#Barbie For You, #Barbie For Me

 

In breaking news, Mattel has released three new models of their popular Barbie doll. They are:  Tall and Pin-Thin, Tiny Petite, and Curvy.  Ahem.  I think Mattel may have missed out on a few crucial models if they aim to mimic the general population.  Here are my proposed new Barbie models:

  1. Ugly Barbie. Look. Some people are downright unfortunate-looking and it’s not their fault. Their name is not Kardashian so they can’t afford loads of fillers, botox and plastic surgery. They just have to live with it. So give them a goddamn Barbie they can live with too. Ugly Barbie. She has a hatchet-job haircut because her Mom did it, she’s knock-kneed, she’s got cellulite, her nose is too big and her forehead is actually a fivehead. But dammit Ugly Barbie deserves love too! So make me an Ugly Barbie!
  2. Flat-Ass Barbie. You all knew a girl, or two, who had normal features, normal arms, legs, maybe small tits, but then that ass!! It just stretched for MILES!! And no, it wasn’t big and round, either. It was like a big piece of plywood was stuck in her Chic jeans, left to right, four feet. I shit you not. Make that big flat-assed girl feel a little better by making her a Flat-Ass Barbie!
  3. Nerd Barbie. Is there actually a Barbie out there who has oily hair and wears glasses? Who has a nice spread of zits across her t-zone and wears a shirt that says I HEART ALIENS? Who is in both Band and Theatre? No there is not. But there needs to be a Nerd Barbie.
  4. Cutter Barbie. A girl who cuts will wear those scars for life. How comforting would it be if she pulled up Barbie’s long-sleeve shirt and saw the slash-slash-slash marks across Barbie’s forearms, or pulled down Barbie’s pants to see a bloody thigh? We need a Cutter Barbie, (mini razors included) to let these girls know it’s ok. Barbie cuts too. And cut fucking Barbie! Not you!
  5. Fat Barbie. God damn it! Why oh why do I have to spell this all out for Mattel? They should have come out with a Fat Barbie TWENTY YEARS AGO!!! People are fat! There’s always a fat girl or two in the class! Shit! They are the most picked on kids in the school! Give them a Fat Barbie! It’s not Rocket Science!

I’m sure I’ve missed A LOT of categories. Maybe you can let me know.  I am going to get this over to Mattel STAT!  They “claim” to want to mimic the actual population, when all they’ve done is to further shame girls by adding three more gorgeous Barbies that most cannot relate to.  And when oh when will Barbie get a damn vagina?  That’s a topic for another day.  Let’s stay focused.  FREE THE BARBIE!!

28 thoughts on “#Barbie For You, #Barbie For Me

  1. lol you are so passionate hahah i love it!! Yeah, I saw these barbies on my newsfeed as well. You’re right, I wish they came up with these years ago… OR, how about boobs that you can put in and out? lol Enjoyed your blog as always.. You are hilarious!! ^_^

      • You are so kind, thank you so much!!! Sunday is good so far, I just wish I didn’t have to wait until 5pm for the Pro Bowl to start! I am football-starved and I expect that after the Superbowl I will have some kind of football-related letdown . . . but I will not anticipate that right now, I’ll be in the relaxing Sunday moment. Right now I’m gonna go color. Because I’m five 🙂

      • Lol because I’m 5. 😂 hahahahaha you’re so funny lol I color too haha very therapeutic indeed. I used to be a huge Seahawks fan but I got too emotionally revved up and it was affecting me too much. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!! 😄🏈🖍

  2. Isn’t coloring the BOMB?! It is very soothing to me. And I only use four colors that I love, they are metallic jewel tones and they just sparkle. I think I’m going to go on Amazon and find a bigger set of Jelly Roll markers and really get professional with this shit! 😉

    • HAHA uh, sorry? Well it proves my point, anyway. At least, it wasn’t four feet wide, was it? I can think of this one girl in choir in college, she was a bitch, and she had a HUGE ass, I was like, how does such an anomaly occur? She was short too. Her ass was wider than she was tall. Anyhooooo….the tale of fat asses continues…

  3. Awesome. Just one that popped into mind: Skater Punk Barbie, with aqua blue hair, a beanie hat, tattos, lite-grunge clothes, black shit kicker boots, and her own skateboard. She is also in Theater with Nerdy Barbie. Will they become friends in spite of their differences? Stay tuned.

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