Well, many of you know that I reside in the People’s Republic of Boulder, Colorado, where marijuana can be purchased on nearly any block of this small city. At a store. Legally. I have been abstaining from substance use and abuse, both marijuana and alcohol, for quite a few months now. They both make my depression worse. I usually like to use Indica (In Da Couch, or the kind of pot that just knocks your ass out) at the end of the day to wind down. I don’t have much use for Sativa, which is more energizing, because I don’t want to be stoned during the day. I want to get stoned at night and sleep like a log. But what I find happens when I use Indica is that almost immediately, 1) I start using it every day, and 2) I do NOT want to be around people! Not just when I’m stoned, but the next day too. Which is REALLY bad for my depression, because I already tend to isolate. Indica makes me want to hyper-isolate. So, for all of these reasons, it’s best that I don’t use substances.
What I’m finding now that I’m living with my sister and her two kids again, and participating more in their lives as a member of the family, not just participating but contributing, is that by the end of the day I can be pretty exhausted. A lot of days, I haven’t had time to myself, which I’m used to having (loads of it). Since I’m more introverted, I recharge my batteries with alone time. By the end of the day, I feel like I want to wind down by using substances. I guess for me using substances would be a shortcut to get chilled out. I want the buzz, man!!!! I want it bad!!! Some days I just want a drink so bad, JUST ONE, but in addition to being worried about getting back on the substance abuse roller coaster, I’m super-worried about how alcohol might impact my medication cocktail, which is substantial. I don’t take just one or two meds, no way, man I’m COMPLICATED!! I think I’m on about TEN!! Not just psychiatric, but other stuff too. So some nights when I really want a drink, I mix up a glass of Pure Raspberry Lemonade or Cherry Limeade. No this is not an advertisement, I just want you to know that brand because THE SHIT IS GOOD!!! I think it might be made with Stevia as the sweetener. Anyway, it has a kind of tang that somewhat satisfies my craving for a drink.
Long post, but I know I’m not the only Bipolar who has and does struggle with substance abuse issues. Please share how you “deal” too. I’m off for a life-affirming hike. Peach out and LOVE!