Well, goddamn. Didja think it wouldn’t happen this year? Well, yeah, I kinda forgot. Here came the shorter days, the light changed and *BAM*, Superman, my mood took a dump. GOD DAMN IT!!! Why Lord WHY??? It’s like fucking magic!!! The days get shorter, and I get fatter. It’s just amazing. Yet, it’s not. It sucks. And I had totally forgotten about THIS thought process while driving, and you see a stupid oncoming car, and you think “What if it hits me?” and then your next thought is “I don’t care, let me die.” It’s such a bitter disappointment to be back to that. SHIT! It’s like all Spring and Summer, I didn’t even have to try. And now, just as the light leaves, my mood dips, I get fat and lazy, and it’s time to go into overdrive with trying. Trying to live. Trying to be healthy. Trying to exercise. Trying to eat something besides sugar. Trying to regulate my mood. TRYING!!! Oh fuck me I don’t know if I have the energy for all this trying. And yet. The looming threat of hospitalization can motivate even the laziest person, like me. Thinking about being in the hospital, and having my phone taken away, and having these bitchy bitches waking me up at 5am for bloodwork, and having to go to Group Therapy to earn the right to go outside and smoke (I’m still not smoking but if I got hospitalized I would have to smoke)….well all these thoughts make me a little less lazy. So! I think I’ll drink a little more caffeine, and I’ll force myself to do a little work, before I force myself to take a shower, and then force myself to go to a meeting with Dr. Flaky, and then after that I’ll force myself to go to Costco. And somewhere along the line I’ll forget that I’m forcing myself, and it’ll just feel like life again. At least, that’s what I hope.