Well I finished inputting the first five files for Dr. Flaky and asked her if I could come get more files. She wanted to look at my work and get back to me and at long last, she did. Unfortunately for me, she had nothing but criticism. This is missing, that is missing, and I’m like, I can only enter data that is actually in the file! Said much more nicely than that. Nothing about how thorough I was, how consistent, how I scanned every single page of the damn file and uploaded it . . . Oh dear, work anxieties, like always, are coming out of the woodwork! The wish for approval and positive affirmation are overwhelming. And I’m not getting any of it! Is this going to be the job for me? Is she going to want to keep me? Fear, fear, fear. And after I invested (probably unwisely) FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS in my beautiful laser printer!!! I haven’t even made that much back yet!! I am not the happiest of campers today. I don’t like having my insecurities brought out. I like thinking that I’m the greatest worker that ever lived! What if I’m not up to the job??? Well I guess that will just be more data to tell me the level of my disability. Which scares me. Part of me wants to think that I can go back to work at 100% functioning any time I want. Maybe that’s just not the case. Maybe I can’t. I guess time will tell. I will do my best.
It’s May 1st and in Boulder, Colorado it’s snowing, goddamnit!! This is NOT how it’s supposed to be on May 1st!!! It has snowed for the past three days, including today. I am over it. Looking forward, the temperatures are supposed to increase and then we’re supposed to have some rain. I don’t care about rain, as long as we don’t have any more snow. DAMMIT! Nothing is going my way. I hope to have a less pitiful post for you soon. Hope you all are enjoying a stellar Sunday. Peaches!