Wow, just when I feel like I’m really cookin’ with gas, I find out that I am actually cookin’ with gas! H. Pylori, to be exact. A stomach infection! What the holy hell?? An innocent little appointment with the gastroenterologist to check in and say, Hi, I haven’t been able to go without this here proton-pump-inhibitor for fourteen years, that’s all! My primary care physician says that’s kind of a long time. For someone who achieved her first ulcer at four years old, I say, fourteen years is not that bad. BUT! Allegedly, it’s not good to turn off all of the proton pumps in the stomach! What the fuck do I know? So, the gastroenterologist says, let’s do a few blood tests! Let’s do an upper endoscopy (scheduled for next week). I, being a person who loves to give up my blood and loves medical procedures even more, said sure!
So, I got a call back saying hey! You have H. Pylori, an infection in the stomach! Let’s get you on some antibiotics! No, not one antibiotic! Not even two! You get to take THREE antibiotics! Because you never get enough yeast infections!! Let’s go for total certainty!! So, I am on three antibiotics. I AM SO LUCKY!!! All those good microbes I was trying to cultivate in my gut with super-expensive probiotics should be wiped out in the next few hours. My guts keep gurgling ominously. There may be an explosion in my near future. Is that TMI?
I’ll tell you one side-effect of H. Pylori that I did not get: WEIGHT LOSS!! H. Pylori, you bitch!!! How could you deny me that????? I swear, my body doesn’t even do sick right!
Well I am off to the dentist to drain my bank account. I have some really good looking chompers, but man! They cost me thousands of dollars a year. If they ever find my dead body somewhere and go for dental identification, they’ll say “This fucker sure wasted a lot of money on her mouth!” I just thank Jugdish that I have the money to do it. For now, anyway. I’m gonna go eat a peach. Ow! The pit! That’ll be another seven hundred dollars . . .