My Therapist Should Have Paid ME Today

I think the therapist should have paid me today. It was all good news!  I’m going to Florida!  Yeaaahhhh!  I got a health club membership!!  Booyah!!  I figured out the prescription dilemma!  Kickassss!!  I got health insurance!!!  Supercalifragilous!!!!  Now if you don’t have a therapist who says stuff like “kickass, booyah and supercalifragilous”, I suggest you fire him/her immediately and hire ME because I have become a PRO at creating fictional, but very supportive, therapist talk!

At this point in my bipolar career I consider myself to have an honorary PhD, considering I have been in therapy on and off for the better part of … hmmm… let’s just say a lot of fucking years. That doesn’t sound as bad as the real number.  So, the new title of this blog is Bipolaronfire, PhD.  The doctor is IN!  I can speak therapy, ECT, medication, French, and I can curse in Spanish.  That’s what you call well-rounded in the educated world.  Also, I can fix your fucking computer while I do all that.  But I will be an asshole as I do it, because I hate customer service.  Total burnout.  So there’s that.

My Mom thinks I should be a teacher as my next career, but I’m not doing anything where I can’t be an asshole some of the time, because that’s just the nature of bipolar disorder. Sometimes I’m sweet, and sometimes I am fucking sour.  Ask anyone in my family, they’ll tell you!  “She has such a big heart!” one person will say.  “She is such a big bitch!” another will say.  And they’re both right.  So, I’ll be a therapist.  On those sour days, I’ll just be silent.  You know, fuck with their heads.  Make them do all the work.  Wait a minute!  Maybe I should be a psychiatrist!!!  This is going to take some more pondering.  In the meantime I guess I’ll go watch Cops.  Don’t act like you don’t have a totally trashy guilty pleasure tv show you’re workin’ undercover!  C’mon…you can tell me.

Peach to the outs, homes!!!

6 thoughts on “My Therapist Should Have Paid ME Today

  1. This made me laugh all over the place. My top-secret-guilty show is to OCCASIONALLY watch “Cheaters” with LarBear, and we laugh at all the silliness. Now that is MUCH worse than having a COPS addiction!!! 😀

  2. Oh, I love Cops. All the stupid people on the show make me feel so much better about my life. And, I’d totally want you as my therapist. Mine have all blown and are phony as hell. I’ve never found a good one. At least you are hilarious. I’d rather pay to see you.

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