Do you use Firefox? If so, are you as sick of all the damn tracking and targeted advertisements as I am? I KNOW!!! I changed my privacy settings to stop the tracking and the third party cookies, and now I have to log in to every-fucking-thing every time I go to the site, and Fuckbook makes me login about every ten minutes. FIREFOX’S REVENGE!!! Well, FUCK YOU, FIREFOX!! I’ll live with a few (hundred) extra logins to avoid the ultra-annoying ads every time I turn around. Damn!! I google something stupid like “pocket pussy” (because I’ve never seen one before, and a girlfriend of mine told me she found one in her ex’s bathroom) and Fuckbook starts advertising Pocket Pussies on the side of their page!! Always and forever!!! That is RIDICULON!!! So you see why I rant. Part of it is Google and part of it is Firefox. Together they are the Devil Incarnate.
I am excited to see the BLOOD MOON tonight. Pictures tomorrow. Be afraid.
Yesterday I said I was about to go on a life-affirming hike. This is the kind of beauty that is practically right outside my door – this is about a mile from my house. Can you say GRATITUDE???? Boulder is full of beauty and Open Space for people to enjoy it. I am so grateful for that!!! Have a great Monday, people!!!!!
Well, many of you know that I reside in the People’s Republic of Boulder, Colorado, where marijuana can be purchased on nearly any block of this small city. At a store. Legally. I have been abstaining from substance use and abuse, both marijuana and alcohol, for quite a few months now. They both make my depression worse. I usually like to use Indica (In Da Couch, or the kind of pot that just knocks your ass out) at the end of the day to wind down. I don’t have much use for Sativa, which is more energizing, because I don’t want to be stoned during the day. I want to get stoned at night and sleep like a log. But what I find happens when I use Indica is that almost immediately, 1) I start using it every day, and 2) I do NOT want to be around people! Not just when I’m stoned, but the next day too. Which is REALLY bad for my depression, because I already tend to isolate. Indica makes me want to hyper-isolate. So, for all of these reasons, it’s best that I don’t use substances.
What I’m finding now that I’m living with my sister and her two kids again, and participating more in their lives as a member of the family, not just participating but contributing, is that by the end of the day I can be pretty exhausted. A lot of days, I haven’t had time to myself, which I’m used to having (loads of it). Since I’m more introverted, I recharge my batteries with alone time. By the end of the day, I feel like I want to wind down by using substances. I guess for me using substances would be a shortcut to get chilled out. I want the buzz, man!!!! I want it bad!!! Some days I just want a drink so bad, JUST ONE, but in addition to being worried about getting back on the substance abuse roller coaster, I’m super-worried about how alcohol might impact my medication cocktail, which is substantial. I don’t take just one or two meds, no way, man I’m COMPLICATED!! I think I’m on about TEN!! Not just psychiatric, but other stuff too. So some nights when I really want a drink, I mix up a glass of Pure Raspberry Lemonade or Cherry Limeade. No this is not an advertisement, I just want you to know that brand because THE SHIT IS GOOD!!! I think it might be made with Stevia as the sweetener. Anyway, it has a kind of tang that somewhat satisfies my craving for a drink.
Long post, but I know I’m not the only Bipolar who has and does struggle with substance abuse issues. Please share how you “deal” too. I’m off for a life-affirming hike. Peach out and LOVE!
I know I said in my last post that my sister, her two kids and I moved into a new house last month. Not a new house per se, but new for us. Well, I am happy to report that I am becoming quite the carpenter!! I have done the usual hanging of pictures, putting up closet shelves and anchoring them to the wall, etc. That’s old hat. But! My poor sister doesn’t have any storage space since I’m in her basement. So we need to create storage in the garage. I brought a GIGANTOR set of metal shelves (kind of like kitchen shelves) which we put in the garage and M promptly filled, and I mean stuffed full! I scoped out Wally World (I hate that place but the prices! I know, no ethics) and found some shelves that were six feet tall and four feet wide, that could hold 4,000 pounds. Overkill? Perhaps. M went and purchased them after five attempts at getting customer service. Those shelves are heavier than SHIT! Finally she had to call the store…from within the store! And she’s like . . . yeah . . . I can’t get anyone to come help me pick up these shelves and put them on a cart so I can pay for them. They shouldn’t make you work so hard to give them money!! I sometimes yell this at people when I get really bad customer service. It’s TRUE!
To make a short story long, I assembled the shelves over the weekend, and the design was, how do I say this . . . STUPID? So it really really really needed to be anchored and I mean ANCHORED to the studs in the garage so that stuff wouldn’t fall off the high shelves onto people’s heads. Or so that the shelves themselves (looky there I made a rhyme) didn’t fall onto people’s heads. Wellllll I hadn’t showered so I just put on a hat and took myself to Home Depot and got lucky-lucky! Not sex-lucky, man would that have been fun! But weird. At Home Depot. I got lucky in that I found a guy to measure and cut me some 2×4’s and he was so nice. So I got my wood, my hardware, etc, easy, cheap and fast. (That’s what HE said).
So I got those 2×4’s into the studs, then anchored the shelves to the 2×4’s and they are SOLID! SOLID AS A ROCK! (Remember that song?) Ahhhhh a job well-done feels so good!!!
Yesterday, a whole different story. Get ready for a left turn. The easiest way to say this is that I’ve become a Kiddie-Hacker. My niece and nephew have been on their computers NON-STOP and we’re like, WTF are they doing??? They’re either on their computers or their phones, and when they’re on their phones they have headphones. My nephew is 14 and my niece is 10. My niece had the monitor of the desktop computer (nephew has a laptop) turned perpendicular to the wall, i.e. she wanted to make double-sure that we didn’t see ANYTHING she was doing. So…..I went looking yesterday to try to figure it out. And what I found was stomach turning.
I found that in this particular video game she was playing, she was lying about her age, and where it asks for a parent’s email address, she had put her own. There were inappropriate messages from other players. Then I hacked into her email and found emails to her friends that would make her Aunt proud, there were so many fucks, hells, and shits, if not for the fact that she’s TEN YEARS OLD!!! I passed it on to her poor mother to deal with, along with her email password. It was a troubling day, to say the least. It makes me think that there’s an opportunity out there, to help parents check out what their kids are doing. So many parents are not as technically savvy as their kids. And so many kids, my niece included, seem so much more innocent than they are!
In other areas of life, I am glad, GLAD to say that I’ve lost ten pounds so far since getting off that fucker Clozaril. I am trying to exercise every day, and I’m also working on my diet, i.e. wayyyyy less sugar, and eating fruits and vegetables every day. Foreign concepts that I’m trying to make my own. Dr. Drugs is having a BLAST tinkering with his chemistry experiment that is me and I’ve been seeing him every two weeks because he keeps making so many damn changes to my drug regimen. I’m seeing my therapist every week and that’s just fabulous. I guess that’s about it!! You’re caught up. What’s new in your world??
Ever since last September I have been without a home. I haven’t been homeless in the classical sense, but at the end of August I moved out of my apartment, put everything in storage and prepared to spend the winter in Florida. From September 1 to October 31 and from April 1 to now, I’ve stayed with various family members (I had a micro-apartment during the winter in Florida which was perfect for me).
Finally, a change! My sister who I stayed with quite a bit (along with her two kids) in a town about 10 miles east of Boulder made a decision to sell her house and move to Boulder. If you know anything about Boulder, you know that real estate prices are CRAZY!!! Whether it’s renting or buying, you need a boatload of money to live in Boulder. Since the real estate market is really hot, my sister had no trouble selling her house, but she was having trouble finding a house in Boulder in her price range. She was looking for a place for just her and her kids. I proposed that she add me as her permanent roommate, and I’d kick in a chunk of money towards the mortgage, so that she could afford more house. And voila! She found a beautiful house. I think really that there was some Divine Intervention involved as well, because you would not believe the stories we heard of bidding wars, and people coming in with all cash offers on MILLION DOLLAR PROPERTIES!!!
So, here we are. For the first time in a year, I am sleeping in my own bed again, and I can’t even TELL you how good it feels!!!! I was asking myself before, “is it REALLY that comfortable, or am I just imagining it?” Well, it really IS that comfortable!! It is hard to get out of it.
The house has a finished basement that’s done really, really nicely with remote-controlled recessed lighting, berber carpet, a beautifully remodeled bathroom, a living room and a bedroom. And it’s MINE, all MINE!!! So in addition to my bed & dresser, I get to have my couch, chair, ottoman, desk, and, most importantly, MY TV!!! I am just so excited and happy to have my own space again. Have I told you how great it feels? WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Being off the Clozaril is still doing me good. Of the 33 pounds I gained, so far I have lost 8. I think it’s all in my belly. Starting to lose the weight feels great. Dr. Drugs INSISTED that I start taking Abilify (my nemesis, see https://bipolaronfire.com/2013/03/05/abilify-commercial-wtf/ and https://bipolaronfire.com/2013/04/01/abilify-wtf-again-i-say/). I am having to taper off the Lithium, dammit, because it is causing me to have to pee pretty much constantly. It’s hard to get a good night’s sleep in one-hour increments.
I have all day today and tomorrow uninterrupted to unpack and create some order out of chaos in my new space, I am going to work my ass off and then maybe sleep all day on Monday, yay! Hope you all have a great last weekend of summer! (Sob). PEACH OUT!!