This has been a week of endings. I finished being a maid for Mom and Dad. It was sad, because I have enjoyed spending so much time with them. But, it was also happy, because I hate damn housework and I’m a terrible maid! I’m also ending my work for Dr. Flaky. Yesterday, I assembled the handbook I had created for her new assistant. Last night I did my last voicemail log for her. I’ve been doing her voicemail log six days a week for over a year. It’s gotten to be pretty tedious, but it’s also a routine. It was bittersweet to delete the daily reminders from my calendar. Finally, I unhooked my extra phone and voip box that I used for working for Dr. Flaky. She is going to buy it and give it to her new assistant. It all seems so…final! I will deliver everything, including my final whopper of a bill, (YAY!) to Dr. Flaky tomorrow.
So now I have this great big giant opening in my life – no work – and no start date for the new job! Yikes! What if the new job somehow doesn’t happen? I’ve created this space for the new job, but it hasn’t quite materialized. That magic Start Date hasn’t been handed to me. Again, I’m ambivalent – scared to start the new job, yet scared shitless of not having a job. And what in the helly-hell-hell am I going to do with all this time on my hands??? I’m feeling kind of lost.
Last night I did something unwise . . . I got drunk. REALLY drunk. In my mind, I thought, I’m celebrating this change in life. In reality, I think I was drinking away my stress and anxiety and fear. At the end of the night, I had a blackout. I woke up in the middle of the night in a panic, wondering how I got myself to bed, wondering if I texted or called anyone while drunk, scrambling to check my phone. Thankfully, I didn’t. Still, that’s WAY too out of control, having a blackout. It’s got me thinking I need to pursue sobriety again. Damn it. Why do I have to do things so out of proportion??? I don’t even want to have just a “drink” – I like to get buzzed. But, this was way beyond buzzed. It really has me thinking, and questioning myself today.
Well I hope to work up the motivation to go do my laundry today. I HATE going to the laundromat!!! I haven’t even put away the clean clothes from the last time I did laundry, and I’ve just been throwing the dirty clothes on the floor where the laundry basket belongs. Ohhhh I have my life so togetherrrrrrr!!! Maybe I’ll just read a book and procrastinate. It’s Sunday.
Hope you are all well, happy, ok, not drunk, not blacking out, and maybe procrastinating too. Peach out!