Does FEAR stand for Fuck Everything And Run, or False Evidence Appearing Real? Right now I want to Fuck Everything And Run. I am in fear because of this damn job search and the state of my finances. I am afraid that I am burning out my family because of my constant NEED. I am afraid that I won’t be able to work a full-time job. I am just a ball of FEAR. I got quite suicidal a couple of hours ago, but imagining my family getting the news was enough to bring me back from the edge and set my ass over to the computer to apply for some jobs. Then I became fearful again. Jesus! What is going to become of me?? I know I was in this horrible place before I took the CEH test, and then I passed it. Sometimes it’s darkest right before dawn. I know. Well, it’s dark right now. I hate that my mood can plummet to the depths of despair and I want to kill myself. I wish I had more faith in life. It’s just this damn fear taking over. I don’t know what to tell myself.
If this were someone else’s blog I’m sure I’d comment and ask if they contacted their therapist or their doctor. And the answer to that is No. Because I don’t want to go into the hospital. I think that would be a giant step backwards and would just stress me out more. I think I need to ride this out and work through it and keep applying for jobs. Hope that doesn’t sound like bullshit but that’s what I truly believe.