiveness to me drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. The withholding of forgiveness really causes ME to suffer, NOT the person who hurt me. It doesn’t affect the other person at all. There are two people I can think of whom I consider unforgiveable: The first being the boyfriend who beat me up on my thirty-fifth birthday. That experience damaged me beyond belief. It hurt me down to my soul. I haven’t allowed another man to come close enough to me to love me since. And that was thirteen years ago! Who is suffering because of a lack of forgiveness? Me. Only me. This man has gone about his merry way. The second person who I have a hard time forgiving is my youngest sister. She is one of those people who takes the most tender, vulnerable parts of me, and uses them to hurt me. She has no rules when it comes to what comes out of her mouth. She will do anything she can to injure me. So I have no relationship with her, out of self-protection.
The Unity pastor suggested that we take a big yellow legal pad, and fill the front and back of a page, every day, for a week, writing “I deeply and completely forgive -________.” I don’t have a yellow legal pad but I do have a lined journal that will work just as well. I am going to take this challenge, because you know what? I want love in my life. I want healing. I want to stop drinking the poison. This doesn’t mean that I’m saying that what that boyfriend did to me was ok, it was absolutely NOT ok. It means that I am releasing the hurt that sits on my soul, which prevents me from allowing love in. This doesn’t mean that I’m opening myself up to my sister, I’m not. I know that what she has done in the past, she will do again. It means that I see her as a child of God, and that I am praying for her wholeness and happiness. I know what holding on to the pain and hurt has gotten me, this week I’m going to experiment with letting it go. If you can, if you have the need, please join me. Have a great week, everybody.
Hey there. Bipolaronfire, Florida Edition here. I gotta tell you, I pulled off a masterful manipulation with Dr. BigHeart at my last ECT appointment. I got him to prescribe me a stimulant (angels singing). Because I have no “Get Up And Go” in the mornings. It’s like I never quite sleep off the Clozaril/Clonazepam/Progesterone BAM BAM BAM that I do at night. So I convinced Dr. BigHeart that I needed a little kick in the morning. He prescribed Vyvanse 30 mg. Today is my first day of taking it. So far, I am still in the bed. I got up (ok woke up, I haven’t gotten up) two and a half hours ago. I still have hope that I will float off this bed and start exercising in the Florida sunshine. Actually, it’s a requirement that I’ve given myself. I WILL go to the beach today and I WILL walk and I WILL ride my roomie’s bike to the beach (it’s a killer ride) Not in that order but you get the gist, right?. I’m setting a deadline of Noon to get going, I have to go to the store to buy a bike lock and a hat to protect my poor scalp from burning. Then, off to the races! I’ll let you know how it goes. How is your November 6th going? Peaches!
Three long days of driving have brought me to my destination: St. Petersburg, Florida. My winter home. My attempt at staying out of the mental hospital this winter. I had a wonderful drive with my sister and then a day at the beach with her yesterday before putting her on a plane (sob). I am now here with my friend and her boyfriend, I have no idea how this is going to go. It’s time to start a new life, oh boy. It’s a tad bit overwhelming so I’m going to make a list of things to do today, including making an ECT appointment for a month out, finding a lab for my Clozaril bloodwork, finding a pharmacy, and following up with my goddamned insurance company, which is trying to pull a fast one on me and all of a sudden saying that treatment for ECT at the last hospital is Out Of Network, after it’s been considered In-Network since last February. I HATE that shit!!
It is very beautiful here and I can ride a bike to the beach. We rode bikes yesterday, just about blowing out our lungs riding them (cruiser bikes, no gears) over the causeway which is a very high hill. It was good exercise I suppose. The beach is beautiful, covered in shells, sea birds walking around close to us, pelicans diving in the water, and not a scrap of trash anywhere. I believe I will go exploring today and try out another beach, and have a nice walk with my feet in the water J.
Hope everyone is faring well as Winter begins for many of you, if it gets too bad then come on out to Florida to escape! Peaches!