Back From The Beach, Feeling Like A Bitch!

Dec 2015

Did you even know I was away? Well I WAS!  At the BEACH!  In FLORIDA!  And it was SPECTACULAR!!!  It was a one-week reprieve from the wicked Seasonal Affective Disorder I suffer from.  It was like magic!  Andddddd I came home to 16°, grey skies, snow on the ground, snow on my car, and so help me Jeebus, I didn’t cry, but I wanted to!  BAD!  Now I am fighting a Level 11 out of 10 bad fucking attitude and I don’t know what to do to get out of it.  I am sitting in front of the therapy light 1-2 hours per day and working out every day and still pretty much hating life.  DAMN this fucking cold weather!!  So help me GOD this is the LAST winter I spend in Colorado, I SWEAR!

To counteract that last paragraph, here are some positive things: 1.  I had a great Christmas in Florida, spent several hours at the beach, and swam in the ocean.  2.  We had a Christmas cookout and only one of my friend’s friends got drunk enough to ask me to pop out a boob.  Not too bad.  (Boob not popped)  3.  Upon return, the family Christmas #2 celebration on 12/27 went off without Dad losing his shit even once.  4.  I still have these awesome henna tattoos on my hands that make me look like a bad bitch!  These were done in Florida of course and they’re my souvenir.  Especially when I work out and have a t-shirt on, I feel like a beast, but in a good way.  5.  I met a sizzling-hot giant guy (I fucking love giants) at a party in Florida and it reminded me that I LOVE MEN and sort of put into perspective that I’m not an old lady yet, and I need to get my dating game back on point.  SO!  On to 2016 with a little bit of hope and a bit of a focus on where I want to go in the next year.  Which is, basically, fitness and fucking.  Ok!  Have a day.  Let me know how you are!

Snow Day!

Well that three inches we were supposed to get today has turned into a foot of snow, so far. It is still snowing.  I was having an awesome dream this morning that I had a robot (in my dream it was just called a bot) and it could drive me around and everything so I could just take a snooze in the passenger seat.  I was rudely awakened from this awesome dream by the pitter-patter of little feet upstairs.  What is this?  I thought.  Did someone miss their carpool ride?  I ran upstairs and my niece and nephew yelled “Snow Day” with glee.  I’m so glad it’s such a source of happiness for the little ones.  They have walked over to their Aunt’s house, my sister, who is a teacher, because she always makes cookies on snow days.  Meanwhile I am here at home, wondering what the FUCK I am going to do all day at home.  The good shit?  No, I’m all out.  Shit!  I’m even out of milk and yogurt, two staples of my diet.  And protein powder!  I am a smoothie fanatic.  I could walk to the grocery store, but that shit is DEEP!!  It might even go over the top of my boots.  Driving in this seems ill-advised, even in a four-wheel drive.  I may have to break down and walk to the store, just to break up the day.  I can hit the marijuana store too, if those losers managed to get in and open it.  They are not known for their stellar service.  What can you expect from a bunch of stoners?

The back of my brain just keeps chanting, four more days, four more days!!! Four more days until I am in Florida, where I can walk on the soft, powdery sand, in the warm water, looking for shells, swimming in the water, scaring myself that a shark is next to me, adrenaline pumping all the while, fuck that just increases the workout value!  If you never hear from me again after Saturday, it’ll be a pretty safe bet that a shark ate me.  But sharks almost NEVER eat people in Florida.  I should be good.

Today seems like a good day for some adult coloring. Adult coloring is different from kids’ coloring because they’re generally just awesome designs or shapes to color, and it’s not done with babyish crayons, but with awesome frosty colored pens.  I love the colors and I love the precision and trying to do it perfectly.  It’s  very mentally soothing.  I highly recommend it for those of you who haven’t tried it.  Don’t be embarrassed!  It’s a thing now!  There’s books, even at fucking Walmart for God’s sake!  So know that it’s “ok” to do.  Plus, I said so.

Well, maybe I’ll go get dressed. So much to do, so little time.  Haha, big lie.  But getting dressed seems like the thing to do at almost-noon.  I’m such an achiever!  Hope your day is fantastical, whatever life (and the weather) throws at you!  Peaches to yer Papa!!

Christmas Love Parade

This Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, has started a love parade that you absolutely MUST read (and then hopefully hop aboard)!  It is here:  http://thebloggess.com/2015/12/the-sixth-annual-james-garfield-miracle/  I swear to GOD if you read that blog and some of the comments and don’t start to cry, well, I don’t know what I will do.  IT’S JUST THAT GOOD.  I turned in some full-blown sobs, snot and EVERYTHING.  So I dare you, in fact I DOUBLE-DOG-DARE you to read that blog and try not to cry.  You just can’t do it!  And then do something good.  And then report back.  HUGS!!!!!

 

P.S.  This is me reporting back…I donated to Project Night Night.  It’s all my budget would allow but fuck I feel good knowing some little homeless kid is gonna get a blankie, book and stuffie from me.  YEAH, BITCHES!!

There’s Snow In The Air, But Sun In My Heart

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Well it’s Colorado, so you know it’s gonna snow. Have I mentioned that winter is not my favorite season?  Yesterday morning when I woke to snow falling, all I could do is sit in front of my therapy light for a full hour (yes that might be therapy light abuse) and thought about Florida, Florida, FLORIDA!  One week as of yesterday until I am in Florida and away from this dreaded winter!!!  Since none of my current clothes are going with me to Florida, I went ahead and packed.  Oh it got me so excited, I nearly came!  I rode a wave of Sunticipation all day.   This has also fueled my workouts, which I am still managing to do once a day (that exercise pill will keep the SAD head above water, I promise you) thanks to my sister and her wife, who gifted me with three months of a health club membership for my Christmas present.  When Dr. Drugs said he’d never seen a more supportive family than mine, well, that fucker wasn’t even kidding.  I feel  very supported and VERY grateful for my health club membership.  On the shittiest days, I can still go sweat it out.  Even just getting really hot is good for SAD, I think.

Today I will shop for my Secret Santa gift. Our family has given up getting each other gifts in favor of each of us buying one Secret Santa gift, and then we have this all-out war of a gift exchange, where you pick a gift under the tree, but the person after you can steal it from you if they like it, and someone can steal it from them, etc.  It is super-mean yet super-fun and it motivates everyone to get a pretty slammin’ gift.  I am going to fill my Boy Scouts Limited Edition Denver Broncos Popcorn tin with all sorts of excellent Broncos paraphernalia.  It should be the hit of the day.  Hopefully people won’t come to blows over it.  Well, it could go either way.  It might be fun to see my brothers rolling around on the floor trying to pry that tin from each other’s hands.  Hey!  A little hair-pulling never hurt anyone.  And what are we modeling for the next generation?  The kids do their own Secret Santa exchange too.  Fortunately this will be on December 27.  I return the 26th.  So I get to miss Christmas, and any accompanying nastiness that may come with the traditional family holiday (always happens).  I will just swoop in for the fun.  GOD I am so proud of myself for figuring out how to do Christmas RIGHT this year!!!  I will be drunk on the beach Christmas day, while everyone here is eating ham and scalloped potatoes.  Which is totally overrated.

Now if I could just figure out something fun for New Year’s. I am tired of staying home to avoid the drunks on the road.  I have heard that Cards Against Humanity is the funnest and raunchiest game ever.  Not sure if my family could handle it though.  I am the funnest and raunchiest person in my family, by FAR!  Maybe I should just start a Meetup called “Fun and Raunchy People” and play the game there.  Now there’s a thought.  I don’t know though.  People might think it’s a Swingers group.  That might be awkward . . .

Ok people let’s make this a great week! Only TWELVE shopping days left until Christmas!  Me?  Don’t worry about lil’ ol’ me.  Just send cash. 🙂  Peaches!

On My Way To The Kardashian Ass Factory

What the fuck is up with these fame fuckers Kim Kardashian and Kanye West? And why can’t they come up with a reasonable name for their children?  North West?  Saint West?  Why not Go West, or better yet, Go Down West, since this is a part of their forte?  What is in these children’s futures?  They got a daddy who thinks he’s “Yeezus” and a Mama who thinks she’s a legit fashion and business mogul.  Does she think that we don’t know she got peed on ON FILM and that’s how she gained her fame?  How does she show her face?  Why can’t she change her name to Audacity Kardashian?  Oh that’s right, they don’t trade in honesty or authenticity.  They are the epitome of LA – Lots of ASS and not much else really.  Now don’t get me started on those bulbous tumors a la elephant man growing out of Kim’s ass.  How did this get to be a thing?  And how, HOW does she find clothes to accommodate those massive blobs of ass she’s workin’ back there?  Does she buy two pairs of jeans, and merge the asses?  It MUST be.  The staff working behind the scenes just to support Kim’s ASS must be monumental.  We’ve got the mashers.  The fillers.  The shapers.  The seamstresses.  The consultants.  No Kim, that just won’t do!  Your ass is cylindrical in that number.  On and on and on.  The goal of course is a franchise.  Kim Kardashian Ass International.  It’s gonna take some work to get that off the ground.  First of all, we’re gonna need some decent ass molds.  Basketballs would probably do.  Then, a fleet of injectors.  Fill, fill, fill.  Shape,  punch that shit around like dough.  Make it just so.  Then, clothe the new ass-ball appendage in the latest styles, with added cutouts for the roundabouts.  Soon we’ll need new seating, another market for Kim.  She’s got it locked down.  New shoes, stilettos that cause that thang to bulge, like an avalanche about to slide down the mountain.  All covered by the Kardashain Kollection.  These bitches are getting paid every step of the way, believe me.  Once a critical mass is reached, big bulging basketball asses everywhere, why goodness God, Kim has lost the baby weight and oh my Gawd she lost the ass along with it!!  It’s a new trend, the slender ass.  Call your doctor!  Schedule an appointment.  Get with Kim for the latest accoutrements for the slenderest ass the world has never seen.  She will break the internet showing it off in 3…2…1…blastoff oh and there’s the full frontal too my God her tits are gone! Completely gone.  The new look is just a blank rectangle of flesh.  Body Sculpting By Kardashain to the rescue for all your tit removal needs yes for the moment we’re keeping our pussies, ladies.  Meanwhile, Kim and Kanye buy Paris, France and move with their young tribe of embarassments, North and Saint.  We’ll have further updates in our next episode.  Stay tuned to The Kardashians Run Our Lives!

My Therapist Should Have Paid ME Today

I think the therapist should have paid me today. It was all good news!  I’m going to Florida!  Yeaaahhhh!  I got a health club membership!!  Booyah!!  I figured out the prescription dilemma!  Kickassss!!  I got health insurance!!!  Supercalifragilous!!!!  Now if you don’t have a therapist who says stuff like “kickass, booyah and supercalifragilous”, I suggest you fire him/her immediately and hire ME because I have become a PRO at creating fictional, but very supportive, therapist talk!

At this point in my bipolar career I consider myself to have an honorary PhD, considering I have been in therapy on and off for the better part of … hmmm… let’s just say a lot of fucking years. That doesn’t sound as bad as the real number.  So, the new title of this blog is Bipolaronfire, PhD.  The doctor is IN!  I can speak therapy, ECT, medication, French, and I can curse in Spanish.  That’s what you call well-rounded in the educated world.  Also, I can fix your fucking computer while I do all that.  But I will be an asshole as I do it, because I hate customer service.  Total burnout.  So there’s that.

My Mom thinks I should be a teacher as my next career, but I’m not doing anything where I can’t be an asshole some of the time, because that’s just the nature of bipolar disorder. Sometimes I’m sweet, and sometimes I am fucking sour.  Ask anyone in my family, they’ll tell you!  “She has such a big heart!” one person will say.  “She is such a big bitch!” another will say.  And they’re both right.  So, I’ll be a therapist.  On those sour days, I’ll just be silent.  You know, fuck with their heads.  Make them do all the work.  Wait a minute!  Maybe I should be a psychiatrist!!!  This is going to take some more pondering.  In the meantime I guess I’ll go watch Cops.  Don’t act like you don’t have a totally trashy guilty pleasure tv show you’re workin’ undercover!  C’mon…you can tell me.

Peach to the outs, homes!!!

I Love You Costco!!! Newsflash For The Uninsured!

Well many of you know that I lost my health insurance as of 11/30/15 and this has created quite the crisis when it comes to filling prescriptions.  I don’t care about doctor appointments, I cancelled them all (except for therapy, my lovely therapist just charges me a copay and doesn’t bill insurance because she’s AWESOME).  SO!  I have started putting in some refill requests for prescriptions to Walgreens, who I have used for forever, and the thirty-day supplies for drugs are ranging from around forty bucks for one, to over a hundred dollars for several of my generic drugs!!!  SO!  I came to the conclusion that I needed to do a little price-shopping here, and who did I call first?  Costco.  My favorite store.  The prices I got from them absolutely ASTOUNDED me.  Heads up, uninsured people!!!  You need to join Costco!!!!!  The savings for my prescriptions ranged from a low of 73% to a high of 92%!  Yes you read that right, 92% savings!!!  Oh how I am happy I made that call!!  Walgreens would go ahead and bankrupt me with their crazy-high markups on generic drugs, but my friend Costco is going to keep me in the black this month.  What. A. Relief!!!

High note #2:  I did find health insurance, which begins January 1 and will be a HUGE savings from what I was paying COBRA.  I don’t know what in the HELL the Republicans’ problem is with the Affordable Care Act, but it is definitely saving my life.  I am certain that, with all of my issues, I would not even be able to find coverage if it were not for the ACA.  Again I am very grateful.  Some great weights have been lifted off my shoulders, thank you Jeebus!!!

 

They Love Me, They Really Love Me!

Well, despite all my shit-talking about my parents, when push comes to shove I have to say they really love me.  This week, they busted out their Southwest Airlines points and bought me a plane ticket to Florida for Christmas!  YESSSSSSS!!!  Florida for Christmas AND I get to miss any potential dramatic Christmas screaming match at the ol’ homestead!  I am cookin’ with gas now, my friends!  Just two short weeks, and I will be out of the Colorado cold and basking in the delicious rays of the Florida sunshine.  Can you say gratitude???  Oh I am so excited….just when I thought I couldn’t bear another fucking winter day here, I have something to hold on to.  Floridaaaaaaa…..

Hope you have a gangbang-up weekend, peeps!  I am off to try to hike off more of these Clozapine pounds.  Ten down, twenty more to go!  It’s a bitch, but so far, they haven’t invented an app to do it for me.  So long, farewell for now….

I Am A Sadistic!

I always liked the word “sadistic” more than “statistic”.  Bet you can guess which one I really am?  Yes I lost my health insurance.  Along with fifty-six sabazillion others.  Yes I looked that up.  I am still in shock.  Thank Jeebus I got to the bank in time to stop payment on my latest whopper of an insurance payment before the check got cashed!  That eighteen months of COBRA flew by.  Now, I’m fuckerooded!  I will start my serious search for new benefits on Monday.  All adultish & shit.  Thanks for your well-wishes, they mean a lot.   Peach out homies!

Please Let This Be A Mistake!

I got a notification yesterday that I’d been dropped from my health insurance.  Any Bipolar knows that you’re basically fucked without health insurance – I have a million and one doctor appointments per month, and even more prescriptions!  And I had just hit that sweet spot where I’d met the $3500 coinsurance (!!!) and everything was covered 100% for the rest of the year.  Right now, I am occupying my time with freaking out.  If you have any positive ju-ju, please send it my way.  I’m hoping that this is somehow a mistake, since I got zero notification that this was coming.

In more positive news, the weather has warmed up enough for me to go take a hike!  So I will do that before therapy today.  Boy, Dr. BigHeart does NOT know what she is in for.  Oh well, that’s why I pay her the big bucks.

Hope you are faring better than me, my friends.  WE NEED SOCIALIZED MEDICAL CARE IN THIS COUNTRY!!!  IT’S A RIGHT, NOT A PRIVELEGE!!

Ok, off my soapbox.  Peach out.