Life Is Turned Upside Down

Well, it just takes one little conversation to turn life upside down sometimes.  In this particular instance, it was my dear sister whom I live with, who came down to “check in” with me, and informed me that she “needs her space” and needs me to move out of her house.  Boy I did not see that one coming.  While it’s true that there’s been times I’ve felt unwelcome here, I thought that overall she saw my being here as a benefit when it comes to her two kids, and having an extra adult in the home.  I guess not.

 So, a little bit of turmoil.  No, lots of turmoil.  Because the money I’m making right now isn’t enough to support me in my own place.  And the last time I had a full-time job, I was so stressed out, and wanted to die, on the regular.  And now, I’m looking at having to get another full-time job.  Ready or not.  Well or not.  Able or not.  So, with a gag in my throat, I have applied for three IT jobs today.  Really, they’ll probably all laugh me out of the room.  I haven’t worked in the field in 2 ½ years.  Fuck me!  But, what am I supposed to do?  This is an expensive-as-hell town and I need to make some money.  Oh God, this is so not me…..

 Have I mentioned that I basically hate my sister for putting me in this situation?  I know, I know, she has a right to her space.  It’s her house, if she wants me to move out, she has a right to ask.  But Jesus Christ!  Does she realize what a fucking crisis this is creating for me?????

Well enough of this Debbie Downer post.  I don’t know what to tell you, or ME, for that matter.  Life has to go on.  I think.  I HAVE thought about just killing myself to get out of this difficult situation.  But once again I think about all the people I’d hurt, and I’m like, fuck, I better live.  DAMMIT!!

30 thoughts on “Life Is Turned Upside Down

  1. I’m glad you decided to live. That’s a damn good start. Have you considered just renting a room? Would that be in your budget? I live in an expensive town too and have friends who rent a room with bathroom and kitchen privileges. I know it still sucks, but may be an option for you. Good luck, my friend.

    • Thanks for the comment Bradley. No I haven’t considered renting a room because I have a house full of stuff that I don’t want to put back in storage. Plus I don’t want to give someone else the power to kick me out and destabilize me like this.

    • Thank you Jess. My sister REALLY doesn’t realize how this is impacting me, it’s true. I don’t know what to do. Just what I can, I guess. Which is to try to move forward, as bad as I feel 😦

  2. This situation totally sucks, as my buddy Bradley wrote. It sucks shit. But you are one strong woman and I get that feeling from this post.

    However, I’m glad you’re honest with us about feeling suicidal too – that takes guts just to write it down. BUT, you can’t kill yourself because I already ordered you a pound of Rocket Fuel for November, and I don’t do that for ANYONE else, girl! You gotta stick around for it – it’s not optional!!! ☕️☕️☕️

    I rented rooms in homes (UGH) and I rented studios over two decades, but most of the (mostly) evil 😈landlords charged a lot for studios. Plus, yeah, I know you live in a super-pricey area. It’s their karma, those anal bloodfarts! 💩Even so….what about taking a look on Craigslist – you never know!

    In the meantime, I’ll keep you in my angel prayers that you get job offers on all 3 IT positions and that things get better quick!!!!! I’m proud of you for applying for those jobs – give yourself credit for doing that. They would all be lucky to have you – you’re razor-sharp and you would be an asset!

    I’m gonna make myself a cup of the WICKED WAKE-UP in your honor, extra-strong, baby! I love you and when you’re feeling low, keep reaching out to us like this, okay? XOXOOXOXOXOXO!!!

    • Thank you for your comments, and THANK YOU FOR THE COFFEE!! That is truly uplifting. As are your comments 🙂 I don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do. But I appreciate your support, always 😀

  3. Ask your sister what specifically you do that is “cramping her style”. It may be something fixable that you are simply not aware of. It’s worth a shot.

    I’ve had a lot of different people live in my house. If they had ever asked me that question, it could have helped things.

    Good luck to you. Big hugs.

    • I don’t even feel like it’s worth it to ask her what is “cramping her style” – I am too full of anger and resentment at this point. I have tried to be so accomodating and unobtrusive already. But I appreciate your feedback.

  4. I am so sorry you’re being put in this situation. I know what it’s like to struggle financially and to not be ready to work full time. I just want to say how brave you are for already looking for a new job and taking control of the situation. And you have decided to live- that is most important of all!!

  5. I’ve had to go back to work because my freelancing had dried up and we weren’t making enough to live on; I’ve been back 3 weeks part time (29 hours/week) after searching for a job for ages and I’m still not sure I’m fully prepared for this job once my training is done and I have to actually do the job on my own. It sucks being forced into these situations when you’re not ready, especially by family. I hope your situation turns around for you soon.

    • It is truly a bitch that life is not always as gentle as we need it to be. That’s all I can take from this. Sometimes life just throws you a curve ball and you have to fling yourself across the field to catch it. I’m flinging. And I see you are too. DAMMIT!

  6. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I wish there was some advise I could give you, but to be honest I don’t have any.
    As other people have mentioned, just saying how you are truly feeling is important, and so much stronger than many (myself included). I wish you the best of luck and if there is anything I can do to lend a hand, or a person to vent at, I am here.

  7. I can so relate. I was living with my sister and family in ca. They had a little bump in the road with their marriage and asked me to move out in two weeks. I too couldn’t afford to live on my own so I moved backed to Denver to live with my mom. I guess in the end I understand, but I too feel it could have been handled a little different since I was contributing so much around their house that I felt she could have been not so abrupt about it. I hope you land on your feet!

  8. Geez I can’t believe it. Just move out, like that, with no negotiation or discussion!? That is harsh. I’d hate her too. I have a full time job and most days, most, not a few, most days, I can barely cope. So I understand your fear. But I just do cope. When you have to, you just do. I don’t know how, but you just do. Two and a half years isn’t long to be out the job market. You’re intelligent, funny and personable, I doubt you’ll have trouble finding what fits you. It a case of taking one day at a time. I’m sorry your world has been turned upside down. It’s a frightening and insecure place to be. I know that place, and hope I have at the very least shared some kind of comfort with you. You are going to be okay. Things will fall into place, even though they feel like they’re falling apart. Everyday you show up for Life, Life will show up for you. Keep us posted, I’m concerned. Much love to you my friend xxx ❤

    • Thank you Pieces for your sage counsel. I don’t know how I’ll cope. It seems like I get into situations, like jobs, for instance, and things might be going along well, and then all of a sudden my mood goes wonky and I don’t even realize that I’m alienating people, but I am!! It seems so out of my control. I don’t have any confidence in my ability to control what comes out of my mouth, I guess. Well, fuck. That’s the gist of it. I don’t know WHAT I’m gonna do. I’m like, nice until I’m not. Know what I mean??? Oh this situation is so FUBAR….

      • I know exactly what you mean. Especially about alienating people and not realising your behaviour is off. I’ve created many a gossip grape vine!!! My strategy is… and its not for everyone… I JUST DON’T TALK. I say hello, laugh at a joke, maybe make a funny comment, say have a good evening. And that’s it. It is the only way I cope at work. It is extreme. But I have found people find me more agreeable when I’m silent. I cause ‘less of a stir’. I listen to music and stand up comedy the entire day as I work. I say ‘yes’, ‘sure’, ‘no problem’ to every request. I’ve learnt that keeps me out of trouble. I know its an extreme and possibly unusual approach, but it helps hiding the uncontrolable side of mood swing etc. You’re in a hell of a situation. I just cannot believe your sister has done this to you. Or, when you get a job, let’s swap emails and ‘chat’ so at least we’re talking to SOMEONE during the day. This is a frightening situation and please know I am here for you ❤ ❤ ❤

      • Thank you so much, Pieces!!! It will be nice to have someone to talk to who gets me. It will also be hard to keep my big mouth shut but I think that’s a good strategy 🙂

  9. I went back after 6 years…terrifying at first but then odd moments when i realise i know my stuff…and my god, so good to see real money again….at least we have valuable skills…I did 6 months in a call centre and it nearly killed me, for a third I’m earning now… just keep going forward… it’ll be ok… if it ends with you in your own house with a decent wage and maybe, just maybe, a job that doesn’t kill you…that would be a result and theres only one way to find out..and please don;t kill yourself, I get why you would want to, and its very selfish of me to ask …but I would be absolutely gutted xxx

  10. I am so sorry this is happening to you and especially that it is your sister. It is so hard when you feel like your family is not there for you. I know I have absolutely no help or support from any of my family whatsoever. My family loved me until I became diagonsed with Bipolar Disorder and then and now they threw me aways. They all will only talk to me when I am feeling well.

    One time I lived in a homeless shelter with my 7 year old daughter and a severely fractured ankle for 3 months and they never helped me..not one of them. The worst part is that they all have money too.

    That was an extremely difficult season of my life to say the least…. but guess what I survived and things got better.They will get better for you too. It may seem like it won’t but it will. I survived and so will you. God has a plan for all of this. Right now it seems like it is a long endless journey but there is a reason for all of it and at the end of this painful journey there will be this beautiful yellow brick road of happiness…something better will turn out for you. Persevere. You can make it. You are strong and you are a survivor. Forgive your sister and let that anger and pain go so that won’t set you back. Move on. You can do it. You will make it!!!! Good luck!!! Hugs!!!

      • You will get through this. When we are slam bam right in the middle of it, it doesn’t feel like it will ever end or that we have the strength to make it though and survive, Believe me you can do it and you will look back on this one day and realize how strong you are to overcome this You will make it. We are strong and you are a Bipolar Survivor. God bless you. More hugs to you!!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s