Flushing My Life…One Flush At A Time

Well I feel like I’m flushing my life down the toilet.  I think it’s because I’m so angry with my sister, and alienation doesn’t suit me.  I try to stay downstairs (if you’re a loser and you haven’t kept up with my blog, I live in the basement of my sister’s house, but she’s asked me to move out, because she “needs her space”, and while in a way that’s rational, in an irrational way I hate her for it, because I’m not well enough to work full time and support myself, so I’m panicking and looking for jobs that I don’t even know if I can sustain for more than a week..) – whew!  So!  I try to stay downstairs.  And I hate her.  And I get stoned every day at the end of the day.  And then I eat ALL THE FOOD.  It’s grand, believe me!

Tonight I feel especially turd-like because my niece, hateful sister’s daughter, my goddaughter, had a show choir concert, and I didn’t go.  Granted, I was working on Dr. Flaky’s voicemail report.  BUT I could have cut that short with some careful bullshit and gone.  It’s just that I’m enough of an asshole that I couldn’t force myself to go be with people, a whole big group of people, and play nice with my sister, and sit uncomfortably. even if it was the right thing to do.  It’s a sad fact that sometimes when the going gets rough, I wimp out.  I don’t do the right thing.

Speaking of not doing the right thing, as of today I *was* quitting pot!  Because I have had two interviews, count them, two, with some place that clearly has no judgment because they’ve talked to me twice (just kidding, they can’t see my bad behavior, I actually have a great resume).  So I thought, if I get a third interview, and maybe get hired, I have just enough time to quit pot and pass a drug test.  However!  I feel like shit about myself, so what did I do?  I took a double-dose.  Just to see what happens.  Hopefully I will just watch murder porn (The First 48 is the worst and the best) and fall asleep.  HOPEFULLY that’s all that happens.

So maybe I will get a job.  Maybe I will pass the drug test, that’s a challenge I don’t know if I’m up for.  But FUCK ME do I want to get out of here!!  And then there’s that maybe….maybe I will *keep* a job.  Oh I’m so full of worry and self-doubt, it’s a wonder I can even walk and talk.  I don’t know what’s going to happen.  Except I suspect my sister is going to kick me the fuck out at some point.  Jeeeeeesus take the wheel.  Take it ALL!  *Drops the mic*


6 thoughts on “Flushing My Life…One Flush At A Time

  1. My heart goes out to you. I can totally relate as I was living with my sister and her family for the past year. Just moved back to Denver from CA. Living with my mom now and we are buying a house together, so it is interesting how the change of events stear our lives in unique ways. I hope for you the journey forward starts to reveal itself and you find suitable place of work and home. Keep the writing up as it helps others and may be therapeutic for you.

  2. I understand the need to quit smoking pot. Especially if you plan on going back into the work force. The thing is, I don’t think going back to work just to leave your sister’s place is a good thing. If you get a job you have to do it for yourself. Just like you have to quit pot for yourself. If you do it for other reasons you’ll feel like an even bigger failure if you don’t succeed. Which is already bad enough if you happen to have the invading thoughts that constantly question your self worth, like I do. Remember that you are not a bum just because you have a hard time dealing with everyday life. Talk with someone that is not family about your choices and what you can do. Family is always biased in one form or another.

  3. Girl, you wrote “It’s a sad fact that sometimes when the going gets rough, I wimp out.” but I don’t see it that way AT ALL! You were protecting yourself from a toxic situation!!! I think you’re the opposite of wimp!

    I like love2freely’s advice, but I completely understand you feel forced to get that job no matter what – whether you stay or leave @ your sister’s. I bet you’ll get that job. You’re charming, brilliant, and hardworking. I live in a super-pot-friendly town, where it’s viewed as medicinal. If only you could have some but not eat all the food! My friend at @ccwcenter could advise/support you via Twitter – she’s amazing and I adore her – she truly cares about people who struggle the way we do. It’s just a thought, honey! No pressure.

    Oh damn. Lucy just farted. These farts are deadly, my friend – I’m getting woozy.
    Too bad we can’t lock Lucy’s gassy, adorable self in a bathroom with Fuckheadump and send him to oblivion!!!!

    Love you, keep writing just like EJ suggests – we learn from your posts and you inspire so many with your perseverance – plus you’re hilarious. When you face some of the worst life has to offer – this situation, your Dad, etc., you still manage to make us laugh. That’s a gift.

  4. can i say “i feel your pain”? because of my bipolar / anxiety i’m on the second pass through of living in my parents basement (luckily…and it all seems to fall down to luck unfortunately…just until my new tiny abode is available at the beginning of December) and it really it is…well Sartre said hell is others and I have to agree with him…i’ve been dealing with the whole pot thing for slightly different reasons,,,i need to get a new prescription doctor and of course he or she ain’t going to approve of my use of pot as part of my medicine regime, although it works better than what the pharmaceutical companies can come up with…thank you mother nature…and just why is it okay to have a couple glasses of wine in the evening, but take a few tokes and you’re a scourge of society?.,,errrg….why so many people think it’s okay for companies to drug test as a matter of policy as opposed to doing it only when something happens at work to indicate possible abuse…we’re guilty until proven innocent, which will never be proven, so we are always guilty…and just had a tiff with family over participating in the holiday gatherings approaching…they will say in one breath they “get it” when it comes to my mood swings that interfere with socializing, especially in large groups of people, but when push comes to shove, they’re basically ‘buck up and get with the program.’ *Drops the mic*

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