The Temperature Is Falling, And So Is My Mood

Well, goddamn.  Didja think it wouldn’t happen this year?  Well, yeah, I kinda forgot.  Here came the shorter days, the light changed and *BAM*, Superman, my mood took a dump.  GOD DAMN IT!!!  Why Lord WHY???  It’s like fucking magic!!!  The days get shorter, and I get fatter.  It’s just amazing.  Yet, it’s not.  It sucks.  And I had totally forgotten about THIS thought process while driving, and you see a stupid oncoming car, and you think “What if it hits me?” and then your next thought is “I don’t care, let me die.”  It’s such a bitter disappointment to be back to that.  SHIT!  It’s like all Spring and Summer, I didn’t even have to try.  And now, just as the light leaves, my mood dips, I get fat and lazy, and it’s time to go into overdrive with trying.  Trying to live.  Trying to be healthy.  Trying to exercise.  Trying to eat something besides sugar.  Trying to regulate my mood.  TRYING!!!  Oh fuck me I don’t know if I have the energy for all this trying.  And yet.  The looming threat of hospitalization can motivate even the laziest person, like me.  Thinking about being in the hospital, and having my phone taken away, and having these bitchy bitches waking me up at 5am for bloodwork, and having to go to Group Therapy to earn the right to go outside and smoke (I’m still not smoking but if I got hospitalized I would have to smoke)….well all these thoughts make me a little less lazy.  So!  I think I’ll drink a little more caffeine, and I’ll force myself to do a little work, before I force myself to take a shower, and then force myself to go to a meeting with Dr. Flaky, and then after that I’ll force myself to go to Costco.  And somewhere along the line I’ll forget that I’m forcing myself, and it’ll just feel like life again.  At least, that’s what I hope.

11 thoughts on “The Temperature Is Falling, And So Is My Mood

  1. I have the same problem as the days get shorter. I absolutely hate the summer solstice because I know it’s downhill from there. I agree about forcing yourself to do those things and maybe you won’t have to force it anymore. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t, but I’m glad to see you are going to try.

    I’ll be thinking of you my friend.

  2. sorry..i know its gloomy but made me laugh too… agree with Millie , hang on in there..and don;t disregard the fact that you’ve had a seriously rough couple of months..AND you’ve stopped smoking..would have me curled up in foetal position for a year or two.. good to hear from ya though ..
    … xx

  3. Yes, I do this same thing every year. Have a sun lamp? Get it out girl! If not, buy one, they are not too expensive. It is about the only thing that helps me with the dark and the cold.

  4. Oh honey, I get it.

    I NEVER want to return to a “Dog Kennel” – damn, the dog kennels around here are way nicer than the creepy units I stayed at!!!!!

    I’m proud of you for fighting the shit, and for being a little less lazy. After reading your last few posts, I know that you can do ANYTHING!
    You can kick the fall’s ass and you WILL!

    As wise Bradley said, try to force yourself and it might work.

    I discovered a bit of tasty evil, and while some people will frown at me for suggesting this option, I can take it. Last month I bought an organic, high-caffeine coffee called “Wicked Wake Up” and it gets me going in a good way – I don’t get too freaked on it. I built up a tolerance to regular coffee’s buzz, I guess. After a cup of Wicked, I stopped taking horrible fatiguey afternoonn naps where I wasn’t even really napping.

    If you email me your mailing address, I’ll send you a 1/2 pound, okay?
    Let me know if you want beans or ground.

    LOVE YOU!!!!!!
    I’ll “see” you more now that I’m back on twitter.
    Keep us posted on how you’re doing!!!!!

  5. I’m sorry you’re feeling so shitty. That ‘try, try, try’ feeling is exhausting and demotivating. But sometimes after trying for a while momentum can take over and starts leading you along. What helps me is cutting back on my expectation of myself. When you’re trying so hard, it’s the small things that count – like taking a bath. I washed my hair yesterday…. that was HUGE!!! . Take care my friend xx

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