Well today is Day 3 of not smoking (cigarettes, still off the pot too) and I have to tell you, it’s only hard when I have the feels! Which is . . . much of the time. I think I might be what you would call a “feeling stuffer” and no that is not a good thing. I find that I have anxiety, sadness, and just plain boredom that I am used to smoking away. In and out, that smoke does something with my feelings. It’s fucking magic! And no, it’s not just the nicotine. I’m sitting here wearing an XL-Loaded-For-Bear-Strong-As-You-Can-Get nicotine patch. It helps some. But I still want that magical smoke going in and out of my lungs. Somehow THAT is the hard part of the addiction to break.
This post isn’t meant to be all about smoking, however. It’s about discomfort. I seem to have a low tolerance for it. I am trying to coach myself to sit with my discomfort. To tell myself, it’s ok to be uncomfortable. I can feel sad. I can feel lonely. I can feel bored. I can deal. What a novel idea!
With my work, Dr. Flaky brings out my inherent anxiety that I have had with every job. Because I don’t hear from her for long stretches of time, I start to wonder if I’m fired. When I email her and she doesn’t respond, I wonder if I’ve done something wrong. She told me once that she trusts me, but once the trust is lost, it’s lost. So I wonder, does she think I’ve done something untrustworthy? I haven’t, but it’s all in her perceptions. So, not hearing from her leaves my imagination to run wild. Working for ANYONE brings out my insecurities, which leads to anxiety. I’d rather not go through any of it, frankly.
I don’t know where to go with this, except to take my own advice: treat yourself like you would your best friend. Be kind. Be compassionate. Offer help. Offer advice, which in the case of Dr. Flaky would be to detach from the situation, understand she earned her name, and she is who she is. If you want to work for her you have to understand that things go on her unstable timetable. For right now, some work is better than no work, because some money is better than no money. Keep looking for other opportunities. Keep being professional.
With that, I think I’ll go troll the want ads. I saw something on Twitter that said “If the door doesn’t open, it’s not your door.” That is somewhat comforting to me. If the opportunity is right for me, it will open up. I hope all of you have wonderful, restful weekends! Thanks for reading ❤