Halloween Rantgasm

Really, is there any night like Halloween to go on a ranting binge? Yes?  No?  I agree!  Hmmm let’s see well I may have been set off by a sister and her idiotic text to me, here it is verbatim:  “I didn’t buy Halloween candy since I wasn’t going to be there to pass it out. So I doubt that you will want to answer the door tonight. Leave the porch light off.  I’ll be home later.”  Where oh where do I begin with this?  Would I not know not to answer the door?  And WHOA!  MAN!  Exactly where and how did she come up with the Ninja tactic of leaving the porch light off?????  I may have thought to blow out the candle on the jack o’lantern, but LEAVE THE PORCH LIGHT OFF??  I mean, what is she doing?  Hacking the dark web??  I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS.  AND why oh fucking WHY can’t I text her in bold on my fucking iPhone in a HUGE fucking font that fills the screen with


So. I texted her back.  Several hours later.  Several beers later.  “Thanks for telling me that magic trick about leaving the porch light off-30 years living on my own and I never even heard of that!”  And then to make it seem like I’m joking (and to totally mindfuck her) a bunch of pumpkin emojis!  Psych!

Uh. Yeah. There may be a problem with this sister being a bit Superior with a capital “S” and treating me like I’m a total idiot/mental case/child. At these times, a rage reaction ensues.  To my credit, I did take a long walk, fueled by negative thoughts, such as “earn your alcohol”, and, “the faster you walk, the sooner you can drink”, oh, and when I got a sideache, “Maybe it’s appendicitis, you’ll lose weight!”  So, even though it’s negative, it fueled me to have a totally fast, healthy walk.  I win!!

Hope you’re out there breaking up some fucking pumpkins with the best of them. Peach out.

7 thoughts on “Halloween Rantgasm

  1. I’m so sorry about that silliness with the sis. :0
    You could’ve texted her back to mess with her, writing (sadly, not in bold)
    “Oh, don’t worry! I just had a super-hot guy stop by with five bags of candy; he said he lives down the street and he didn’t need it! He saw that the porch light was off and because he has psychic gifts, he knew I needed candy! Gotta go – I see a crowd of cute kids lining up at the door!”
    Next year?
    I was going to go trick or treating with Craig, our two tater tots and their two best friends, whose parents are nice, and one even has clinic depression and takes meds, but the other ‘rent doesn’t get bipolar disorder and sometimes makes comments that trigger me. Even though I got all gussied up in my mysterious dark lady costume complete with Alice Cooper makeup, I decided to beg off. I said I was exhausted (true), blamed it on meds (kinda true, always) and he was cool about it. He likes our girls friends’ parents, so he went his merry little way and no one freaked.

    Lucy and I are here chillin’ on the couch, there is NO porch light on (we live on a death street full of asshole speeders, and no one trick or treats on it) and we’re watching “Ghost”, which I love. I just wish I had some evil chocolate Halloween candy to gobble.

    Sending you sweet peachy love and by the way, I’m superdooperpooperscooper proud of you for taking that walk!!!!!

  2. I love it: “I have a side ache. Maybe it’s appendicitis. Maybe I’ll lose weight.” My mind looks for the quickest weight lost option. Sorry your sister doesn’t realize you know how a light switch works.

  3. Ugh…I turned out the porch light just at dark, and then LarBear went for food, and I sat in a very dark house for over an hour, thinking at any minute someone would break in. “Just don’t answer the door!” Uh-huh! 😀

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