Learning To Live In The Moment

Another weekend, and no job prospects 😦 .  Part of me wants to panic – and is panicking.  Another part of me is saying, stay calm.  Right now, in this moment, you are ok.  You have a home.  You have food.  You have gas in the car.  You have x amount in the bank.  At this moment you are ok.  Then another part of me wants to say oh my God oh my God oh my God what am I gonna do???  I have to try to keep that part of me quiet somehow.  It doesn’t serve me for sure.  I am ok at this moment.  I have enough money to pay my bills and next month’s rent.  Not much more than that, but fuck.  I have that.

I have these signs all over the house that say “Believe” and I’m like, what should I believe in?  I guess I should believe that I’m going to be ok.  I think I have too much trauma in my past where I wasn’t ok, and that makes it hard to believe.  I’m so afraid of going to that dark place where I’m all out of options, all out of money, and all out of hope.  That’s a big fear.  I’d like to avoid that dark place.  Bigly.

So needless to say, I haven’t heard from Hustler.  I have mixed feelings about that.  Of course, I want to be offered any job that I interview for, that’s just ego.  But, I’m just not sure that I’d like to work for Hustler.  And I’m not sure it’d be a good environment for me.  So, what are you gonna do?  I gave it my best shot.  If I don’t hear from them, I don’t.  I still might . . .

I wonder if there are any other people with Bipolar who have had lots of starts and stops in their career.  It’s very discouraging for me to look at how far I’ve gone in the past, yet feel like I’m starting over almost at the bottom again.  Bipolar Disorder can be a very defeating illness, because it causes periods of instability and inability to work / function.  It makes me feel sad that I haven’t had a more successful career and it’s hard not to blame myself.  The bottom line is, accumulated stress of work renders me unable to function, or lessens my ability to function and brings out very dysfunctional coping mechanisms (drug use, drinking, anger/rage reactions, I could go on…).  I don’t know what the answer is, other than not working, which doesn’t seem to be an option.  I sure do feel happier when I don’t work full-time.

Well it’s the weekend, and I have some super-fun stuff to look forward to, like cleaning out bird cages, and building a new bird cage, and reuniting Peaches and Herb!!  It is crazy-hard to catch these birds, I don’t know how in the hell I am going to catch Peaches to move her.  I tried catching her when she was asleep, bah!  She woke up and flew off.  Hopefully I don’t let all the birds out of the cage in my effort to catch Peaches.  Poor bully Herb seems sad to be alone, he will be happy to have a partner again.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend.  Peach out homies!  BPOF!


38 thoughts on “Learning To Live In The Moment

  1. The following pretty much describes my work experience with bipolar: “accumulated stress of work renders me unable to function, or lessens my ability to function and brings out very dysfunctional coping mechanisms (drug use, drinking, anger/rage reactions, I could go on…).

  2. Work and bipolar has screwed three times. Currently, I have been looking for a job for two months. Before that , fighting bipolar , severe depression since October. This is the longest I have been out of regular life. Pisses me off. It is not fair that I was bestowed with this illness, while a million others do not have the illness. They get to advance up the ladder. I hate those people.

  3. Hey I’ve been looking for work, dealing with my depression/panicking about not finding work, feeling confused/questioning about my career as well. It’s hard and weird and I just want you to know you’re not alone! Thanks for writing this because it makes me feel less alone too. I saw this in my feed and was like YES OMG

  4. I’m looking for work again, under protest. I still have my job at the school, problem is… I have no car so, how am I going to get to work? *sigh* So I am trying to find a work at home option until I get a car, which I hope will be SOON! I was really planning on getting in a lot of hours this year. Guess not.

  5. Hi! I just came back into blogging and this is one of the first posts I’ve read (and I’ll probably binge read your blog again haha). But anyway…

    “It’s very discouraging for me to look at how far I’ve gone in the past, yet feel like I’m starting over almost at the bottom again.”

    You have no idea how much I feel this way all the time. It’s pretty difficult to get past it, as I’m sure you know… But I hope you’re doing alright.

    – Deirdre

    • Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this with me!!! GOD it helps to know I’m not alone with this issue. I am sorry that you are suffering from the same dilemma!! IT SUCKS!!! No two ways about it. Glad you’re back to blogging!! ❤ ❤ ❤

  6. Late to the comment party, my darling – but you know you’re on my mind & of course, I retweeted this post in a heartbeat. You’re in my thoughts and prayers, girlfriend! It makes me feel good to read that you feel less alone after hearing from these kindred spirits. Please, please hang in there. XOXXOXOXO

  7. Pingback: “What Is Wrong With Me?” | The Barefoot Aya

  8. You definitely aren’t alone :::::hugs::::: I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Fortunately I’m on disability and do not have to work I spend a lot of time like you doing nothing. I decided a very easy job might be something I could enjoy. It would get me out of the house. Instead I had panic attacks there and felt the same way while I was at work. The “stress free” job didn’t last. I cannot work.

    I’ve also had a stop in my career. Once an RN now I’m here, unable to function and on disability. My cognition is terrible, memory gone. Occasionally I wonder about looking for another nursing job but I’ve been on disability for going on 2 years now and who will hire me? I know it would be very detrimental to my mental health, my physical health, my home life. I know I honestly shouldn’t be working.

  9. I’ll say what others have already said, you’re not alone it’s the truth. This is very frustrating and debilitating disease. Don’t give up, it is very hard to prove that you cannot work because of a mental illness which I agree is bull shit. I’m sure you’ve already been told the more documentation you have Like doctor visits, hospitalizations, therapists and so on helps. Took me 2 1/2 years to get my disability. There were other underlying factors in the decision as well, but my bipolar or the bipolar I have however you put it makes it very difficult to get through a day let alone hold down a full-time job or for some even a part-time job is too much. Don’t give up stay strong as you can because the moment people like us give up is when that hole opens up and we start to fall in.

  10. Don’t you think all who us Bipolar both Dr. Jeckl and Mr. Hyde? That is surely me. My heart and my mind are often in conflict. Not having employment is a biggie and cannot help but be upsetting.

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