The Struggle

I have started The Great Purge of my storage unit and it has hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s not just that I can’t afford the unit anymore.  There’s my panic that I am losing my Private Disability income.  What will I do?  How will I survive?  How will the bills get paid?  It will take a very short time to decimate the little nest egg I have that I hoped to use to buy either a trailer or a tiny house to pull to Florida in the wintertime.  I can see that dream quickly disappearing.  The other very painful thing is that I have my whole adulthood of accumulation of items – in particular my kitchen items – that I now need to dispose of.  A lot of the items were gifts from family and have great sentimental value.  Realistically, I have to ask myself:  Will I ever again have a home on my own?  Will I ever again be able to work, or support myself in any other way?  The grief in giving up these possessions, as well as my independence, is almost intolerable.  Feeling like I have no idea where my life is going is also intolerable.  Thoughts of suicide keep bubbling up.  Thoughts of hospitalization, and how much I would hate that, come up.  I keep doing what I feel is the next right thing:  going through my possessions, donating some, listing some for sale, throwing out some things, purge purge purge.  Still exercising.  But the demons seem to be sitting on both shoulders right now and the fight is real.  It is both startling and saddening to me to see how badly I have crashed, so quickly.  There’s no light at the end of this tunnel.  I have family members asking me to make commitments to care for other family members in April, and while I have agreed to the commitments, in my mind I’m asking, will I still be alive in April?  I just wish someone or something would swoop in and save me from this experience.  I’m tempted to play the lottery, the fantasy is so strong.  But it’s just a fantasy!  Facing reality at this time is really, really painful.  Part of me says to find a way to store all the kitchen items where I’m living now, and the other part says, what’s the point?

I hate writing such a total fucking downer of a post, but I guess I’m hoping that some of you will have some insight, some advice, or some experience that can help me through this. I love being light and silly and entertaining, but really, this is a blog about being Bipolar.  And this is where this Bipolar is right now.  The struggles with Disability, not being able to work, finances, and fears for the future are all real.  Not wanting to live through the pain is real.  Instability is real.

Please, if you have something to share, do so. Thanks in advance.  Hope your week is wayyy better than mine!  BPOF.

50 thoughts on “The Struggle

  1. Thank you so much for your honesty I also have bipolar and I am going through a not so good experience right now as well. I wish you all the freedom and stability you deserve and you mentioned doing “the next right thing” ABSOLUTELY dont EVER give up. It can be like a max prison living in our heads but there is a light! Find it and hold on to it. Please check out my blog as well maybe you can relate…I am new to the blogging world trying to make connections. Thank you again. https://memoirsofamotherinrecovery.wordpress.com/

  2. Before I even saw this post I was thinking of you this morning – how awesome you are, how great your exercise consistency/commitment has been. Please, please sweet fiery call – don’t give up. There’s no one else like you – believe me!!!!!! 😉

    Reach out to anyone in your world who can help you, even if you think it’s a a longshot, why the fuck not? (as you would say!!!) and as far as the April commitments go, make yourself #1 – I have a feeling that’s hard for you to do, you are giving and thoughtful – way more than most – but if you can’t honor them because you need to care for yourself, so be it. If anyone has a problem with it, send them to FRYANE!

      • You got some great comments here, sweet peach – keep reaching out, keep telling us what’s going on, no matter how much of a bummer it is!!!!!! XOXOXOXOXOOXOX

      • I appreciate your tweeting it out DyDy. You are like the Depression Angel. Thank you. The comments are really saving me right now. It’s so hard to tell the truth when the truth sucks.

      • Believe me, I understand.

        I’ve been Ms. Doom & Gloom lately since that creature unfriended me on Fartbook. I have a good life (LUCY! you know it!!!! And oh yeah, my kids and husband) yet since that chick flipped out on me, it took away my perspective. I’m restoring it bit-by-bit and blogging helped me more than I thought it would.

        And that’s what my hopes are for you – that through your writing, through your getting blog support, and anything else that can help you (even little stuff) your perspective will be restored fucking super-soon!!!

        You’re a great person, you inspire a shit-load of people, so that means your karmic credit is very high. Which reminds me, I have a message to share:

        “Hey, Universe – it’s Fryane-baby !!!! It’s high time you give our buddy Bipolar On Fire a fucking break STAT! Or else I’m gonna come after you and make you smell my five-day-unwashed pits…that’s right, Universe. The odor could snuff out Trump, so do what I say and do it yesterday!”

        Love ya honey – keep on trucking –
        it WILL get BETTER!
        Just make it through this muck!
        You can and will do it!!!!!!!!

      • Dude, the stench is SO FUCKING DISGUSTING that I marvel at how gross it is – maybe it’s a med side effect, who the fuck knows??? I use crystal granola deodorant that used to work in the past but maybe it’s time for a deadlier brand; I wish I could approach Trump when I smell like this because the odor would melt his toupee, and he’d fall to the ground! I’d probably become a National Hero and I could buy you a house here!!!!!!!

  3. I’m terribly sorry you are struggling so much right now. I was in that dark pit not too long ago. The feeling of not being able to go on. What’s the point? But the thing you have to remember is that life sucks. There are always going to be struggles but that doesn’t mean you throw in the towel. Things are difficult but you have to believe me that you can get through this.

    You are strong I can hear it in this post. You don’t want to give up you just want things to get better. I’d start right now and make a list of the things that are going on in your life and start to hammer away about what you can do about each item. I know throwing your stuff out is immensely difficult but throwing yourself away is much much worse. Start with baby steps. Take a deep breath and do things little by little. It won’t feel as overwhelming if you do. That’s what helped me. Get help if you need. Don’t be afraid.

    Wishing you all the best. I honestly hope things get better for you my friend.

  4. I hope I can be of help. I too was distraught when I lost everything. Every Christmas I’m reminded of all the beautiful ornaments I use to have. But one day something hit me like a ton of bricks..but in a good way. I actually started laughing because I was so delighted. It was my realization that I get a do-over. How many people are lucky enough to start all over with a clean slate? An opportunity to reassess your life and make a new path. A new direction.

    Granted, that all happened years ago, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still grieve now and then, but they aren’t as strong anymore. They aren’t debilitating. I embrace the new life I made for myself. Sure it’s tough to get on permanent disability, it’s tough wondering if I’ll ever own a house again, it’s tough to think about the people who use to be in my life, but that all pales in comparison to the new joys and the new life I made for myself. Considering I still live with bipolar and all the shit that comes with it, I’m damned proud of the life I made. You will be too.

      • That was a great post up there! Do overs are fantastic! And I realized houses BLOW! My gorgeous apartment has over 1000 sq feet, I don’t have to mow a lawn, the pick up my trash at the door and there’s no septic tank to explode. Score!!

  5. hi, my first thought when reading your post was i don’t even know your name and i would really love to because when you write to someone about things that are so hard, a name is a good place to start. so anyways, i read your post and my heart ached for you. when i was first diagnosed i had to give up everything, my life, my love, my career. it all went away and i moved back in with my parents. I had a small collection of things i was saving for when i had my own place but never knew how/if/when where either. it was really scary and hard. that was almost 20 years ago. i was 23 years old.

    i think the thing is to focus on the fact that life is so unpredictable. you don’t know where you’re going to be in a year. you are focusing so much on all that’s going wrong that its hard to see you are in a loving home with people that love you and you are getting better. that thought should be posted on every surface you can see.

    This illness robs us of hope, of belief in a better time, of faith. i know what it’s like to be at the bottom but every day you get on with it by sorting through your stuff. things will change, things will get better. try your best to just do one day at a time and soon with enough days, there will be a shift. don’t give up, then the illness wins.

    you can do this. focus on being well, exercising, eating right, doing normal things, and maybe letting go of all that was in the past. i know it’s hard but you can do it.
    go out on job interviews. i went out with my resume just to be doing something and eventually worked part time at a flower shop for a few years until i felt myself again. keep going. you can do it. it’s all about one day at a time. and be grateful for what you do have.

    definately do not try to care for anyone else. use every ounce of energy to pour love into yourself. i wish you best and am sending good thoughts to you. Let your stuff go and believe that you are turning a corner because you are just by starting this process. be brave and move in the direction you want your life to be and you will get there. love jane

  6. It’s not a downer, but a legitimate question. I too have had to “let go” in my life and discovered the pain you feel, I discovered along the way that my possessions that validated “ME” were “simply” (things). This was NOT an over night realization. I have been able in the last 10 years come to accept that as a “truth”. Our society has us believing in the NEED of things for status or validation.
    Re: Suicide, Hospitalization. KEEP HATING THEM, PERIOD.
    Re: Work. Are you able physically, and mentally ABLE to work? if the answer leans any where near yes. Then do it, let go of pride, work to provide YOURSELF, I have a degree in business, and I am a pizza delivery guy. And I have peace (yes, I fret daily on how will provide a home for my 8,9,and 10 year olds), and I live only to the measure of peace and “happiness” stuff I need, to be “connected” in this digital age. I hope you will embrace life, and it’s short comings it’s not fair but it’s not out to get you.
    Change your perception, and you will change.

    • Thank you for your insight. I don’t know if I can work. I am applying for some part-time jobs and I’m willing to try. I definitely can’t work full-time. Thank you again so much for your insight.

  7. I wish I could give you a hug. Your words are honest, and the fact that you can articulate your thoughts so readily speaks volumes. Keep fighting through the struggles and try to realize that you CAN level out with the right help. I am pulling for you… and the dream of your trailer or tiny house.

    When is your next doctor’s appointment?

  8. I went through a similar purge a year or two after I first got into treatment. Alot of it having to do with my tanked business. It was hard, and alot of mixed emotions came up. If you want to keep your kitchen stuff then find a way. I did that with some things I just couldn’t let go of, and later I found that I didn’t need them as much and they either got donated or thrown away. Be gentle with yourself about how much emotional stuff going through your storage stuff can be brought up. It’s normal to have strong feelings about it. Otherwise, just because you’re purging doesn’t mean your hopes and aspirations are a moot point, things are easy to get attached to, but in the end they are just things.

    • I did decide to keep my kitchen stuff. It was making me too depressed, and giving up on the idea of ever having my own home again was making me too depressed. So, I’m still purging a lot, but not everything. Thanks for your advice and wonderfully kind words.

  9. First of all, I’m so sorry you are going through such a difficult time right now. My best advice to you is to not keep silent or isolate yourself in your time of need. You need to advocate for yourself and the seek the resources you need. Perhaps there are programs in your area that helps people who are having a life crisis or mental illness or disabilities? Even a church outreach program could help you. Try family and community. Let people know you need help. There are so many good-hearted people out there who have been through a lot and pulled through, who would jump at a chance to give back. You just have to find some kind of support. Don’t give up. Don’t give up. Don’t. You are worth so much. My hugs and prayers are with you, my friend and I pray you reach out and find the connections you need.

  10. I’m here with much I wish I could say to you. All sorts of stuff rocketing around my brain, but I’m so, so silent. Give me a day, bpof…maybe this comment I need to feel leave you is the impetus that will make me open my mouth again. Big love to you, sorry I’m not up to more right at this very second.

  11. I’m so, so sorry you’re in such a dark, frightening place. Its totally understandable to be emotional about your stuff. They contain memories of happier times, different time, people you loved and who loved you. Deciding what stays and what goes involves a mourning process, so give yourself time, do it slowly with careful thought and no regrets.

    I don’t understand how your disability work in the States, but can imagine how terrifying your financial position must be. My job doesn’t pay a living wage (and I live frugally). I rely on a very small divorce settlement to subsidise the income. In a few years time, that money will be gone and I already stress about what I’m going to do. So I hear you.

    As far as suicide….I totally understand the desire to be free from pain and torment this crash has caused. I encourage you to live. Just one more day. You never know what tomorrow will bring. We all think we KNOW what tomorrow will bring, but we only know with certainty when we are living in tomorrow. Have hope in a better tomorrow. As you sort through your storage unit tomorrow, you’ll feel just a smidge more adjusted than the day before, you’ll feel more certain on what to keep and what to let go. And when the evening comes, promise to give yourself just one more tomorrow. Hope, my friend, is the only ‘cure’ for suicide. And if you feel you are not ready to wait for tomorrow, then you do need to go to hospital.

    A purge is painful. And I think its very telling of your strength of character, your tenacity and courage, that you are still riding that fucking bicycle! That bicycle tells me you haven’t given up. Ride your bicycle through this crash. Right now is NOT the rest of your life. Life changes constantly, and it owes you an upswing. Hang on and wait for it, hang on and hope. You want someone to save you…. life will save you because life evolves and changes. Something will come along/happen to change your circumstances. Just don’t give up, okay? ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

  12. When my second husband died a little over 17 years ago, I was so devastated and lost that I called my doctor and told him I was about to kill myself. I just couldn’t go on without my sweet soulmate. I had lost my 18 month old son not even a year previous and I was done.

    Three weeks in the mental hospital and I came home to an empty house. Empty except for the four dogs whom my neighbor had fed the entire time I was gone. I made up my mind to go home to my mothers, 1500 miles away.

    For a week I sat in the house, going through our things, tossing what I wasn’t taking with me into the back room of our house, packing the rest. Then I got a U Haul and left.

    Sometimes starting over is the most painful, hardest, most depressing thing ever but then, sometimes easier, better things are around the corner.

    Seven months after my husbands death, I gave birth to a son. Six months later I met a man and two years later we got married. Fourteen years later and we are still together. The struggle is real but, we endure.

    Don’t give up.
    Don’t give in
    Keep on going
    And you WILL win.

  13. I am so so sorry for your struggle! Are you definitely losing your Private Disability income? That seems so terrible- I have a friend here in Brighton who is worried she might be losing her income as well and is going through almost the exact same thing.

    I really hope things work out okay, I wish I knew what to say. I’m only just pulling out of a long round of feeling massively depressed/suicidal myself- definitely feeling overwhelmed and uncertain about the future makes things so so difficult. I love your writing and your honesty and just how much of your comes across in what you write, please if you ever need anyone to talk to- send me an email (sarahveggie at gmail ) Hope things get better for you soon. Xx

    • You are such a luv, thank you. I am definitely losing the disability, but my lawyer is trying to appeal and get it based on physical disability as opposed to mental, which has a two-year limit which I just hit. I don’t think I’ll qualify, but HE does, otherwise he wouldn’t take me on, so we’ll see. But in the meantime I lose my income. Thanks for your kindness and support. And I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been in the shits too. You’re welcome to contact me anytime too my friend, at bipolaronfire@gmail. Love you!!

  14. When I left Florida I purged as much as I could because I was going to have to put my stuff in storage and stay with a friend in California. I know exactly how you feel. At fifty years old I am now living with my sister. I feel like a total failure to be living here. I know I need to find my own place, as this is just a temporary stop. I am scared to live by myself for fear I will fall into a deeper depression then I am already experiencing. I had a lot of ect treatments last year, so big decisions seem to be near impossible for me to make. I know exactly how you feel. I fear of losing my disability because my doctor seems so indifferent to my depression that he may not recommend for me to stay on disability. Perhaps this is an unfounded fear, but never the less I am living in a state of nervous concern. I feel your pain! I enjoy your post. Keep the faith.

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