That One Time I Tried To Kill Someone

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the time I tried to poison someone. I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was five years old.  There was a girl in our cul-de-sac, her name was Jennifer Joslin.  Jennifer was a bully and was always mean to me.  I didn’t like her and I was afraid of her.  Well I had some little-girl perfume, and I remember my parents’ stern warnings not to DRINK the perfume, as it was POISON!  Hmmmm…. My little mind wondered…poison?  I tried mixing some of my perfume with water, and what a lovely milky color it turned! Problem solved.  The next afternoon when Jennifer was out in the cul-de-sac, I mixed up my little potion of perfume and water in a drinking glass and walked out to Jennifer.  “Hi Jennifer, ya want some milk?” I offered innocently.  Jennifer took a swig and then spat it out angrily.  “What IS this, POISON?” she shouted.  I grabbed the glass and scurried home, certain I was in trouble.  So much for murdering my nemesis.  I was in for a spanking with Dad’s fraternity paddle!

I’m not sure what attempted murder at the age of five says about my character, but that’s honestly the last time I tried to kill someone. I think it’s kinda cute, though, how solution-oriented I was at five years old!  See a problem, solve a problem.  Very linear!  Who knows, if I’d been successful, maybe I would have grown up to be a hit (wo)man!  Oh well, what could have been.  Instead, I went into IT.  Go figure.

19 thoughts on “That One Time I Tried To Kill Someone

  1. We also lived in a court and there was a big mud puddle in the road. We put some of it in a cup and peed in it and gave it to a neighborhood boy and told him it was chocolate milk. You win for trying to kill someone. We were just trying to make ours drink pee.

  2. When I spotted this title, I laughed…I know that’s horrible and evil, but it felt good to laugh!!!!! It wasn’t like I was killing anyone or subjecting an innocent soul to a raunchy YouTube video clip of John Cena with his veins popping out everywhere!!!!

    Also, I honestly think you’re a genius. It takes a certain amount of intelligence and innovation to create that perfume portion lure at the tender age of five…you get two snaps for that, girlfriend!

  3. Okay you’re last line about IT has me doubled over. I work in IT and tried to make a bomb out of a pencil eraser (no explosives, I was 6 for crying out loud, no clue how a bomb exactly worked) and a match.

  4. Ok, so you made me shoot coffee out of my nose. Thanks a lot, BPoF! I can remember the first time I tried to “kill” someone…they “took a fall” down some stairs. Hmmm, oh well, they ended up being perfectly fine, since I was about nine and there were only two stairs. 🙂

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