UPDATE:  I got through the Meals on Wheels delivery relatively painlessly.  I only really got lost once.  Picked up my prescriptions from Walgreens, first time I didn’t have to wait!!!  I took a long walk on the beach which helped my mood immensely.  By the end of the walk I was feeling the gratitude.  Holy crap is exercise my Lord and Savior lately!!  Peace!



I’m sinking. I should be having an ECT treatment today. It’s been four weeks. I have an appointment for an ECT consult on December 8th. That’s kind of a long way away, because that’s not even the ECT appointment. Just the consult. I’ve called the provider and asked if they could get me in sooner. I was told I’d get a call back, but I never did. Sadface. You know, when someone is fighting depression, it’s very hard for them to advocate for themselves. Why are these fuckers making it so hard?
Also, this fucking Walgreens. I have four prescriptions to pick up. I went to the drive through yesterday and sat there for five minutes with no movement. So I said “Fuck it” and took off. I don’t want to go sit there and wait! And wait! And wait! And I don’t even know if they’ll give me the damn scripts because I haven’t gotten a Florida ID yet. Oh fuck my life.
Yesterday’s sermon at Unity Church was on Radical Gratitude. I know I have a lot to be grateful for. A wonderfully supportive family, getting this hefty private disability check every month, living at the beach . . . yeah. It’s just so hard to feel it. I don’t do well when I have so much insecurity in my life. Part of me just wants to hop in the car and head back to Colorado, where I know I can get the care and medicine I need, without any obstacles. It’s just so hard to fight. I don’t have a lot of fight in me.
Today I’m delivering for Meals on Wheels and I started worrying about it at 4 am. Dreaming about it, wondering if I’d be able to find people’s houses. Part of the reason I decided to do it was that I thought it would help familiarize me with the area. And I think it will! It’s just so hard, being outside of my comfort zone. Practically everything I do here is outside of my comfort zone. Driving, trying to find my way. Going to Meetups, where I know no one. Well, I have met some people at one of the Meetups. I’m just feeling so vulnerable!!!
Ok I just called the ECT provider and they’re going to send me the orders for labs and a release form to fill out and send to Colorado so they can get my records. Hopefully this speeds up the process. Hold a good thought for me, blogosphere!! I’m off to deliver meals!

10 thoughts on “Sinking

  1. Honey, although we’ve never met, I feel connected with you and I adore you – I really do! You are so incredibly brave. You’re taking on challenges that most “normies” in our world would never even put themselves through.

    You’ll be in my thoughts all day. I hope you get that ECT call re: consult TODAY! By the way, you are INCREDIBLE for delivering Meals on Wheels! Here you are, helping others. c’mon Universe, give our sweet, sweet friend a BREAK! Like, uh, now? xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    Love you!!!!!!

    • Thank you so much, DyDy!!! I successfully delivered Meals on Wheels without getting too lost, thank goodness!!!! Picked up prescriptions and there’s just one mistake. 30 Bupropion instead of 90. Eek!! I have to call them now. Goodie!!

      I really, really, really appreciate the love & support ❤ ❤ ❤

  2. You’ve got a lot going on. Excellent idea using Meals on Wheels to learn how to get around. Whenever I moved to a new city I’d drive around until I got lost and then had to find my way out. It was effective, but you’re doing it with purpose. I’m sending good vibes that you’ll get the ECT sooner.

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