HOLY FUCK THE MAGIC IS REAL!!!

It's Magic

Uh, wasn’t it just YESTERDAY that I wrote about wanting to believe in magic and doing this hocus-pocus Catholic novena?  How I just wanted work that I like?  (Ideally more of the same work I’d been doing at home, no people, just work).  Well holeeee shit I just got an email from the software company that makes this doctor software saying they have a new client in Boulder that they want to hook me up with!!!  KABAM!!!  And I’m not even done with the novena yet!!!  Yeah yeah yeah I am having a gratitude attack I am SO EXCITED!!!!  Just to be able to work, doing something I like.  What a privilege.  Thank you, Universe!!!!!

Do You Believe In Magic?

LOTUS

This is my latest purchase from the Nepalese store in Boulder.  The owner told me it would bring me good luck and sound sleep.  I didn’t need to hear anything else, I was sold!  It’s a pretty piece of glass, isn’t it?  I love to believe in magic.  And to tell you the truth, I have been sleeping better!  Don’t know about the luck thing yet.  I applied for three jobs last week, I guess I had good luck because I immediately was called for an interview for one of them.  I am on the fence as to whether or not I want the job, but it is part-time and would supplement what I do for Dr. Flaky nicely, since I can’t count on her at all.  I’m also practicing what I call Catholic Magic, which is a Novena to St. Joseph.  Catholicism is so damn magical and they have a patron saint for just about everything, and you make a novena to St. Joseph for work.  This demonstrates the level of my despair, that I would dust off my completely renounced Catholic beliefs in a desperate attempt to get some work that I don’t hate.  My sister did the novena for me before I got the job with Dr. Flaky, and I really liked the work.  So!  All I can say is, willingness is key when you want to achieve something.  If you all know of any witch doctors or voodoo practitioners I should contact, please let me know in the Comments section.

After two years of not working, and many years before that of absolutely hating the work I did, I find it so interesting that I really do want to work!  I enjoy the feeling of productivity and I enjoy being busy.  It’s the human interaction and having to “play nice” that hangs me up and makes me want to take a big dump in the middle of the room.  Me oh my, why oh why was I given such a difficult personality???  I wish there was some “higher purpose” and that it was for some “greater good” and I could go “Ohhhhh YEAHHHH THIS is why I’m such a jerkoff!!!”  It’s all beautiful now!  I’m going to pray to my beautiful glass lotus flower for that to magically happen.  ‘Cause I don’t see a future of me shutting my mouth meekly or saying “Yes, Sir, No, Sir” in my future.  Anyone with any wisdom on the subject, please DO share!

Well I’m off to do my favorite activity, pick up prescriptions!  Those suckers at Walgreens must be wondering when my liver is gonna blow up already, with all the shit I take.  It takes a mountain of pills to keep this person going, I say!  Hope you all have a wondrous Sunday full of butterflies and rainbows.  Peach out!

Therapy Day, YAY!!

This is the first blog I’m writing on my Mac.  I’ve always been a pc person, but I have a Mac now too, and I’m trying to learn and adjust and not be so damn rigid and set in my ways.  Ya see?  You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!!  The old dog just needs to have a little willingness…

So here are the highlights of my life that I will regale my therapist with:  1.  Spider Trauma.  See my last post.  I’m still in hyper-alert mode and taking too much clonazepam to sleep.  2.  Dad trauma.  Do you fucking hate when you wake up in the morning to a group text saying “Dad is in the hospital emergency room . . .” — never happened to you?  Oh you just WAIT!  It has happened one too many times, and I’m sure it will happen some more, because Dad is old and weak and getting older and weaker.  This is a reality that is hard to deal with.  3.  Waking up to a text that my AUNT is in the hospital with chest pains (she has a heart condition).  Aunt is very narcissistic and, it turns out, has a very low threshold for pain.  ‘Twas not anything to do with her heart, but merely gastritis.  I kind of got a clue as to what a wimp she was to pain when they ripped the tape off to take her IV out, and she made horror-story faces like she was being stabbed.  AND she wouldn’t let the nurses discharge her until they looked at some pictures of her cats.  AND THEN she asked for the nurse’s phone number so she could call her and let her know how she was (I put the kibosh on that so the nurse didn’t have to say “Fuck no, lady!”)  4.  Work has wound down to sporadic calling in of prescriptions.  I can’t even pay my phone bill on this much work.  I took a long walk the other night and talked to God (not sure that God exists, but on the chance that s/he does, we had a chat).  What in the FUCK is going on?  Do you WANT me to go back to the work that I hate??  Do I have to hate life in order to live?  Can’t I have more work that I like?  SHOW ME A SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I’m sure God gets a lot of this “show me a sign” business and is probably fed up with it.  No signs thus far, and no work either.

Anyhoo, this fucking machine keeps autocorrecting my strange words, which is annoying. I won’t turn it off, though, because my many-times-fried brain gets stuck spelling long words and needs help.  Oh!  One more random fact, I got THREE HUNDRED BUCKS in Amazon gift cards for my birthday and am happily shopping away.  A bright spot!!!  Hope there’s a bright spot in your week too.  Toodles for now (almost autocorrected to Noodles, that would be stupid).  Hope you are well, friends!!!

**Trigger Warning** SPIDERS!!

Oh fuck do I hate spiders!  I mean REALLY hate spiders.  So it is a little bit hard to be living in my sister’s basement.  Albeit a very nice, finished basement, but still, a basement.  And in basements, there are spiders.  All over the place, I have sticky cardboard on the floor to catch spiders.  I spray spider spray (organic shit I made up from some recipe I found on the Interwebs) but STILL!  There are spiders.  Last week, as I was laying in bed, waking up, reading shit on my phone as I do most mornings, I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye.  What was it?  A FUCKING SPIDER ON MY BED!!!!!  I flew out of the bed, throwing off the covers, screaming like a murder was taking place.  Motherfucking spider!!!!!  I *think* I found the culprit, crawling up my wall, and summarily vacuumed it up with little hand vac (also known as a “spider vac”) but I have to tell you, sleeping hasn’t been the same since.  Also, I’ve had a spider in my shower, and a spider in my sink.  Uh, I’m more than a little obsessed about spiders now.  Is a spider crawling on me?  Going to bed is a trial.  I’m afraid to get in bed.  Then I’m afraid to be in bed.  Then I’m afraid to fall asleep.  Then some SHITHEAD posts on twitter about how many spiders we swallow while we’re asleep, and my head unscrews from my body and falls on the floor.  PEOPLE I THINK I MAY BE GOING CRAZY!!!  I have therapy on Wednesday the 20th (couldn’t have it yesterday because I was busy turning fifty fucking years old) and I think I’m going to ask for the big hocus-pocus:  EMDR.  I need some big magic to erase the Spider Mania that has possessed me.  If I have in turn possessed you, I apologize.  This is bad.  REAL BAD.

In other developments, I have quit using pot.  I know, I know.  I’m off, I’m on, I’m off, and then, I’m on.  I love my fucking pot.  But I don’t love the associated eating and piling on of fat!!!  And I can’t seem to do it on a casual basis.  It quickly becomes a daily habit, every day at 4pm, gotta eat the pot.  Gotta be stoned every night.  I was really worried about quitting, but thank Godwina, once I was off for a day, it was easy.  Pot is wayyyyyyy easier to quit than other stuff.  Like smoking.  Still smoking cigarettes.  Three to five a day.  Guilty as HELL!!!  Being a secret smoker, hiding it from my family, spritzing myself with a fabric softener/water mixture after smoking, oh it’s a bunch of bullshit and it’s really getting me down.  I even have a favorite uncle dying of lung cancer, and I’m smoking my cig’s.  Guilty, guilty, guilty.  I know NO ONE can relate to the self-defeating, addictive behaviors, right?  Ok.  I’m Bipolar.  We do this shit.

Even though I turned FIFTY!!!!!!!, it was a good birthday yesterday.  I had a great day with my sister, going to Mount Evans (elevation 14,265, temperature 45 degrees while it was 91 in Boulder) and seeing the big horn sheep and mountain goats.  It was super-fun and wayyyyy beautiful.  I’m grateful.  Hope all of you out there in blog-land are doing well!