News Flash! I am meeting with Dr. Flaky at 9:30 am tomorrow, Wednesday. Not sure if she’s actually going to give me more work to do, as she says, or if she’s going to fire me. She said she wants to pay me for what I’ve done so far, and then give me more files. I guess it could go either way. In the meantime, I have nothinggggg to dooooooo. Yesterday I planted flowers and herbs in my pots outside (YEAH!), one of my favorite things to do. I keep going outside to look at them, they’re so fucking cute!!! I made myself exercise first, then going to Home Depot for plants was my reward. Today I will exercise, then go to Costco as my reward. Not much of a reward but fuck! I have to do something to make myself exercise! I have gained back some of the weight I’d lost, which makes me mad as hell. It’s due to being back on the sugar addiction, and yes it’s a fucking addiction to me, and not exercising every single day as I was. I don’t know how I’m going to get off the sugar. My sister said something interesting the other day, she is a PE and Health teacher and just went to a conference for the top PE Teachers in the country. There was a talk on Eating Disorders, and she said that one of the overlooked Eating Disorders is Overeating. Well goddamn. I have an Eating Disorder. It’s just that simple! I have a terrible time controlling what I put in my mouth. (Shush with your dirty minds!). So I’m like, wondering, do I need to go to Overeaters Anonymous? I think I should look into it. Oh goodie. Another 12-Step Program. Well, I need to do SOMETHING because I fucking HATE being fat!!!! When I look at pictures of myself over the years, my weight is all over the place. Huge, svelte, and everything in between. I sure am tired of struggling with this. But I imagine that I will have to keep struggling if I want to achieve an ideal weight.
Well as usual this post is all over the place, as is my mind. What the fuck, Adderall? You’re not organizing my thoughts at all. At least it enables me to work. When I work, I seem to be able to concentrate and get things done. When I have nothing to do…well I’m all over the place. As you can see.
Whelp, it’s time to get back to my games! Must! Achieve! 10,000 points! Fuck, I gotta achieve SOMETHING today!! Hope your week is going exceedingly well. Peach out, homies!!
Well I’ve had a productive week. If you call playing lots & lots of Words With Friends and What’s The Phrase productive. Then I’ve been productive as HELL!!! I haven’t heard from Dr. Flaky and frankly I’m getting
kind of obsessed about it. I don’t know what her major malfunction is but I’ve called her a “Fucking Bitch” more than once this week. I was just so happy for those few days when I had work to do!! I am really a productive kind of person. At least, now, I am. I don’t think I could have done anything like this during the winter. Well, I could have played my games. Yes, this week has been spent obsessively checking my email (DAMN YOU, EMAIL!), playing games, reading twitter, reading a few blogs, and playing games. If I could get paid for playing games or checking Twitter, damn, I’d be in good shape. Because I’m DEDICATED!! I will contact Dr. Flaky tomorrow, as it will have been a week since I heard from her tomorrow. Maybe I’ll get an answer. Even one I don’t like, but maybe I’ll get an answer. Maybe my next blog post will just be sobs and a lot of cussing. I’m not making any promises. Today we’ll celebrate Mother’s Day. Already my crazy little sister has cancelled (YAY!) and my Aunt who always starts shit with my Dad has cancelled (Somewhat Yay). So hopefully it will be a peaceful celebration. Hope everyone’s week has been as productive as mine! Peach out!
Well I finished inputting the first five files for Dr. Flaky and asked her if I could come get more files. She wanted to look at my work and get back to me and at long last, she did. Unfortunately for me, she had nothing but criticism. This is missing, that is missing, and I’m like, I can only enter data that is actually in the file! Said much more nicely than that. Nothing about how thorough I was, how consistent, how I scanned every single page of the damn file and uploaded it . . . Oh dear, work anxieties, like always, are coming out of the woodwork! The wish for approval and positive affirmation are overwhelming. And I’m not getting any of it! Is this going to be the job for me? Is she going to want to keep me? Fear, fear, fear. And after I invested (probably unwisely) FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS in my beautiful laser printer!!! I haven’t even made that much back yet!! I am not the happiest of campers today. I don’t like having my insecurities brought out. I like thinking that I’m the greatest worker that ever lived! What if I’m not up to the job??? Well I guess that will just be more data to tell me the level of my disability. Which scares me. Part of me wants to think that I can go back to work at 100% functioning any time I want. Maybe that’s just not the case. Maybe I can’t. I guess time will tell. I will do my best.
It’s May 1st and in Boulder, Colorado it’s snowing, goddamnit!! This is NOT how it’s supposed to be on May 1st!!! It has snowed for the past three days, including today. I am over it. Looking forward, the temperatures are supposed to increase and then we’re supposed to have some rain. I don’t care about rain, as long as we don’t have any more snow. DAMMIT! Nothing is going my way. I hope to have a less pitiful post for you soon. Hope you all are enjoying a stellar Sunday. Peaches!