Whole Lotta Nothin’

What do I got?  A whole lotta nothin’.  Nothin’ to report on the IT Training front.  Nothin’ to report on the jobs front.  Nothin’ to report on the finding a place to live front, unless you count looking at complete dumps for wayyyyy too much money.  This has happened to me before.  This time around the holidays, everything slowwwwwws downnnnnnn to a crawl.  Now normally when things aren’t going my way, I do one of three things:  I eat, I drink, or I get high.  Right now, I’m doing all three.  I’m like a runaway train.  Destination Unknown!  Can you get there from here?  Who the hell knows!  Climb aboard!  Oh and by the way, just to prove to you that Amazon has FUCKING EVERYTHING, I searched for “synthetic urine” (in case I need to pass a pre-employment drug screening) and THEY HAVE IT!!  Oh Amazon, how I love you.  I think I’ll search Amazon for turds.  Just for fun.  I know I’ll regret it because I’ll have all sorts of scatological shit (get it?) showing up in my Facebook ads feed (sneaky fuckers) but what the fuck I like to fuck with Amazon since they like to take my money.  Annnnnd the answer is they have a Tommy the Turd Toy Set!  And I thought it’d show a picture of Donald Trump….silly me!  When I learn how to be a computer hacker I’m going to substitute Donald Trump’s face for the word “turd” all over the Interwebs!  I promise!  I know, grandiose.  This is what happens when I have nothing to tell you.  I turn to fantasy.

Speaking of turds, my Dad (who is generally a turd) is going for a consultation for a Fecal Transplant on Friday!  Can you THINK of anything more disgusting?  No?  Well read on…. Yes he’s hoping for a Fecal Transplant because he can’t seem to kick this C-Diff infection (which causes deadly diarrhea) and where do they get the feces for transplantation?  They have a STOOL BANK!!!  Can you imagine working in a Stool Bank??  “What do you do, Carl?”  “Oh, I work with pieces of shit.”  “Oh Carl, don’t be so derogatory!”  “Uh no, I literally work with shit all day every day.”  “I’m so sorry, Carl.”

 I’m glad I’m not Carl. 

Plan B…..Or is it C? D? E or F?

Well Dog sure works in mysterious ways, I’ve got to say…I got some calls this week.  I’ve been getting lots of calls since making my resume public on Monster and Dice, and frankly it’s a bit of a pain in the ass.  So there were these two particular telephone calls, I had a bad attitude and I wasn’t going to call them back, but there on my Reminders list on Wednesday at 8am was “Call two guys back” so I dutifully did it.  Call #2 was nothing to write home about but Call #1 was…interesting.  This guy was reviewing my resume…saying “I see here you left so-and-so in 2014 and you had a gap of a couple of years and then you started this medical thing…” and I’m like yeah, I’m a loser, so what, and he starts telling me about this grant program that the county workforce centers have for retraining, you have to have been out of the job market for awhile, then underemployed…and I’m thinking, is he going to offer me some training job?  Because I’m wildly unqualified . . . but what he’s offering is not that, but to help get me into some advanced IT training so that I could move up in my career!  And as I start to realize what an opportunity this is, it’s all I can do not to start crying my fucking eyes out, because it just feels like a fucking miracle, because I’m so fucking depressed about going back into IT Support, I feel like I’m eating shit when I apply for these jobs, and have to talk to people and act like I want the job.  So on Thursday, I drove to hell and back in a snowstorm to learn more about this program, and it does seem legit, they submitted my name to the Boulder workforce center to apply for a grant for $5,000 for training in IT Security.  If I were to take these classes and get these certifications (very, very, VERY hard but I am motivated) I would move many, many rungs up the IT Food Chain.  So the long and short of it is, I went from Tuesday, telling my parents that my psychiatrist might hospitalize me the next day when I saw him, to actually having some HOPEHOPE!  It’s nowhere near a done deal yet, but my GOD I have some hope of doing something other than IT Support and making a literal shitload of money.  Enough to save for retirement, what an idea, since my Bipolar ass has so far cashed in all of my previous 401(k)’s.

I have to admit I am a bit of a bundle of nerves, thinking how hard these classes will be, #1.  And #2, dealing with the sexism in IT, which let’s face it, is a Man’s World, will be even worse at a higher level.  It woke me up at 3:30 this morning and I couldn’t fall back asleep thinking about these things.  But what I hope is that, if the Universe creates a way for me to take these classes, the Universe will also grace me with a way to deal with the negatives.  I can’t let myself get too overwhelmed, or I’ll quit before I start.  Bearing in mind that I only fleetingly believe in God, I’ll still quote this quote, which is “If God can lead you to it, s/he can lead you through it.”  I guess I’m going to go with that.

I hope you’re all well, and whether you are or are not, let me know.  I’ve gotten so much support here and I hope to dish some out as well.  Thank you, friends.  Peach out!

Flushing My Life…One Flush At A Time

Well I feel like I’m flushing my life down the toilet.  I think it’s because I’m so angry with my sister, and alienation doesn’t suit me.  I try to stay downstairs (if you’re a loser and you haven’t kept up with my blog, I live in the basement of my sister’s house, but she’s asked me to move out, because she “needs her space”, and while in a way that’s rational, in an irrational way I hate her for it, because I’m not well enough to work full time and support myself, so I’m panicking and looking for jobs that I don’t even know if I can sustain for more than a week..) – whew!  So!  I try to stay downstairs.  And I hate her.  And I get stoned every day at the end of the day.  And then I eat ALL THE FOOD.  It’s grand, believe me!

Tonight I feel especially turd-like because my niece, hateful sister’s daughter, my goddaughter, had a show choir concert, and I didn’t go.  Granted, I was working on Dr. Flaky’s voicemail report.  BUT I could have cut that short with some careful bullshit and gone.  It’s just that I’m enough of an asshole that I couldn’t force myself to go be with people, a whole big group of people, and play nice with my sister, and sit uncomfortably. even if it was the right thing to do.  It’s a sad fact that sometimes when the going gets rough, I wimp out.  I don’t do the right thing.

Speaking of not doing the right thing, as of today I *was* quitting pot!  Because I have had two interviews, count them, two, with some place that clearly has no judgment because they’ve talked to me twice (just kidding, they can’t see my bad behavior, I actually have a great resume).  So I thought, if I get a third interview, and maybe get hired, I have just enough time to quit pot and pass a drug test.  However!  I feel like shit about myself, so what did I do?  I took a double-dose.  Just to see what happens.  Hopefully I will just watch murder porn (The First 48 is the worst and the best) and fall asleep.  HOPEFULLY that’s all that happens.

So maybe I will get a job.  Maybe I will pass the drug test, that’s a challenge I don’t know if I’m up for.  But FUCK ME do I want to get out of here!!  And then there’s that maybe….maybe I will *keep* a job.  Oh I’m so full of worry and self-doubt, it’s a wonder I can even walk and talk.  I don’t know what’s going to happen.  Except I suspect my sister is going to kick me the fuck out at some point.  Jeeeeeesus take the wheel.  Take it ALL!  *Drops the mic*