Well I feel like I’m flushing my life down the toilet. I think it’s because I’m so angry with my sister, and alienation doesn’t suit me. I try to stay downstairs (if you’re a loser and you haven’t kept up with my blog, I live in the basement of my sister’s house, but she’s asked me to move out, because she “needs her space”, and while in a way that’s rational, in an irrational way I hate her for it, because I’m not well enough to work full time and support myself, so I’m panicking and looking for jobs that I don’t even know if I can sustain for more than a week..) – whew! So! I try to stay downstairs. And I hate her. And I get stoned every day at the end of the day. And then I eat ALL THE FOOD. It’s grand, believe me!
Tonight I feel especially turd-like because my niece, hateful sister’s daughter, my goddaughter, had a show choir concert, and I didn’t go. Granted, I was working on Dr. Flaky’s voicemail report. BUT I could have cut that short with some careful bullshit and gone. It’s just that I’m enough of an asshole that I couldn’t force myself to go be with people, a whole big group of people, and play nice with my sister, and sit uncomfortably. even if it was the right thing to do. It’s a sad fact that sometimes when the going gets rough, I wimp out. I don’t do the right thing.
Speaking of not doing the right thing, as of today I *was* quitting pot! Because I have had two interviews, count them, two, with some place that clearly has no judgment because they’ve talked to me twice (just kidding, they can’t see my bad behavior, I actually have a great resume). So I thought, if I get a third interview, and maybe get hired, I have just enough time to quit pot and pass a drug test. However! I feel like shit about myself, so what did I do? I took a double-dose. Just to see what happens. Hopefully I will just watch murder porn (The First 48 is the worst and the best) and fall asleep. HOPEFULLY that’s all that happens.
So maybe I will get a job. Maybe I will pass the drug test, that’s a challenge I don’t know if I’m up for. But FUCK ME do I want to get out of here!! And then there’s that maybe….maybe I will *keep* a job. Oh I’m so full of worry and self-doubt, it’s a wonder I can even walk and talk. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Except I suspect my sister is going to kick me the fuck out at some point. Jeeeeeesus take the wheel. Take it ALL! *Drops the mic*