FEAR

Does FEAR stand for Fuck Everything And Run, or False Evidence Appearing Real?  Right now I want to Fuck Everything And Run.  I am in fear because of this damn job search and the state of my finances.  I am afraid that I am burning out my family because of my constant NEED.  I am afraid that I won’t be able to work a full-time job.  I am just a ball of FEAR.  I got quite suicidal a couple of hours ago, but imagining my family getting the news was enough to bring me back from the edge and set my ass over to the computer to apply for some jobs.  Then I became fearful again.  Jesus!  What is going to become of me??  I know I was in this horrible place before I took the CEH test, and then I passed it.  Sometimes it’s darkest right before dawn.  I know.  Well, it’s dark right now.  I hate that my mood can plummet to the depths of despair and I want to kill myself.  I wish I had more faith in life.  It’s just this damn fear taking over.  I don’t know what to tell myself.

If this were someone else’s blog I’m sure I’d comment and ask if they contacted their therapist or their doctor.  And the answer to that is No.  Because I don’t want to go into the hospital.  I think that would be a giant step backwards and would just stress me out more.  I think I need to ride this out and work through it and keep applying for jobs.  Hope that doesn’t sound like bullshit but that’s what I truly believe.

10 thoughts on “FEAR

  1. Promise you won’t kill yourself. Remember the darkness passes. Yes, sometimes it feels like you are bashing your head against the wall, but you have made HUGE progress and I’m proud of you. Learning new skills, obtaining letters to add next to your name. Awesome. To break into a new field, you may have to try something new. Like try to volunteer as an intern.

  2. im so sorry that you’re going through this… i know you’re stuck in a hard place… but please allow me to offer you some advice on your emotional state at the moment… i bought a book on bipolar and they have a section on taking action against depression symptoms… i know you mentioned fear but that can also lead us into a depressive suicidal state… i’m hugging you in my mind right now and wishing you all of the best and positive energy… have you thought about heading over to the nearest unemployment office… ? just a thought…
    but here are some things that the book says to do in the event of depression…
    1. contact your psychiatrist
    2.contact your therapist
    3. contact your support person
    4. maintain a regular schedule of activites
    5.maintain a regular sleep schedule
    6. evaluate your thinking, or practice cognitive restructuring
    7.take your medicines
    8. monitor your mood on a regular basis
    9. reduce alcohol intake or stop it
    10. increase daily excercise
    11. make a plan to complete an activity
    12. watch a movie, or identify distracting activities…

    i really truly hope this helps and remember we are here and care for you…

  3. You know I love you, and I love Kitt, and her comment was spot-on.

    I will have you in my prayers to the Unknown Angels tonight, all 144,000 of them!!!! (Yes, that’s what the guy wrote – there are exactly 144,000 of them!)

    These Unknown Angels need to help my friend Dr. Fire, dammit!
    Or else I’m gonna find them and fart at them!

    Now I want you to take a deep breath, ride it out and go spend time with your sweet, sweet birds. I’m not even much of a bird person but when you write about them, I get all sweet inside!

  4. sometimes pushing through will get you to a better place. But know your limits. If you continue to push and get nowhere (and have bad thoughts, etc..) reach out for help, please. I’d like to keep you around for as long as possible. I hope I don’t sound selfish for saying that. Thinking of you and on the sidelines cheering you on.

  5. its ok…there are really good reasons to be frightened, but you’ll figure it out… despite all your worst fears you’ve got this far.. ..plus you;re operating without your ganja buffer which makes everything seem more acute..
    we both know that ideally you don’t want a job…you want money, enough money to be comfortable and a relaxed lifestyle…but the whole job/office scenario isnt ideal..don;t rule it out the prefect solution as a possibility…
    now..on the practical side… have you looked/are you able to offer help to a charity .. it could get you the experience you need, and no pressure… good chance for you to find your way around, get confident about what you are doing.. also..how secure are Dr Flakys files ? have you checked her setup … ? she may/will have multiple professional contacts that also need high levels of digital security… just a thought..
    also… there are ways of generating some income from your blog…which I love.. xx
    p.s. non-spammy ways .. like a downloadable guide to keeping your shit secure ? xx

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