Coloring Keeps Away The Crazy

Mandala

One of the better things I took away from my last visit to the looney bin was a set of coloring sheets.  I thought coloring was a distant memory from childhood, but I picked it up as an adult, and then I got serious about it and got myself some Gelly Roll metallic pens, which ROCK THE HOUSE, Y’ALL!!  The colors are electric and the pens make a wonderful deposit with each swish to the page.  These pens ain’t for wimps, y’all!  Through all of my stress lately, I’ve found myself sneaking down to my apartment to surreptitiously color.  No tv, no music, just coloring.  It takes me away!  I highly recommend it.  Here is a great page you can go to to print out mandalas to color, that’s where I got this one.  If you haven’t colored since you were a child, I highly encourage you to try it again!  Don’t worry about how you look, or who might bust you.  Just try it!  It soothes the soul, I promise.

Hope you all have a great day.  Peach out homies!

The New Normal

The New Normal for me is STRESS.  Stress, stress, and more stress.  Dad came out of the hospital and home to 24-hour nursing care and Hospice.  It was either that, or a nursing home, and none of us could tolerate the idea of a nursing home.  Medicare pays for Hospice, but the parents have to pay out of pocket for the 24-hour nursing ($22/hour!!!).  THANK GOD they have the means to do that.

It is SO STRESSFUL and SAD to see my Dad so ill and incapacitated!!!  He is also in so much denial!!  There he is in his hospital bed, telling me that he can get up and walk across the room, when he can’t even stand up, or wipe his own butt.  It makes me unbelievably sad to see him so humbled by life.  I hardly know what to do with my emotions.  Fortunately, I have had loads of work from Dr. HasHerShitTogether, so I’ve been keeping busy, and that helps A LOT.  Also, I’m broke as a joke and I need the damn money!  I just submitted my first invoice, so I should see a check soon.

I also did un-fire Dr. Flaky and I’m going to meet with her on Wednesday.  This should be a good source of some steady work for awhile, getting her caught up on everything, IF she behaves and keeps to her commitments.  I’m hopeful, but realistic.  It might work, but if it doesn’t, I’ll have to cut my losses.  We’ll see.  She IS a good person, she’s just very, very scattered.  If I can do some work to help her pull it together, so much the better.

Other than working and going to my parents, I haven’t had a life!  Today is the first chance I’ve even had to do my laundry.  My apartment is a total mess and I don’t know if I have the energy to clean it, even though it would make me feel better to have a more clean environment.  Where the hell are the little pixies and elves when you need them???

Well my friends, that’s my sorry update.  Oh, still not smoking, miracle of miracles!!  Mood still steady, second miracle.  I believe I am being visited by Grace.  I am grateful for that.  I hope you all are well.  Peace!

Dr. Flaky Is Trying To Un-Fire Herself

Well Dr. Flaky played the “I’m sorry and I own EVERYTHING card” with me, as well as the “Please will you reconsider” card.  TWO CARDS THAT I AM A TOTAL SUCKER FOR.  The thing is, Dr. Flaky “might” get her shit together and do all the things I said need to be done in order for me to be able to be an effective assistant for her.  Or, she might just charm me back and keep with her chaotic ways.  It’s a total crapshoot.  But, since I need the money and the work, I’m probably going to take the chance.

In my own personal chaos news, my Dad is in the hospital AGAIN.  This time might REALLY be IT.  He is a long-time sufferer of Pulmonary Fibrosis, a progressive disease which causes scarring on the lungs to the point that you just can’t breathe, and die.  Secondly, he has c-diff, a terrible toxin in the colin that causes your insides to liquidate and seep out in diarrhea.  Poor old guy has already lost ten pounds he couldn’t afford to lose.  Third, he has sepsis (a bacterial infection of the blood) from the c-diff.  FOURTH, he has an injured left shoulder that is so bad, you can’t even touch it and is on cancer-level painkillers for that.  In short, Dad is a mess, and he is so weak, I don’t know if he can come back from this.  We initially called 911 yesterday because he couldn’t stand up off the couch, so we couldn’t even take him to the hospital ourselves, because we couldn’t help him up with all his aches and pains.  (INAPPROPRIATE SIDE NOTE:  You should have SEEN the hot hunky firefighters!!  GodDAMN my clothes nearly FELL OFF!!!)

This is very, very painful to see my Dad so weak and in pain and I’ve gone into Supergirl Cope Mode (the crash will come) and am spending the nights at the hospital so that my poor fragile mother won’t sleep there, and subsequently fall apart herself.

On top of this, my dear Uncle Preston died last Monday.  We were making preparations to go to Montana for the funeral this Thursday, driving straight through with my crazy aunt in tow, which I was dreading because she is not so much crazy as she is self-absorbed to the most severe extent (called my Mom while we were in the emergency room to tell her all about her physical therapy and how well it’s going, couldn’t give a fuck that Mom was IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM WITH MY DAD!), etc.  She is more a crazy-making aunt.  Everyone around her goes bonkers trying to tolerate her.  And I was going to have to share a hotel room with her.  Also, I was asked to sing at the funeral and I have terrible stage fright.  So, mixed feelings about probably not going to Uncle Peppy’s funeral.

So, in summary, my life has slid into chaos.  Send spoons!!!  I will deal with this on an hour-by-hour basis.  I will not blow up at anyone.  I will not start smoking again.  I will not end up in the psych hospital.  I hope my Dad lives.  I guess that is all.  Hope you are having a much better weekend than I.

 

 

I Fired Dr. Flaky

Well, it happened.  I reached the end of my rope with Dr. Flaky.  I just realized as I was walking to the store last night that I was full of chaos, and it was HER chaos, and I DON’T NEED THAT!!!  She has assigned me tasks over & over & over and then not provided me with the information I need to complete said tasks.  I have emailed her over & over & over asking her for more information and received no response.  The same goes for texting.  No response.  This is a crazy-making situation.  The straw that broke the camel’s back was when she gave one of her patients my phone number yesterday and said “call my assistant” for statements on his account – and I had to send him an email, looking like a total idiot, reflecting the chaos that is Dr. Flaky’s practice – and telling him what information I had, and asking if it was correct and complete (knowing it was not).  This just is no way to run a business!!!!!  And I can’t be a part of this.  If she would allow me to run the business, I would have it in tip-top shape.  But for some reason she is holding on to the information and not using the new system I helped her build.  Garbage in —> Garbage out.  So, I sent her a very respectful letter of resignation.  She replied that she was very sad to receive it and wished that I had communicated my frustration.  I communicated like crazy with her, she just ignored me.  Hence the frustration.  She asked me to reconsider, and I sent her a second letter with my list of conditions, which I’m sure makes me come across as a control freak.  But I don’t care.  If she wants help running her business, she can take me up on my offer.  Otherwise, she can say b’bye and pay me what she owes me, which isn’t much.  She wasn’t even giving me five hours of work per week, so it’s no great loss financially.  It just came down to too much frustration for too little payoff.  I have to hope that more opportunities like Dr. HasHerShitTogether (my new client) will come my way.  Or, that I finally get Disability.  God knows I can’t work too much without my body erupting in fits of fibromyalgia pain.  Fuck, I don’t know what the answer is for me.  Only time will tell.  I think I’ll go look for work.  Have a good day, friends.

Living With Discomfort

Well today is Day 3 of not smoking (cigarettes, still off the pot too) and I have to tell you, it’s only hard when I have the feels!  Which is . . . much of the time.  I think I might be what you would call a “feeling stuffer” and no that is not a good thing.  I find that I have anxiety, sadness, and just plain boredom that I am used to smoking away.  In and out, that smoke does something with my feelings.  It’s fucking magic!  And no, it’s not just the nicotine.  I’m sitting here wearing an XL-Loaded-For-Bear-Strong-As-You-Can-Get nicotine patch.  It helps some.  But I still want that magical smoke going in and out of my lungs.  Somehow THAT is the hard part of the addiction to break.

This post isn’t meant to be all about smoking, however.  It’s about discomfort.  I seem to have a low tolerance for it.  I am trying to coach myself to sit with my discomfort.  To tell myself, it’s ok to be uncomfortable.  I can feel sad.  I can feel lonely.  I can feel bored.  I can deal.  What a novel idea!

With my work, Dr. Flaky brings out my inherent anxiety that I have had with every job.  Because I don’t hear from her for long stretches of time, I start to wonder if I’m fired.  When I email her and she doesn’t respond, I wonder if I’ve done something wrong.  She told me once that she trusts me, but once the trust is lost, it’s lost.  So I wonder, does she think I’ve done something untrustworthy?  I haven’t, but it’s all in her perceptions.  So, not hearing from her leaves my imagination to run wild.  Working for ANYONE brings out my insecurities, which leads to anxiety.  I’d rather not go through any of it, frankly.

I don’t know where to go with this, except to take my own advice:  treat yourself like you would your best friend.  Be kind.  Be compassionate.  Offer help.  Offer advice, which in the case of Dr. Flaky would be to detach from the situation, understand she earned her name, and she is who she is.  If you want to work for her you have to understand that things go on  her unstable timetable.  For right now, some work is better than no work, because some money is better than no money.  Keep looking for other opportunities.  Keep being professional.

With that, I think I’ll go troll the want ads.  I saw something on Twitter that said “If the door doesn’t open, it’s not your door.”  That is somewhat comforting to me.  If the opportunity is right for me, it will open up.  I hope all of you have wonderful, restful weekends!  Thanks for reading ❤

Hurry Up And Wait!

4

Well, things are moving slow on this end.  I got hired by a new doctor to help her with this electronic medical record software conversion, and then she promptly went on vacation (FUCK!).  She left me about an hour’s worth of work, which I promptly completed.  Meanwhile, Dr. Flaky and I met, and she gave me about three hours’ worth of work (FUCK, FUCK!).  This is NOT going to pay the bills.  The OTHER psychiatrist I interviewed with who said he wanted help with a software conversion has not gotten back to me.  So here I sit, thumb up my butt, panicking about money like nobody’s business.  I guess it’s back to the old drawing board for me.  Need to find something with substance to keep me busy and pay the bills.  Something I can count on.

ALSO, my poor dear Uncle Peppy is in the last stages of life, dying of lung cancer.  He is in the hospital, and has been told that he will never return home.  I have been so sad and grieving what he and my Aunt are going through.  I also have overcome my own hypocrisy and guilt of STILL SMOKING and have quit as of yesterday.  I know, it’s just one day, but I really, really, REALLY want to be done with smoking, feeling guilty, being a “secret smoker”, dousing myself with fabric softener solution so I don’t stink, multiple car fresheners, and all my miscellaneous bullshit around smoking.  I just want to be done!  I also can really feel the dent in my mood due to the grief of my Uncle passing (even though he hasn’t passed yet, the grief has already started).

FINALLY, because I know this post isn’t Debbie Downer-ish enough, I can feel the seasons beginning to change.  While on a walk with my crazy Aunt (different Aunt), I saw some trees whose leaves were starting to turn red (God DAMN it!) and I can feel the days shortening.  Also, the kids start school next week.  I just am NOT ready for summer to end!!!  Summer is my easy time for my mood, I just don’t have to work at it.  Now I can feel myself beginning to sink.  Granted, some of it is grief, but some of it is this.  So fuckety-fuck, I have to start getting proactive plans in place to bolster things up.  Being Bipolar ain’t for wimps, that’s for sure.

The one constant joy in my life is the honeybirds.  I posted a sweet picture from my backyard.  Expect to keep seeing them ’till I run out of good pictures.  There’s at least five more 🙂  Hope you all are holding up better than me . . . Let me know how you are!  And eat a peach in my honor, if you will.  Peaches, BPOF!

***UPDATE*** I just got an email from my mostly useless lawyer saying that he’s appealing my Disability decision (which was a “No”) to U.S. District Court so it appears that this is not over yet!!  I thought that I was fucked when it came to disability but maybe there’s one more chance!  Oh Lord please let it be so!!!  I was just telling my therapist yesterday that I have no idea how I’ll manage to function once the Winter Doldrums hit me and I’m really scared that I won’t be able to function at all.  So please Universe, let the U.S. District Court rule in my favor!!!!!  Improbable but maybe there is still hope!