I have started The Great Purge of my storage unit and it has hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s not just that I can’t afford the unit anymore. There’s my panic that I am losing my Private Disability income. What will I do? How will I survive? How will the bills get paid? It will take a very short time to decimate the little nest egg I have that I hoped to use to buy either a trailer or a tiny house to pull to Florida in the wintertime. I can see that dream quickly disappearing. The other very painful thing is that I have my whole adulthood of accumulation of items – in particular my kitchen items – that I now need to dispose of. A lot of the items were gifts from family and have great sentimental value. Realistically, I have to ask myself: Will I ever again have a home on my own? Will I ever again be able to work, or support myself in any other way? The grief in giving up these possessions, as well as my independence, is almost intolerable. Feeling like I have no idea where my life is going is also intolerable. Thoughts of suicide keep bubbling up. Thoughts of hospitalization, and how much I would hate that, come up. I keep doing what I feel is the next right thing: going through my possessions, donating some, listing some for sale, throwing out some things, purge purge purge. Still exercising. But the demons seem to be sitting on both shoulders right now and the fight is real. It is both startling and saddening to me to see how badly I have crashed, so quickly. There’s no light at the end of this tunnel. I have family members asking me to make commitments to care for other family members in April, and while I have agreed to the commitments, in my mind I’m asking, will I still be alive in April? I just wish someone or something would swoop in and save me from this experience. I’m tempted to play the lottery, the fantasy is so strong. But it’s just a fantasy! Facing reality at this time is really, really painful. Part of me says to find a way to store all the kitchen items where I’m living now, and the other part says, what’s the point?
I hate writing such a total fucking downer of a post, but I guess I’m hoping that some of you will have some insight, some advice, or some experience that can help me through this. I love being light and silly and entertaining, but really, this is a blog about being Bipolar. And this is where this Bipolar is right now. The struggles with Disability, not being able to work, finances, and fears for the future are all real. Not wanting to live through the pain is real. Instability is real.
Please, if you have something to share, do so. Thanks in advance. Hope your week is wayyy better than mine! BPOF.