…And On It Goes

Sometimes I feel like life is just relentless.  It just goes on and on and on whether you like it or not.  I guess I’m talking about this damn job search.  It just goes on and on.  Week in and week out and I have no news.  Jesus Christ!  Granted, Colorado has the lowest unemployment rate of any state, so the jobs are few & far between and the competition for the few open positions seems to be fierce.  I’m starting to feel desperate.  Fuck, I just applied for a job with HUSTLER!  Yeah, you heard me right.  They have a video-streaming operation in Boulder, apparently.  Can you even imagine?  “Who do your work for?”  “Oh the local porn streamer.”  I’d have so much pride.  Cocks and balls all day.  Oh joy!!  But goddamn these bills ain’t gonna pay themselves!!  WATCH.  Out of all the damn jobs I’ve applied for, I’ll hear from Hustler.

On the Parental Unit front, Dad seems to have C. Diff again, which if you don’t know, causes uncontrollable explosive diarrhea (I know, you could have done without that knowledge).  In addition to that, he tripped over the dog the other night and fell and injured his knee, so he’s not too mobile.  Bad combination.  I am one big stress and worry ball over Dad.  He’s been near death from the C. Diff in the past (yes it is that bad) and no matter what is wrong with his knee, doctors can’t do much, because he can’t have surgery due to his pulmonary fibrosis, and he can’t take any good painkillers due to his terrible stomach.  So, Dad is in terrible shape.  Getting old is cruel, I tell ya.

So, we’ve got a possible porn job, and explosive diarrhea.  Such an uplifting post, I know.  I’ll try to come up with something better for my next post.  Maybe a yeast infection.  I’m not making any promises, though.  I’m seeing the dickhead Dr. Drugs in the morning, wish me luck.  We are going to WAR over my antidepressant.  Hope you are all well.  Peaches!

Gone Camping

forest flowers

I had one spectacular night away in the mountains and it reminded me about everything that is right in the world, like forests, and no phones, and singing birds, cheeping chipmunks, even a bobcat sprinting across the highway in front of us!!  It was so peaceful and beautiful and I temporarily forgot about the job search and money stress and everything else.  It was a great getaway with my sister.  We even took some hikes (she would just call them walks) and I got some good exercise, imagine that!!  And I didn’t smoke, even.  I slept like the dead for about twelve hours and it was heaven.  Unless I start a job next week, we are going again.  Well, my family will go, with or without me 😉 but hopefully I get to go for a little longer stay with the nieces and nephews.

I got home and checked my bank balance and all hell broke loose internally – down to my last $1,000 after paying rent.  I was at a super-low last night.  I don’t know what to say.  Financial insecurity and looking for a job that I don’t want has got me down to the edge.  I’m seeing my therapist today, good thing!!  I will see the dickhead Dr. Drugs on Monday and we will spar some more about how he is cutting my meds right and left.  Maybe I will punch him.  Not making any promises.

I saw Dr. Flaky today and she just handed me a blank check to write my own check.  She has written the check wrong so many times, she’s just leaving it to me now.  I guess that’s trust!!  I could have written it for a thousand bucks, that would have been nice, but whoa the circle of trust would have been broken forever so I guess it’s good I didn’t do that.  I told her I would write an ad for my job so she can fill it when I go and we both got sad.  I genuinely like Dr. Flaky, despite her flakiness!  She is still a good and kind person.  It will be tough to leave her.

Well I’m off to meet my sister and nieces and nephew for lunch.  My generous sister is going to give me some money ISN’T THAT NICE?!  She is a gem.  Hope all is well in your world.  Peach out, homie!

Trying To Believe In Something Better

BELIEVEWell you all know how the job search has gotten me down.  No one in the security field will even contact me in response to my resume.  But, I can’t believe that these certifications mean nothing!  I have 25 years’ experience (lots of starts and stops, thank you Bipolar Disorder) but still I do have the experience in the IT field.  So, I thought, maybe I should shoot for an entry-level Systems Engineer job, because Systems Engineers become Security Engineers!  I mean, I have to be strategic here and play the long game.  So, today I have been applying for every single entry-level Systems Engineer job I can find.  Maybe I will have a better shot at getting a response.  I don’t know.  But I can’t just give up and go back to my old field.  I didn’t work so hard these past few months on these certifications just to go back to Desktop Support.  There HAS to be a way forward!!!!!

“Believe” is my faith word and it is what has gotten me through many a hard time.  Believe things can be better.  Believe you can get through this.  Believe you can rise above.  I have to Believe.  Bipolar Disorder doesn’t have me beaten.

P.S. – I put this “BELIEVE” sign in every room of my house to remind me 🙂

 

I Want This Job

Well I had the written assessment for the bleh temporary Desktop Support job yesterday and the person who would be the boss was administering it.  She seemed very cool and laid back and I got the feeling that I would like very much to work for her.  I feel like this would be the best situation for me if I have to get a job right now, it would be something I could do while I continue to look for a security position.  It would be a good situation to ease me back into full-time work after so much time not working (except for my cushy part-time stuff).  They are flexible about whether you take a lunch hour or not and I think they would let me go see the doctor without any b.s. which would really reduce my stress level.  So I am willing the phone to ring with good news.  Say your prayers for me or send me good juju or whatever you’re able to do please!!  Thank you!!

 

**UPDATE**  —  no news is SHIT news.  I didn’t hear from the recruiter today and I was told I would.  Low as hell.  DAMN IT!!!  I don’t know what to say…

Baby Pierre Leaves The Nest!

Pierre

Sweet Baby Pierre was the first baby to leave the nest.  In typical Bipolar On Fire fashion, I missed it because I was perusing my phone 😉  All of a sudden, I looked up, and there was a lovely white bird in the cage!!  PIERRE!!  He stayed in the cage for about ten minutes, but Peaches and Herb’s constant bickering (what the HELL, P&H??) must have scared him because he returned to the nest and there he stays.  Peaches and Herb need to work on their relationship, there has been a lot of squawking and chasing each other around the cage.  It doesn’t make for a very restful home environment.  I would separate them, but I need both of those fuckers to feed the babies.

Today I have a written assessment for a goddamn temporary desktop support job.  I guess there are so many qualified candidates, they need to weed them out with a written test before they decide who to interview.  Needless to say, the job search is going shitty.  I have not gotten one bite on a security job that I’ve applied for.  My attitude is shit.  I woke up this morning worrying about jobs.  What a terrible way to wake up.  Today is day 22 without my friend Mary Jane and man do I miss it!!!  It really cuts the stress.  Life without substances is quite the bitchass bitch, I say!

Yesterday as Mom & Dad’s maid I made Swedish Meatballs over mashed potatoes and it was so good, I am including a link to the recipe here!  Holy hell is it good.  Quite a lot of work but soooooo worth it.  Mom & Dad are really going to suffer without their maid once I get a full-time job, I’m worried about that.  I don’t mean to be Negative Nellie and go on and on, but sorry I guess that’s where I’m at.

Hope you all are having a good week, if you’re not join the club and tell me about it!  I will support you!!!  I’m sure my shit ain’t the stinkiest.  Peaches, BPOF!

FEAR

Does FEAR stand for Fuck Everything And Run, or False Evidence Appearing Real?  Right now I want to Fuck Everything And Run.  I am in fear because of this damn job search and the state of my finances.  I am afraid that I am burning out my family because of my constant NEED.  I am afraid that I won’t be able to work a full-time job.  I am just a ball of FEAR.  I got quite suicidal a couple of hours ago, but imagining my family getting the news was enough to bring me back from the edge and set my ass over to the computer to apply for some jobs.  Then I became fearful again.  Jesus!  What is going to become of me??  I know I was in this horrible place before I took the CEH test, and then I passed it.  Sometimes it’s darkest right before dawn.  I know.  Well, it’s dark right now.  I hate that my mood can plummet to the depths of despair and I want to kill myself.  I wish I had more faith in life.  It’s just this damn fear taking over.  I don’t know what to tell myself.

If this were someone else’s blog I’m sure I’d comment and ask if they contacted their therapist or their doctor.  And the answer to that is No.  Because I don’t want to go into the hospital.  I think that would be a giant step backwards and would just stress me out more.  I think I need to ride this out and work through it and keep applying for jobs.  Hope that doesn’t sound like bullshit but that’s what I truly believe.

Please Provide Me With A Lecture On The Benefits of Exercise

Well, I still have the job search blues.  All signs point to doing the shit I used to do before I got these fucking certifications.  All of the IT Security jobs want experience, how do you get the experience???  I know, I sound like a whiner.

Allow me to serve some cheese with the whine.  I had a lovely sermon from my Dad today on the benefits of exercise.  Of course, I know nothing, Nothing! About the health benefits of exercise.  I choose to be fat.  It’s just one of those lifestyle things, Dad.  You wouldn’t get it.  So Dad went on & on about exercise, how it’s so good, it feeds you socially, (who GIVES A FUCK about social shit?), etc., and I took it, like a good daughter, don’t ask me WHY I TOLERATE THIS SHIT, but I do, and then on the way home from my Mom & Dad’s, THANK GODDESS I had my phone on Do Not Disturb This Bitch, Dad left not one but TWO voicemail messages on how I should look for a job, I’m 51 years old, I have no idea how to look for a job!!!  THANK G0D FOR MY DAD TO TELL ME HOW TO DO SHIT.  Well I nearly shit two tons when I heard the messages.  AS IF I haven’t been doing everything I can to get a job in the IT Security field!!!!!!!!!!!  But he has some advice on how to do it.  Because he knows best.  Fucking holy hell.

So now!  I am drinking some strawberry lemonade (10 calories) with vodka (many more calories) to drown my feelings because I can’t get stoned because of fucking drug tests!!!  Hypocritical Colorado where the weed is legal but they still drug test for it!!!!  Bullshit..in my not very humble opinion.  But I am 16 days off weed which is some kind of record for Guiness and I’m going for 30 to pass the fucking drug tests!!!  Bullshit…

I am so glad to have uplifted you all with this post, hope you are all equally great in your outlooks and dispositions….let me know… BPoF!!

Job Search Blues

Great news!  I didn’t die on my hike!  It was so…fucking….hard…and so…fucking….steep!!!  I didn’t make it all the way up the mountain and that is ok with me.  My niece and I made it about a quarter of the way and went back down, thoroughly exhausted.  It was hot as hell, too.  We waited at the bottom for my sister and her two kids, who did the whole hike up to the hidden lakes.  I feel good for what I did and glad I didn’t push myself beyond what I could do, because coming down was just as hard as going up.  Did I tell you how hard it was???  It was a BEAR!!

So now I am home and back to reality and my reality BITES.  I am looking for a job hot & heavy and I’m finding that many prospective employers want two supervisory references and guess what??  I can’t provide two!!  WOW just as I am writing this I had a brainstorm that I can provide Dr. Flaky and Dr. HasHerShitTogether BAM two supervisory references!!!  Other than those two I have not gotten along with my supervisors.  I tell you, Authority Issues should be my middle name!!!  (Thank you, Dad).  Whoa I feel better now that I thought of Dr. HasHerShitTogether!!!  I think that problem is solved!!!

I still am having a problem with WILLINGNESS to get a job, i.e. I don’t have it.  I know I NEED a job and I NEED money but I sure don’t WANT to get a full-time job.  I honestly don’t know how I am going to do it!!!  I don’t feel like I have the strength or stamina to work a full-time job, yet I don’t feel like I have a choice, either.

I came home to find the baby birds had GROWN in two and a half days and they have a lot more feathers and they seem more alert.  I am talking to them a lot, they better get used to me talking to them!!  They are cuter than shit and I promise to get out the good camera and try to get a pic!

My birthday is tomorrow, I’ll be 51 years OLD!!!  I can’t believe it.  I wish I could roll the years backward.  I’m going to my parents to work.  BOO!!!  But I need the money.

Hope you are all well and happy.  Peaches….BPOF!

Four Baby Birds and Dr. Flaky Earns Her Name

Wow, lots going on.  Well I have four baby birdies, they are between and week and five days old.  They were born over the span of a few days obviously.  Two of the eggs did not hatch and that is fine with me!  Four babies is enough!  They are precious and I’m so sorry I don’t have a picture for you, it’s impossible to get a good picture into the nest!!  I need to haul the “good” camera out and try with that, so far I am too lazy.  The youngest one has “arms” but the older ones have beautiful little wings.  They make demanding little cheeping noises when they want to be fed.  Peaches and Herb spend a lot of time eating so they can feed them.  I am going out of town tomorrow for a couple of days and it’s going to KILL ME to leave the babies!!!  I’m sure I will be obsessing over them the whole time.  I am amazed at how bonded I have become to my little birds.

This was a stressful week on the job front.  First of all, I am looking for a job, and that is stressful.  Secondly, Dr. Flaky (my current employer, you may have heard of her in the past) kept getting voicemails from pharmacies where she had prescribed drugs for her patients saying they showed that her license to practice medicine had expired, and she was having me call them to say it had not.  Finally Dr. Flaky got a little freaked out and sent me to her office (she is on vacation) to find her current license and lo and behold, there was NOT one because SHE DIDN’T RENEW HER LICENSE!!!!  This is a crisis of epic proportions because she can not practice medicine or prescribe drugs without a license!!!  SO!  She has to re-apply for her license and go before the Medical Board of the state, and in the meantime she has to find someone to cover her practice.  It’s all kinds of fucked up.  I should know when I get back on Wednesday exactly what is happening, like, who is covering her practice, and who (she or I) is calling patients to cancel ten weeks’ worth of appointments (it will take ten weeks to get her license back).  Holy moly this was stressful.  I wanted to drink and get high but I am trying not to drink because it’s not good for me and I am not getting high because I have to get ready to pass a drug test (DAMN THE  DRUG TESTS!!!) for a new job.  So I am COPING without substances.  What a novel idea!!!

So today is Day 10 of not getting high.  I had developed quite the daily habit, which makes it all the more amazing that I was able to pass the CEH certification.  They say that marijuana is not habit-forming, or addictive, but I sure formed the habit.  The first few days off marijuana, I was very achy and had stiff joints.  I was miserable.  I know I am better off without the marijuana, even though I love being high, it triggers binge eating in me and I am super-fat right now and very uncomfortable in my body.  It’s definitely not a healthy habit for me and I hope I can stay off it.  I may sound like a broken record here because I’m sure I’ve said this before.

Well I’m off to Glenwood Springs tomorrow.  We are going on a hike on our way into Glenwood Springs to see the Hanging Lakes and I hope and pray that I don’t have a heart attack on the hike.  It would sure disappoint my nieces and nephews to see their Aunt fall down and die.  My sister wouldn’t like it either.  I’m not too jazzed about soaking in the hot springs in Glenwood when it’s so hot already but I am excited just to get away.  I haven’t had anything resembling a vacation in a couple of years so I hope that a) I don’t die and b) I get some enjoyment out of it.

Well that’s all the exciting news from Bipolar On Fire-Ville!  Other than stress, my mood is pretty good and steady, yay drugs!  Hope you all are doing well!  Peach out!

Holy Shit July Already?!

I can’t believe it’s July already!!  My GOD life moves fast!!!  I am really trying to enjoy this summer, my favorite time of year.  Well, Spring and Summer.

This weekend I am housesitting which is total torture because BABY BIRDS ARE BEING BORN at home!!  I want to be home to monitor every twist & turn in the situation!  I want to be the birdie midwife!  PUSH!  CRACK THAT EGG!!!  I will go home and check on the birdies every day and feed them but I just wish I could be there.  But I am housesitting for my BEST sister who is so damn supportive of me (she is paying me a shitload to be here) and I need to give her my best.

I am still on an emotional high from passing my test.  Soooooooo grateful and happy!!  I really didn’t think I would pass.  I don’t think I mentioned in my last post that on the morning of the test, I made a gratitude list, and I filled the little notebook page with 18 or 19 things I was grateful for.  It was so comforting to me to think that, whether I passed the test or not, I would still have those things to be grateful for.  So I am continuing my gratitude practice every morning.  I think it is a great attitude to cultivate.

This week I will get hot & heavy on the job search.  The pressure is on.  I have such mixed feelings about getting a full-time job, mostly fearful & negative feelings because I feel like it burns me out but I do not have a choice.  It would be a happy miracle to find a part-time job in the IT Security field.

Hope you all enjoy a wonderful long weekend, don’t blow off any body parts please!  Love, BPOF!