Get The Fuck Out!!!

STARFISH

Right now I am kind of in the shits, and it’s a struggle to do ANYTHING.  I actually got out to Fort DeSoto Beach today.  I was ready to spend another day on the couch, in front of the fucking idiot box, but somehow lord jesus I got my ass in gear and got going.  This is the first starfish I’ve seen on a Florida beach.  It was a little sucker, probably 4″ across.  I didn’t disturb it, just photo’d it.  I’m glad I got out and walked the beach.

I’m home now, a little sad because I know my family in Colorado is having a birthday celebration for one of my sisters and one of my brothers.  I am sad to miss the celebration.  I’m a big fucking baby.  I’m trying to focus on enjoying everything Florida has to offer for this last month.  Hope you all have a rockin’ weekend.  ❤

 

A Sore Jaw. And Not Even A Fun Reason For It!

I’ve been eating on the left side of my mouth since last Wednesday, when the great dental bankruptcy experience began.  Off came a bridge, out came a tooth, in went a silicone plug to aid healing, and then stitches.  The instructions were, eat soft foods, only on the left side.  Almost a week later, my jaw is sore.  I guess from only eating on one side?  Fuck if I know.  I can think of much funner ways to get a sore jaw. (Cue Barbara Streisand singing Memorieeeessssssssss).  DAMN I miss the perverted life I lived when I was manic!

Now I eat oatmeal, pudding and yogurt.  I drink smoothies.  I don’t even drink alcohol, since my epic New Year’s Day hangover.  Yeah.  I thought that Grey Goose didn’t give me hangovers.  I guess half a bottle does.  So the other half sits in my freezer, waiting for a lapse in judgment.  I’ve got one marijuana lozenge left, then I’ll be back to total Straightsville.  Sometimes it hits me:  I really need a life!

I have a little more than a month left in Florida, then it’s back to Colorado.  Back to family.  Friends.  Marijuana stores.  And what else?  I need to come up with a plan.  I’m seeing the “Couldn’t Give Less Of A Shit” psychiatrist today, can’t wait!  In the meantime I need to get to the beach and get a walk in.   <———— Since this was written, the rain stole my hopes for a walk.

I don’t usually do this, but I’ve taken all day to write this shitty little post.  And I have to say, I may have to re-think the part about the psychiatrist not giving a shit.  When he was going over my bloodwork (required for the Clozaril) he noticed that my white blood cell count had gone up.  This is just based on his remembering my count from a month ago.  This is a guy who sees probably four clients per hour.  Thirty-two clients per day.  Six hundred and forty clients in a month. I have to say, I was floored!!  He just remembered??  Even I had no idea…

I talked to the doc about doing TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) instead of ECT.  He said he could do it, but the initial treatment is five days per week for six weeks.  That is not feasible since I’m only here for another month.  So I guess I’ll just keep up the ECT maintenance treatments for now, and then look into TMS when I get back to Colorado.  The big benefit of TMS is that no anesthesia is required.

I am going back to the dentist tomorrow, not sure what he’s going to do but I’m a very nervous dental patient.  I’m going to try to get some exercise in before the appointment tomorrow.  That, and meditation.  We’ll see how it goes!  Hope you’re all having a delicious week!  Peaches!

Happy Belated VD

Oh my lovers, hope you had a great Valentines Day!  Even if you’re like me and spent it alone, on a beach, reading a book.  There’s a lot to love about that!  I did get two lovin’ phone calls, one from my oldest sister and one from my parents.  Talking with my parents was a special time, they were reliving their visit to Florida, and in particular Tarpon Springs, which my Mom referred to as Tampon Springs.  Oh, Mommy!  You are so accidentally funny.  Tarpon Springs will forever be Tampon Springs to me.  Oh the pictures my mind conjures up!!

So I started reading a new book, actually two.  One for enjoyment, which I got from this little library box across from my house.  It’s a place where you go put in a book, and take another out.  I lucked out and got a good one.  The other book I am reading, I bought probably six months ago.  It’s more of a “homework” book.  It’s called What Color Is Your Parachute and it’s both a job search guide and an aide in career-switching.  Since I absolutely HATE my old IT career, I am trying to come up with a new idea that I can really, realistically do.  There’s a lot of work involved, writing, and thinking.  I am really committed to doing this work, and coming up with a better idea for my next career move.  I think, no I KNOW, that this well help me to have more hope for the future. 🙂

I am going to Fort De Soto Beach with two girlfriends today.  It’s a beautiful, clear day and hopefully we’ll see some dolphins, that’s what that area is known for.  Have a delicious Sunday!

What’s New?

Hello!  What’s new in your world?  Not much new for me, I am on terminal hold with my health insurance company, I’m sure you’ve heard me bitch about them before, but my calls are never under thirty minutes and usually forty-five to an hour.  All to get those fuckers to pay for what they’re supposed to pay for.  Oh, it’s painful.  Blue Cross and Blue Shield of North Carolina, I’m not afraid to say publicly that YOU SUCK!!!  Just pay the damn claims already!  Ok.  Rant done.

I had therapy today, I am still seeing my therapist from Colorado via Skype.  It is just so damn comforting to see her!  And guess what?  I didn’t even cry once!  😀 😀 😀   That must be a record.  She is so good at helping me focus on the positive, and on the desired behavior.  I can get quite stuck in the mud, she helps me and encourages me to get moving.

Today I did something different at the start of my day.  I usually have this very rigid morning routine involving drinking coffee, catching up on email, Facebook, trashy celebrity gossip sites, and then of course WordPress, and if I don’t get to do all of that I get VERY grouchy!  Well, knowing how good the morning light is for a depressed person, I got up, got dressed and went for a walk across the street in the nature park.  I put on my headphones and turned on a Deepak Chopra meditation.  It’s a pretty snazzy app, there are a bunch of different soundtracks you can choose, as well as a bunch of different guided meditations.  Then you set the timer for how long you want.  I set it for twenty five minutes and off I went.  Well!!  All was going well until I encountered a part of the path that was under water, so I’m like, hey!  I’ll just walk around the water on the grass.  Well, the grass turned out to be a muddy bog that sucked my shoes off and I stepped right into the shit with my socks!  Delight!  So fuck it I retrieved my shoes and kept walking with a squish in my step.  I ran into several more watery areas of the path, and I just held up the bottom of my sweatpants and walked right through them.  Wet, wet, wet!  What the fuck!  I just kept repeating the mantra of the meditation, and the beautiful nature all around was a worthy consolation.

So while I was on with my therapist I made a list of things I’d like to try to do every day (I know I’m all over the place here, please roll with it).  Here’s the list:

1) Meditate

2) Read “What Color Is Your Parachute” (to try to figure out what the fuck I want to do as my next career)

3) Exercise (the magic formula that makes life better)

4) See something new

I will try doing all this shit for the next week and let you know how it goes.  Please feel free to join me in my new regimen!  Toodles, BPOF!

 

UPDATE:  After ONE HOUR AND FORTY MINUTES on the phone with Blue Cross Blue Shield of North Carolina, I have some hopes that they will adjust the claim correctly, i.e. In-Network as opposed to Out-Of-Network, which equals me paying $0 vs $654.  I really hope they do the right thing this time.  It is RIDICULOUS how much time I have to spend fighting them to cover what they’re supposed to cover.

What goes up . . .

Well I am finally done having visitors.  First, my parents were here for two and a half weeks.  I honestly didn’t know how I would handle so much time with others since I’m used to being alone, alone, alone but it was really good to have the ‘rents here.  Then, just as they were leaving, my sister M came for a long weekend to celebrate her fiftieth birthday.  We are so close and we had just a wonderful time.  Talking about everything in the world, going to the beach, walking here there and everywhere, laughing, and, my gift to her, swimming with the manatees.  Yes.  It was incredible and I highly recommend it, if you ever have the chance!!  We spent two and a half glorious hours in the waters of Homosassa Springs, snorkeling about with these gentle giants.  It was spectacular!!  I just tooled around in the water, saying “Thank you, God!  Thank you God!”

I was so sad to drop my sister off at the airport on Monday afternoon.  What a downer to be alone again.  I had an ECT treatment yesterday, and they made me take a drug test!  Why?  I don’t know.  I really don’t like this ECT provider at all.  And I don’t know if the ECT is helping.  At first, I thought yes.  Then today, when I just plain didn’t want to wake up, I said, why do I bother?

Well, time to find some other meaning in my life.  I can’t just live from one visit to the other.  I think I might go to the botanical gardens today.  I think getting out of my comfort zone and doing new things is good for me.  I did a lot of it while my parents were here and I need to keep it up.

So, how is life in your world? ❤