The Job Is A GO!!

Well I haven’t been around much lately.  I’d say that I have nothing to say, but really I have SO MUCH to say.  I’ve been doing lots of projects, which really revs my motor.  Sewing, needlepoint, and some upholstery.  And . . . yes!  Flaky doctor came through with a job!!!!  I started Monday with watching some training videos, and I’m meeting with her today to sign a business agreement and pick up a load of files.  Basically, I’ll be working at home (perfect for me, I hate working with people) entering her paper files into an electronic system.  Some data entry, some scanning of files.  I needed a scanner, so I took the opportunity to buy the printer I always wanted, a color laser printer (with a sheet-feeder scanner).  It prints so beautifully!!!  It was a little pricey but hopefully I’ll make the money back.  Actually, I better make the money back or I’m a total loser!  I feel like posting a picture of the printer, I love it so much.  Ah, geekhood.

So, I’m so excited to start working, on my own, at home.  I’m such a project girl.  It’s like I told the psychiatrist, just set me loose on a pile of work, and I’m good to go!  I will be very happy doing this.  Just turn on the music and plug away.  I hope I don’t do it too fast.  Every time I finish a project I’m so sad.  This doctor is very technically challenged, though, so I think I’ll be providing her some IT Support, too.  We’ll see how it evolves.

Things are working much better in my head now that Spring has sprung, even though we still have some rain and even fucking SNOW is forecast for the weekend.  The extra light is doing wonders for me.  It’s just like a switch is tripped, saying “extra light, I am ok now”.  I still wake up a little depressed, but I don’t feel like I’m constantly on the verge of hospitalization like I did in the winter.  HOLY HALLELUJAH!!  With that, I’ll close and say “Peach out” and hope you’re all doing well!  Let me know!!

P.S. —  I forgot to say, I updated to Windows 10 after much resistance,  because even though I am a former serious IT Geek, I resist change.  And believe it or not, it’s not even killing me!  Thank you, Microsoft!  It’s not all fucked up like Windows 8.  Everything looks almost the same.  I can find my files.  The shortcut keys still work.  I am ok.  You will be too 🙂

It’s All Good

We are “supposed” to be having an epic snowstorm right now. Fourteen inches was forecast.  Oh, the hype!  Hide yo’ kids!  Lock up your pets!!  Your tree branches are going to break off!!  Don’t drive!!  Stock up on groceries!!  Jesus Christ, it’s like Snowpocalypse was coming.  Instead, what we have are gently falling flakes that melt when they hit the ground.  This is a bullshit storm!  It’s just like what I do in my head!  I create these great big giant stressful scenarios that rev up my motor and make me think that life as I know it is going to end, and then *blip* nothing or close to nothing happens.  THAT’S why it’s good to be in the moment.  I’m preaching to myself here.  Because the present moment is pretty damn good.  I’m home, I’m warm, I’m safe, I have this uber-comfy environment, I can watch tv, read, do a creative project, text someone, tweet, even write a goddamn blog!  It’s all good!  I am thankful for the “all good” times.  I’m fine. It’s fine.  Let the snow fall.  Nobody’s getting hurt.  I’m just going to sit here and say “Thank you”.

My Poor Murdered Bike

My sister ran over my bike. It had fallen over in the garage and she didn’t see it.  “I think I ran over the back tire,” she says.  I go to look at it.  I don’t think the back tire should be curly.  Dammit!  I’m not happy.  But then again, the tires were already flat and the chain was off and jammed.  Already, the bike was a useless fixture in the garage.  How mad can I be?  I’m mad at myself because I hadn’t repaired it before now, and I’m  mad that I didn’t buy the hardware to hang it up when we first moved in here.  Now I went to look at my bike again, and it looks even WORSE!  The seat is all wonky and has smudge marks like maybe that got run over too!  Part of me wants to get really mad at my sister, and part of me wants to get really mad at me.  This is the perfect opportunity to have a ragefest!  Maybe the Abilify is smoothing me out, because I just can’t work myself into a rage.  All I can do is think “I have to take this fucker into the shop and evaluate my options.” Is it fixable?  If so, how much?  Can I afford it?

Although I’m not grateful for two flat tires, a curly wheel, a jammed chain and a wonky seat, I guess I am grateful for an even mood that just says “Deal with it.” This is new!  This is different!  Maybe I’m ready to make my own Abilify commercial!  I don’t know.  This is my Saturday wisdom. Take the good where you can find it. This is my good.  I’m not having a cow.  I’m dealing.  It’s ok.  And now I’m gonna go eat pizza.  Peach out!

That One Time I Tried To Kill Someone

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the time I tried to poison someone. I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was five years old.  There was a girl in our cul-de-sac, her name was Jennifer Joslin.  Jennifer was a bully and was always mean to me.  I didn’t like her and I was afraid of her.  Well I had some little-girl perfume, and I remember my parents’ stern warnings not to DRINK the perfume, as it was POISON!  Hmmmm…. My little mind wondered…poison?  I tried mixing some of my perfume with water, and what a lovely milky color it turned! Problem solved.  The next afternoon when Jennifer was out in the cul-de-sac, I mixed up my little potion of perfume and water in a drinking glass and walked out to Jennifer.  “Hi Jennifer, ya want some milk?” I offered innocently.  Jennifer took a swig and then spat it out angrily.  “What IS this, POISON?” she shouted.  I grabbed the glass and scurried home, certain I was in trouble.  So much for murdering my nemesis.  I was in for a spanking with Dad’s fraternity paddle!

I’m not sure what attempted murder at the age of five says about my character, but that’s honestly the last time I tried to kill someone. I think it’s kinda cute, though, how solution-oriented I was at five years old!  See a problem, solve a problem.  Very linear!  Who knows, if I’d been successful, maybe I would have grown up to be a hit (wo)man!  Oh well, what could have been.  Instead, I went into IT.  Go figure.

Done Playing Mommy And Other Miscellaneous Shit

Dad handkerchiefs

Well my sister has returned and my Playing Mommy has come to an end. Being with the kids, nurturing them, just sitting with them as they went about their free time has been a joy.  What I am truly grateful for is that my mood held up – I didn’t lose my patience with them or get angry as I feared I might.  I was a loving and tolerant Aunt.  Oh how I hope that this is how they remember me when they grow up!  Only time will tell.

Another thing that has brought me great joy lately is the return of my creativity. I have always been a creative person, but I lost the creative spark for about a year and a half to two years.  I attribute this to both depression and Clozaril.  As soon as I went off the Clozaril and switched to Abilify, *poof* the creativity came back.  About fifteen years ago, I embroidered some handkerchiefs for my Dad, which he loved and was very proud of.  For the past few years, I’ve wanted to do it again, but couldn’t quite pull it together.  Finally, last week, I bought some handkerchiefs and embroidery thread and let ‘er rip and it has been so damn fun to do this for Dad’s upcoming 83rd birthday.  Granted, they’re not perfect.  I had to trace the designs from my computer screen onto the handkerchief with a pencil.  But, I still love them and I made them with love (and lots of very anal stitching) and I hope my Dad loves them.  You only see five here, I am working on the final sixth.  I will be so sad when it’s all over!!!  What will I do next???  It has been SO GREAT to have a project!  This just reinforces to me how nurturing the creative process is to my spirit.

If you’ve been reading for a few posts then you know that I had applied for a part-time job with a psychiatrist and wondered if I got the job. I got one call from her which I returned, then never heard back again.  Well, I heard from her over the weekend, apparently she never got my phone message.  Strange!  She does want to work with me (Yay!) but not for a couple of weeks (Boo!).  We’ll see how it all shakes out.  She is not striking me as the most dependable person but hopefully I am wrong about that.

Well, that’s about all the new from the Bipolar On Fire Ranch in Boulder, Colorado. Yee Haw!!  What’s going on in your neck of the woods?


Playing Mommy

You may or may not know that I live with my sister and her two kids, who I love dearly. One of my great regrets is not having kids myself, although I think with my illness, it was definitely the right thing for me.  It gives me great joy to love and nurture this niece and nephew of mine, and I feel such pride that my sister has gone off to a three-day conference and left them in my care.  That she trusts me with these bright little souls, says a lot to me.  As I sit here on the couch with them, they are both playing video games (14 year old boy and 11 year old girl) and my niece is singing a song she made up about the dogs.  They feel safe and loved with Aunt BPOF and that makes me happy.  Here is another chance for me to be present for others, not thinking about myself or ruminating on my many worries as I make their pizza or pasta.  Here is a time that I am called upon to be my best self, to rise above my broken, half-working side and be there for these kids.  I am both challenged and uplifted by this chance.  The weather buoys me with glorious springtime temperatures and I know I’ll get out and enjoy that over the next few days.  I hope to live up to the faith that has been placed in me. More to come….