The Painful Side of Being Bipolar

Well this is so painful to say, but I BOMBED my Security job interview.  I mean, atom-bombed it.  I froze.  I forgot words mid-sentence.  I felt like a fraud, like I was full of shit.  I think I came across that way.  I attribute this to brain fog, which I attribute to an increased dose of Topamax, also known as Dope-a-Max,  which Dr. Drugs increased to stabilize my mood.  My unstable finances and this job search have thrown me into turmoil.   Before this, I had a relatively nice long stretch of stability and some happiness with life.  But, unstable finances are enough to drive me to drink, if not to suicidal ideation, and not wanting a job, combined with needing a job, makes me quite crazy.

It makes me sad to have done so poorly in my interview.  I got up at 5am to prepare, and I really tried my best.  I feel betrayed by my brain.  After the interview, I was in so much mental and emotional pain, it was hard to be with myself.  I wanted to drink, I wanted to drug, but I just had a seltzer (my “drink”) and tried to be kind to myself.  Sometimes life is just painful.  I wrote an appropriate, heartfelt thank you letter for the interview and let it go.

I got a call yesterday about another Security job, this one much closer to home, and PART-TIME!!!  I had a pre-qualifying phone interview, which I passed, and I’m waiting to hear if there will be an in-person interview.  They asked what I wanted in terms of pay, and I don’t know if the numbers I named were too high but dammit it’s a Security job and I want to be paid appropriately!  So, we will see.

I have an interview for a damned Desktop Support job on Tuesday, I will go reluctantly.  I just have to keep walking through this job search with some measure of willingness.

I’m glad it’s the weekend, I need a little break from life!!  Hope you are all well.  Peach out, BPOF!

20 thoughts on “The Painful Side of Being Bipolar

  1. here’s hoping for that part-time job. (for a lot of employers, it’s a mark against the person if they low-ball their salary demand, so there’s that.)

    between the bipolar and the anxiety and the medication, it’s amazing that i survived any of my interviews. i know that post-interview misery all too well. the worse was when i took an interview in the next city down, and go stuck in rush hour gridlock (so surrounded by people who had jobs!), glad to hear you were able to make it through it. time to just chill out. 🙂

  2. That ###SUCKS### about the 1st interview – gawd, I’m SO DAMN sorry, fiery sweetness. I’m incredibly proud of you for not smoking piles of pot & guzzling gallons of booze.! But hopefully you will get the 2nd one.

    I admire you so much for keeping on despite all the shit. Love you!!!!

  3. That reminds me of the one job interview I’ve had since being on disability. I blew it so bad that the two interviewers got really “cold” with me after a warm friendly start. It went well until they asked me what my disability was. I don’t think they are allowed to do that, but they dis. It blew me out of the water, I was totally unprepared. We just went through the motions after that. It was quite traumatic and I haven’t tried since.

    I pray you get the part time job!

  4. Hello, it’s nice to be finding other bipolar blogs. I have definitely bombed interviews because of my bipolar. Once, I was getting on new meds, and I couldn’t stop turning red the entire interview and my vocabulary was virtually gone, and I sounded like a bumbling idiot. It was humiliating. I’m sorry your experience was difficult, and I feel your pain. Unfortunately I’m now disabled and don’t have to work at the moment. It’s hard to be on disability because of the stigma, but I understand your desire to not work. I get it, and it’s so stressful and I definitely was becoming very suicidal at my work regularly. Anyway, nice to find your blog, I’m new to blogging but happy to see others talking openly about bipolar!

  5. Sorry the interview went poorly, but if you do get the part-time one, maybe it will be better. My counselor wants me to see a psychiatrist to see if I might have a mood disorder (probably Bipolar 2 since I have only hypomanic symptoms, not any kind of psychotic episodes), but I am afraid that if they put me on the mood stabilizer medicines it will mess me up both mentally and physically. I hear they make you gain lots of weight, affect your mental abilities (which already suck because I have CFS and Fibromyalgia), and some times, like in my older sister’s case, they actually seem to make you worse and make you MORE psychotic. It is scary. If I do get a diagnosis, I’m sure I’ll be blogging about it too.

  6. Were you able to get the part time job? I want to when my kids all get into school (youngest is 1) but I’m terrified of the thought of actually having to deal with people 😞

    • No I did not get the part time job. I actually got the job that I interviewed for, believe it or not, but it has not started yet, a whole other story. I have also been interviewing for other jobs. Good luck to you!! 😀

  7. First I am so glad you didn’t drink other than your Seltzer and that you weren’t too hard on yourself and still completed the interview by writing a thank you card. See you are doing this! I know it’s hard and you want to just give up, but you’ve got this. I know where you are at. I was unemployed for a short time this summer. I thought I was losing my mind. I didn’t know whether I was coming or going, I was scared of finances everything. But in the end it all worked out. You’ve got this!!! Congratulations on your phone interview it sounds very promising. And never be afraid to say what you are worth! If they pass it is their loss. You know what you need and you would be unhappy if you were in a job that wasn’t paying you what you needed. Here is to a better tomorrow (clink glasses of seltzer and water) Go get’em!

  8. I’m sorry that happened to you! I had a side effect of one of my medications that I forgot what I was saying mid sentence and it was so embarrassing, so I totally feel your pain. Good luck with the other opportunities!

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