Mood Crash

Having Bipolar Disorder is painful.  In particular, having such variable moods is painful.  I feel like so many stressors are weighing on me, such as needing a job, finances, isolation, etc., that I am getting depressed.  This morning I got so worried about money that I literally threw up.

I feel like I should take some action, like go stay at my parent’s house for the weekend, just so I’m not so isolated, but I don’t know if I can make myself do it.  I feel frozen, just stuck in the muck.  Also I’m worried that I’ll go to their house and they’ll see that I’m in a bad place and they’ll worry about me, and I don’t want to worry them.  I just wish my life wasn’t so unsettled.  It feels precarious, and not having stability sets me off.

I hate to write about such shit, but I try to be truthful about where I’m at, and this IS a blog about a person with Bipolar Disorder, which means I’m not always rainbows and unicorn farts.  I wish that were the case, but that wouldn’t make me very genuine.  I hope to hear from you about how you deal with stress, instability, financial fear, etc.  Thanks for reading!

Thank You, Xanax!

That makes me sound like a major druggie.  Well I had my big two-hour interview with four managers today, which actually was two hours and twenty minutes but who’s counting?  ME!  It was a fucking marathon!!!  I studied yesterday and all morning today and then right before leaving for the interview, which I was very nervous about, I took half of a 0.25 Xanax.  Man, did that do the trick!  I was able to calm down and answer their questions with a clear mind and I didn’t have any brain freeze!!!  Wow did it make a big difference!!!  I sound like a Xanax salesman don’t I.  Well after my nightmarish interview where I froze up several times, this was quite a change.  Things were very positive, I answered questions calmly and succinctly, and overall it was a very pleasant experience.  WHAT?!  Yes it’s true.  So THANK YOU, XANAX!!  I’m not going to take it for every damn occasion, but dayum!  In those extreme cases when my head is about to explode, it’s nice to know I have the option.

I am going to sleep well tonight, knowing I have done all I can to get this job, including writing thank you notes to the interviewers.  It’s all in the Universe’s hands now.  I feel good about things.  Sleep well, friends!  Peaches!

Dr. Drugs Comes Through With The Good Stuff!

Well I had started a post entitled “Just Blew Another Interview” but I had to discard it because the interview actually went better than expected – they called me for an in-person interview!  Wah!  I think I am not the greatest judge of how interviews go.  This is a job for a company that provides IT Security Services and I would be a Support Services Technician.  There are pluses and minuses to this idea.  The pluses are that it would be very structured, and I’d get four months of training, and constant further opportunities to learn.  The minuses are that I’d be on the phone all day providing support.  However for my first Security job I think it might be better than the other job that is at a higher level with wayyyyy more responsibility that I don’t think I’m either ready or qualified for.  So I’m going to study my ass off for tomorrow’s interview.

NOW for the title of my blog!  I have had many sleepless nights lately, well, correction, I fall asleep, but I wake up in the middle of the night, and my brain starts worrying, like about jobs, or money, and it’s like a runaway train, I can’t control it, it’s so bad, you know how everything is magnified in the middle of the night?  So then I can’t get back to sleep and my stress levels are through the ROOF!  So I told Dr. Drugs about this, and he says “We have to get you sleeping.  How about some Xanax?”  To which I replied in my head “Oh goodie!” but out loud I was like, “Oh?” and he went on about how Xanax isn’t like Clonazepam, it’s not sedating, but it just cuts off the anxiety like BAM!  So he prescribed me three Xanax a day PRN, and he said he wasn’t going to give me any refills, but I think Dr. Drugs is slipping a little, because he gave me three refills!!!  So I am on the Xanax train, people!!!  I got it filled last night, because I couldn’t take another night of being up for hours and hours, and guess what?  I didn’t even need it!!  The times I woke up, I was able to think happy sunbeam thoughts and get back to sleep.  So YEAH!!  I’m glad I have it for “just in case” though.

I feel stupid providing an update on the other job, but all I can say is they still say that ol’ start date is coming.  They just need a couple more signatures….blah blah blah.  All I can say is that their delays are affording me the chance to interview for this other job that might be better for me, so I’m not mad any more.  I guess I will end up where I’m supposed to be, in the grand scheme of things.  I am trying to trust that the Universe has a plan….

Hope you all are having a delicious week, please let me know how you are!  Peach out, BPOF

Because I Don’t Know When To STFU

As the title implies, I don’t know when to shut the fuck up.  Or, maybe, I just don’t like to.  So, the devil on my right shoulder said to me, “Why not email the hiring manager from the job that’s not working out and tell him just how disappointed you are that it’s not working out?” and the angel on my left shoulder must have left to go buy chips or something, so I said “OK let’s do it!” and I popped off an email about how sad I was that the job wasn’t working out, did I do something wrong, couldn’t they hire me as a temp, or could I go through another contracting agency?  WELL!  What I got back was a severe-sounding email, with the Account Manager from the contracting agency cc’ed, saying that they had been working very hard to complete the contract, and progress had been made, and that they hoped to have me on board next week!  Wellllll I just wonder if I changed everyone’s minds with my stupid email!!!  What a way to go into the weekend, feeling one drop hopeful, ten drops stupid as hell!!!  Hey people, if ya wanna know what not to do, just read this blog!!  

Back In The Saddle Again

Well I am back in the groove of looking for a job.  I have contacted three people who had previously contacted me regarding jobs (I had said I had a job) and one of them so far would like to setup a phone interview for Monday.  YEAH!!  It’s not exactly what I want to do, but it’s a Security-related company, so it’s going in the right direction.

I’m still very, very down about this whole situation, and I slept like shit.  I got obsessed in the middle of the night with the idea of suing this contracting company for lost wages and pain and suffering, and I got so worked up that I had to get up for awhile.  Interrupted sleep is not good for us people with Bipolar, as you know, so I’m feeling a bit fragile today.  But I am determined to spend the day looking for another job, so I can go into the weekend feeling like I have some new irons in the fire.  UPDATE:  After a couple of hours, my willingness is flagging.  I have applied for *one* job.  Oh holy angels, help me!  I just tried to apply for a Desktop Support job, and when I got to a question about why I am uniquely qualified for the job, I just said “fuck it” and closed the window.  Should I start drinking now???

I don’t know why life is testing me like this, and why things can’t just be smooth, I guess it’s just how life goes sometimes.  But I am NOT joyful.  I need to just focus on moving on, NOT on suing the contracting company.  I don’t want to get caught up in all of that negativity and stress.  That’s just something my frustrated brain came up with in the middle of the night.  I think about Hustler, and how grateful I am that I didn’t get that job, and maybe someday I’ll be grateful that I didn’t get this job, because there’s something better out there for me.  That’s what I’m hoping for.

Hope you all had a good week.  Fall is here in Colorado, it’s supposed to get chilly and rain all weekend, bleh!  Peach out homies!  BPOF!

Shit Is Getting Serious!

Well, fuck!  Guess what?  I STILL haven’t started this fucking job!!!!!  These fuckers are going to drive me to drink!!!  Why I say WHY did they lead me to believe that I would start right after LABOR DAY and here it is many weeks later and I still haven’t started?!?!  And I quit my other jobs and have no income coming in . . . I know I sound like a great big victim here . . . and I kind of FEEL like one . . . I need to look for another job but even if I GET another job it’s going to be a long process and I’m going to go broke in the meantime.  FUCK!!!!  This is a hell of a stressful situation!!  Nothing throws me into a tailspin like precarious finances!!!!  I want to knock someone’s block off!!

I guess I need to cut the bullshit and get looking for another job.  If this one ends up working out, fine, but in the meantime I need to look for something else.  DAMN IT this chaps my hide!!  Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer but I am feeling a bit panicked.  I haven’t been sleeping well with worrying and I just did some calculations that showed me how serious my finances are.

UPDATE:  I applied for one job, contacted two recruiters, and then hid in my bed with the covers pulled up.  I had a healthy dinner of Funyuns and Butterfingers.  I hope to be asleep by 7:00 pm.  I am pitiful.  Tomorrow I will tackle the job search anew.

Fucking Job!!!

Well in the ongoing saga entitled “Starting A Full-Time Job”, once again my Start Date has been put off.  I emailed the recruiter and the account manager Friday morning to ask them what time I was to report to work Monday morning, and I didn’t hear anything for hours . . . and hours . . . Finally, I got a call late Friday afternoon from the account manager stating that the fucking contract wasn’t fully signed, so I couldn’t start on Monday.  They’re hoping for Wednesday.  Hmmmm…..haven’t I heard this shit before???  Why yes, yes I have.  And frankly it’s getting a little old.  To say I was unhappy is kind of understating it.  I need to get this shit over with already!!!  And Jesus!  How long am I expected to go without a paycheck????

So I decided that these fuckers may be yanking my chain, despite their promises that I do indeed have a job.  I am going to start looking for a job again this weekend, as much as that idea turns my stomach.  I can’t just be a sitting duck, waiting indefinitely for this fucking thing to happen.  What if it never happens???  Anyhoo, I am disgusted with the situation and very frustrated.

Hope your weekend is going better than mine . . .

A Firm Start Date!

I FINALLY got a firm start date for my job!  Yes!  It’s real!  I am starting on Monday, September 18.  Back to full-time work.  Lawd, help me!  So I have a little less than a week to write.  There’s nothing on my damn schedule (except maybe a nail appointment) so I think I’m meant to write.  It’ll be a good way to ignore this nervous stomach of mine.  Holy God, how am I going to work full-time???  I guess time will tell.  Ta-ta for now!

I’ve Started Writing A Book

Whoa.  I always thought I had a book in me, and now, with this free time, it has begun to spill out.  Right now I am writing an outline and reviewing my life, and honey, it ain’t pretty.  The life of a Bipolar person isn’t all roses and sunshine, surprise, surprise.  For me, it’s a story of semi-functioning, hyper-functioning, and not functioning at all.  It’s painful to look at.  There were many years of not being properly diagnosed and medicated when I just flailed about, making a mess of things.  I know I worried my family terribly.  I have to be able to look at my past, and say, “This is in the past”, and not beat up on myself for it, or get overwhelmed with past feelings.  I fucked up so many things on such a grand scale!  If you could get an award for fuck-ups, I would maybe win the Fuck-Up Olympics.  Ok maybe that is grandiose.  Maybe you have some spectacular fuck-ups in your past too.  Well I hope it makes a good book.  I’m thinking of calling it “All This Bullshit Has Happened And I’m Still Alive!” or maybe just something simple, like “How NOT To Live A Life”.  I don’t know.  We will see.  I have some time.  All I HAVE is time.

Anyhoo, Happy Monday to you.  Hope it’s a good one.  Peaches!

My, Madam, Your Bathroom Is Sparkling!

*Said no one, ever.  But godDAMN is my bathroom sparkling, people!!  This time off has done wonders for my apartment!!!  The dust level has gone down many, many piles . . . to nearly nil.  I have washed, scrubbed and vacuumed the FUCK out of this place!!  It’s amazing what a little free time will do to a person . . . my oh MY it feels GOOD being in this apartment now!!  I can’t think of a single thing I need to do!!  I think I’ll go ice my back, and read something.  I’m enjoying my last days of laziness and idleness . . .  soon I will be crying from the intensity of a full-time job I’m sure.  Happy Friday to you all!  ❤

Keeping Busy

I don’t know if I have a touch of hypergraphia or if I’m just lonely but I sure have the compulsion to write!  I am still waiting for the job to start – the latest is they think it will be the middle of next week.  I had a Come To Jesus email with the recruiter and account manager and said basically, HEY!  I DO have a job, don’t I?  And they assured me that yes, I do, they are just getting the contract signed, and the manager is out this week.  My imaginative and paranoid mind thought that they were interviewing other candidates and keeping me on the back burner.  But they said in no uncertain terms that I DO have a job.

So in the meantime I am trying to keep busy.  I am actually cleaning my apartment, I have become that desperate for things to do.  Yesterday was surfaces, today is floors, tomorrow is bathrooms.  I have to space it out because my poor back can’t take too much in a day.  I’ve also been walking every day, and cheese and rice am I out of shape!!  I haven’t exercised with any regularity in a long time, I’m embarrassed to say.  It used to be a regular part of my self-care, and when I let it go by the wayside, I ballooned up thirty pounds.  Now I want to get back into it, and hopefully get rid of this pregnant-looking belly (I know it’s hot as hell but hey!).

My mood has been pretty good, a little sinking here and there when I get overwhelmed with the tasks I have set out for myself, and I have to give myself a pep talk, and focus on just the one task at hand, not all the things I want to do.  I’m easily overwhelmed, which can lead to discouragement.  I’m also a bit lonely.  I’m quite isolated with no contact with Dr. Flaky and not going to Mom & Dad’s three times a week like I’m used to.  I was just so determined that I wanted this free time to myself, but I didn’t think through how isolating it would be.  Oh dear . . .  Soon enough I will long for this time . . .

Well I suppose I will start vacuuming up the dust piles here . . . better put on a gas mask . . . I hope the sweet little birdies survive the storm!  Hope you all are having a good week!  Peach out!  BPOF

Last Meeting With Dr. Flaky

Yesterday I had my last meeting with Dr. Flaky.  It was sad, but satisfying in a way, to have a good ending.  I presented her with my handbook that I had made for her new assistant, and she was thrilled with it.  I was pretty proud of it myself.  We went over a few outstanding issues and I gave her my final bill.  Then she gave me a card, which was so nice and unexpected, and what was inside was REALLY unexpected – $300!!!  Boy oh boy was that nice of her.  Between that and my final bill, I was able to deposit over a thousand bucks into the bank.  That sure made me happy.  Dr. Flaky and I hugged and had a tearful goodbye.

I got to meet the new assistant and I went over the handbook with her and all of the basic tasks of the job.  I think she will do a good job for Dr. Flaky.  Not as good as me, but pretty good :).

Then I went home and I felt kind of lost with nothing to do.  I may get over my ambivalence about starting the new job pretty fast!

I used some of the $300 (a little less than half) to order some new clothes that I can wear at the new job.  It’s been a few years since I bought clothes, and I really need them!  I am excited to have some new pieces.  I ordered from a plus-size catalog, size 18!!  It is hard to believe that I am a size 18, but that’s where I’m at right now.  I think as long as I stay away from the pot, I won’t get any bigger, but I sure would like to shrink a bit.  This will require some exercise, which requires a willingness I haven’t had up to now.  Maybe all this free time . . .

I have a few errands to run today and then I’ll probably email the recruiter to ask her when in the hell I’m starting my new job.  What’s up with your week?  Hope it’s a good one!  Peach out, BPOF!

Endings

This has been a week of endings.  I finished being a maid for Mom and Dad.  It was sad, because I have enjoyed spending so much time with them.  But, it was also happy, because I hate damn housework and I’m a terrible maid!  I’m also ending my work for Dr. Flaky.  Yesterday, I assembled the handbook I had created for her new assistant.  Last night I did my last voicemail log for her.  I’ve been doing her voicemail log six days a week for over a year.  It’s gotten to be pretty tedious, but it’s also a routine.  It was bittersweet to delete the daily reminders from my calendar.  Finally, I unhooked my extra phone and voip box that I used for working for Dr. Flaky.  She is going to buy it and give it to her new assistant.  It all seems so…final!  I will deliver everything, including my final whopper of a bill, (YAY!) to Dr. Flaky tomorrow.

So now I have this great big giant opening in my life – no work – and no start date for the new job!  Yikes!  What if the new job somehow doesn’t happen?  I’ve created this space for the new job, but it hasn’t quite materialized.  That magic Start Date hasn’t been handed to me.  Again, I’m ambivalent – scared to start the new job, yet scared shitless of not having a job.  And what in the helly-hell-hell am I going to do with all this time on my hands???  I’m feeling kind of lost.

Last night I did something unwise . . . I got drunk.  REALLY drunk.  In my mind, I thought, I’m celebrating this change in life.  In reality, I think I was drinking away my stress and anxiety and fear.  At the end of the night, I had a blackout.  I woke up in the middle of the night in a panic, wondering how I got myself to bed, wondering if I texted or called anyone while drunk, scrambling to check my phone.  Thankfully, I didn’t.  Still, that’s WAY too out of control, having a blackout.  It’s got me thinking I need to pursue sobriety again.  Damn it.  Why do I have to do things so out of proportion???  I don’t even want to have just a “drink” – I like to get buzzed.  But, this was way beyond buzzed.  It really has me thinking, and questioning myself today.

Well I hope to work up the motivation to go do my laundry today.  I HATE going to the laundromat!!!  I haven’t even put away the clean clothes from the last time I did laundry, and I’ve just been throwing the dirty clothes on the floor where the laundry basket belongs.  Ohhhh I have my life so togetherrrrrrr!!!  Maybe I’ll just read a book and procrastinate.  It’s Sunday.

Hope you are all well, happy, ok, not drunk, not blacking out, and maybe procrastinating too.  Peach out!